Mum won’t listen to advice AIBU?

It’s a comfort that so many are feeling the same as me. Sleepygran I welcome your input too, I am clinically vulnerable so shielding, I follow the advice , and it is advice not law, so I know we all have to do what we feel is the right thing for us. I think my problem with my mum is that she looks on me as the child who tells her off and now she doesn’t tell me when she’s doing stuff, it’s really upset me the last couple of days and I can’t bear to speak to her partly because I’m afraid I will start ranting at her again. Everything’s just a bit more stressful at the moment isn’t it. More time to think and overthink!

It is so interesting reading these. My mother spent her last few months in hospital where she was extremely stroppy and refused to cooperate about lots of things. There was one sister (male) who could persuade her to do anything. He was obviously very skilled and experienced in handling and talking to old people and watching him deal with mum was so interesting. One of the things he managed to do was to introduce ideas so that it almost seemed mum was the one making the decision and then gradually steering her to the result we wanted. Anyway I do wonder if one of the things is that your mother feels she has had all choice taken from her so she is choosing her own path and rebelling against every restriction. It's a difficult time anyway but I wonder if you just pulled back a little and let her have some input if she would behave in a more reasonable way? For example instead of ringing her every day your daughter could ring every other day and leave her gran to decide if she wants to call her on the other days. Try not to stress I understand your worries but you can't control all her life just hope for the best.

As the covid and all these new variants are popping up they should make the vaccine compulsory- im afraid i dont see 'allergies' as a reason to refuse it, unless your allergies are 'life-threatening'- then it would still be more of a 'pro' to have covid vaccine in my book as that genuinely is 'life-threatening' above all, not just to ourselves, but to many many others, and surely those who have life threatening allergies already will have an epi pen and they would be under more scrutiny anyway from those giving the vaccine? If it was me, id rather risk the reaction than the covid virus, in its various forms.And theres so many over 70's & 80's who seem to be taking risks, its as if theyre tired of life& dont care what happens to them- but its not just them its risking, and they cant seem to see that.- im not heartless, but im starting to question why waste first vaccines on them if they themselves dont give a jot? (well, I'm hoping they aren't all like that, obviously)but the more on here of them i read about, sadly it looks like they are?

It's probably too much to give your daughter even more responsibility but I know if my daughter said that I was letting her down it might hurt but if my grandson said it then it would really stop me in my tracks

Your DM and other family members are all at fault. Your DD/GD are doing all they can to help keep your DM safe. Unfortunately you cannot make your DM and the others live as you would like. Let them get on with it. Perhaps your GD ckukd suggest the others can do your DMs shopping as they see her so often. The workman would surely know whether he was allowed to go into the house or not. Defending on the work and the location within a house many are pemitted.

Sleepygran, as a vulnerable person I have received many missives from the government and NHS telling me what I can and can’t do. This isn’t just ‘advice’ as you seem to think. I am horrified that there are still people out there who think the rules don’t apply to them.

Sounds like you are upset because she is not doing what you want - ie you cannot control her. At that age she, like many others probably feels quality of life is the most important thing - shielding/lockdown is absolutely awful for many people and seen as 'not worth it' if you have already had a long life. Older people's view of the prospect of death does change - and can be difficult for younger people to grasp. Regardless of her reasons, you can only control your own actions - I wouldn't think it is worth being outwardly upset with her.

From your mum's point of view it is extremely hard to be told what to do by a grownup child. Our son who lives in USA is always giving us advice on what we should be doing, not just about covid. I know he worries, but it is guilt that makes him do it I believe. He can't help us physically like his sister who lives by can. So he tries by giving us unwanted advice. Just be a loving son and take an interest in what she is doing, don't criticise.

I agree with Gingergirl. You've made your views very clear and that's all you can do. Ultimately people have to make their decisions as to what they feel is 'safe' or otherwise. I'm surprised at how many think that it's OK to tell their parents what to do and express hurt and anger when they don't 'obey'. This 85 year probably told told her AC that she'd cancelled the workman just to stop them nagging!

My mum went into a care home at the start of lockdown, she was terminally Ill but was still enjoying life, lockdown came and took away everything that she enjoyed in life, with no visitors allowed, in a room on her own with people in masks (she couldn't lip read them in a mask) popping in and leaving a tray of food or collecting a tray, or cleaning her up, for 14 weeks, she had almost starved her self to death when they let us visit again, seeing us she started to eat and drink again and had a renewed burst of life for 3 weeks. I guess what I am trying to say is that quality of life, is vital, when you know you have so little time left. People make bucket lists of what they want to do in their last years, we all understand that, so why don't we understand that people that are elderly want to make the most of every day they have, and perhaps they feel that their health and life should be in their own hands. Its all very well for those of us looking forward to many years ahead of doing what we want, we just need to get past this and last year, but if you are 85, looking past this and last year to an uncertain future, you will want to grab life as best you can and enjoy every minute of it.

Good advice trisher, backing off a bit is the route I’m going down.

Yes we can understand that Sleepygran- but as we've nearly all pointed out- its not just about them themselves at 'their time of life' is it? Especially with these new variations- WE ARE ALL AT RISK- some of us more than others, but even children and younger people, fit and healthy- everyone's at risk- so, the older folk might not care anymore, as they've lived a life already(not all of them feel like this I'm sure) but what about the people they could pass it to? Some who have not lived their full lives yet?Dont we deserve a chance, or our kids& grandkids? We should ALL have the vaccine when we can as we much for others as ourselves!Its the very least we can do for mankind!?

So sorry to hear of my contemporaries behaving like that - I am 86 and would not even consider "dancing with death": in that way. I try to keep as well as possible, daily walk etc. and keeping away (regretfully) from everybody. But feel I want to stay alive to see my family and get back to a better lifestyle and learn from this dreadful hidden killer how to cope with it. Just long to see my great-grandchild born in April last year; my family in Lincoln, and my local family here in Kendal - without having to distance, and wear masks, and worst of all - not even shake hands!!!!! How we would all love to give each other a big hug....... But to get to that state - we ALL have to obey the rules, take care of each other, and respect each other.

Keep safe, everyone, as more famous people have recently said - we WILL come through this by obeying regulations, thinking of others and keeping safe.

Sadly, I doubt there is anything you can do. A cautionary tale - My experience recently was losing a close friend (he was 93, reasonably healthy and more active than I am some 20 years younger) to Covid who took a very similar attitude to your Mum. He had no family, but had a sort-of bubble which wasn't managed properly especially over Christmas. Despite that, he thought he would be ok. Sadly, he paid with his life the day he was due to have his first vaccination. I and another close friend of his were allowed to be at his bedside in hospital during his final hours. Of course, we went into isolation afterwards, but the other friend subsequently ended up in hospital herself with the virus. She is now home though quite weak, but has the responsibility of sorting out his funeral and Will as she is one of the executors.
I am sure there are many other people who can tell similar stories. I just get very angry at the totally unnecessary loss of life!

Tbf the workman coming in is probably less of a risk than 'getting postman & delivery men' in to do stuff that arent in their job description and im surprised they did it- they too are then at risk, then maybe taking that risk to others- (why aren't they're workplaces warning them NOT to do this?) But i had to have a workman in to gas boiler and he came with all PPE, his gloves& mask, full overalls, and went & got his shoe covers as well, at my request- so long as the workmen have PPE - and stay socially distanced, they are much less of a risk than others.

I would be very thankful that I couldn’t visit! I get the feeling that your mum (like my mum was) will not take advice or follow rules.

I think you just have to continue your daily phone calls, and just tell her that as soon as it is allowed, you will visit.

Well said Smartiecat- you sound very sensible, and it makes a great change to hear of those in your age bracket who ARE taking precautions and want to survive this to share better times with our families- though sadly im sure there will be no more shaking hands or kissing them or doing much more than a quick hug of our families(after we ALL have had our jabs!) in the future.I think the masks will be part of every day life too from here on in, like in countries like china& japan.

Rosalyn69

We can’t police our parents. I would be thoroughly resentful if my son started interfering in my life even if he thought “he knew better what was good for me”.

I understand this, but the same is true for adult children. They should not be policed either. They are the ones getting all the blame.

Either everyone should be policed or no one.

It’s very frustrating for many younger people that life has been locked down a year to protect so many who refuse to protect themselves.

Oldies will always do what they want. Either that or are too terrified to leave the house. It’s a disaster.

I think you can have people working in your house can't you? And they are 'allowed' to do so. We've had an electrician this last week.
She may well feel she's being 'nagged', always a difficult one when a family member gives a reminder more than once, as we all remember when we were young and then 'nagged' our teenage DCs in their turn.? Perhaps carry on with the telephoning (lucky her) but stop asking what she's doing if the answers worry you.

Oh, how sad for you Dowsabella- its such a shame for your friend.I hope your other friend is feeling a little better each day though.flowers for you both.?

Difficult and I do sympathise but, strictly speaking, if she has (Mental) Capacity and she is making these choices with understanding then there is little you cando about it - expect try not to make yourselves ill over her behaviour.
Tell her you accept she can do as she wishes but that out of respect for others - family and friends - it would be appreicated by all if she was careful and realised that many will not want to be around her given her actions

Another cat among the pigeons, where is the love? Lots of telling off, being dictatorial, treating elderly parents like naughty children, trying to control them, making ng them feel guilty... If that was what I was facing as I get older, I wouldn't be answering the phone or putting up with it, I would be out for a walk, maybe a bit of socially distanced shopping to get myself a few treats, and possibly seeking the company of someone who doesn't just want to nag me constantly, (as I am young enough to look forward to my retirement, I obey the rules, but I have to go out to work)

Classic I would say that it is love which is driving all the concern for our parents.

I do understand your reaction but as others have said, she is 85 you cannot police what she does, you can only advise and leave it at that - she may see that she has less life left than many and these small interactions are a lifeline for enjoying what’s left. Quality is just as, if not more important than quantity - this is the point of view from a CEV - clinically extremely vulnerable- grandmother. I know my children want me to go on for ever - 2 of them are doctors and full of advice etc - I listen to them and then make my own decisions- am not alone luckily- my husband is also a CEV - we both had Covid last March/April- so maybe feel a bit safer- we are sensible and careful but that decision is ours not our children’s. We have been ticked off for delivering Christmas presents - too bad - we were outside all the time - Saw our beloved grandchildten from a distance - we took no notice of fussing children.