Mum won’t listen to advice AIBU?

In my case, my DH and I both have mothers in their nineties who are living independently. We have had to remind both of them that it’s not all about them as we and our siblings and their spouses are all over 60 so considered to be vulnerable if we caught Covid.
In each case, one sibling is pushing the boundaries, saying that it won’t matter if they visit and it is difficult for our mums to say no.

The idea that old people have "had their time" and they shouldn't be told to stop taking risks seems to be quite common. I think it has a few flaws.

Infection rates are very high. Research has shown that the most likely way to catch the virus is through family interaction. People get closer, they are more likely to touch, there is surface contamination in people's homes... And if someone in their 80s does catch it, there's a strong chance they will die. They probably won't even be offered a ventilator, because resources are scarce and their survival chances are so low. So taking these risks verges upon suicidal behaviour. If my mum was here, I wouldn't be cool with her doing something quite likely to kill her. I certainly wouldn't say, "Well, you've had your time. Go ahead."

We all have to die sometime but Covid isn't the way I would choose, if I could avoid it. I won't go into detail, as there are probably people on here who have lost family and friends to the disease.

If they get ill, they can transmit it to others, including people who may have been sticking to the rules and staying in a bubble with them - a bubble that the old person has burst.

Even if someone 80+ doesn't get a ventilator, they still have to be looked after and have palliative care. This increases the strain on the NHS.

In short, I think that breaking rules designed to protect them above all isn't only foolish, it's selfish.

On the other hand maybe your mother simply doesn't want to do what you're suggesting, and wishes you'd stop going on about it. I don't know, but it's worth bearing in mind unless you have reason to believe she's genuinely not responsible for her own decisions.

My 87 y/o dad is the same -with him he tells us he’s been somewhere or had someone in after the event so we can’t tell him not to! I think some 80+’s get more & more bolshy - his idea of staying safe is definitely not the same as ours! we’ve said our piece though and now we leave him to it! I have put a tracker on his phone though ?️?

I must say that I haven’t read all the posts, but what we have had is 6 old folks. We have one left of 96. We spent years driving hundreds of miles to clean, garden and eventually do their paper work, and in some instances move them into a nursing home. That swallowed up their savings.
Not one of them, including the one who is left, made any provision for their old age or bothered to de clutter.

I cried all the 159 miles home on occasion. I had a full time job, a houseful of children as well.
Looking back I wish I had relaxed and just let all their shenanigans go over my head. If my FIL wanted to keep animals when he was so frail, that they could push him over and trample him to death, we should have let him.
If my MiL wanted to sleep in a chair all night and didn’t want me to clean pee off the floor....I should have chilled, etc etc.
The only person you can control is you . Leave off trying to control any one else as the effort will kill you.

Classic I entirely agree, having a relative in the same position in a care home who died of loneliness and lockdown, not covid. Also this is the worst national and international crisis most of us have lived through, the really elderly have lived through a World War (my relative just managed to survive 2!) and many killer diseases. I think it’s incomprehensible to some of them how our lives are being curtailed by this. Be kind to your DM, it might also be that she feels pressured by the other members of her family who are calling to see her.

Classic the ‘love’ bit comes in a daily phone call for the past 10 years, since we had to move away, ( except for when I visit) deliveries of treats during lockdown, making sure her bird food gets delivered, arranging a delivery of masks, hunting down a fish and chip shop which delivers to her village. She was nearly scammed out of £5000 by a rogue roofer, luckily neighbours alerted the police but she was driven to the bank to withdraw the money, the bank asked her what the money was for and she told them it was for her grandsons car, as the roofer had told her to do. This despite me telling her literally 4 days before about things like this happening. ‘ I would never do anything so stupid’ she told me, knowing at the time that she’s booked the roofer to come to the house! I think it’s harsh to say people are trying to control their parents, I have already told her to do what she feels comfortable with as I’m not there to keep an eye on her so can’t do a thing. The reason I get mad is because her actions in the past have had consequences and I worry about her. I’m not trying to control her

Look at Captain Tom, he died of Covid at the age of 100, but he lived life!
My friends dad died in a nursing home in January of Covid, he’d not seen any family since last March. Sometimes it’s about quality and not quantity.

As classic has said In ones final years the quality of life is vital. Your mother has decided how much she wishes to follow the advice and how much freedom is necessary for her wellbeing. Its not for family to take those choices away from her.

If she wants a workman in her house and keeps in a separate room whilst he is there and then opens all the windows after he has gone she is following the advice. No one wants their house to go down hill whilst they are confined to it.

Roasalyn69, I actually realise your comment made sense! I do, mostly, try to ignore what my son says to me!
This current situation had started to totally ruin my 96 year old mothers' life. She voluntarily went into a care home before Christmas as she had totally lost her short term memory and was becoming very confused. There was no help from her surgery also because of Covid. She now has three meals a day and is very happy (and secure) in her new home as she calls it, with good company. Of course, we are now trying to sell her home to pay for it but it really was the best solution in these circumstances for all of us.

Don’t get angry. Stay calm. Say as DD is stressed doing all she does at hime she needs to stop the phone calls / online shop. Say it calmly no blame attached. Then step back. Send a text once a day. That’s enough. Let them carry on breaking the rules. You and your daughter are doing the right thing. Stay back. That message is loud enough to show your feelings on the matter.

My elderly aunt is the same, she is 93, very independent, and on no medication. Isn’t she lucky? However, she does not stick to the guidelines, I dread to think how many bubbles she has formed. She adopts the attitude of she survived smallpox, and the war, and is grateful for every extra day that G-d grants her.
Needless to say my cousins, their children and I, are now speechless with her.
People will always do as they like.

I had all of this preCovid so really sympathise with you Covid makes everything a million times worse.
Long-distance caring is dreadful, Daily food orders cancelled I was paying. Workmen, I organised sent away when she had moaned for months about something. A wrong vac for the cleaner I sent when hers broke, I could go on indefinitely.
We are still their little girls and they know best.
In the end, I broke when she shouted at me on the phone as if I was 2. Shock I put the phone down on her. The daily phone calls stopped from me which she always cut short after moaning because she preferred evening calls when she was on her own.
Her behaviour improved remarkably though she never said sorry.
Stick to what you think is best and tell your relations they have to deal with any consequences of their actions.
Finally good luck.
There's a novel about this called "Can You hear me mother" by the late Margaret Forster, a friend bought it for me.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

“Summary: what you can and cannot do during the national lockdown
You must stay at home. The single most important action we can all take is to stay at home to protect the NHS and save lives.
You should follow this guidance immediately.THIS IS THE LAW.”
His is copied from gov website , yet people seem to think it’s only guidance

I think, (however frustrating and annoying it is) the fact is that we all make our own decisions in life. The same goes with the other relations who are mixing together. I think you need to (and it’s hard I know) let go of your need to control their decisions and just accept this is the way they want to deal with it. It’s not worth falling out over.

I can understand your frustration with your mother to some extent, but at the end of the day, she is an adult and it's entirely up to her how she chooses to live her life! Unless, of course, she suffers from dementia, and has been deemed as lacking the mental capacity to make decisions, which is a whole different scenario! Only in these circumstances, might you be able to impose your will on her as to whether she chooses to lock herself away, not socialising with others or whether she chooses to try and live her life as normally as she possibly can, in the current circumstances!
I can also fully understand why you might view her actions as selfish. However, this type of attitude isn't really that uncommon in elderly people of your mother's age! Many feel that they have spent the majority of their lives putting other people's needs before their own and now they just want some "me time" in the limited time they do have left!
There is also the possibility that if your mother has several health conditions which make life difficult for her, she really doesn't care if she contracts Covid-19 and actually dies from it! ? My mum's brother, who is 90, has prostate cancer (since 2004) and who lost his wife to dementia a few years ago, has refused to have the Covid vaccine! He lives in a care home and he is the only resident to refuse the vaccine! He doesn't have dementia, and has full mental capacity, so he is entirely within his rights to refuse to be vaccinated. He has been pressurised by the home manager and by my 2 cousins, who think he is being selfish! However, the reason he has given for his refusal is that as far as he is concerned, his life is over and he just wants to die! ?
I understand perfectly where he is coming from, but then I am a retired Senior Nurse with a career spanning more than 30 years. In my working life, I had to deal with people from all walks of life, whose views and values were often radically different to my own! I won't pretend it was easy, but I always tried to do my best to view things from several perspectives, rather than just my own! I couldn't have done my job otherwise!
Maybe, if you can, try to step back from the situation you are in, and imagine how you might feel if you were in your mother's shoes? I wish you the best of luck! ?

I am astonished by those selfish elderly parents who refuse to cooperate with their adult children, when all they are doing is trying to help. Rules apply to everyone, not just to young people. Being independent is one thing, being utterly oblivious to others' welfare is quite another. Getting old doesn't give us the right to please ourselves and to hell with everyone else - we are all part of a community. I am in my 70's as are most of my friends and we wouldn't dream of behaving in such an irresponsible way. Those who knowingly ignore their children's advice and concern should be grateful they are looking out for them instead of behaving like naughty children and putting others at risk. How utterly stupid they are.

I can absolutely understand your frustration and feeling that they are all being so selfish! I posted a few months ago about my parents still going out and lying to me about what they were upto and making unnecessary journeys despite all we were doing to try to keep them safe. I had to back off because it was making me so stressed, and had to finally accept it was their life and their decisions, although did remind them as often as I could how they were putting others in danger! It was only when neighbours over the road were both taken away in ambulances with Covid that it finally hit home. They haven’t returned and another neighbour told them how bad they looked which did finally shake them up. They have behaved since thankfully and we are able to talk more normally again without the underlying tension! You have my sympathy. So many people are being or have been affected by it they will surely hear more stories that might make a difference but they may be very lucky and get away with it. Frustrating I know.

I think you should try and stop worrying about it. I am 71 and would not take too well to my son and his family telling me what I should or shouldn't do. Everyone makes their own choices and just because she is in her 80's does not mean she can not decide for herself. I am careful but I am not letting the pandemic rule my life, who knows how many years we have left?

Calm down. She knows the score. If she dies,
she dies but at least she will have enjoyed her last days/years. I'm much the same at 69 years old. Don't let it stress you out.

Mine is 92,and just the same!

I cared for my elderly mother after my father died n brought her to stay with me for five snd a half months. We were shielding as my DH has a compromised immune system. End of July my sister suggested she goes to stay with her. I knew my sister thought I was being silly shielding and thought it wrong that I didn’t take my elderly mother out. My sister took her out here there and everywhere inc restaurants, cafes n meeting other people. My sister n her DH got Covid I couldn’t go to see my mother as not allowed into the house. Initially my mother appeared ok but 3 weeks later was taken ill n diagnosed with Covid. Sorry but it’s selfish n ignorant people who don’t care about others and this is why we are not getting rid of the virus. Until the virus hits yiur doorstep then you have no idea just how bad it can be. I have lost family through it. I say to those idiots grow up it’s real look at the photos on TV in wards where people are dying. I fully appreciate your daughters attitude she’s right.

I’m really confused why so many here are defending the elderly, and so often what we see on the site is people blaming the young people for going out partying.

It’s exactly the same. It truly is.

MommaBear - your sister is the problem. She is presumably the mother of your niece and nephew. Why can't you just say to her that whatever she thinks about the incidence or otherwise of covid in her area, what she is doing in allowing her children to visit is breaking the law. And whilst breaking the law she is also placing your mother in the situation of not being able to do anything about that as she is in your mother's support bubble. It's great to hear that your daughter is supporting her grandmother from afar but that's not an issue here - the issue is that your mother's other grandchildren are breaking the law. It applies to them as much as to anybody else.