Parents/Grandparents Held Hostage

I haven’t seen my DGC in person since October. FaceTime is great, but not the same as feeling the hugs, the excitement, the love. I’d love to be held hostage by an abundance of babysitting duties

Thanks Illte!

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Held hostage?

We're adults. We're responsible for our own decisions and our own lives.I'm not fond of the victim attitude.

Repeat after me:

"I'm sorry. I can't manage that""

"Held hostage" implies an adult has 0 choice in the matter and are forced to comply.

I looked after my GD until she started school. Next week I will start looking after her brother 2 days a week. It is not expected of me as my DS does not take anything for granted. I volunteered to look after GD and we left our lovely cottage in Somerset to move back near our DS to do it. To me it was an honour. I worked nights when my children were small and never enjoyed them as much as I should. I am very close to my GD having been through all the good and bad times looking after her. Yes I have a busy life in my retirement. I have gained a degree through the OU and am present am TRYING to learn two languages. I have a good circle of friends plus I am arty so always have some project on the go. Two days a week out of my life is worth every minute because. when I am gone I want them to have fond memories of me. I appreciate that you don't have to look after your GC for them to have fond memories but it makes me happy and each to their own.

If you can have a good balance with the rest of your life then that is fine but you do need to realise that this stage of caring for small GC will end and it shouldn't really be your whole life, or at some point you are going to feel rather lost. Teenage GC can be great fun and it is interesting to hear all that is going on but our place in the pecking order is different now.

Held hostage implies an adult has 0 choice in the matter and are forced to comply". If a GP realistically fears that if they don't comply, they wont be able to see their GC anymore, then they *are being forced.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smileless

No, grandparents are not being forced.

The grandparents choose their actions based on the most desirable outcome.

When my husband had to take retirement at 57 because of poor health we decided to let the bungalow and tour Europe by caravan full time. People would come on to site for a couple of weeks and say they would like to do likewise but “what about the grandchildren”. My reply. They have their parents.

I live 200 miles away from my grandchildren, so the problem doesn’t arise. I’d like to see a bit more of them than I do, but I was always certain that I don’t want to do childcare except in an emergency. I was very happy to do it once, with my own children, but I don’t see any reason to do it twice.

I wouldn’t have expected my parents to do it, either. It’s the parents’ job, not the grandparents’. I think some parents have forgotten that.

Firstly I appreciate we are very lucky to have our children and grandkids living close by however I do feel a bit trapped at times. We have 3 grandkids from 2 households and potentially we can do 2 mornings and 4 after schools per week plus school holidays. We’ve also a new little one due near Xmas, which will mean full days again. We love them all to bits and feel we have to be fair to our son as well as our daughter. My son and his partner only use us if necessary however my daughter does tend to be more demanding and I do feel we have to ask permission to go on the occasional holiday. We first became involved to help out because of the cost of childcare but it goes on for years and years and so many days are unavailable to plan anything for ourselves. I think it’s only been lockdown that has made us realise how much more time we’ve had to please ourselves when there’s been nowhere we can go. Youngest son and his partner do not have any children but are talking about it in the future so the childcare will continue til we drop I think! Hey ho!

I am friendly with two sets of grandparents who have been worn out by the demands of their adult children to do childcare.
One set has grandchildren in the US and go over at least twice a year to look after the children in the holidays, then in term time they are in demand by the family who live close by. They are worn out and not getting any younger.
The other is a widow who used to fly abroad to do childcare several times a year. He daughter has now moved back here and bought her mum a house virtually next door, presumably so granny is on hand to babysit, though the daughter says it is to support her mum in her old age. She is a very fit 73 year old at the moment.
Both lots know they are put upon, but they have agreed, or at least gone along with it. I am thinking maybe the pandemic has given them a welcome break and a chance to rethink their commitments.

Apart from the occasional trip away or time with friends all I want in my retirement is to spend time with the AC and GC. I’ve no interest in crafts, clubs or hobbies. When my DH retires this won’t change and he’s already aware of this.

There's nothing desirable IMO about being forced into compliance or losing the relationship you have with your GC. I'm grateful it was never a choice I had to make.

Don't worry too much Jillybird . We only have one grandchild. We have always been a big part of her life. I worried when she went to uni that we wouldn't see her. She's 20 now and comes to see us whenever she can, sometimes bringing her lovely boyfriend

That should have been

Not in that situation with GC fortunately. I do have then occasionally during school holidays and enjoy that special time. What I can never figure out is why people have children then expect GP to be at their beck and call looking after them. Some people do enjoy taking on the role and that is fine, it's when there is an assumption the GPs will just want to do it. I would have liked more children but knew I couldn't afford them eg childcare, housing even a bigger car. Now it seems the monetary side of having children seems low in consideration and its all about personal fulfilment.

I look after grandchild once a week but my daughter thought it was our right and I felt bullied into it .Also I still work over 70 but as a nanny so she uses that against me Even difficult to take I’ll son for a hospital appointment she moaned

Smileless2012

*Held hostage implies an adult has 0 choice in the matter and are forced to comply". If a GP realistically fears that if they don't comply, they wont be able to see their GC anymore, then they are being forced.

No
They are making a choice

The problem is that both choices are bad.

But their is a choice

*there

My eldest GD was born when I was 52, with lots of energy and the novelty of having a baby in the family. I looked after her a lot and loved it. I also looked after twin GS’s four years later(not on a regular basis) but helped out my DD a lot. Over the years I have had another 5 GC and I don’t have them very often but I still do love to see them if and when . I’m now 70 and although still fit and healthy, I have them when it suits me and no more. I’m not as energetic as I was and I think I’ve done my bit.

IMO it isn't a choice.

My friends DS says if the GP can’t look after them, the wife won’t be able to work and they won’t be able to pay their mortgage. My friend is 78 and her DH is 86. Blackmail!

Certainly comes across as blackmail Gingster I suppose some will say that they have a choice though.

See your son go into debt and risk losing his and your GC's home or at the ages of 78 and 86 pick up the mantle of child care.

To have to choose between having the grandchildren more than you can manage or want and not seeing them at all would be awful.

That whole bad relationship would have to be looked at really.

I'm not very good at saying no and probably not that good at expressing it if saying yes causes me issues. I'm sure others face that with their children and who is really to blame there? I think it would be me lol

If an AC is putting undue pressure on their parent(s) and using their P's access to their GC to get their own way, there's no question IMO that it is the AC who is to blame.