Mum won’t listen to advice AIBU?

My mom is the same she has my sister her daughter and grandson in the house they all go out together and then my mom and sister got Covid luckily not to serious I speak to my mom daily on the phone but have not visited as I am classed as high risk when they tested positive I told her straight it was her own fault for breaking the law she has not learnt from it so now I don't even bother saying anything. They now the risks and have not learnt so leave them to it

I have just had 11 days in Hospital, not Covid, compeltely different medical problem which couldn't be treated at home. Whilst in there 2 patients who had tested negative on admission later tested positive. I had 4 tests all negative but have had to self isolate for 14 days when I came home. I saw first hand the effects on the staff on a non Covid Ward, extra cleaning, wearing PPE etc.

Thankfully my DM who is almost 92 is now housebound with Carers so I don't have he worry of her going out but not being able to have her friends in the house has left her very isolated, her quality of life has declined & she has lost interest in her hobbies & watching tv.

I know my DM would not take kindly to me "laying down the law". It's like treading on eggshells all the time. Also I would not let my DD tell me what I can & can't do, we do however discuss & agree on how we both cope with the restrictions

I just went through ALL this - substitute Covid with illegal alien boyfriend taking her social security money. My mother was 86. The elders want to maintain control of their lives. This is in defiance and pretty much all they have left as adult children lovingly try and maneuver their aging parent. From your parent's perspective, the attention she gets fills her need to feel cared for. It must be frightening to be old and on the way out. I would stop the constant covid conversations. She is free to get covid or not. That is her life. It is also the lives of others to determine the extent of their risk exposure. You must leave that alone. We all have different views on this anyway. If she is fed, housed, hygenic, then all is good. Keep you conversations to her enjoyable. You cannot save your mother. I just went through all this with my siblings. It is extremely stressful and I understand your fears. In reality, you have done what you need to do. Your mother is her own person and can determine her own risk. If she is neglecting her housing, nourishment and hygiene then you can fix those. Otherwise, she determines, nephews determine, their own level of risk on getting covid. I would stop covid conversations and focus on quality of life issues like shopping, tellie shows, neighbors, anything she needs? This never ends well. She can keel over tomorrow for all you know. Just let the covid lectures cease and replace them with more positive interactions. It will be better for everyone.

Maybe at 85 she knows her own mind and would sooner take the risk of covid than miss out on living the last few years of her life.

Sorry Lorraine.That really makes me cross. My mum declined the vaccination at first.Saying if she got it she had had enough and didn't mind if it finished her off.But what about others,passing it on particularly if you're asymptomatic.Then especially if you're elderly someone has to look after you ,either at home or taking up a hospital bed.

Leave her be...she knows what's what and probably dislikes being told what to do all the time. You're not earming any brownie points by repeating your point of view all the time. I'm 81 and ignore my daughters' demands re covid and all the drama surrounding it. Yes I am stubborn but I still have the ability to think for myself. If I get it I get it..if I die from it,I die,end of story. I bet your mother feels the same when all's said and done

I too have been frustrated by people who have allowed this fatale virus to run as it has because of putting their own needs first. They can make as many excuses as they want but they are the ones that are allowing this silent killer to spread. I feel so sorry for those who are witness to covid 19 at its worst the doctors and nurses whose job it is to try to keep people alive and for the poor soles who are struggling to breath. That is why I have no intention of putting others at risk and I understand your frustrations when family members and others do.

Not getting into the rights or wrongs of ignoring or not ignoring covid restrictions - but I have a serious issue with the way some children and grandchildren speak to their parents/grandparents as if they were children! Sir Captain Tom is a prime example where this was happening - both from his children and from the media. Barring dementia, there is NO excuse for patronising our elderly relatives like this - it makes me sick and I will never do it to my elderly parents!

Mommabear45, my friend's mother is just the same - and other family members ignore the rules, too. She won't have the vaccination either, because she 'doesn't go out', yet she invites everyone in.

There is little you can do to change the behaviour of others, beyond expressing your disapproval and pointing out the dangerous, possibly fatal consequences.

I think the mindset of an 85 year old is somewhat different. They may feel that they've already had their life, more time is a bonus - and they're not prepared to spend it lonely and isolated. They can also become selfish and inconsiderate.

I can understand that. What I can't comprehend is the attitude of younger people who think it's OK to visit, possibly taking the virus with them. How will they feel if they cause the illness, suffering, even death, of an elderly relative?

Personally, right from the beginning when we first found out about Covid, I told my friends and family that the 'normally flu is a coronavirus, which it is, and that this is just a more virulent strain. Now yes, we've learned that it's actually a bit more dangerous that the flu that we're used to seeing on an annual basis but 10 months ago we didn't have as much info as we do now.

Even so, I have always been someone who's said that we should be given the facts (truthful ones, not fake or inflated) and treated as the adults we are. Why should anyone else tell me that I should look after myself? I am a grown up after all, so shouldn't I be deciding how much risk I'm prepared to accept?

Now, I am early 50s with a chronic auto immune condition but as far as living my day to day life has been concerned, I've changed very little over these 10 months. Before March 2020, I probably left my home 3 time a week and since March it's been maybe twice.

I've been of the opinion throughout that if I were to contract this virus, well, I'll deal with it if it happens and if it kills me, so be it. That said, I've not been so stupid as to be going out to raves or spending time in heavily populated places. I go out to buy my groceries once a week and take the dog out on that day plus one other for a good walk (my condition doesn't really allow me to do much more than this).

I did receive my first covid jab yesterday, which I'm under no illusions of it providing invincibility but by the end of the month the chances of the virus killing me will have been greatly reduced.

Basically, I think that if someone who is allegedly 'vulnerable' to the virus by virtue of age or pre-existing health condition, should be asked by their friends and family what they want to do, whether they are prepared to accept the risks, then if other family members are conscious of the possible transmission of virus across ALL the people they come into contact with, then decisions should be made by all concerned and if one person doesn't like to arrangements then they don't have to get involved in them.

Pussanne I hope if you are taking risks and then catch it, you will stay at home and decline medical assistance and not strain the NHS and poor doctors and nurses for your selfishness. Good grief no wonder we are in this mess

justwokeup

Classic I entirely agree, having a relative in the same position in a care home who died of loneliness and lockdown, not covid. Also this is the worst national and international crisis most of us have lived through, the really elderly have lived through a World War (my relative just managed to survive 2!) and many killer diseases. I think it’s incomprehensible to some of them how our lives are being curtailed by this. Be kind to your DM, it might also be that she feels pressured by the other members of her family who are calling to see her.

Justwokeup,

Please do not take my comment as a challenge but I am genuinely interested in why you thought your relative died of loneliness and lockdown in a care home.

My mother, with Alzheimer’s, was discharged into a care home after a fall at her home last April. I was in agreement with the hospital as it was becoming impossible to keep her safe at home even without Covid concerns. But she has changed dramatically since then, both physically and mentally, becoming quite aggressive, even more confused and challenging. Of course this could just be due to the progression of her disease but as I have not seen her face to face since the first lockdown began, I have no real idea of how much her isolation in the care home is affecting her, she used to see me or my siblings every day and now no longer knows who we are.

I worry about how lonely she might be and your post made me wonder about the signs you saw in your relative

Harmonypuss
The flu is NOT a coronavirus.
We knew that from the beginning.

This is not a live and let live situation. Your actions affect me and vice versa. So yes, we do need rules, because every person thinks their own personal common sense is enough. Look around. It is not.

Frankly, I'm shocked and astonished by the the selfish attitudes of some older people ... and we keep being told it's the younger ones who are being irresponsible, and spreading the virus!

I have been pleading with my father for several months not to go out of the house, and not to have people in. Constantly, I've tried to explain the rules and restrictions of lockdown ... just because people are legally allowed to go out for essential shopping, etc., doesn't mean they HAVE to go out, if they have someone who does their shopping for them, which he does!! But did he listen to me?! No! He still went out, just because he said he was allowed to!!

Consequently, he ended up in hospital recently, due to an accident he had whilst he was out! He had three negative test results whilst he was there. Unfortunately, his last test result, upon discharge, was positive for Covid! He is obviously very remorseful, and, of course, he bitterly regrets that he didn't listen me. If he hadn't left home (unnecessarily!), he wouldn't have had an accident, and he wouldn't have contracted the virus in the hospital! He is now coughing badly, struggling to breath, and hooked up to a machine to help with his oxygen levels.

I live overseas, and I've been unable to visit my father for the past year, due to lockdowns/travel restrictions, and, now, I may never see him again. I have gone through every emotion possible, from being extremely angry with him, for being so stubborn and irresponsible, to now being totally distraught, and beside myself with worry! Unless you are unfortunate enough to be in this position, you can not begin to imagine what it's like.

For all you selfish people out there, who think it's OK to go out and about, or to mix your bubbles, or to have people in your home, I want to say, it's not just about you! Try not to be so selfish, and start thinking about the people who love, and care about you. Because, at the end of the day, we're the ones who end up having to deal with all the heartache, worry and stress that you end up causing us ... just because you wanted to pop to the shops, or have a 'friend' in for coffee!!

Harmonypuss, your attitude is selfish and inconsiderate. It shouldn't be your decision about 'how much risk' to take.

You are gambling with the lives of others too. No wonder the virus has spread like wildfire. Some people still don't really 'get it', still spout the 'I'll take my chances' nonsense, still fail to realise the possible consequences.

Why should my friend, a nurse in a Covid ward, risk her life every day to care for ignorant people like you?

I am sorely tempted to suggest that those who choose to ignore the rules should be able to sign an alternative to DNR which would be DNHWC (do not hospitalise with Covid) - but of course I wouldn't dare.

When I reach 85, my kids had better not try telling me how to live or they will get an answer they won't like!

Advice is one thing, but she doesn't need to follow your orders. You've told her about the Covid rules and she understands them. That's the end of your responsibility in the matter.

Personally, I never TOLD my elderly father what to do, or how to live his life ... I asked him (and sometimes pleaded with him), not to go out, and not to have people in his home, because it wasn't safe for him to do so. Now, he has Covid, and his chances of recovery are slim. His choice, some might say, but his actions have put others at risk, and devastated the whole family.

You don't say if your mum might have early signs of dementia - it often begins by not being able to take on new advice or instructions.

If that is the definition of lack of capacity we are all going to have real problems as we get older. If someone wants to do things their way we should not immediately going for the dementia option. They are allowed to even if you don't agree or would do things differently.

Your poor mum. I'm afraid I see this as bullying. If she does have dementia you will need others to decide her capacity to make decision on her on behalf thankfully. You cannot just decide. Even with dementia people will retain levels of capacity for a long time and in different areas.

on own

I have also had many of the problems described with my elderly relatives. To be fair, their minds are definitely not working properly in the best of circumstances so perhaps it is not fair to expect them to easily understand.

What do I do personally? I go out once a week to get their shopping and my own shopping. I go for a walk a couple of times a week. In the past I have gone with one friend but, lately, I have walked alone.

It is hard. I agree with people who say the older people mustn't defy the advice given them but it must be a miserable existence to be, say, in your 80s or 90s and unable to mix with anyone or use things like Zoom etc.

It is easy to tell an older person to do this or that but I have the freedom to walk alone every day. I don't have to sit on my premises month after month.

Let's hope the vaccine works. Life won't get back to normal just like that but it will be a start.

I think lots of us have this frustration. I think that basically, if elderly relatives are of sound mind, they should be allowed to make their own decisions. There's no point making ourselves miserable over it. Give the advice once, and then let them get on with it. I may sound hard, but they are adults.

I understand how worrying your mother's behaviour is for you.
If it is any help, there are always stupid people and nothing can be done about that fact. Just carry on as you are doing and at least your mother will be all the happier for it.

Tangerine, old people are morally responsible for their decisions . Old age is not an excuse for irresponsible or stupid behaviour.

It is not proper for younger people to make unasked for decisions on behalf of elders, unless the elders have lost their minds.

PS I am 89 and I like not having to go out and about, doing small talk , and smiling to people I don't care about. I am never bored.
NB I dont claim to be typical of 89 year olds.