Still not met three week old grandson.

@Annpl asking for an invite to someone else’s house is degrading? Do you honestly believe that you have the right to visit whom ever whenever you want? That’s the very definition of entitlement.

WinnieB - I phoned friend yesterday and asked if I could visit with another friend- was I wrong or “entitled”? There’s another friend I drop in to visit without even asking.

When 1st grandchild (son’s baby) was born in another country, OH and I visited when baby was a month old and stayed for a week ( I think we were invited before baby was born). As soon as we arrived, baby was handed to me. ?Having read some posts here about mils, I wondered were we too pushy and actually asked dil recently especially as I always help with cooking, shopping etc when visiting and maybe this might be too intrusive. Apparently she’s quite happy with our relationship - I think she’s delighted when someone else comes to help.

WinnieB you talkin' to me?

It's no wonder that the OP hasn't been back. Her thread has burgeoned into a debate about her and her DiL's needs and wants; and other posters' experience in similar or dissimilar circumstances. Has any of this been helpful?

I think having invited guests from another country could be different, especially if the mother had no feeding issues and there was a start and end date. Plus, you have a good relationship with DIL, Farmor15. The OP, however, lives down the street from DIL and their relationship isn't great, plus she's dealing with feeding issues AND she already has help. I'm assuming the OP's DIL thinks "she can come any time since she lives 5 minutes away" so there isnt a huge push for her to be accommodating at the moment.

I would speak to your son directly and ask if there is a reason they do not want you to visit and then ask when they think you will be able to visit. Maybe offer to bring lunch or dinner to the new parents, they may be so overwhelmed with caring for the new little one that they do not realize how much time has gone by already. I realize this is heartbreaking and feels like you are missing an opportunity to bond with the baby, but I promise you will still bond and make wonderful memories with your grandchild in the years to come. Try to look at the big picture, you are in this for the long haul.

Naty, you said ... The OP, however, lives down the street from DIL and their relationship _isn't good_ ...

Perhaps you didn't read these previous posts from happygran1964...

As I said I understand that she wants her family around her....

^I love my daughters in law, all three of them; not in the way I love my own daughter naturally but I do my very best to treat them all the same as each other and I lean over backwards to be supportive but to remain in the background.
I never press my opinions or offer advice and I think I am a good MIL in all honesty but yes I am upset at the moment^

For the record I actually get on really well with the other granny, we are all good friends but I don't feel comfortable talking about our children behind their backs

Maybe I'm wrong, but those statements don't sound to me like a family whose relationship 'isn't good'. On the contrary, I'd say it sounds like they've enjoyed a pretty good relationship so far. And, hopefully, I'm sure this is just a little blip which they will overcome.

My money is still on other things going on behind the scenes.
The feeding thing might just be one reason, the less intrusive one that the Son might be ok in sharing.
Making the DIL/MIL the villain isn't helping anyone.

We just don't know.

My heart is breaking , I'm a mother of 3 sons, I didn't choose their gender they are my world. I have a granddaughter now, as much as they include me I cry and wait for the crumbs off the table. Second fiddle. I read today it says the child that's important not me so I'll take a deep breath and enjoy the bits I get.

Silver - why in heaven do you think you get crumbs? Because you see less of her than the maternal grandmother? Why compare, it’s madness! Do you see you granddaughter? Does your son send you occasional photos? What more do you want?

My mum is part of my social circle so therefore sees far more of my children than my mil ( who only has sons). My mil knows this and respects it. Because she has never been dramatic Or competitive, if she ever felt she was being excluded I would respect her because she has been so reasonable. If she ever started pouting about me hanging out with my own mum I would lose all respect for her. Please try to reframe it and just enjoy what time you do get to spend with granddaughter- if you can’t and continue with this attitude you may well find the time you do have starts to lessen.

Op I’m very much of the view that new mothers have earned the right to take whatever time and space they need. That being said it would have to be a serious issue for me to have denied my Mil a visit for that long. We have a respectful relationship now but a difficult past, even then I would have felt guilty if I didn’t do all I could to facilitate even a short visit. I hope you have seen the baby by now and have had to some lovely newborn cuddles. I also hope your dil is ok as I assume she is having a very difficult time.

My heart is breaking , I'm a mother of 3 sons, I didn't choose their gender they are my world. I have a granddaughter now, as much as they include me I cry and wait for the crumbs off the table

Silver you say much as they include me -so what are you complaining about?
Why is your heart “breaking” and what difference does the gender of your grandchild make to how you feel about her?
I apologise if this sounds harsh, but if this is your attitude when you are with your sons and their families , they are going to wonder.
Crumbs off the table - that does not sound healthy.

Our DD's In-laws see the DGC more than we do. They are their first and only and they are younger and fitter than us.
Occasionally I hear the odd grumble about them but I say "shoosh, be grateful that you have such a great relationship".

We DGP live quite near each other so when they come to stay, they stay with his parents because it is all set up for them and get waited on hand and foot!

I hope the OP has seen the baby now. Sending good vibes.

I don’t think Silver14’s saying the gender of her grandchild matters at all. She’s making the point that she’s a paternal grandmother, due to the gender of her own children.

That is what I'm saying , years of folk saying shame you've got boys you won't see as much of your grandchildren, girls gravitate towards their mothers.
It's a fact I know but it hurts.
I'd never show it to the family. I shared it here as I hoped for some kind words to support me.

But why does it matter how much the other grandparents see your grandchildren. What If you didn’t know how often they had visits. It literally has no bearing on your life or your relationships whatsoever. It’s actually none of your business who your sons and their families see and how often. The only thing that matters is when they are with you. You are the maker and master of your own unhappiness. You say your sons include you, you clearly did a good job with them and you are part of their lives. That’s what matters.

I assure you I don't pout or make any fuss, you have a different perspective as your relationship is with your daughter. Be kind .

This is never my attitude when I'm with them , I wasn't complaining, I was hoping someone who was in the same position who understood could share some kind words.

My son hasn’t got any children so I can’t comment on that, both my daughters have children and I’m certain their in-laws have never been excluded.
We probably see more of them because we all do a lot of things together, but often my oldest daughters in-laws join us.

We’ve never met our other daughters partners mother, but I know she visits often, and they take her on holiday with them, so I don’t think you can generalise.

I agree.

My DS's MiL sees far more of our DGC than we do mainly because she is on her own and can travel freely. Also she is the maternal grandmother.
It really doesn't bother me as I have a lot of fun when I do see the GC. They know me and love me although they do not see me as often.
The more people who love these little beings the better in my opinion.

Sliver I don’t mean to unkind. I just find your outlook frustrating as it’s so glass half empty. I have girl friends friends who aren’t as close with their mothers and my oh is devoted to his mum and speaks to her daily. I think gender plays a part in our relationships with parents as we mature and grow our own families but their a lots of other factors too. Ultimately you have a loving family that include you and your focus is on what you don’t have. You can’t change the situation, you can only change your outlook.

Thank you. I'll take your wise words and have a word with myself!

I genuinely wish you lots of happy times and cuddles with your granddaughter! It’s definitely a special love and relationship that should be nurtured! X

Silver 14, you are not alone. There are many paternal grandmothers who have had the same feelings at some point, myself included, so I completely understand how you feel.

Maternal grandmothers, who only have daughters, have no real idea what it's like being the grandparent who sometimes doesn't get to spend so much time with our GC, and feeling like you're missing out. And, as we know, some DiLs can be quite unfeeling when it comes to their in laws. I'm sure if things were the other way around, many of them would feel the differently.

I think we just have to accept it, and make the most of the time that we do get to spend with our lovely GC.