Still not met three week old grandson.

I felt awful, for all sorts of reasons, when my first was born. I could not have faced my parents-in-law. I saw my mum (not even my lovely dad) my husband & my very best friend. That was all apart from professional visitors.
My PiLs had the good sense to wait until I felt able to see them. They said all the right things and took the lead from me.
We spent time with them later when all had settled down, and a year later, had a lovely holiday together.
Two years later, again unwell, with my new baby & toddler, my mum had become disabled. My MiL came to stay and help, and was tactful as ever.
She went on to have a great relationship with her grandchildren.

I wish you would read the posts properly ag because almost everyone has said to give them time (and we know how Grandma feels too, we all sympathise, it is just a matter of waiting). Your posts are, as usual, without any empathy at all for the situation and just to add no one is "plotting" anything (what a warped interpretation).

Could you ask your other sons and DILs, whom you seem to have a good relationship with, to ask their brother if there is a problem with you seeing the baby as you did when their children were born? Just out of interest, have any other members of your close family seen the new arrival?

Haven’t read all the posts so might be duplicating. Yes, I think it’s unreasonable that you haven’t had even a quick visit in three weeks, especially as DIL’s family are there every day. Very selfish.

Happygran, this happens. The d.i.ls parents, specially the Mother tends to be omnipresent. The girls seem to need their mothers more than their mothers-in-law. And I think, as in my case, their mothers could do, and did a lot more than I did. They are much younger than me. So I didn't mind at all.
Having said that, 3 weeks a long time to not see the little one.
Congratulations and I hope you get to see him soon.

I’m going to incur wrath when I say this, but if it’s proving so difficult to breast feed, then a bottle is probably a happier option, and a less stressed new mum.

Calendargirl I don’t think you should incur anyone’s wrath! A happy baby is a fed baby. My sis in law struggled terribly with her first to breast feed and eventually after around 3 weeks moved to bottles, however she was a new mum and was trying to heed the advice being given by various professionals around her encouraging her to keep trying. She was eventually so exhausted that my brother put his foot down and bought formula. She also came under a lot of pressure with her subsequent two children who she formula fed from birth from these same professionals. It’s a shame for these poor women, encouragement is one thing, but the shame and feelings of failure many of them end up with is horrendous!

I don't believe all this talk of grandparent 'bonding' with a new baby. I think it's tosh. Of course we all get excited and think our grandkids are enchanting marvels (well, we know they are ?) but babies take a while even to bond with their mum, so I don't think you are missing out any bonding time. Cuddle time, marvelling time, maybe.

If the mum is struggling to breast feed I can fully understand why she only wants her own relatives around. She probably feels awkward about it with anyone else. If she is using bottles already I shouldn't think it will be long before you can visit, or even that they will visit you.

So hold your horses and don't be resentful. It'll be worth it.

All the best

Waiting is waiting, keep it up, you have nothing to lose.

Whilst it is very disappointing not to have seen the baby I wonder if there is some other issue. For example is baby not latching because he is premature or has mum got a touch of the baby blues and just can’t see you. The young couple may feel very private about problems that they hope are about to settle down.. your DIL may also feel that once you start visiting then you will be round there several times a week. Who knows? Only your DIL. I had a very difficult birth and a premature baby so am perhaps reading too much into this. Hang on for a few more days, keep saying thank you for the photos. Better to be genuinely welcome in the next week or two than simply tolerated tomorrow surely? Also - be proud of your son, thanking you, sending photos and supporting his wife. It will feel so amazing when you get that first cuddle - soon I hope.

There are a couple of posters on here who I am so glad didn't marry int8my family. This attitude that once a man marries, his parents become some sort ofdistant relatives is really depressing but I've seen it on mumsnet threads as well.

It was different times but when I arrived home with baby, struggling out of the car as I was sore with 5 episiotomy stitches, and having had a flat tyre on the journey, my in-laws were sitting on the drive in anticipation. What did I do.... Made dinner for tephem, they only lived ten minutes away.
I wish I'd had the backbone of some of today's young mums.

However, this is not the case with op. I agree that 3 weeks is a long time, I'd be gutted. But what can you do? Be nice and bide your time. It's nice that d's is sending regular pics of baby. Could you reply to a pic....... "baby is so gorgeous we are looking forward to cuddles. ". or something like that.

Congratulations Happygran1964 on the birth of your grandson! It is completely understandable that you feel as you do, regardless of what others might be saying. (I sometimes think that certain others on here are planted to stir up the threads). I don't see how you could help but feel hurt and slighted but try your best to not take it personally. I agree with others that you shouldn't push at this point. I hope things improve soon, keep us posted.

@Agnurse and @Summerlove

Good posts!

1 hour visit, for a postpartum mother, may feel like 4 or more hours.

Your son thanked you for the balllons and other presents, why does your dil need to thank you too?

It is very hard for grandparents but we do not have any 'rights' over our children or grandchildren. I do think the ban on visitors is a growing way of doing things and should be respected. In the long run a tiny baby is not going to know you anyway so be patient, make understanding noises, ask if they need anything that you can help with and ask your son for a regular on line picture.. maybe even FaceTime or Skype. If they lived overseas, as my mum did when my brother was born, it was a year before grandparents got to see him..but they loved each other just as much as if they had been with him from day one!

Did your son send you pictures of the baby?
Maybe a short videochat would help?

You want to meet your gc for cuddles. The mother becomes irrelevant and secondary, now invisible. As a dil, I wouldn't like that.

Maybe her family are there to help, take care of her, the mother?

Dil is super busy now. A visit with you, "if only an hour" (that's a long time in a new mother's calendar), means she has to get dressed, presentable and play the hostess role.
Trust me, it doesn't work for her. Entertaining visitors is at the bottom of her priorities

You also mention baby is taking the bottle, would you want to bottle feed too?

You see where I am going? Your expectations are not hers and the baby to fulfill.

The more you push dil, the more she will push back.

I feel for you happygran1964 think this is a bit unfair. I’m the mother of three sons and if I was treat anywhere near this I would be so unhappy. Feel for you I do.

Hi there

Why shouldn’t she thank us?

Janeainsworth

Thank you. ?

Was your relationship good before the baby was born?

PECS, really, they loved each other just as much as if they had been with him from day one? I am not doubting you. It is just that I find that difficult to imagine. Mind you that may just be my perspective as my brother and I never loved our own grandparents and I think it is doubtful I will ever love my son's baby now. I appreciate that's my experience and not yours.

However, in the big scheme of things, a few weeks before meeting a grandchild won't make any difference although I know it is hard for the OP

OP,

Your son already thanked you. Why shall dil do the same? You didn't answer my question.

I think you mentioned you wanted to show your kids off as soon as you could.
Your dil is not you. She is not going to do what you did. She is choosing her own path

How does a GM wanting to cuddle her GC make her d.i.l., the baby's mother invisible Hithere? Why does having her m.i.l. pop round for an hour require her to play hostess?

She doesn't need to "entertain" her m.i.l. all the OP wants is to see her GC for goodness sake. Happygran hasn't said she wants to give her GC a bottle, she just said that the baby is being bottle fed with expressed milk.

And yes, why shouldn't Happygran's d.i.l. thank her for the gifts? Does giving birth equate to losing good manners?

Honestly some of the responses here are ridiculous!

I think the first few weeks of a new baby are a bit of an exhausting fog that pass by before you even realise it. You don't need to bond with the baby, you haven't bonding hormones. I don't think she needs to say thank you either if you have already been thanked. Bettter to just let that go or you are just creating resentment. It might be that mum isn't feeling very put together, no energy for housework or getting dressed etc and worried about people seeing her and thinking badly of her. Maybe call and ask of you can do anything helpful like take a meal over or some shopping, make it all about concern for them and being helpful. Don't be surprised if you don't get to hold baby the first few times though, don't even ask, just bring mum a cup of tea or a glass of water and cross your fingers x

It is clear they want to see the gc and cuddle. No mention of helping dil and son, or wanting to see them too. That makes the adults invisible according to OP's agenda