Gransnet forums


Husband told secret I had asked him to keep. Worse still it was to the husband of my ‘enemy. ‘

(66 Posts)
Baguette123 Sun 25-Oct-20 14:04:20

My husband is interested in spiritual healing, which is his hobby. Understandably, some people find it a bit ‘out there’ so I ask him not to volunteer the information to people we don’t know well or who I know don’t wish us well. He has recently reconnected with the husband of a cousin of mine who has mocked and bullied me for years. We haven’t had contact for many years and it has been much better for me. She really is not a kind person. I was pleased for my husband to reconnect with her husband, as it seemed to make him happy. It didn’t mean I had to see my cousin so that was fine. All I asked was to please not mention the spiritual healing as it would cause gossip none of which would be nice. My husband has many other hobbies and anecdotes but he chose to tell him about the one thing I had asked him not to mention. He let it slip today that he had done so.
I’m so upset. His healing work is not my cup of tea but I have always supported him in it. He is quite a weak man in that he is a people pleaser. I expect he was trying to impress his friend.
I know it may seem small to many but something has broken inside me. I just feel cold towards him now. There is a back story of my having supported him a lot over the years, put up with an awful lot but now I don’t trust him. What can I do ?

janeainsworth Sun 25-Oct-20 14:09:54

It’s one thing to keep a secret about yourself, or something you’ve done in the past that you regret, but quite another to ask someone else to keep a secret about something about him or herself.

I’m sorry but I think you were unreasonable to do that. It sounds as though you’re ashamed of him.

Bibbity Sun 25-Oct-20 14:10:36

It doesn’t seem small at all. I am so sorry he betrayed you like this.
How has he apologised?

Jane10 Sun 25-Oct-20 14:10:59

Give him a break!

Astral Sun 25-Oct-20 14:12:05

Let your husband be himself! This is who he is and what he enjoys, if other people don't have anything nice to say its because they aren't very nice. How much of this is because you find it a bit embarrassing? Let go of that. Who cares what they think really, just be happy.

focused1 Sun 25-Oct-20 14:22:49

Chat to him about it and express your concerns . I would give him a chance to say sorry and reassure you that as you are so bothered then he wouldn't do this again . He is your husband not just a casual partner. He maybe doesn't take this a seriously as you as my husband is the same . If people don't like him then they have to move on as he has many friends that do . What is going to be the outcome of a bit of gossip ? Temp annoyance and if you think this person is so unkind then just don't bother with them . I have a friend that has found out her husband is seriously ill ...don't have to say much more .

rafichagran Sun 25-Oct-20 14:25:54

Yes, let it go, he did not betray your secret, it's his interest, he has every right to talk about it.
I would also ask why you feel you should tell him who he can and cannot talk to about his spiritual healing, it's none of your business.
You refer to him as a weak man, sounds to me that you lack respect, and to be honest you come across as wanting to control everything including his conversations.
You ask where you go from here. I would say you need to apologise for the way you behave.
I would never dream of telling my partner what he can and cannot say, so long as it is not something private about me.

justwokeup Sun 25-Oct-20 14:28:40

I don't think you've a right to ask him not to talk about something that interests him. As a 'people pleaser' he probably agreed with you not to talk about it, but who knows what he thought about your request? And he 'let it slip' that he had, maybe because he wanted to tell you that he had made a mistake but wasn't sure how. You still don't have to see your cousin so there is no need to dwell on what she thinks, or you are allowing her continue to bully you when she actually isn't doing so. I agree with janeainsworth that you appear to be ashamed of him and his hobby, which is a different problem entirely.

BlueBelle Sun 25-Oct-20 14:31:51

I have no belief in spiritual healing but I actually think you’re out of order asking him to say nothing about something that obviously fulfills him and something that he’s a bit proud of
That’s telling him to not be himself but to be something you want him to be and that’s just not fair
So in answer to your question yes I think you are being unreasonable

Hithere Sun 25-Oct-20 14:32:14

Was he aware of the bad blood between you and your cousin?

Regadless, your dh can heal with his own stories and experiences, why use yours?

Elegran Sun 25-Oct-20 14:32:22

This is a non-problem, blown up out of all proportion.

Spiritual healing is something you are either into or you aren't, but your husband's interests are not something that you should be ashamed of have to be ashamed. Is he good at it? Why should he be ashamed of it, and if he isn't, why on earth should you be? What he tells his friend about himself is his own business. How can he even carry it out without telling anyone about it, anyway? He would never have contact with people who needed him

If your cousin returns to her old ways, just tell her to get lost and that your loyalty is to your husband, so you don't care what she thinks. But it isn't, is it? Your main thought is whether people will think you are somehow odd. You are being Hyacinth Bucket.

BlueBelle Sun 25-Oct-20 14:36:08

Oh I missed you last sentence “what can I do” apologise to him and tell him you ve have no right to tell another human what to talk about or what to be interested in or proud of, he’s not a child that needs monitoring ...outrageous really that you believe you can dictate his conversations for him

Bibbity Sun 25-Oct-20 14:37:34

Wait. I must’ve misread. I thought he’d told a secret that had been revealed during the healing.

Is it literally that he does this hobby?!

Ah sorry OP but if that’s true my response is going to be very different.

MerylStreep Sun 25-Oct-20 14:45:59

You don't have a very high opinion of your husband, do you.
You discribe him as being weak, a people pleaser and accuse him of trying to impress.
Why are you so ashamed of his hobby Has he ever embaressed you?
I think your the weak person, not him by allowing your cousin to bully you for years. I think you need to look in the mirror and see who's the nicer person in your marriage.

Hithere Sun 25-Oct-20 14:46:18

Sorry, I am rereading and it is very vague.

If what you asked him not to mention refers to his personal life, you have no right to do that.

If the issue at hand is that he disclosed information about yourself you dont want out there, he should not have done that.

I get the feeling this is the straw that broke the camel's back.

BlueBelle Sun 25-Oct-20 14:56:50

Hithere the poster asked him not to reveal that he does spiritual healing as a hobby because it’s ‘not her cup of tea’

Bluebellwould Sun 25-Oct-20 14:59:13

To be blunt, you come across as a controlling and manipulative person who, instead of dealing with the cause of your ill feelings, namely your cousin, are seeking to punish your husband.
I think you have thought up a way to separate your husband and thus yourself, from your cousin and her husband.
If you despise him so much why are you still with him? I feel very sorry for him and certainly not you.
I do feel sorry for you in that so much of your life seems to be based on what others think of you and that their opinions have such an impact on you.

Hithere Sun 25-Oct-20 15:14:31

Bluebelle, thanks!

Team DH.

ValerieF Sun 25-Oct-20 15:19:18

Strange post. I think the main problem is that this cousin has resurfaced (albeit through her husband) and you don't like it? But we can't control anyone else so let your husband do what he thinks is right. A lot of people believe in spiritual healing. OK you aren't one but so long as your husband isn't fleecing people i.e paying money, then what harm does it do?

Jane10 Sun 25-Oct-20 15:21:55

Team DH too!

EllanVannin Sun 25-Oct-20 15:22:27

I think this is all about you isn't it ?

Msida Sun 25-Oct-20 15:31:58

Wow. Firstly you are a grown woman and should not still ha e the fear of being bullied by your cousin hoping that by now you woykd know how to handle your cousins bullying

Secondly your husband sounds like a lively sweet person that enjoys his spiritualism but you are making him feel like he is doing something wrong, you say you support him, don't sound line you support him, sounds like you make him feel ashamed of something that is amazing

Today I watched a program about a mother that has to 24 hr nurse her son so reading this post just made me think.. Reallly is this woman for real..

Being spiritual is something to be proud of

If I was told what I can and can not speak about I wouldn't be happy at all

I wonder what he would have to say if he had a chance to comment on the situation

I should imagine it woykd be along the lines of.. My wife is being Cold and Horrid to me because she is ashamed of me and ashamed that I am a spiritual person.

Soooo many more important things to worry about

That's my take on it but feel free to tell me to mind my own business

Newatthis Sun 25-Oct-20 16:15:26

For years I worried about what people thought of me and still do sometimes but then I realised there will always be nasty, jealous people around who will dislike others for very little reason so don't worry about your cousin or what she thinks. However, I think the issues you have with your husband go a little deeper than him believing in spiritual healing or telling others about his beliefs. Maybe you should perhaps try deal with these issues with this first.

Nadedeturbe Sun 25-Oct-20 16:23:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seakay Sun 25-Oct-20 16:43:05

If your husband had any qualms about not talking about his hobby when you asked him not to, he should have said so at the time of asking and initiated a calm discussion; the fact that he agreed to your request, then did the opposite and only let you know by accident says to me that he has lied to you deliberately and is not to be trusted. I completely sympathise with your feelings about this, and am sorry that so may other responders have chosen to focus on what they imagine is your attitude to your husband's hobby, rather than the likely repercussions for you from your bullying cousin learning of this and choosing to be unpleasant about him and therefor you.
Apparently #BeKind only applies if you've reached the end of your tether and killed yourself, so my advice (weird as I'm responding myself!) would be to seek the advice of a professional stranger who will listen, rather than risking your mental health by exposing yourself to the judgement of people who sound very much like your cousin. Marriage counselling can be undertaken by one person, for instance. It might be helpful for your to have rather more space to explore how these events have affected your feelings for your husband.
There are many different sorts of counselors and therapists, even amoung those who specialise in one field, so it may not be easy to find one that you feel comfortable with, especially now, but it seems to me that you have worked very hard at your marriage over the years, and want to change how you feel at the moment, if that is possible.
If nothing else, you deserve to spend some time unraveling the complexities of your current feelings and finding some peace and contentment in your life, and I think that doing so will help you to feel more confident and secure in your decisions in the future