AIBU??

Once your children get married & then again when the children arrive you cease to be so important- fact of life!
We do not mind at all which day over Christmas they come to us but I do like to get both sons & their families round our table for a good meal at some point over the festivities. We make that our Christmas Day.
It stands to reason that small children would be much happier in their own homes with all their new toys once Santa has been. It is what we did when our children were small- I remember the awful day that we once went to my Dad's - his wife had her miserable old parents there who moaned if one of the boys ( 2 & 4 years old) made so much as a whisper & we never did it again!
As long as you all get together it does not matter what the calendar says.

Too much travelling. You're asking her to drive with child for a 3 hour trip. Then another 11 hours? No way! Then back again?

I'm also trying to figure out where you live Wiggy that a total drive of fourteen hours would be necessary to link up with both daughters. Is one at Lands End and the other at John 'O Groats?
Seriously though, it isn't your turn and we don't know how things will be at Christmas
Just a thought, is your daughter hoping that she might run into her husband at his parents and is hoping for a reconciliation perhaps.

Sorry, I'm another who can't understand all the fuss and palava over one day--two at the most.

I hesitate to add that this year is going to be entirely different and unnecessary journeys from county to county are at a greater risk than ever at that time of year.

I am sure the alternate year thing was set up because of a sense of fair play!! Remember at present it is only 6 in the house if that. This year I am afraid most of what is normally done won't happen but anyway there is no point in making plans at present, I guess it is a case of giving way gracefully and making of the day what you can.

I'd rather see my family than not if you get my drift.

why not meet up half term as suggested.why have you not met up somewhere before now ?

You could have a zoom Christmas, where everyone including the In Laws remain at home and all have a chat, a drink and a meal at the same time. We have done this by Skype with family overseas in the past. While it is not the same, under the present situation it could alleviate some of the stress for everyone.

I have been on this site for quite a while and nevered done a reply but today BlueBelle I am totally with you I have a Daughter in Canada with a granddaughter and a son in Australia with two grandchildren I am devastated that I cannot travel to see them and have no idea when I will see them again .when you get to late 60 every year is precious 're long haul travel.Hopefully when the borders are open we grandparents will be given priority but won't hold my breath. Please grans with GC in the same country just take what you can and be so grateful you are not oceans apart.

Doodledog, just wanted to comment on your excellent response. Realistic and thought-out but basically kind. It was a pleasure to read.

It is only one day, what about all the other 364??? We do not see American family over C'mas, and rarely the nearer ones, who won't leave home! (only an hour away)

No longer have a tree or decorations.

Hey-ho!

Given the current circumstances I think it’s far too early to be planning who is going to whose house at Christmas!

OP

Get ready for the day that your dd decides not to drive every other year.

Is there a reason you dont drive yourself or arrange your own transport and meet her at her sister's?

Btw, is she the only one with the longest drive? Do you have another adult child that stays put and never drives?
Where do you all stay during these trips?
You also have to consider the financial aspect of this - not cheap

"It's my turn, it's ILsx turn" is not correct. Your dd chooses to see you, it is her christmas too.
When is her turn?

I feel bad for the poor child, dragged around for the sake of family. I hope he/she has a call on this decision

One year, your dd will say: I am done with this and I want to spend xmas at home with my kid by myself
Imagine "it's your turn"
Are you going to try to claim it and remind her of the agreement?

Your bday has nothing to do with this.

It is time to be realistic about Christmas and special occasions vs the fantasy in our heads.

I do appreciate all you say wiggys52.

I won't be seeing my daughter or granddaughter this Christmas + my birthday on 30th December. She's had a similar tough year too and has no in laws to support her. Her area is now in lockdown and she's worked from home since February. They come every year.

She did drive the 200 miles to see us at the beginning of August but has cancelled coming at half term and Christmas .

Christmas is going to be emotionally difficult for thousands this year.

But, I know we will get together as soon as safely possible to do so

Maybe the O Poster doesn't live in the UK, it's hard to imagine anywhere here that requires an 11 or 14 hour journey!

My family did it in a much smaller country than the UK.
Quality of roads, stops, etc...

I don't think it is unreasonable to feel disappointed but it would probably only put stress on your daughter to discuss it with her at a particularly difficult time of her life. She is probably trying to keep things amicable. There might be far more repercussions to change things this year with such a recent marital break up which could make life very difficult for her in the long run. Even amicable break ups can be thrown off track by a perception that you are "keeping the children" away from the absent parent of their family.
If your life balance allows you to, why don't you go to see your daughter and grandchild before Christmas. You could stay in an Air BnB and enjoy some time with them before heading home. If you did it at least a fortnight before Christmas, you could make sure you weren't carrying it down to your other daughter over Christmas.
My stepchildren were absolutely firm over Christmas. The eldest told us from the start of his partnership that he would not be doing every other Christmas with parents and in-laws. With 2 sets of parents on each side, it would just be relentless for his family when he had children and we understood completely. All the other children followed his lead. Having had a lifetime of emotional blackmail if I didn't go to my mother's at Christmas, I was more than happy to give the gift of acceptance and understanding to our kids.
We usually have Open House on Boxing Day with no pressure for anyone to be there and most years we have a house full. This year it won't happen and I did suggest that maybe it was a good time to have a natural end to the event but was completely shouted down by my DIL's!

I am fortunate because my husband's birthday is on 18th December. On the years when it is not "our turn for Christmas" we celebrate on Grandad's birthday instead. Our eldest grandchild now looks forward to "First Christmas" just as much as the real thing.

jane5

I have been on this site for quite a while and nevered done a reply but today BlueBelle I am totally with you I have a Daughter in Canada with a granddaughter and a son in Australia with two grandchildren I am devastated that I cannot travel to see them and have no idea when I will see them again .when you get to late 60 every year is precious 're long haul travel.Hopefully when the borders are open we grandparents will be given priority but won't hold my breath. Please grans with GC in the same country just take what you can and be so grateful you are not oceans apart.

Hear hear

Unless the virus levels are back down to what they were at the end of July I don't think I'd want to bring that many households together anyway. I'd be picking one daughter or the other to spend xmas with. Lucky one of your daughters has somewhere else to go.

Curlywhirly

Maybe the O Poster doesn't live in the UK, it's hard to imagine anywhere here that requires an 11 or 14 hour journey!

Land's End to John O'Groats is 13+ hours.
But then there's the other 3 hour journey in another direction.

Of course, if it is Australia, it's just down the road a bit.

Not bothered about seeing anyone at Christmas, it's all too much trouble - dinner, tree, mince pies, chocs, food and more food. Can't be bothered anymore. (Is is just me?!)

I feel your pain, I haven’t seen my daughter and two granddaughters in the flesh since last Christmas. It is very unlikely we will see each other this Christmas, but the other grandparents who live near by will be able to. I felt very sad over this and rather jealous of them, but am now resigned to this being what is happening. Hopefully a better year next year!

No

I have sinceall my children became adults (16) 'done Christmas' on one of the days on the run up. Then there's no pressure on anyone and on the 25th everybody can do as they please. Works for me.