husbands

I wouldn't make any decisions during lockdown. I feel as if I don't love my husband any more. Everything he does annoys me. Everything! But I'm holding on to the fact that 'when all this is over' he won't be such a focus for me and we'll be able to go back to the usual ups and downs of our relationship, which is more good than bad.

Willow 73 , just to say I am going through the same as you at the moment and have not been communicating with my husband for 2months . In that time we have put the house up for sale and decided to call it a day . And at 67 I have never ever been so scared of what will happen in all of my life . But in all honesty if you feel your marriage is over the go for it , because life is to short and we ALL deserve Happiness .. this is just to let you no you are not the only one in this position it’s awful and I no it .... my very best regards Eunice X

I’m in the same position, I’ve known for 10 years that our relationship has gone (should never have remarried- was a widow for 12 years). Unfortunately he has no money (first suffered and family before I met him), so he’s sitting pretty here. The house is mine, even the car he drives I bought and he only pays a share in food, utilities etc. Is an academic with no practical skills, everyone loves him. I’ve tried to get him to leave many times but he’s like a limpet mine and just stays. Difficult situation as I’m not leaving everything myself and my late husband worked for.

Should have added that he used to be chatty and interested in things, not now, he has no friends, never wants to go anywhere so there is no joint social life.

At 59 you are far to young to settle with a loveless marriage.
It’s not fair on either of you.
If you really don’t love him and can afford to leave, do so

Lolly69 has said it: "I should never have remarried."
The financial implications of marriage are huge. For Willow73 this is not a helpful thing to say, I know, but my impression is that, for the gransnet generation, cohabit by all means, but keep your finances separate.

I was in your situation, Willow73, a few years ago. The house was mine and he moved in. After a few years, I realised what a huge mistake I had made (lots of reasons, but mainly his total selfishness which became more apparent after I became ill). Fortunately, we never married and I eventually got him to move out. It was like a huge weight being lifted and I have never looked back. I love living on my own now and not having to share my "space". I have good friends and a lovely family and can do exactly what I want when I want. I don't want or need another man in my life now (been there, done that). As the saying goes, "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince" and there are too many "frogs" out there for my liking.
Go for it!! You will not look back

Dear Willow no body has the right to tell you what to do so the decision has to be yours. Is it lockdown that has made you think this, do you think? My husband and I have been married for 40 years this November and we couldn't be any more opposite in thinking and hobbies, but I would never change things and neither would he. Our hobbies are mostly all different, I love knitting, hes a very accomplished artist although would tell you otherwise. I love baking he only goes into kitchen if you force him too. I dont mind housework he loathes it. He loves gadgets and I absolutely hate them, give me chalk and board any day. I retired last year and project managed complete overhaul of house and am quite happy with hammer and screwdriver in hand, he would run at the thought of helping. He still works, accountant, I was a nursing sister and took early retirement. What I am saying is for us lockdown has been a wonderful experience as we have never had the time to appreciate each other for long. For us it has reinforced our love for each other. For you it has made you scared and prioritized your thinking. If you feel that you cannot go on leave but ensure you leave without guilt. As we get older our thoughts and ideas do change and love for some is not for life. You have to be true to you and no one else to make life bearable. I have friends that lockdown has proved too much for them as a couple. You must talk with your husband, but you must never blame yourself for change. Live life to the full and enjoy every moment. Good luck. Xxxxx

Willow73
Have you discussed your feelings with H that from your side of the fence you observe a marriage that has passed its sell by date.?
Going it alone can be difficult mainly financial so before you make any decisions talk to H.










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u make any decisions, which you could regret. talk to H.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow73. I felt like you some time ago and wrote a long post on here about how I was feeling and the consensus was for me to get him to go. Fast forward a couple of years and things have changed. He has a hobby which I hate and we have different tastes in some things. A year ago I had an operation and he helped but after that I was diagnosed with something much worse and he has been there for me. Of course I can be critical but knowing he was there was such a relief as I would not have managed on my own. During lockdown he was furloughed and much as I like my own space we actually got on well and had chance to talk. I told him of my fears and as I was always someone who coped and got on with things he realised that my illness had had a real impact on me. There are days when he drives me nuts but now I tell him how I feel. I got him to sign a disclaimer against my property and agreed a monetary amount for him should anything happen to me. He has become a father figure to my two boys and will do anything to help them with their new homes. So I have had the long talks with friends, endless thinking about what to do and have come to the conclusion that life is ok and I am happy. When I am fully recovered and Covid is done and dusted I know we will get back to him being away most weekends and me doing my own thing but for the time being Im sticking as I am.

In your position I think I would try talking and make sure he listens. It may be that you could discuss your house by saying you preparing for 'if anything should happen to me' scenario. When your mind is made up, firstly make your plans, get advice and know what you are doing, try to be amicable and then move on. Things will be strange to start with but Im sure you will be happy and look back on this and learn from it. My friend always says 'Everything for a reason' and I do believe in this. Good luck with whatever you decide. Keep strong

I would definitely go. Life is too short to spend your life with someone you don’t want to be with. It will be the beginning of the rest of your life and you’re still young enough to have a great time. Good luck

I fell out of love with my husband and we retired early at that time. We did have plans to travel the world together. Then it all came crashing down. I got diagnosed with a debilitating illness and nearly died. My husband has cared for me for three years. He's been a tower of strength and its rebuilt our relationship. I told him he didn't have to care for me. We could separate so he could have a life. But he loves me and is not going anywhere. I did have my.moments during lockdown where I gave him.several ear fulls. There will always be times when I want to be alone. I wouldn't tell.him you don't love him yet. Sit him down and say this is serious we need to look about how we go forward or whether we do. If he won't listen just walk out and go stay somewhere for a week or so and see if he misses you. If he doesn't then you've got your answer. He needs to know this is serious. Do get some good legal advice if you want to separate. I.think.too that after we go.through.menopause we lose intimacy which men.need in order to.feel.connected. But also think.what it was you loved about him. Maybe you can.get that back.

Long before I split from my ex H I remember a time when both our children went away for a few days. They were still relatively young and we had a taste of being 'just the two of us' again. I found it a little worrying. We had little to talk about and I realised that a future when the children grew up and left might not be so wonderful. However I stuck with it, and it was mostly OK.

Then we moved to a new area, forced by redundancy, and things were difficult. He started an affair after meeting someone online. I found out 6 months later and we decided to separate, though for a while he continued to live with us - in the spare room. I didn't kick him out because after 19 years of marriage I was too scared of coping alone, especially with 2 warring teenagers to deal with.

Eventually she moved nearer and he moved in with her, but we didn't divorce for quite a long time. When we did I negotiated terms that suited me as by then he'd been made redundant again and was moving abroad for his next job. He prevented me getting a divorce when I first wanted it as I think he thought he'd get a better deal when the children left home for university. In the end I did well financially, but only because circumstances allowed me to get a good deal because of his move overseas.

I regret not kicking him out straight away, but in the end it worked out for me. I was wrong to worry about being on my own - it suits me very well actually - but it may not suit everyone. It can be lonely at times but I have plenty friends and good family, though they all live a longway away. It is harder in these lockdown times as I miss actual human contact, but I'm not having to tolerate another human being here that I'd rather not be with.

I had a very good solicitor, recommended by friends. His solicitors were probably recommended by his mother as they were in his home town, though he was living abroad. I suspect that cost him dearly! Do your research.

If you can suggest a plan for settling things financially try to do so. I saw an opportunity and grabbed it but I wouldn't have been able to do that if he'd been staying local.

Also try not to make a life-changing decision during lockdown. We are all under stress at the moment and things may look different at some point in the future. My daughter, who has a big opportunity in front of her at the moment, says she doesn't want to make a decision 'with corona goggles on.' But if you continue to feel the same, go for it. Life's too short to live with regrets.

Life is very short, it’s not a dress rehearsal and any number of other clichés. You know in your heart what you want to do. Do it.

59, no shared interests or likes, no children, no love- It’s a no brainer.

Tricky. My husband and I had different interests, went on separate holidays etc. We did have children/grandchildren. I felt that we were good for each other, he was spontaneous, I am a planner. Love came and went. However he got ill and I was pleased that I could care for him. when he died five years ago I was very well prepared for a life alone as I had already established my own friends activities etc. So I feel that both situations, marriage and widowhood have been a balance in my life, each with advantages and disadvantages and I dont regret staying together.

Don't stay with someone you don't love. You've got many years ahead of you and as you get older it will be more difficult to leave. Make sure your money will be enough, otherwise save for a bit, then leave.

do you not want children. If not, fine, If you do then find someone compatible that you can have children with.

Sorry - silly me I thought you were 39 not 59. Ignore the children thing.

Leave him. I am the carer for my husband of 53 years since he had 3 strokes 4 and a half years ago. He has anxiety and depression also vascular dementia. He was an alcoholic and stopped drinking 20 years ago. I hate being his carer and these last few months have just about finished me off. Everything he does and says annoys me and I am very impatient with him. He doesn’t really deserve me treating him as I do sometimes but I can’t seem to stop.

Hopefully you have many years ahead of you to enjoy. You sound unhappy and you have probably already decided to make the break. I was in a similar situation to you 20 years ago when I was 50. I have never regretted my decision to divorce . The first few years were difficult but I soon built up a network of good friends and I enjoy having the time to devote to my own interests. I still appreciate quiet Saturdays without rugby or football blaring through the house! Be brave and good luck!

This is my third year of being divorced (well, I refer to myself as 'single' if anyone asks) and I'm a lot happier than I was in the latter years of my 28-year marriage. My ex husband was the one to leave (he had met yet another woman, whom he married shortly after decree absolute had been granted - she's his third wife). There is nothing about him that I miss and I'm glad I filed for divorce. A word of caution - you say the house belongs to you. As FlexibleFriend comments, the courts will start at a 50-50 split of assets. So be sure to look after yourself. I knew my ex would 'persuade' his new woman to sell the house that she owned outright once he'd married her and to move to a new home (and area) together. Turns out I was right. I was able to negotiate a very good deal for myself and bought my new home outright for cash. 100% mine. His new wife has gone from owning her home to owning 50% of their new one. Some men just want the money. Like 1404kiwi, I'm enjoying a much calmer life. I have an occupational pension and do very occasional freelance work although I don't really need to - just helps to keep my brain going! I celebrated my 62nd birthday last week and had a great day outdoors in the company of a few friends (keeping the required social distance). I wish you all the best.

Has anyone heard of 'Growing old Disgracefully'? Cannot find group locally. Mid Wales. Do not 'do' Facebook.

Willow...do it now..... I was about to part from my husband when he was 50 and me 46, after 25 years of marriage... we just realised after kids went that we had nothing in common , no like minded interest, he never reads a book...I’m an avid reader, he watches tv every spare hour he got. Refused to exercise or walk anywhere. Upshot was....I put a deposit on rented flat, and told him luges toi shirt and I was going.... three weeks later he had a stroke! I thought I can’t leave now I must stay and see him on to his feet again. He refused to ‘get in his feet again’ he has sat in an armchair and watched tv 15 hours a day while I had to go work full time.... he refused any other employment ( lost his original job)... so since he’s been 50 I’ve been working full time( until four years ago)...doing all housework.... cooking ...washing....shopping.... he’s been ‘at deaths door’ for 24 (count them) years. And I’m stuck, with a man I do t live ...dont even like!!! I’m stuck...GO NOW!!

Did you not know before you married him that you would be his third wife? Did you not ask him why his first marriages had failed? The answers might have set up danger signs for you.

You now find you no longer love him because of his many faults. These do not appear overnight. Was there no indication before you were married that you were effectively incompatible? Having different interests is not always a bad thing.

Nobody can really know what goes on inside a marriage except the two people involved. I cannot but sympathise with the distress you are feeling, but it would have been interesting and enlightening if we could have heard the husband's side of the story.