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(90 Posts)
wiggys52 Fri 02-Oct-20 00:14:08

Hi all, I'm wondering if AIBU. Due to Covid we haven't seen one daughter and grandchild since end of February this year. Hopefully by Christmas this will change and we have suggested that she and grandchild drive to us(3 hours) and then we all drive to another daughter (who is 11 hours drive away). Mini family reunion due to son working and possibly other daughter also working. She has responded that it is other grandparents turn for Christmas (true) but they also live extremely close, care for grandchild one day per week and see each other at other times and have done so for the last 7 months. Daughter has had a rough year, separated from husband, but still on extremely good terms with inlaws who are very supportive of her. We haven't 'bad mouthed' her husband and have tried to be supportive of her from a distance, i.e offering financial support should it be necessary. She is very independent. Am I being unreasonable? or just jealous? Do I just need to pull up my big girls knickers and carry on? Thanks for the insight and letting me vent.

Doodledog Fri 02-Oct-20 00:54:22

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but maybe you are a bit jealous smile. I am saying this with sympathy, as my son and his family are spending Christmas with his in-laws, and he sees far more of them then they do of us (for reasons of distance).

Part of me completely understands. They don't want to be driving (if they are able to do so because of lockdown) for hours at Christmas, and DIL wants to see her parents. Another part of me wants to sulk, and point out that the in-laws live a ten minute drive away, and they see them more than once a week. Coming to us for Christmas would be a lovely compromise, and it's my birthday on Boxing Day, so I'm likely to miss seeing them then, too.

I am forcing myself to bat away the sulky voice and listen to the more reasonable one. In any case, things might mean that visiting is impossible this year, so no point in worrying about it now.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas, and that you can see your daughters soon afterwards. You will gather brownie points if you are understanding about it - it can be quite tiring for children to be travelling about over Christmas, and little ones just want to be at home when Santa has been.

Hithere Fri 02-Oct-20 03:12:19

I have some questions

1. Why add 3 hours each way to trip? 11 hours is already a lot, no need to add 3 more.

2. The location of the family reunion does not seem very convenient

3. She says this is the IL's turn - you just need to pull up my big girls knickers and carry on
Comparing the time your ILs see your dd and her child vs yours wont get you anywhere- jealousy

4. You say your dd had a bad year - do you think this suggestion is going to make her life harder or easier, independently of your wishes to see them and the picture perfect Christmas family reunion?

5. Planning what is going to happen in 2 months is futile - flu season and pandemic will need very drastic measures to see improvements.
Most probably this trip may not happen anyway the way things look like right now.

wiggys52 Fri 02-Oct-20 03:48:09

Doodledog, thanks for the response. It's also my birthday on Christmas Day. Yes, I am normally the voice of reason and tell myself it's only fair as daughter and co., came to us last Christmas etc, but I just can't help feeling they could be a bit flexible. Hithere, regarding the travelling one daughter lives three hours north of us and the other is 11 hours south, hence the thought she comes to us, stays o/night and then we leave early am the next day for the big drive. Yes I know it's jealousy and that's not nice. Sometimes I just get fed up of being the voice of reason, being stoic, being the one that says' that's fine we'll do what you want' Just once I'd love to stamp my feet and have a tantrum!! I think today is just a bit of a bad day, but it has been good to vent. so thank you for listening.

Hithere Fri 02-Oct-20 04:00:27

It is frustrating times we live in.

I am all for flexibility and compromise, so it is a win win for everybody.

I hope you will see them soon.

Lucca Fri 02-Oct-20 05:26:29

I feel,so sorry for these couples who have to do a strict rota of parents one year in laws the next. Such a song and dance about some presents and a big meal.

agnurse Fri 02-Oct-20 05:39:59


We either visit my parents or stay home for Christmas. We've never seen Hubby's parents over Christmas because they live in the UK and we are in Canada. The expense of travelling at the holidays makes visiting for Christmas a difficult proposition.

When I was growing up, we usually saw Mum's parents for Christmas (2 hour drive), and Dad's parents (6 hour drive and the weather is poor in winter) for Easter.

BlueBelle Fri 02-Oct-20 05:56:33

I can’t believe all the angst that people go through for two days
What about us grans with families overseas I ve only had two Christmas s in 24 years with my son/ wife and family in NZ and probably the same with my daughter in Europe and I m still alive and kicking and still love them all just the same

3. She says this is the IL's turn - you just need to pull up my big girls knickers and carry on.....I hope you’ve got fresh knickers on Hithere if you’re lending them out

Curlywhirly Fri 02-Oct-20 07:44:52

But you did day it was the IL's turn, so I don't see why you feel put out - it isn't your turn. Christmas 'get togethers' could be banned any way, so it isn't worth worrying about yet. If the rule of 6 still stands, I have already said that I don't mind if my son and GC visit the IL's rather than us (we normally all get together either at the IL"s or our house). It's not worth getting upset about. Couldn't you visit your GC for New Year?

Galaxy Fri 02-Oct-20 07:53:20

Is your grandchild young? The last thing I would have wanted when my children were young was a three hour drive at Christmas, sorry but that just sounds awful to me. I wouldn't do that whosever turn it was, sorry.

janeainsworth Fri 02-Oct-20 08:17:47

Subjecting anyone to a 3-hour car journey one day and an 11-hour car journey the next, presumably followed by the same thing in reverse a few days later, in the depths of winter, seems completely unreasonable to me.
I too don’t understand why such a fuss is made about Christmas. We have all had to make sacrifices this year and to use a not very pleasant expression, we just have to suck it up, don’t we.

harrigran Fri 02-Oct-20 08:31:13

I agree janeainsworth, such a long journey in the depths of winter.
Everyone is in the same boat, my family are abroad, haven't seen my sister since last October and DD since Christmas. I have lost two close family members and was unable to attend the funerals.
We usually host Christmas and normally would be all booked up by now but I am making no plans this year.

sodapop Fri 02-Oct-20 08:35:44

I'm with BlueBelle on this one, its just a couple of days and who knows what will happen between now and December. I can understand your being disappointed wiggy as its your birthday as well. It's also a lot of travelling for everyone.
I rarely see my family at Christmas and like you have the odd twinge of disappointment when they tell me what they are up to, but I'm glad they are happy and enjoying themselves.
Treat yourself to some nice new big girl pants and plan another time to meet up with your family.

BlueBelle Fri 02-Oct-20 08:56:45

Let young families sort themselves out, enjoy your own Christmas with your husband (presuming you have one) and let your children do their own thing with their families
You ve had your time let them start their own traditions without charging all over the country for 14 hours

Anyway it’s not your turn it’s the in laws turn

midgey Fri 02-Oct-20 09:09:58

Wiggys I’m afraid I think you need to get the knickers aired and ready! Hopefully next year is going to be soo much better. Chin up!flowers

Cabbie21 Fri 02-Oct-20 09:14:37

Personally I think this is a crazy idea, for all the reasons listed so far.
If I have this right, your daughter lives a three hour drive away, so why haven’t you met up since February? Especially as she has had such a bad year. Could you consider doing so at half term, if her child is of school age? Meet half way, or you go and stay in a hotel near to her? Why wait till Christmas when the weather may be worse, daylight hours are short, so much traffic on the roads?
I just don’t get this whole attitude of we must all be together for Christmas.

Chewbacca Fri 02-Oct-20 09:21:13

Christmas is a time for giving. So give your daughter the gift of being able to spend the Christmas holiday wherever gives her the least stress and upheaval. It would be a sign of your love and recognition that she's had a tough year and you just want to make life easier for her.
I too don't "get" why families get so hung up about who spent Christmas with who/who's turn it is this year. It's just 2 days out of 365.

GrannyLaine Fri 02-Oct-20 09:32:20

Wiggys52 I'm a bit puzzled. You say you haven't seen your DD and GD since February yet now, when in many parts of the country Covid rates are rapidly increasing, you are planning a family get together? Christmas is looking very uncertain as a family celebration for us all, even with family nearby.

OceanMama Fri 02-Oct-20 09:32:52

I can see where you are coming from but it looks like they want to stick with the regular schedule, which is reasonable. How old is the grandchild? An 11 hour drive is not reasonable in most instances, I think. I would definitely not have done it with children.

Chardy Fri 02-Oct-20 09:45:35

I don't think this is the year to follow the usual pattern of Christmas with this lot one year etc. If her in-laws are really supportive and she says that she hasn't seen her mum for nearly a year, little one not seen granny for nearly a year, I think they'd be pretty hard-hearted to say 'But it's our turn'

Tiggersuki Fri 02-Oct-20 09:46:11

Very sympathetic, I haven't seen my son and grandson since December after visits have been cancelled. We hope to see them mid November...over 5 hours away ...but who knows .

NotSpaghetti Fri 02-Oct-20 09:48:12

In-laws "turn". You have to suck it up.

B9exchange Fri 02-Oct-20 09:53:15

I understand how you feel, but I think the original arrangements need to stand, how would you feel next year if you were ditched at what would have been 'your turn' in favour of the in laws, would cause ill feeling all round. Surely you can go up just before or just after Christmas, with your other daughter. And there must be flights or trains, rather than an 11 hour drive?

jaylucy Fri 02-Oct-20 09:57:47

Yes you are jealous , perhaps understandably so.
Under the current circumstances I think you need to stop thinking of yourself and think of the children and the amount of travelling you have planned!
2020 has been a rotten year for many especially those that have lost loved ones due to Covid. Time to just plan a quiet Christmas for hopefully just this year.
PS. I haven't seen any my family , apart from my son who lives with me,since Easter - most only live 30 - 40 minutes away due to shielding. That's just the way it has had to be.

Carooline Fri 02-Oct-20 10:04:41

Wiggys52, it’s all rather hypothetical at the moment isn’t it. I guess you may live in Scotland (as I can’t think of anywhere else that would be an 11 hour drive ) the rules there are independent of England so you may not even be allowed to leave Scotland, if my assumption is correct..
Personally I wouldn’t drive anywhere that takes 11 hours! That’s one hell of a drive, I would fly normally but with the current pandemic I wouldn’t go anywhere near a plane or an airport even if it was free.
As it’s not your turn, I think you’re just going to have to sadly accept the fact and look forward to next Christmas when, God willing we’ll all be fit and healthy.