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(112 Posts)
Willow73 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:38:09

Anyone out there who has totally different hobbies and like different things to their husbands? Lockdown has made me realise what life will be like when he retires. I don't love him anymore so feel like I should perhaps call our marriage a day and live on my own to do what I want, when I want. We have no children together and I am 59, should I stay or go?

Angeleyes58xx Mon 08-Jun-20 10:05:47

Willow73. I would leave, in fact I did leave, I left everything I owned and walked out in just the clothes I was wearing, mine was different circumstances than yours as I was being abused.
But just to say you can make a new life for yourself, why live in a miserable place with some one you no longer love. I wish you good luck and happiness for your new future if you take it.❤️??xx

pennykins Mon 08-Jun-20 10:05:50

You are young enough to meet someone else if you want to and if you are financially secure I would certainly go for it in your position.
Being in love and loving someone I feel are 2 different things and if you feel neither then you are wasting what is left of your life.

CarlyD7 Mon 08-Jun-20 10:06:33

Firstly, I urge you to contact RELATE who are the specialists in relationship counselling - you don't have to go with your husband (or find a local counsellor you feel comfortable working with). You desperately need someone outside the relationship (and even your family) who has no agenda for you and is totally impartial, to talk this through - it's a big decision. Secondly, consult a solicitor so that you know exactly what the courts would be likely to conclude (as others have said, just because the house is in your name, doesn't mean you can hold onto it). Also, make sure you have copies of all his financial investments, dealings, etc (partners have been known to hide all this when they realise that they are heading to the divorce courts). Personally, I wouldn't tell him what you're doing until you've decided what's best for YOU (after doing work with a counsellor and seeing the solicitor). You never know, he might agree to go to relationship counselling with you but if he doesn't, then at least you'll be in a much stronger position. Preparation is the key.

silverlining48 Mon 08-Jun-20 10:06:37

Willow Maybe you need to speak to your husband and also get legal advice to clarify your position re property etc.

kitnsimon Mon 08-Jun-20 10:07:34

ask him to leave, you have a right
to some happiness. lots of ladies are happier on their own.
check the financial side carefully though.

tickingbird Mon 08-Jun-20 10:07:47

EllanVannin Living alone is fine. I live alone out of choice. I have family, friends and a partner but no desire to have another man under my roof.

I think living alone is great. Some people just can’t be on their own so keep marrying unsuitable partners and end up unhappy. OP states her DH has bern married 3 times. If one must get married then take it seriously.

Advice to OP - think things through carefully, plan ahead and make the break. 59 isn’t old these days; you have a lot of living left. Good luck.

Pommiegran Mon 08-Jun-20 10:08:15

I divorced my husband in my early fifties. Thr children had gone and settled with partners. I realised I needed a much more nurturing relationship. I eventually re-married, as he has too. I think we have both had better lives apart. Remember - no-one says it will be easy, but it will be better.

CarlyD7 Mon 08-Jun-20 10:09:32

PS counselling is still going on - even under Lockdown - via webcam, live chats and over the phone.

b1zzle Mon 08-Jun-20 10:11:55

I left. At 70. For the same reasons and more, but if you go, be warned: you will miss your home (far more than you miss him at first); then you will miss him. I do. Even now, but I work through it. I gave him 22 years of my life and he took them along with my health, wealth and sanity. I will not give him the satisfaction of crawling back to him because I know that six weeks down the line, I'll want to leave again. Please be sure. Be very sure. It's tough on your own and there aren't many rewards apart fro the satisfaction of finally rediscovering yourself and being your own person again.

Jeannie59 Mon 08-Jun-20 10:14:30

I am in a similar situation.
My husband is 15 years older than me, he is 80 in September and I am 64
He isnt a bad man, very kind and loving, he doesnt have any serious illness except a memory problem border line, and moderate COPD
Like you willow, I don't love him anymore and I stay, because he is now elderly and I feel he needs me
We dont own our house, still have a big mortgage I have grown up daughters living in the US and OZ with my 4 grandchildren, so it is just us.
There is no sex anymore and hasnt been for 5 years
When I came back from oz end dec I put house up for sale, I was ready to end the marriage, as something upsetting happened whilst I was over there
Lockdown happened, house is now off the market and I am still here
We get on as friends but I feel I need more

pennykins Mon 08-Jun-20 10:14:48

After reading your 2nd report, I think I would leave or ask him to leave or have a trial separation. As you are his 3rd wife and he has children who do not want to see him, does make me wonder if he is not an easy man to get on with.
I have been married 43 years and wish I had been able to leave in the early years but could not as I had no family or money. The main reason I would have left was to change his attitude to people.
He was a very good father to the children and not so much as they have become adults as he does not know how to deal with them.
His main problem, to all of us, that he is not demonstrative and never hugs or kisses anyone, me included.
He can be very good to me when required especially when I broke my ankle recently so we just plod along as the grass is not always greener and my children would never accept it if I left and I really have no where else to go.

Dillonsgranma Mon 08-Jun-20 10:14:49

Life is too short. Dump him if you don’t live him or want to be with him. Don’t waste your life xxx

ReadyMeals Mon 08-Jun-20 10:16:04

Unless there is domestic abuse of any kind, I'd stay for now until the covid crisis is settled.

Gingergirl Mon 08-Jun-20 10:16:54

It may be that separating is the right thing for you but remember that lockdown isn’t how it’s going to be long term and loads of relationships are under huge stress during this time. It’s natural to have different interests but lots of couples do their own thing separately and then get together at other times. If you can, you might want to wait for a bit of normality and see if you still feel the same. All difficulties are magnified when we’re stuck together almost 24/7. Good luck with whatever decision you make,

TanaMa Mon 08-Jun-20 10:20:55

I lost my husband many years ago now after a really happy marriage. Have got used to living alone but it does take some getting used to. However, I think that is better than living with someone you don't love or share interests with. I find it interesting that you are his 3rd wife! What went wrong in the other two?
I had an opportunity of being in a partnership again and at first all was fine, but in the end I couldn't envisage living with someone who seemed to relish having 'medical' problems, asking me to make plans for holidays, going to the theatre, moving house, buying a holiday home etc only for him to switch off completely and say or do nothing!! Now I make my own plans and please myself!
Whatever your decision, good luck.

Applegran Mon 08-Jun-20 10:21:06

I agree with those who have said make sure this is not a lock down response - its a big decision. Also please find a counsellor, maybe via Relate - at a moment like this it is important to find someone who will help you step back and think about your choices and what is happening in your marriage. You need support to do this and many marriages are able to continue well, with the right support at critical times. In the end you may still decide to leave, but its worth getting support and counselling first.

Coconut Mon 08-Jun-20 10:24:51

I love my freedom, I travel extensively (normally) and love making my own decisions. Some can stay in a loveless relationship, fine if you both feel the same, but in life we have to be true to ourselves. My AC and their families are my main consideration and they are all so supportive of me following my dreams after never finding the elusive Mr Right.

Seajaye Mon 08-Jun-20 10:30:51

I had the same problem and decided to call time on a very long but toxic marriage after counselling ( in which he talked over me throughout the sessions) confirmed the lack of compatibility ahead during retirement. But my husband is still resisting settling our finances which will be resolved eventually but has left me in difficult position. Even though the house is yours you still need to get professional advice in case he makes a claim against matrimonial assets which include the home, and the amount he might be able to claim will depend on his financial position and needs. Late life divorces often result in reduced standard of living for both sides unless you are both independently equally financially comfortable.

I would add however that you you may find you are exchanging one form of stress and misery for another in the process, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel should you you choose to end the relationship. If you do own the house I would suggest that you do not move out ( unless you are at risk) but seek advice on how to get your husband to move into alternative accommodation. I left our jointly owned home to move to what I thought would be temporary rented accommodation but as a result my husband is doing all he can to block a sale as he is now living rent and mortgage free.

CaroleLM16 Mon 08-Jun-20 10:36:34

Go, go, go! I’m 59 and crackers about my husband but if I wasn’t I would leave. It’s not fair to either of you to live a life that doesn’t suit either of you. You only get one life so go for it. If he loves you though be prepared to feel guilty. I left my first (lovely ) husband 33 years ago (taking my kids with me) He died a few years ago in tragic circumstances having never recovered from the separation (although we all got on). I still feel guilty but I don’t regret it.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 08-Jun-20 10:41:21

I am not certain why you feel retirement will make a difference, has being alone with your husband during lockdown been difficult?

Having different interests and hobbies isn't such a big thing, if both you and he respect the other's right to do things apart.

I agree that a successful marriage does need some kind of common ground.

I think you need to discuss all this with your husband, taking the following in to consideration:

What attracted you to each other originally?
How do each of you view your marriage?
What are your and his plans for retirement?

You say you no longer love your husband, but do you like and respect him still, or not?

What changes would he and you need to make for you to want to continue your marriage?

Sit down and visualise what your life will be like if you leave.
Quite apart from the money angle, are you sure you will enjoy living alone?

Only you can decide whether to leave or stay.

jaylucy Mon 08-Jun-20 10:43:30

I often wonder if you really need to have the same interests to be in a good marriage.
I think that these days, due to the working hours , travel and in effect leading a nearly separate lives , it has become so easy to drift into a marriage or partnership that isn't seen as the traditional where the expectation seems to be that they are joined at the hip!
One of my uncles and his wife , though a bit older than you, have been married for 50 years and since my uncle retired have really lead separate lives - they have separate friends, they don't even watch the same tv programmes and in fact, actually sit in different rooms in the evenings and only meet up for meals and they are happy with that.
Have you actually sat down with your husband and asked him how he feels ?
If you really feel that you can't stay in your marriage, make sure that you get legal advice and see if you can get advice from the CAB as to any entitlements etc. Work it all out and then decide.

Penelope33 Mon 08-Jun-20 10:46:52

We have been married for 56 years. There have been many times when I have felt like walking out. Even when our three children were growing up; I stayed because I didn’t have the courage to go, although I told myself it was for the kids.

I don’t think the thing to ask is, ‘Do I love him?’. Love changes as we mature together. Ask, ‘Do I LIKE him?’ Would I choose him as a friend? My man isn’t perfect, and neither am I. But, yes, I like him. He’s been a good friend to me, and still is.

Thecatshatontgemat Mon 08-Jun-20 10:47:48

Lay your plans.
Check your finances.

One life to live, so GO!

Living alone is very very EASY.

Enjoy yourself whilst you still have your health.

Uninspiringcowkeer Mon 08-Jun-20 10:48:24

I am 71 and been married for nearly 50:years. My husband has no,hobbies and doesn’t like seeing mine around the house, I have absolutely no,idea what love is and never have had. We have 2 children and 5 grandchildren. My husband was almost completely selfish until,I becam I’ll and am now,disabled. He is my career in that he cooks most of the time. Not sure that a relationship,needs to be about love.

Newatthis Mon 08-Jun-20 10:51:04

In the words of Gladys Night - 'I would rather be with him in his world than without him in mine" if this doesn't ring true then perhaps you should find a new life.