Adult children returning home

Your son needs you. Pack a bag and go there to support him.

It's all very well saying kick the man out,what if the home is his,
I have been in a similiar situation, but my H had never met my eldest son,who lived with his father by choice, but wabted to come back to me,he was only about 13 at the time, i wasn't even allowed to let him visit me,even though i had my [now ex] children to stay
I already had 2 children when i remarried, and he wasn't good to them either, he always called them my children and even at Christmas i had to buy MY childrens presents
He owned the house,which he put in his name only
I feel very sorry for the op,
Things are not always easy
I couldn't do this as mine lived with his father at that age
He doesn't even speak to me now,as he didn't understand at that age and blames me
There were other reasons i eventually left, but it is not easy
If i was you op,i would leave and go to my son

The terrible atmosphere between your partner and son should have been the time to ship partner out. Anyway, you didn't.
Is there anyone you could get in touch with to go and check on your son? I totally get your stress, my son went missing once whilst out on his own, drunk, two hundred miles from home. Worst 24 hours of my life. Please try and get someone to check on him x

@LouTog, my heart goes out to you, I hope your son is alright. I hate to say this, but for me nobody would ever come before my children and now my grandchildren. I have always felt very strongly about this.

The truth is we don't know the whole story here. We do know LouTog isn't happy and the relationship with her partner is not one that is likely to include her son. We know that the son is alone during lockdown and struggling.

As there are currently things that are very hard to change I think we shouldn't be too demanding of LouTog just now. If we can support her through this crisis then she is better able to support her son whilst she makes some important decisions. The time for changes and action may be better afterwards. Only LouTog knows the extent of the problems.

As others have said, this may be her partner's home. There may be no funds to find anywhere else, the son may actually not want to live with his mother anymore. We are making assumptions here.

If the partner cannot accept her relationship with her son then that is a big issue and does definately need attention but "just do it" makes a separation seem easy.

Dump the man..... protect your son.

Depending on the age of your son eg is he 18 or 40 how to deal with the situation may be different. Also why your partner doesn't like your son can play a part. You need to discuss the whole situation with those involved but make up your own mind on what you do after listening to what is said. You could try to a access MH services from what you say your son may well be involved already to some degree or you could move in with your son after self isolating for 7 days. Difficult situation, you have to go with your heart.

What do you want?
What would be possible and acceptable to you?
Put your son and partner aside for a moment and ask yourself these questions

One of my sons lives abroad and told me that he found the first two weeks of lockdown exceptionally difficult. What he found helped enormously with setting up a strict routine for his day, which involved booking a personal trainer for physical exercise (online, of course) and scheduling online meetings with family and friends. Having had a very demanding job he found that a strict routine was absolutely essential. I hope this can help your son, but I also feel from the bottom of my heart that your partner is a taker not a giver, so you should dump him.

Loutog, my son lives alone, a long way from me. He has had severe depression problems for some time, including feeling suicidal but over the last 18 months has had wonderful help.
Ask him if he would speak to his GP, this is what my son did eventually with our support. If not a sympathetic doctor tell him to ask if there is a GP who has more mental health/depression training that he could see within the practice. The thought of having a mental health diagnosis prevented my son going originally but now wishes he’d asked for help sooner.
His GP got him an appointment with the community health team very quickly. They, although dealing with many people, have been excellent. He has had psychologist appointments, firstly fortnightly, now monthly. He’s ready to be discharged but has been told he won’t be discharged until the covid19 crisis is over so is having a fortnightly check on the phone.
I know the situation is difficult now but I’m sure help will still be there. My son has also been given emergency phone numbers and other contacts and once discharged will be able to self refer if needed.
Please put your son first and then deal with you partners problems. My husband is step father to my four children and has admitted he didn’t foresee dealing with this. He has no children of his own. However I have to say he has overcome this to an extent, not completely but has been very good to him despite his feelings.
Look up Mind and/or Community Health Team in his and your areas. You can find support for family, friends too.
My thoughts are with you. ?

LouTog, I totally feel for you. One of my kids has serious mental health issues, even though happily married, good mental health team, excellent counsellor, medication... I can't count the times I've expected a call announcing suicide. Still do sometimes.
Living with a young man with this problem who isn't your own is very difficult for your partner I suspect. Mental health issues are so complex.
There's loads I could say but mainly I would ask if your son wants you to be with him? My eldest stays with me (usually) from time to time to give other half a break, but always feels a burden to me (that's imagined, not the reality).
If he really wants you there I think I would go to him. On health grounds I believe you would be allowed to do that now? I agree with another GNetter that your partner may not leave anyway, even if he isn't happy. But who is in these situations?!!!
Wishing you every best, wish I could be nearby to support you.

LouTog. Are you in a totally locked down country? If you or your son are in the UK it may be possible to see him providing you can make contact and are willing to take a flight. I would be very conflicted I know.

If you’ve only lived together for three months yet your home is now in joint names despite his previous history with family, you have some serious concerns right now. I saw this happen twice when we owned a company employing drivers but not sure how you can move forward. Both times the women had previously been practical and sensible but caught off guard, presumably at a vulnerable moment.

I lost my son to suicide, he suffered terribly with Bipolar disorder. I never turned him away I only wish for another chance to hug him, talk to him, love him. Which heartbreak would you prefer? Loss of an unfeeling, cold partner or your son. I know what my decision would be! My advice is make a mother’s decision not a lovers.......

Tell partner to go....let your son come home. I think everyone is saying the same. It is at times like this that people show their true colours....your partner is not being caring...you don't need someone like that in your life at the moment.

Ditch the partner if he won't be reasonable. If your son has mental health difficulties the last thing he needs right now is to be in solitary confinement because he may begin to self-neglect. I appreciate that he may be difficult to be around, and that you may over-indulge him and be party to his lack of personal resourcefulness, but none of us know the full story - you need to get your partner to discuss his objections openly with you and maybe you need to make some accommodation of those - for instance if he feels you mollycoddle your son you need to ask him for concrete examples and if they are reasonable you need to find a way around them in the interests of housing your son with you. At the same time, you need to identify which behaviours towards your son you find unreasonable coming from your partner. And then you need to discuss with your son what his wishes are and whether he can adjust his behaviour. I accept that these may be difficult for you to do but it's either make some inroads by tackling the conflicts between your son and your partner, or make a choice. Sure, it's tough and I might be leaning towards bringing your son back home and telling your partner that it's a fait accompli and if he wishes to leave he can do, but do make sure that your son also owns his own behaviour. There's too much talk of people with mental health difficulties being unable to normalise their behaviour - frankly as a psychotherapist, I know that to be untrue. You could get your son to use NHS counselling services available through your GP at no cost.

Maybe others would disagree, but I could never be with someone who didn't like my child. That was the reason I stayed single after my husband left me when my boys were very small. But even though they are now adults, if my new partner didn't get along with my family, then it would be a huge no-go. Your child is your child whether they are 40 or 4. Maybe if its mild disagreements, thats one thing, but your child has mental health issues, and you are his family, and your nasty partner is making it impossible for you to help him. How mean spirited can you get??
Men come and go...children are for life.

I agree with all the others,my son would come first, your partner doesn't seem a nice person,i would definitely pack some things & go move in with son for awhile to look after him,'the rules' do say you can do that, go care for someone. Where that leaves you with your partner afterwards only you would know,but if he didnt want you back in those circumstances,then he is not worth having is he?

There is that old saying 'blood is thicker than water'. I find it always difficult to give advice as unless you know all the underlying problems the advice could be completely wrong. But on the surface, and if your sons needs your support and love and your partner is being unreasonable I know who I would chose. Anyone who sees someone suffering and does not try to help could and probably would do the same to you (partner or no partner). I know there are always other factors to consider but there is help out there for you and your son and at least you will always know that you did your best.

My son had depression following protracted break up with GF. I got a call from his GP once saying he hadn’t trueness up for an appointment but when he had booked it he disclosed he had contacted Samaritans. I Was beside myself until I spoke to son - it taught me definitely child before partner

Whilst I agree that the OP needs to support her son, on a practical level things are not always that easy. I would tell my partner that I am going to stay with my son for a while ( not sure if this is allowed in UK ) and when I return we need to discuss our future together.
It seems that things are not going well in any case LouTog but do make sure you have thought everything through before making a decision.

My ex H was like that(years ago now) he disliked my other kids(pretended otherwise at first) and in particular disliked my (then) youngest son,as he was very jealous of my previous hubby,in end i realised he would have to go,as we had our own child by then and it was not a good atmosphere to bring up children in.Theyre all older now,of course,but none of my kids liked him. And i suspect he may have had 'issues' of some kind as he's been argumentative with 2 girlfriends/partners he's had since as well.our own son is 17 now but has never really had close feelings for his dad,even he doesn't seem to like him.

What an awful dilemma for you. I think from your post you know where your heart lies. Children are always a priority in my opinion regardless of age. Speaking as someone who suffers with mental health I can assure you that your son needs you. Your partner sounds a very uncaring person. Don’t let him dictate what you should do. For me it would be “we come as a package take it or leave it” but that’s your choice to make. I sincerely hope you find the answer. ?

Yours is an essential journey so book a flight asap. You and your other half will have some thinking space.
My heart aches for you xx

I agree with a lot here, if your Partner has no understanding of your feelings, what are you doing with him. As others have said I would do all that I could to help my son .

Hi LouTog there are many good and caring replies to your heartfelt problem. I would agree to putting your son's mental health first. I was in a very similar situation myself 12years ago. (Minus lockdown) I put my 25 year old son first despite resistance from partner. I'm glad I did and I am comforted to hear that many would do the same I do feel for you and hope for the best outcome for you all. x