I'm so worried.

My stepmother was an alcoholic and lived with us from when I was 9 until I left at 14.
Home was a terrible place. Police picked her up from the gutter literally many nights and brought her home. She was often covered in vomit and urine. Violent tempers, dragging me out of the chair by my hair, smashed ornaments, shouting and threatening when she was drunk. She sold everything for cider and whisky, including herself to various men, and often stole from them too.
She was very intelligent, a dispensing chemist but the alchohol lost her that job. Went to be dried out 3 times in hospital but always straight back to the drink after. The nicest kindest person when she was sober but drink made her violent. She died in her 50s from a brain haemorrhage.
Tell your daughter it gets worse unless he gets professional help. She's looking at a life of lies, poverty and misery otherwise

sazz1

She dodged a huge bullet.

Her ex fiance and mother are bad news

She’s not to blame, as she is not responsible and she should never go back, it will be heartache and worse all the way for her..??‍♀️

You cannot beat the drink. Alcoholics are very plausible. They are good at telling fibs and good at hiding their addiction. Your daughter is on a hiding to nothing with this man and, believe me, I should know having had 12 years experience of this with someone.

Lived with it too - gradually stopped paying the bills and got to the point where he hadn't given me enough to pay the mortgage, so told him that if the money wasn't in the account by 1pm that same day his stuff would be on the lawn waiting for him to collect - I think he had to sleep in his car for weeks in November! He was driving drunk and had even started drinking mouthwash - it was awful, and was very good at turning things around on to me and everything being my fault ..... I found out after he had someone in MY HOUSE whilst I was lying on a surgical table having major neck surgery!! Glad it was all my house and I kept everything in my name - all he did was 'pay me rent' thank God!

My ex d.I.law is an alchoholic albeit one that goes into very expensive clinics for a month, comes out, ok for months and then back to the drink. The children have witnessed her in all the ugliness that alchoholics become when drunk, urinateing,vomiting, seizures. My friends sister is also an alchoholic and eventually she walked away because as all the previous posts say alchoholic are so very good at lies, lies and promises of giveing up drink. Your daughter is young and has her life ahead of her. Staying with this man will be nothing but misery.

Well that is emotional blackmail as others have said and he is doing the classic guilt tripping whilst not taking responsibility

1. She should contact Al Anon for support and advice (support for relatives/friends of alcoholics)
2. She should be clear that she will not return until he is ready to take responsibility for HIS problem ....and she has to stick to it.
3.If he is not able to admit his responsibility and take control of his problem she needs to split up with him. he will drag her down. She might well want to believe she can change him. Only HE can change himself

So sorry you are going through this

Thanks everyone, you've really helped me today. I get the feeling my daughter is already grieving for the relationship she once had with him. At some point I will show her all of your thoughts and comments. This has been my first ever post on gransnet and I've felt very supported. x

Please show her the comments here. if he is really motivated to change, then he will change - regardless of whether she is there or not. I used to work in a refuge and so many women went back to partners who promised to change - and never did. In fact, going back may well take away the one motivation he has to change! Your daughter is not his therapist or his mother - she needs to make sure that his wider family are aware of what's going on and then stand well back. Otherwise she is just setting herself (and any family they have) for a life of misery. Glad that she's got you to stand by her.

My ex was an alcoholic. They will only stop if they want to. I went to Al Anon a brilliant support group for those affected by the alcoholic, and would definitely recommend finding your local group. My best friend came with me for moral support at my first meeting and I attended for quite a while. I hope this helps.

I was brought up in Spain when drinking heavily was 'the norm'. My dad, bless him, didn't touch a drop. My brother, on the other hand...
I always said that I would not marry a drinker. I would tolerate ONE event of drunkenness, at the second I would walk out. DH has one drink in the evening, but only one.
There is no namby-pambying about this ... Tell your daughter to stay away and not look back!

I’m reminded of a Country and Western song called ‘you ain’t much fun since I stopped drinking’.
So I think that everything she knows about him, his moods, what he likes etc. Is coloured by the fact that he is usually under the influence, he might be a very different person when he is completely sober and if she stays with him she might not like the ‘new’ person.

Lululemon please please tell your dd to be very very careful. My dd married a man who turned out to be an alcoholic. He gave her no money for housekeeping as he was spending all his on booze. It took her ages to suss it out, tried to persuade him to go to AA or the doctors but he wouldn’t go. Cried, said he loved her and would change his ways. Unfortunately alcohol won the battle. He left once, and she took him back after he pleaded with her. The story repeated. He told lies all the time and couldn’t be trusted plus he occasionally became abusive. Finally we persuaded her to get out. That was 2 years ago and they are now divorced.

A catholic friend was married to an alcoholic for years. She put up with the broken promises, lies, several dry out rehabs that didn’t work, failing to collect the children from school as he was crashed out on the sofa so she had to give up her job and get part time jobs. Then she came home and found him in a drunken stupor and the cat dead in the washing machine. She left with the children. Immediately she looked 10 years younger.

These are 2 salutary tales. There are some alcoholics who do reform but be very careful.

Please ask your daughter to read all these replies. My son was going to leave his girlfriend, then found out she was pregnant and felt guilty so stayed with her (mistake). She was a lovely girl, but I used to go and clean their house a few times a year, as she just didn't, and in the fridge would be a box with a tap for alcohol, and I didn't really think much of it, as I'm teetotal. My son eventually left her, and he blames himself, thinking if he stayed she would change, but she wouldn't have - she was addicted. It ended up him having my darling grandson stay with him all the time, and just visit her, - all the time she would tell my son - if you come back I'll give up drink. She couldn't. She died of this last October, and even though it's dreadful, for my son and grandson, I feel she's at peace now. My son is not one to talk about things, but I know he will always have this guilt. I tell him - there was nothing you could do - she was just lonely and addicted, and it was up to HER to help herself, and I so wish she had. So sad.

Sadly the only advice is RUN and don’t look back. Good luck

You’ve probably read some of my posts regarding my late Brother.

2 failed marriages, 2 children that he literally ran away from (on the youngest child’s birthday) and never saw again.

Cause of death, Acute Alcohol Poisoning, found dead in his flat after Police broke the door down.

Can’t say much more than that, both wives said that if they had known what he would become they both would have walked away before they got married, his children’s memories are of a drunk father. He managed to stay off of the drink, hence wife number 2, but fell off of the wagon soon after.

Please ask your daughter to speak to a counsellor to work out her feelings before she embarks on giving the relationship another chance. Also, as somebody else said, tapping into AlAnon may be an eye opener.
You don't say whether your potential SIL has had rehab because without it, I'd be amazed if he had been able to come back from the depth of alcoholism which caused seizures.
My late brother was an alcoholic and he went from being an anxious but honest person to someone who would have sold their own granny to get money for booze, or later when he'd cracked the booze, drugs. It was a nightmare for everybody involved. Even when he was on the wagon, you always knew that it was easy for him to fall off. Indeed, the last time he fell off, it killed him because his body couldn't take the onslaught.
In the long run, addiction takes away all empathy and those standing in the wings are hurt so badly. Your daughter needs to know that before she makes her choice and she needs to find that out from someone other than you.

I would advise reading a very small book called "Co-Dependence No More" by Melanie Beattie. It helped me enormously when I was dealing with my Ex - Husband. Ask your daughter to also read it to see if she can identify the behaviours.

Alcoholics can change - they will always be alcoholics but they can be in recovery. However actions are what matters - addicts lie. If he does go to re-hab or really gets into AA all could be well. It is up to him - no one else can take any responsibility for his actions and she can encourage him, if she loves him but she must not become an enabler.

Like others, I feel it is not at all your daughter's fault. I expect her boyfriend's mother was lashing out because she is frightened and upset. That doesn't make it right of her to do so but it is possibly the motivation behind it.

I do not think your daughter should return and I do not think she ought to marry him. Let's hope, for his own sake, he gets the help he needs.

I wish all concerned the best of luck.

I used to work with people who had an alcohol addiction, and they will promise the earth. Some people do of course beat it, many don't. No way of telling yet. He needs to prove himself and spend quite some time dry to show he's kicked the addiction.even then he might relapse a few times before he can say he's free of it. Its your daughters choice, but she could continue to see him, without going back till he's proven himself to have kicked the habit

Please let her read these posts.
She will be upset, she could well be angry , you will be showing her what she already knows.

Such good advice here so you can direct her to the right area to talk if she needs it. I agree that it wouldn't help to say anything against him but, despite not knowing if our AC listen to anything we say, they do occasionally, much later, say 'it really helped when you said ....'. So I would keep saying to her that it is absolutely not her fault and to ignore his DM as she is just upset and lashing out. Also, because there was no sign of him drinking before might just mean that he hid it better. Try to bolster her confidence as much as you can, it must be so hard for her to lose the future she planned. She is already a victim of his alcoholism. I really like Humbertbear's mantra, if you feel she wouldn't like you discussing this on GN, you could tell her you've been looking into it online.

Please say to her, if he proves he is genuinely getting the right help, and does really want it. then there is a chance from a distance. I no

from experience, the promises etc. I spent 26 yrs with 4 children waiting on him getting sober. never happened. Died of alcohol abuse at 49. Iam still suffering 20 yrs later. His family blamed me for all the lies he told and still do.