To be angry with my brother over our fathers death?

Look you got mad at yourself for choosing to look after your father- As time passed, you regretted assuming the responsibility because he didn't die fast enough, one brother only pitched in once a week and the other barely-

It's one thing to assume responsibility for what you choose to do and yet another to blame your siblings for not doing the job "you" took on- And then turn around and not only vent to your family and friends not that "you" bit off more than you can chew but that your brother, in a nutshell, is a useless, self-centered person who never did anything for anyone else other than himself- You yourself even said he was barely there, but I guess barely is nothing is to you-

Either do what you "want" him to or he's trash- Hopefully, he will wise up- And not allow you to mistreat him like your father treated your mom-

Priceless.

I guess if someone decides to have 6 kids it's okay to expect your siblings to help you raise them, because after all, they're 'family' and should put their life on hold because of personal decisions you made...

Wow. Talk about not taking personal responsibility. "I took my dad in and then expected others' to do what I think they should be doing and then I get angry and go on the attack when they are doing their life 'wrong' from my POV."

And yet here you are, telling a total stranger that she's doing her life wrong..

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MissAdventure -- The way OP is treating her brother is wrong. How she chooses to do her life is her business. Taking in her father was HER choice. Taking her anger out on her brother(s) for doing/not doing what she thought he/they should be doing is very wrong. It's pretty simple from my POV.

Don't blame and attack other people for choices you personally make. Take responsibility for your own actions and choices. Making your personal choices someone else's problem is not okay any more then having many children and then expecting someone else to put their life on hold because you need 'help' raising those kids.

If OP didn't want the inconvenience/burden of looking after anyone (her father included) she should not have taken on that responsibility or she should have done so with the agreement of her brothers on what their role would be in his care, if any. OP made a unilateral decision to help her father. That choice did not bring any obligation to her brothers.

Holyhannah, Bibbity and rosecarmel … your missing the point, (intentionally?).

The brother has a problem with his father not his sister.

It should be possible to separate the two relationships in his mind and offer some kind of support to her, (not their father), even if he doesn't agree with her decision!

If op's brother is a narcissist I couldn't say, but he has tried to manipulate other peoples view of him and his relationship with his father, by lying on fb. Which is classic behaviour for a narc, wouldn't you agree?

You make the mistake of insisting he has rights (to behave in a certain way) but the op doesn't Hh

As for your comment of there being a message (in the replies that are supportive of the op I'm guessing(?))
How did you come by that assumption?
No where does anyone say anything about obligation or loyalty to the father.

I repeat, it was the brothers behaviour towards his sister the op, that people commented on.

rosecarmel … op vents on GN, her brother lies on fb, don't you see the difference??

I hope you can, but it explains a lot otherwise.

I’m sorry but what are you talking about?

The brother has a problem with his father not his sister.

My only point has always been that no parent has the right for their child to care for them.

And no abusive man has the right to his children full stop. The OP chose to care for him. She doesn’t get anything for that.

But her brother was not wrong in anyway shape or form for not assisting her in his care.
He was abusive. He was cruel. And his children owed him nothing.

Namsnanny, family dynamics are interdependent - If the brother has a problem with the father, and then the sister looks after the father, he now has a problem with sister as well- The sister isn't separate from the system, or excluded, but part of it-

I've no idea whatsoever if the OP's side of the story is any more accurate than the brothers story being retold by the OP-

As far as manipulation is concerned, they could be 2 peas in a pod, namsnanny- She did vent to family and friends with intention and an agenda-

Simply put, if she wanted to be honest, she'd of held herself accountable for taking on the responsibility and admitting that she was angry with herself- Apologize to her brothers and then clear the slate with the rest of her family and friends that she dragged into the mess-

Namsnanny -- So OP's brother is not obligated to do anything for his father but he is obligated to support his sister? No adult owes another adult anything PERIOD Stepping back from an abusive/dysfunctional family is a personal decision and brother shouldn't be turned into a villain for his choice.

OP described getting enraged by a FB post. Instead of talking to her brother about it she decided she was justified to go off on him with "both barrels". Two wrongs certainly don't make a right and yet lots of people have cheered on OP's decision to do just that.

I have no idea what was going through OP's brothers mind with his FB post. It could be he is a Narcissist looking for attention OR he could be an abused child from a dysfunctional family trying to navigate the loss of an abusive parent. Wouldn't you agree?

No where does anyone say anything about obligation or loyalty to the father.

Ideally, adult children should share responsibility for even a truly useless parent.

That sure sounds to me like some think that AC are responsible to look after their parent(s).

"Ideally, adult children should share responsibility for even a truly useless parent"

No, they "should" not-

A daughter works as a nurse in a nursing home where her father who abused her eventually became a resident- She asked to be transferred to another floor due to conflict- Her supervisor refused- Her father accused of her stealing and mistreatment- She was raked over the coals in front of the in house medical board and dismissed- After 2 years of dedicated work in the geriatric field, which was her passion-

Sorry Bibbity, I've given plenty of explanation.
But maybe this one last time.

The A children don't owe their father anything, in any way. That is totally accepted. I agree with you.

I don't think anyone has said they should.
Again for Holyhannah No one on this thread has said the op or siblings owe loyalty or anything to this particular father.

That doesn't make the op wrong in anyway to do what she did.

That also doesn't mean the brother couldn't have found a way to support his sister if he'd wanted to.

He doesn't have to deal with his father to show solidarity with her.

I know how I would do this, and in fact I have.
But he didn't. In anyway.

That and lying on fb is why op was cross.
No subtext so far as I could see.

That is the part that most people are responsive towards.

rosecarmel … it's just your perspective, doesn't make it true.
In fact you have outlined where your mistake is. Just because sister is part of the problem, doesn't make her the problem.
A way to circumvent the sh1t is to cut it out right? So treat the two relationships separately.
Because that is what they are.
Separate people.

Too much need for blame.

I can see you have written more, but frankly I've heard it all before. so I'm off to sleep

He doesn’t owe his sister any support in her struggles with the man who abused him. End of.

If she were separate, as in stood on her own two feet and shouldered the responsibility she chose, she'd of taken care of the father on her own, without pissing and moaning to family and friends and expecting her brothers to help her-

Namsnanny -- "The A children don't owe their father anything, in any way. That is totally accepted. I agree with you.

I don't think anyone has said they should."

Really? Why do sons always get the best? You have every right to feel hurt, angry, devastated. Let your brother have it with more than both barrels. It’s no more than he deserves given he did nothing to help you look after dad during his final years.

Gaslighting works better if I can't find quotes that totally disprove what you are trying to convince me is NOT being said.

Weddings, births and passings create the most amount of family conflict.
This is no exception.

The OP clearly has unrealistic expectations of the role this brother had while the father was alive.

The FB post does seem to be a little insensitive.
However, let him have all the sympathies and skewed view of your father.
Everybody grieves differently, we do not know what the brother is going through and his past trauma.

May I ask why it bothers you so much? If anything, it shows what kind of person your brother is, it has 0 reflection on you.
Do you think you deserved those sympathies more than him?

"I had a horrible week as he got more poorly and had the paramedics out twice before they would take him into hospital due to Covid 19, but I could see he was dying anyway so it wouldn’t make any difference"

If I read it correctly, did your father pass away at home, as paramedics where not called a third time?

Could this be why your brother is making references both something odd in his death?

Hithere asks, "Do you think you deserved those sympathies more than him?" I'd say that is exactly what she is thinking because she says, "He got lots of sympathy and I was furious."

OP got furious because some were/are treating his loss as equal to hers. All of the siblings lost their father... Who gets angry at being treated equally?

The OP's brother recognises he behaved inappropriately and has apologised to the OP. Despite some here seeking to cast the OP in a bad light, her brother has admitted that it's he and not his sister who was in the wrong.

OK. But why has he behaved badly? His father passed. His abusive father.
Poor man has a lot to unpack.

Just because OP chose to care for him doesn’t make him any less worthy.

He behaved badly by posting what he did on FB. In my first response on this thread I said it was fair enough for him to not want contact with his abusive father, put to post on FB that he was a "wonderful father and role model" was wrong.

The OP's response to his FB post has nothing to do with her being furious because some were/are treating his loss as equal to hers, it was hypocritical of him to make that post.

Namsnanny has made an excellent point in that he could have supported his sister without having to engage directly with their father.

Unless the OP gives more information, we don't know if her brother's apology was for his FB post and/or him not being supportive of his sister.

I think it unlikely that the OP will be back and who can blame her.

The nastiness of some of the responses here beggars belief. A GN comes looking for answers and is accused of pissing and moaning!!

The level of antagonism against the OP appears to have increased since she received an apology from her brother, when the only thing that should matter is that an apology has been given and the OP and her brother will hopefully be able to find a way forward and be there for one another in the future.

Nobody has said he is less worthy.

He has made contact with the op (who also has a lot to "unpack") so I think it's probably time to let the thread rest, rather than keep harping on.

It's disrespectful, so no more from me.

Jane10 I apologise for not reading your first post properly to the end.
I don't understand why everyone is paying so much attention to rosecarmel and HolyHannah I wonder why they have become so very invested in something like this which is a clear case of someone trying to present an image of themselves and A N Other on social media which appears to be the very opposite of what they're actually like in real life, and someone who knows the truth, maybe slightly over-reacting because they're bereaved and, understandably, mentally and physically exhausted.
I feel for you OP. Your reaction maybe wasn't the best but totally understandable given the circumstances.
I'm sorry you came on here as a safe place to vent and encountered the elements you have.
I hope you find some peace over the ensuing months.

rosecarmel

Drivel ..



as usual

You have described your posts accurately. I should just add bile, and such a propensity to read something and change what’s there into something else entirely. Still, you aren’t on your own. I have realised that the political threads have nothing on the threads started by someone either seeking support or asking for advice. The sheer nastiness doled out by some is staggering. Quite sinister and SM and the anonymity it affords really does show what lurks beneath the surface of some AND it’s always the same ones.