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(112 Posts)
Willow73 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:38:09

Anyone out there who has totally different hobbies and like different things to their husbands? Lockdown has made me realise what life will be like when he retires. I don't love him anymore so feel like I should perhaps call our marriage a day and live on my own to do what I want, when I want. We have no children together and I am 59, should I stay or go?

Dibbydod Mon 08-Jun-20 23:58:58

Don’t live with someone your not happy with , that’s far worse than living on your own , and worse still , that he disrespects you by talking over you . I live on my own and it can be good, you can do things as and when you want, go wherever you want to go , the freedom I’d just great . The only way that I would settle down is with someone I love and who loves me . Don’t waste your precious life on this marriage , life is so very short .

Macgran43 Tue 09-Jun-20 00:22:48

I always supported my husband to follow his own hobbies. He is now disabled and is very frustrated and I have become his carer. I could not do this if I no longer loved him. I have some support from our adult children and grandchildren. We are together every day now in Lockdown and Life ticks along. Leave if you don’t want a life together. You won’t have to look after him nor he you.

Athenia Tue 09-Jun-20 08:09:11

Willow73 your post rings alarm bells with me. Although I know that this sounds unlikely, it was only after divorcing my husband to escape from an abusive 28 year marriage, that I realised he was actually a narcissist.
Even the little you say about your hubby resonates with this. Please do some research online and you will confirm whether he fits the very well defined, rigid pattern of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I recommend the site of Kim Saeed, who explains the dynamics of this disorder very well.
All the specialists advise you to leave any partner with this disorder, as they will never change, and your own suffering will continue unabated.
It took me seven years of counselling to eventually be in a position to leave, which I had to do to survive.
I wish you all the best.

MarieEliza Tue 09-Jun-20 09:42:55

It is difficult when spouse retires, mine has and we have realised how different we are. Different politics, different religion and different hobbies but main problem is lack of personal space after retirement. Having said that we have worked through all this and are doing ok. We now give each other space and pursue interests with friends as well as each other. Main thing is to listen properly with respect.

therapist1 Tue 09-Jun-20 10:00:52

I am so sorry you feel the way you do, maybe ask yourself a couple of things; what is telling me that I don't love him any more, can anything be changed? Are my expectations of how life will be, post parting, realistic?
Also be prepared for the grieving process you will inevitably go through if you ho ahead with the separation. Even when it's your decision to leave, there is still a loss to mourn. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

storynanny Tue 09-Jun-20 11:07:11

Willow, don’t know if my post will help you at all but, lockdown has shown me how I was right to leave my husband 16 years ago. I too have been married 3 times ( abuse, rebound for security) I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and lockdown has highlighted how lovely our life is together and made me revisit my previous marriages in my head and think how miserable I would have been.
As someone else said, life is not a dress rehearsal. If you can afford it plan ahead for after lockdown. But you don’t have to rush it, take your time to work out where you want to go etc.
Good luck and best wishes.

f77ms Tue 09-Jun-20 15:51:22

I was in your situation. I would say to absolutely not waste any more of your life if you don't love him. I am happier than I've ever been living alone, the only thing which was difficult at the beginning was learning to live on a lot less money. I'm in a much better position now having learned to budget.

Shropshirelass Thu 11-Jun-20 09:29:06

My husband is unable to enjoy his hobbies now due to ill health and seems unable to think of new ones to try, I have tried suggesting things. He was a workaholic and retired over 4 years ago due to ill health. I retired at the same time. He keeps wanting to come with me to things and I don't want him to - I want to enjoy some time on my own for my hobbies. I find it very stifling and soul destroying, so much so that I am slowly ceasing to go out! We are NOT joined at the hip, must get a grip and change my life.

Taliya Sun 14-Jun-20 14:36:30

If you don't love your husband anymore then you should leave/seperate.

Puzzled Fri 26-Jun-20 17:18:54

DW and I have totally different interests.
From time to time I help with her gardening, but she won't even enter the workshop, if it can be avoided.
We don't even like the same TV programmes!
Our driving styles differ slightly; neither likes the other's driving!
We do share a love of animals, our children and GC.
We have survived well over 50 years of marriage, in this way.
So look for the good things together.
You might finish up poorer and less happy on your own.

misty34 Fri 26-Jun-20 22:12:58

The house being in my name did not protect me on divorce. I saw 3 solicitors and all gave the same advice, I had to remortgage to give him half. It made things financially very difficult for me and my teenage daughter.