husbands

Hi Willow, lock down has been soul crushing on many levels here in the US. I am the fourth wife and my husband has multiple health issues, in addition to being older. I have been with him since 2004. He was the love of my life, but unfortunately, sometimes love isn't enough to make a healthy marriage. In addition to Covid, and all the civil unrest here at the moment, we also have had some gang related shootings in the neighborhood nearby. I hate to sound like a coward, but I woke up last night at 2:30 a.m. from a horrific nightmare involving lions preying on people, and was just happy to hear him snoring from the other room. I am so confused about what life is right now, half the time I can't stand living with him and dream of living alone free to do what I wish when I wish, but then the other half I remember that I loved him once with all my heart and don't know what my life would be without him. It has been a bittersweet relationship, but I do think I would be somewhat afraid and lonely to be alone at this point in my life and am not up to the challenge of meeting new people. At least I know he is a good person at heart, which is more than I can say for most men these days.
Good luck!

I spent thirty-eight years with a husband with whom I had absolutely nothing in common. In fact, there were many times that I positively disliked him for the life he denied us. I took early retirement with great trepidation when I saw changes in his health, he was twenty years older than me.
The next ten years until his death were the best of our marriage. Our family was living their life. Every day he and I did something different together even if only going out for coffee. We spent time in Europe and travelling on day trips throughout England and regular day trips to France for lunch. I am very much a home bird, but I look back on those last few years with much pleasure. I have been alone now for eighteen years and love ever day doing what I want when I want. But in truth, a life without this man would have been much poorer.

It's the wrong time to be making this decision,but you do need to talk to each other about it.I'm a widow,and I'm very unhappy,but it's the lockdown,it's getting to us all,life will be easier when we can get back to some normality

@annecordelia, I can relate! This is our second marriage and we usually get along fine, but the stresses and strains of Lockdown, and then him going back to work in our family business after a month, are chipping away at us. He annoys me every day, I have even told him if I had somewhere else to go, I would leave! I feel guilty, as he is the one who is putting himself at risk for our livelihood (I am on Furlough). I don't feel like that all the time, but he makes me feel unsafe and anxious, as I don't think he is being as hygienic as he could be when he returns from work. When I ask if he has washed his hands I am "nagging". I feel guilty, as I want to support him, but I am fearful every day of how much worse things could get for us and our immediate family - he works with his DSiL, and DH's grown up DD is on Furlough and in the "vulnerable" category. If DSiL passes Covid on to her, she could die (and leave her kids). I worry about this every.single.day. but all I get from DH is "I'm a great believer in odds..." Am I being over-anxious? I am sick of scrubbing and cleaning so much more than usual as well. When is it going to end? I just hope soon, and that our relationship will survive!

If you are financially able to go on your own,then do so now!

So sorry Willow, I was diagnosed with an incurable disease 2 years before I married and asked him if he wanted to go ahead as it looked ominous and he went mad, shouting how dare I question his loyalty, 5 years later, he began to show his true colours.
He was so insular, thinking that if I didn't agree with him, I wasn't listening to him, how arrogant and disrespectful of you having your own opinions about thing.
He left in 2018, I didn't love him anymore and I don't think he did me, suffice it to say, I have a few cats, which are far better company and a giant teddy to make up his space on the bed.
Financially it can be a nightmare, so please do consider your steps, once you go down that route, the persona completely disappears and they'll take more than a pound of flesh.
I wish you well, I have peace now and he never realised just how frail I was and said he was sick of me being sick, what a thing to say, not the persona I married.
Glad he's gone.

Do it if you can. I divorced in my sixtieth year, relying on my state pension ( at 60 then) and teacher's pension though that is less than the full pension as I had not put in the 40 years required - few women have. My ex husband declared he had no money, so we had to split the value of the house 50/50. There was nothing else. When he died years after marrying for the fourth time at the age of 84, he left nothing to our two sons and his final wife left with anything he had acquired. Living on your own is much to be preferred to a loveless marriage on both sides.

My ex husband and I ended up sitting in different rooms every night as we didn't like the same things and I felt as if I was on my own most of the time. He argued about everything I did or didn't do, he poked fun what I wore, ate, everything! I felt so unloved so decided to leave. I went to live with my mum and got sorted. I am now 10 years on my own( lost my mum 8 yrs) and very happy. It was scary at the start, but I can do everything for myself in my home, paperwork, the lot. I have no inclination to find anyone else. Do what makes you happy, you are only here once and don't stay for the sake of it. Have no regrets, I haven't.

It's not fair on him for you to stay if you don't love him any more. I've just come to the same decision. Different interests, no conversation, no laughs, no fun. What is the point? Both of you can go and live your own lives, and move on.

Hi there. Tricky situation. You say you don't love him anymore, big red flag. The lock down could possibly kill anyone's relationship that is for sure. So, I would just create a bit of space from him. Go out see your girlfriends, walk in nature if you can and clear your head. Also, check your financial situation which is very important as well. Sit back, take a big breath, talk to a trusted friend and consider your options. Good luck, not easy. You are young enough as we all are these day to have a look out there what is available on the internet, some I think would give it a miss but is a choice, good luck honey. b

If you’re asking the question on this forum then quite possibly you’re not ready yet. You’ll know when the time is right and then go for it. Don’t dither about
Life is far too short to be unhappy. Take care

Willow73, I am on my second marriage. It will be 7 years this December. Soon after we married, we discovered we absolutely could not live together. However, rather than divorce, we live separately. He has his own house, and I have my own condo. We see each other on weekends, and get along perfectly. It is the best of both worlds. I have my peace, yet he is there for me when I need him, and vice versa. It eliminates the cost of divorce, the total feeling of being alone and on my own, and if he should pass before me, I know there will be some financial security left for me,as I would get half his pension and other marital assets. I dont know your situation, but for me so far its a win-win. Another option to consider. Best of luck to you.

Willow73, I have sent a PM.

Willow
If you are miserable living with him I would separate.
My oh and I are completely chalk and cheese, we have no common interests at, but, we are happy with each other and enjoy each other’s company. And we still laugh together.
Can you say That?

I have private messaged you

You have to think of finances too. If it is your house you might end up having to pay him to get him out. That happened to friend of mine. Live separate lives as that way it will not affect your bank balance. It's hard to struggle when you are older.

Men don't change. Get rid.

I wonder how many couples are planning to split up when life returns to normal? Being cooped up together really does show up the cracks in any relationship. No matter how much you like someone, you don't want to be with them all the time.

Thank you to you all for your comments and advice. It is not a good time now with all going on for me to make a decision.
I am taking each day as it comes. He is a control freak, his job is project management and I think thats what he tries to do at home with me. Maybe I am too as I like to do everything in the house myself and have brought up 3 children alot of the time on my own. I met him when I needed comfort and he was a comfort to me, kind to the children, was funny and looked after us. I'm rattling on as confused, I'm not an outgoing person and can get scared easily.

I did it - waited until our children had left school and then left: 20+ years ago. By then I was the breadwinner and our slightly unusual circumstances meant I could leave him with the house for the children to return to and rent a place on my own. It’s worked out OK for me - in the end: but it wasn’t an easy ride, and although they were so-called grown up and the separation was mostly amicable, I think it was also hard for the children. I would say really only do it if you can see no alternative, and be prepared for pain as well as joy. The best thing for me? The confidence boost I got from discovering I could go it alone

Make sure you have the money to leave him. Tell him you want to leave and why. He probably feels the same. But be sure you have the details worked out and all your ducks in a row before you make a move. Also, be sure he can't mess around and become vindictive.

I left my relationship of 30 years in October 2018, so I have had some time of living on my own now and I very much prefer it. I am 63 and I wish I had left 10 ears earlier.

Can you have a friendship where you live together, but "divorce" from being a wife? Can you live together but see other people with ground rules?

Take your time. I don't think this is something to rush into. See how things are when life gets back to something like normality. I'm the meantime talk to someone you trust. Just sharing the worry and confusion will help.

I think you are right to contemplate what life will be like together when you retire. When we were both working I was able to pursue my own interests and work sent me on courses too so my husband and I got a break from each other, plus there were the children. The fact that he had no interests outside work wasn't a problem. He has never really had any friends living nearby although he would socialise at the pub and he likes a bet on the horses. Now we are both retired and he has found nothing to take the place of work (which he hated incidentally) and I feel unable to pursue my interests or take up new ones because he has none. Literally none and I have to nag him to make an effort to come out with me to anywhere other than the supermarket. If I had my way I'd be off somewhere every other week but all I get is its too far, why do I want to go there. I think he is actually quite enjoying the covid lockdown as its an excuse to stay home. So if you have no children and you value your freedom I would say, go.