I'm so worried.

Yesterday his mother sent my daughter a horrible message blaming my daughter for wrecking her son's life

No he wrecked it himself

Nell G is so right, I always believe actions speak louder than words. We really cannot control people’s decisions just be there for her.
And, it is not her fault, this is his problem, and he has to own it.
Perhaps she felt that she enabled him in the past?
I sincerely hope she doesn’t go back to him.

My father was an alcoholic. He ruined my, my brother's and my mother's life. Even after he died his influence carried on. He half heartedly tried AA, but always thought he knew better. He was a bomber pilot in the war and his tears as he (drunkenly) relived his missions gave a clue as to why he became what he was, though PTSD was not recognised in those days. We would all have been better off without him, in every conceivable way. On the other hand one of my best friends from uni hit rock bottom after decades of drinking, went to AA and somehow pulled himself out of his ditch and has not touched a drop since. he's now a wonderful mentor to other alcoholics and has returned to being the brilliant person we had lost sight of. I f she returns before he reforms his behaviour, he won't do it I would say. She can't make him stop drinking, only he can, and he needs to be able to do this with or without her; life is full of too many excuses to feel sorry for himself and reason he deserves a drink unless he has the resolve to stay sober on his own. Good luck to you all. I hope she doesn't inflict an alcoholic father on her future babies.

Riggie, I too had this accusation, “I have never seen him give up so much for a woman! (And there were dozens) as he has for you!”

Reeeeeeeally?

Lululemon

My 32 year old daughter was due to get married last August. A few months before that she found out her fiance had a problem with alcohol (drunk when she got home from work, he eventually had a seizure, hidden booze bottles etc). They've been on a break and been living apart for 6 months.He's saying everything would be ok if she went back to the flat to live. She feels so guilty and is wondering if she is to blame for it all. I feel so helpless and powerless.

He needs to sort himself out. If he can't get straight on his own then there is no help for him depending on a wife to do it for him.
Alcoholics need to have a great strength of will to kick the habit which needs to be 100% abstinence or nothing. There can be no half measures.
If she loves him, she needs to let him sort things out; if he loves her he needs to prove it my showing that his love is greater than alcohol.
Alcohol will continue to be a threat to his life and any family he has for the rest of his life.

The best thing she can do is to steer well clear . Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic . Her life would be nothing but a misery . It would be any excuse for him to have a drink and when he is drinking he would blame her for it . Nothing good could come from this relationship .

Florida12

Riggie, I too had this accusation, “I have never seen him give up so much for a woman! (And there were dozens) as he has for you!”

Reeeeeeeally?

Blimey, that statement was rancid with codependency and enabling eh?

I hope you are in a better place with such people now Florida12.

Sorry, but no. Run. In no way her fault and I doubt he will ever change because he can’t. I’ve seen the ruin alcoholics bring to families. No.

If he was going to stop he would have done so by now.If he wanted to.He's had 6months alone, he clearly doesnt want to stop. She would be a fool to go back.But you can't decide for her.?

He's had 6months alone*

A friend of mine married an alcoholic. They never had a social life together, because he was drunk most evenings. She couldn’t ask people round, for the same reason. She felt very lonely throughout the marriage, but felt she couldn’t leave, because he wouldn’t cope. Well, guess what - HE left HER for someone else! Although he did rehab, he relapsed, and his disease eventually killed him.

Your daughter does need to find out about co-dependency - enabling an alcoholic is a full-time job.

Someone very close to me went through this. The more addicted he became the harder she tried to keep things on track, She is a very ambitious and hardworking person. They got married and he then announced that he did not want children. No mention of that until they were married. Eleven years into the marriage she ended the relationship and the marriage. She met someone else, a very decent hardworking man, they are married and have two delightful children. They are a very happy family with love and mutual respect at the heart of their relationship.

Sadly, having grown up with an alcoholic father, he is highly unlikely to change. Growing or even living with someone with these issues is permanently stressful, painful and at points terrifying. Please persuade your daughter to accept his choices as he is highly unlikely to ever truly change, and walk away protecting herself from years of pain.

BlueBelle has summed the situation up very well, I want to add that your daughter has no need to feel guilty. It is not her fault that her fiancé drinks too much.

The person responsible for this sad state of affairs is him. It takes time for an alcoholic to realise that he needs professional help, but unless he does so, your daughter needs to be very clear about the risks of a relationship.

If she is prepared to live with or marry him, she needs to keep firm control of her own money, make sure there never is any form of alcohol in their home and be prepared to turn friends, either his or hers, away, if they turn up bringing drink in any form. She also needs to realise that even if he is sincerely willing to stop drinking there will be relapses - many of them, which she will need to deal with.

This can be done, but it is never easy - I know, as I have been there and done that. I honestly would not wish the same for anyone, even although I do love my husband, as I am sure she loves her fiancé.

Another point is, does she want children? Our problem started late in life, so there were not children to consider, only and adult son. Frankly, children deserve two sober parents.

My ex was an alcoholic I was with him 11 years and it was horrendous honestly the worst time of my life. It was hard with three babies to care for and absolutely no help. I found bottles hidden all over the house, shed, garden you name it. He was in a constant drunken haze and when he didn’t have a drink he got the DT’s barricading us in the house, ‘seeing’ men outside with guns hearing neighbours talking about him pressing my head against the wall because I said I couldn’t hear anything- and so much more. I left and struggled financially but it was the best thing I ever did for myself and the children. My 2nd DH is a wonderful husband, father and grandfather and we’ve been married 39 years my alcoholic ex died at just aged 50 due to the drink. Please tell your daughter to read these messages her life will be a misery if she goes back - virtual hugs to you both x

Alcoholics are very good at pointing the finger at everyone else to blame for their drinking. It is never their fault. They become controlling and deceitful (hence the hidden bottles). Nobody can help them. It has to be him that recognises his addiction and decides to do something about it. Actions speak louder than words here. Having endured 3 years of abusive hell from my alcoholic husband before our divorce I have one word to say to your daughter. RUN.

Some alcoholics do go into recovery and make better lives for themselves, it's not always hopeless. There was someone on here fairly recently who had bern sober for some time.
We should give credit to those people who struggle with addiction and then manage to overcome it.

I was married to an alcoholic. She has to make her own decision but imo she should run and keep on running. Alcoholics are arch manipulators. She's already wondering if it's her fault. That shows he's already in her head. He'll build on that to make it all her fault. Then she'll never escape because the guilt will be too great. Took me 37 years to manage to escape. Sadly others never do.

I know of one person whose partner was an alcoholic and did manage to give up the drink, by complete abstinence. However, I know many more people whose alcoholic other halves did not manage to give up the drink.
A very good friend married someone who turned out to be an alcoholic. He never worked, so everything was from her efforts, she had to keep getting him to the hospital when things went wrong, She had a rotten life. He became violent and eventually, she divorced him. He was entitled to enough to get himself somewhere to live but he didn't. As she said he pissed it up the wall, sorry to be crude but that's what happened, he died of alcohol-related causes at 50. The time between divorce and death involved him getting together with a fellow alcoholic and continuing to abuse her whenever possible
She joined AA support for family members and some of the stories she heard on there were hairraising, what the alcoholics put their families through

If [and I hope she doesn't,] she gets back together with him she would be well advised not to marry, and to keep good records of what she has spent on what to make it easy when they split eventually

Everything that your daughter needs to know are in these pages.
I had a friend who knowingly married an alcoholic. His own mother told her not to marry him. But she did, because he said he needed her help to give up drinking.
He didn't stop. He became violent and she was terrified to go home after work.
Please tell her not to have anything to do with him. There are people who can stop drinking, but they can relapse any time; for example at family occasions when someone can hand him a drink without knowing the consequences .
Please warn her, it is not her fault, and once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Even though they never touch another drop, the fear is still there.

Typical behaviour of someone who has a drink problem blaming others and saying all would be ok if... Your daughter had a lucky escape

My friend's daughter is just about to have the house repossessed. She can't afford the mortgage on her salary alone and her alcoholic husband isn't working. He has had so many chances to 'get clean' but the drink is more important. My advicr would be for goodness sake DON'T MARRY HIM unless he is prepared to give up drinking first.

I am sorry but it won't be ok. He'd need to be totally dry, without any relapses, for at least 2 years before I'd even think about giving it another go. She may be willing to sacrifice her peace of mind to risk living with him, but what if children came along? I have read far too many memoires of people who grew up with an alcoholic parent, and how it blighted their lives.

I believe your daughter should get out of such a relationship asap. It can be very difficult of course if you feel you love the person behind the illness of alcoholism and /or drugs. Sounds hard but the longer a person stays with a person who has such an addiction they themselves become part of the problem in that they can become the ‘enabler’ in trying to help and control a situation they have no control over. Then they find they have got themselves in a situation believing they cannot detach themselves without receiving professional help for themselves! Then before your daughter realises her own life has disappeared as she has drained all her own energy on trying to control her partner’s addiction! She will have become addicted to the partner’s addiction! Please don’t let her get into that trap.

What a nasty position for your daughter to be and I really hope that she doesn't cave in to his emotional blackmail!
It isn't her fault that he is like he is. Not as if she was feeding him the alcohol, was it?
I have had several friends either engaged to or married to someone and in a similar situation to your daughter. One in particular caved in and went back and despite all his promises, her fiance was still drinking to the point that she just about stopped going out socially with him because he either was falling over and injuring himself or picking fights.
It's the alcoholic's decision to stop and unless he does of his own volition, she is better away from him, hard as it might be.