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Adult children returning home

(104 Posts)
LouTog Tue 05-May-20 12:51:58

My middle son lives away - during lockdown hes on his own completely. He only moved to this big city in Jan 20 - hes been furloughed from his job. But whilst he was at home with me he had poor mental health but he moved out to help himself.
Before moving he lived with me & my partner for 3 months. My partner made it clear he didn't like him & resented him being there.
Im so torn - I feel terrible for my son - he couldn't come back before lockdown because of my partner. Hes suffering now & I don't know how to help him. Ive tried to discuss with it with my partner or even ask for some support for me but he just doesn't see the need.
I know other people cant provide a solution but anyone any thoughts on how to help him & help me

Missiseff Wed 06-May-20 09:54:40

Both my kids (adults) would come before any man too. If a man didn't like either of them, he'd be shown the door pronto

donna1964 Wed 06-May-20 09:54:48

This is something that should have been sorted before you and your Partner got together. As in...if your children ever need will be there for them! As your partner got children of his own? If so he should understand that...although some Parents don't put their children first but themselves. Mental Health is a serious illness and should not be ignored...your son did not choose to suffer this fact he would give anything not to have this illness. If your son is so vulnerable and your Partner won't have him at both your home...I would go to him. Your partner obviously does not like nor understand him and only you will know why. Whatever that problem it bad enough to ignore your sons needs??

Lolly69 Wed 06-May-20 09:55:58

The partner sounds like a real piece of work - I’d show him the door. This would not mean that your son would bounce straight back home but it would give him reassurance and potentially lesson his stress. As for you, well you sound like a really caring person and there will be a good hearted, generous person for you out there and if your partner doesn’t see this then, as I said, show him the door - it’s an added stress you don’t need.

nosyla Wed 06-May-20 09:57:20

Your partner doesn’t sound that caring to be honest.
My friend who is in isolation because her husband has underlying heath conditions has an adult son with special needs that lives away on his own and suffering with depression, I suggested playing online FaceTime games with him and it’s worked , you could try playing FaceTime scrabble with him or chess or something to kill a few hours . Hope it helps x

Susan55 Wed 06-May-20 09:58:57

I've been in a very similar situation and so have some understanding of how you must feel and it's not good. Being pulled in two like this is extremely distressing, mainly because the situation seems pretty much impossible to fix.

If your son moved out previously then it would seem that he must have a small light somewhere inside himself to manage and deal with the situation and that light will still be there, even though he may be struggling. As a mother you will naturally want to help him the best you can but feel pulled because he cannot be under your physical care.

As this is not easy to manage with your partner, let your son know that you are there for him and will listen to any concerns he might have or to offer advice at any time. Knowing you are there in mind and spirit will go a long way to helping him through this difficult time. And he WILL come through it, in his own way.

Be as supportive as you possibly can be from afar knowing that you will all get through this, somehow. Don't worry yourself into ill health. Be strong and supportive from afar.

I hope this helps you. I have been in this situation and it nearly drove me to distraction. Looking back, though, everyone came out of it just fine. And you will too.

Sending lots of love to you.

Dillyduck Wed 06-May-20 10:00:29

I don't think much of your partner. What happened to "love me love my kids"?

Harris27 Wed 06-May-20 10:01:04

My son has been away on his own and is now back and I’m glad he’s home at the moment although he doesn’t suffer from mental health problems I feel he keeps a lot inside. I’m glad he’s home and we can go trough this all together.,I would try and help your son though.

jaylucy Wed 06-May-20 10:03:05

When someone becomes a partner in your life, that, to me, means that they are a partner of all of it. They may not like bits of it, but it is all part and parcel of who you are.
If your partner doesn't want your son in your home because of childish jealousy of your son - he's not the man for you. IMO he either has to accept that your son is part of you , or he needs to ship out!

Jishere Wed 06-May-20 10:05:25

I have to agree with those who say a son comes before a partner regardless of how old son is. Your partner sounds callous. Although you don't say how long you have been together but this lack of support is sad. Has your partner got his own children?
Is he jealous of the attention and the way you feel about your son? Sounds like your partner wants to be the only man in your life.

Moggycuddler Wed 06-May-20 10:08:19

Can only agree with everyone else. Unless there is a very compelling reason (such as violence) why your partner is so against your son, he is being uncaring and unreasonable. You would not forgive yourself if your son got in a really bad way and you could have had him with you and helped.

SunnySusie Wed 06-May-20 10:10:02

Other people who have responded to you LouTog feel, like me, that your son and his needs must be the highest priority here. After all your son had poor mental health and your partner doesnt. This makes your son the one who is more vulnerable and needing support. My heart goes out to you with the dilemma because our son has Aspergers and is living in a big city in a small apartment and is totally isolated now his job has shut down. I am seriously worried he might do something drastic because he struggled with communication because of his condition even before all this happened. I know he wouldnt ask for help. Luckily my husband is moderately supportive, but as our son is in the USA there is no chance of visits now, or for the forseeable future, which is depressing just in itself. I call him once a week on Skype which invariably causes me sleepless nights, but I hope helps him in some way. He is in despair, but unable to articulate it, or understand it. So I have no real answers, but I wanted to share our story to let you know you are not alone with your worries. If there is anything you can do for your son then my feeling is you should do it.

FarNorth Wed 06-May-20 10:11:55

Your son's situation is made worse by being aware that he is unwelcome to stay in your home.

Why does your partner resent your son?

crimpedhalo Wed 06-May-20 10:13:51

Unless the man in your life (just can't call him 'partner'??) sees your and your son's needs, I wouldn't have your son back home as you said he wasn't welcome by your other half.
If possible go and stay with your son and help him over this period in his life. Then while there seriously consider your relationship with the man in your life and make plans.
Wishing you and your son well??

Hawera1 Wed 06-May-20 10:14:51

Talk to your partner and say either he comes home or I go stay with him and mean it

TrendyNannie6 Wed 06-May-20 10:16:21

what has your partner got against your son? Could he be jealous of your relationship, my children would come before a partner

jefm Wed 06-May-20 10:18:22

There is massive support for the son in these replies and none at all for the partner. LouTog said he resented her son being with them and made it clear he did'nt like him. We don't know that he was unkind. My Dil doesn't like me - long story but I have always welcomed her and adore my grandchildren. Yes I believe its important to support her son but actually her son does have his life to lead and once all of this is over so does his mother. She cant be bound to holding him up for the rest of his life. maybe her partner feels this too. It doesn't say that her partner is unkind to her or that they dont love each other. Be very careful here mothers of sons. I have 2 sons in their 40s now who live hundreds of miles away and as much as i would always want to be there for them in times of need I cant hold them up at all times. This"sons before a lifelong partner" tack -assuming they are happy of course is ridiculous . Sorry !

Purplepixie Wed 06-May-20 10:19:31

I would drop the partner if he didn't like my son. Sorry but no one dictates how I help my child. Its your house and home as well, so point out to your partner that your son needs your help. Don't live to regret not helping your son over the words of your partner.

Craftycat Wed 06-May-20 10:22:41

I agree with the majority- he is your son & he needs you. If your partner cannot accept this maybe he needs to re-think his attitude. Family will always come first.

Teddy123 Wed 06-May-20 10:29:09

Are you living in what was 'your' home, your partners home or a joint home. I only ask because if it was 'my' home...... Well I'd probably tell your partner to move out! Sorry if that's rather a black and white answer.... But I guess I'm like that!

I do think some restrictions will be eased later this week which hopefully will make life easier for your son. But your partner has shown little or no consideration for your worries.

Partners come and go! Children are for life!

Good luck with everything x

Grannygrumps1 Wed 06-May-20 10:29:42

Blood is thicker than water. Your partner is being coercive.
Get your son home and kick your partner out. He is not much of a man. If he cares about you he should also care about your family.

Coconut Wed 06-May-20 10:35:47

Unless there is abuse from an AC, no decent man would ever make a mother choose between him and the son. Worst case scenario here, if something awful happened to your son, you would never, ever forgive yourself, and you would certainly never forgive your partner so the relationship would end anyway. I told my ex that if he ever even made me choose between him and my kids, the marriage is over anyway, out of a total lack of respect and acknowledgement of the mother/child relationship. Put your son 1st, he needs you, your love for him is unconditional and your son cannot be replaced.

Rose30 Wed 06-May-20 10:42:01

Agree with all those saying put your son first. My children were 5 and 7 when I separated from their father. I made it clear in any relationship that they came first. It's probably why I still live on my own! They are now 35 and 37 and we are still all very close

Aepgirl Wed 06-May-20 10:51:01

How difficult this is. It must be so hard having to choose between your son and your partner. How long have you been with your partner, as if it’s not long then my choice would be my son, particularly as he has mental problems. Sorry, I’m no help at all.

patricia1958 Wed 06-May-20 10:52:16

Your partner is only thinking about himself not what he needs but what he wants and he's not even thinking about you perhaps if you said to him because you won't let your son come to stay with you your going to him at a time like this you must be worried about your son I would keep talking to your son and let him know how much you love him and your trying to sort something out I wish your partner would stop thinking me me me all the time

LouTog Wed 06-May-20 10:53:47

Thank you for all your replies - Its been really heartwarming to get your thoughts - particularly around the support for an adult child. I cant go to him as it would require a flight across sea & . as such he cant come home atm either. previously it was a terrible atmosphere between partner & son that broke me in two everyday.
The house was mine (& sons home) but is now jointly owned. Partner does have adult children too (but tellingly) left two families when children were young. There was no violence from anyone.
Im sick with worry for my son - I haven't been able to reach him for 24 hours & the worry is destroying me