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Oh dear I'm feeling pretty surplus to requirements and all over a cake. My eldest GD (my daughter's daughter) turns 18 in a few weeks and subject to CV19 rules on gatherings her family are planning a garden party/bbq.
I've been very involved throughout her growing up from child minding her for 2 days a week from the age of 3 months through to doing the school run a few days a week, taking her on holiday and generally helping daughter with her and her younger sister whenever needed. SIL is away fairly often on business and D works so I've always filled the gap in childcare.
One of my hobbies is cake making and decorating and it's been a privilege to have made a cake for her christening and all of her birthdays. Any kind of design she's wanted I've done, ballerina on a stage, fairy castle, Hannah Montana guitar, watermelon (yes that was a thing a few years ago) pair of tap shoes, replica of her favourite leotard etc. Ive always done these at my own expense too. So yesterday when I was chatting on the phone to D I happened to say about GD and no doubt she will want the usual birthday cake only to be told that GDs friend is making it. Then D said it was because they didn't know what were were doing. We are currently away in our motorhome and have been for 4 weeks and I'd sent a text last Friday confirming we'd be home this coming friday. That's a good 3 weeks before the party so they did know what we were doing!
I mumbled something about of course we would be coming back in time as how could we miss such a milestone birthday and I'd already said when we left we'd be away about a month or so.
I really am quite upset that I won't be making her 18th birthday cake. It's not like it's just any old birthday its a significant one. I suppose that sounds pathetic but if GD or D had just phoned or texted to say the friend had offered and would I mind then yes it would still be a bit disappointing but at least they'd have considered how I might feel and been good mannered enough to ask or whatever. I'm also upset, given how involved I am helping out whenever they need me to, that they could even think we would miss her 18th!
D is quite a prickly person at times and while she seems to have endless patience for her service users (she works in the mental health sector) she often gets huffy with me or loses patience if I complain about anything. I know if I tell her I'm upset that I won't be making the cake I will get the eye roll and it will be turned back on me as my fault for going away, for being childish and made to feel bad. Husband says stop caring so much and doing things for them but I'm not made that way. I should just swallow it down and move on but I can't get the feeling of being surplus now out of my head. GD has asked my husband to help teach her to drive and when he phones my D she always answers yet I can ring a couple of times and she will not pick up or phone back if she's busy but she's soon on the phone if she needs help with something.
I know as children get older their friends are more important than their parents or grandparents but I still feel like I've had a slap in the face. Sorry just needed to vent
I wouldn't bother let them get on with it and if your D wants anymore favours just day no that will be a shock to her system!! If she can answer texts and calls straight away from your husband then just let her get on with it and don't make another cake it makes you look needy. And finally I get where your coming from been needed and now not just enjoy your husband and Motorhome
Definitely no second cake!!
Different circumstances bjt one uear my mil turned up at ds's family birthday tea with a birthday cake! No prior history of her providing cakes for him, no discussion and of course we already had one. We "did" ours first as it already had the candles on it (and no spares) and then hastily transferred them and came back with hers!!
It’s not about the cake is it? It’s about being a significant person in your GDs life. Nothing will replace that.
sweetcakes
I wouldn't bother let them get on with it and if your D wants anymore favours just day no that will be a shock to her system!! If she can answer texts and calls straight away from your husband then just let her get on with it and don't make another cake it makes you look needy. And finally I get where your coming from been needed and now not just enjoy your husband and Motorhome
That’s a little spiteful over a cake isn’t it?
It’s the GDs party, it should be about her!
I always make a birthday cake for my now adult children. This year, girlfriend of one turned up with cake that was so amazing, it would be a bake-off contender. I was momentarily put out. Then quickly realised how lovely it is that she cares for him so much to go to so much effort. And also that I didn’t have to bake a cake!
Summer love nope I don't think it was spiteful at all just being honest! We run around after these children of ours spending our retirement looking after there kids and that's the thanks you get for it!! Do you have any grandchildren?
Par for the course I’m afraid, todays youngsters live in the moment and won’t have given it a second thought . I can see why your upset I would be too,
I wouldn’t make another cake, my mum used to do this, and it came over as controlling when she knew I had already made of bought one and was always wasted.
Don’t worry they’ll be back when they need something else, but you may just be washing your hair .?
Gosh 17 years exclusive 'rights'. How lucky you have been.
I'm quite looking forward to when I'm not needed any more.
It’s quite possible that your GD mentioned it was her birthday soon and her friend (possibly new to cake making during lockdown?) offered to make one for her and she accepted not realising how important it was to you.
Worse things happen at sea - or so my Mum used to tell me!
Armoria, it seems to me that you just want to vent and are not really looking for advice. So I'm going to validate your feelings and say that both your Daughter and Granddaughter behaved in a thoughtless way, and I don't blame you for being hurt. When people who we have done so much for on an ongoing basis through the years are so careless with our feelings, it really hurts and smacks of entitlement on their part.
So while I agree that it's in your best interests to hide your pain and move forward being aware that this type of thing might happen more often in the future, I want you to know that I totally empathize with you.
sweetcakes
*Summer love* nope I don't think it was spiteful at all just being honest! We run around after these children of ours spending our retirement looking after there kids and that's the thanks you get for it!! Do you have any grandchildren?
I do think it’s spiteful over a cake.
Surely the things we do for family are done for love?
I don’t expect my family to keep things the same because of choices I’ve made.
Children grow up, change and move past us. That’s a normal cycle in my world.
So yes, to me, to ignore my daughter because my grand daughter is having a friend make her cake is petty and childish.
But, I also don’t help out loved ones, to then hold it over their heads.
Oh dear Armoria - I can very well appreciate how you feel. I would be very upset too, but i’d try not to show it to DD and GD as it could make matters worse and cause a big upset between the 3 of you and make you seem “needy”. Sorry to use this word “needy”, but I have experienced a similar thing and that’s the reaction I got! You don’t want that upset around the time of a big birthday or indeed at any time. I would attempt to go with the flow, but I realise it will be hard. I certainly wouldn’t make another cake - that might be seen as competitive and won’t show you in a good light. The idea one of the posters on GN came up with to take your GD out for afternoon tea sounds like a good one. A nice relaxed afternoon together may help you to feel better. You don’t have to mention the cake situation at all. Just enjoy the time together, the two of you. I do emphasise with you, but things change as GC get older and they start to show their independence, but please try not to dwell too much on this. Enjoy the birthday - and admire the cake.
sweetcakes
*Summer love* nope I don't think it was spiteful at all just being honest! We run around after these children of ours spending our retirement looking after there kids and that's the thanks you get for it!! Do you have any grandchildren?
Are you for real? OP was told 3 weeks in advance that someone was making the cake. It's not like she put through all this extra effort and showed up with a cake that wasn't needed or wanted......GD is doing what is normal. Things change people grow up and move along and want different experiences. It doesn't mean they love their mom or Nan any less it's just what people do.
I think a previous poster might have hit the nail in the head when she said that the friend might not be able to afford a gift. If that’s the case, and she’s offered to make the cake as a gift, I think that’s a lovely thought. I wouldn’t get too upset about it.
There are so many things that we could be upset about as we reach "the wrong side of freshness" (as my friend puts it).
Maybe to some extent we can choose not to be upset - to find a positive spin to put on it. It might be the only way through this last phase of our lives, unless we want to repeatedly upset.
I try and think myself back to the age that my AC and GC are and ask myself if my behaviour was similar - and whether I ever meant to hurt anyone - yes to the first and no to the second. I am sure that this is the case here OP.
Children grow up and (Sometimes literally I did ) move away. Coming to terms with one GC making their own life at Uni, and the other one doing the same before going to Uni.
Our children grew up and made their lives, as we all did.
So another of the facts of life, but not as enjoyable as some of the others.
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