Gransnet forums



(226 Posts)

GNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

Grannie2B Tue 27-Apr-21 16:29:25

about a three weeks ago I had bad news that my dear friend has Cancer. I also had good news that DIL is pregnant.

One afternoon I just got off the phone to my friend who informed me that her treatment was leaving her extremely tired, with a bad headache and vomiting many times during the day.
DS and DIL were over and after the call I said "Poor Sue, says it's really rough, I've not known anybody to be Ill like it"

To which DIL said "I feel the same and it's awful"
I was gob smacked! Luckily my DH jumped in and said "But you're not ILL are you!"

DIL is vomiting quite a bit throughout the day even when visiting our house and I'm sure it's taking its a bit hard being as it's her first time but how dare she say that when my friend is sick with CANCER!

When DS and DIL left me and DH had a long conversation about the audacity of DIL and decided that we wouldn't tolerate her selfishness like that again. DH was angry she said that to me knowing how upset I was about my friend.
Now when ever DIL whinges about being pregnant me and DH both remind her that she isn't Ill. I can't bear to hear her complaining for the next two trimesters when my friend is really suffering.
This was just a rant to get it off my chest.

GrannyGravy13 Tue 27-Apr-21 16:31:30

Some women feel extremely ill throughout their pregnancies, constantly vomiting is in itself debilitating.

Hithere Tue 27-Apr-21 16:35:02

Yes, cancer is a terrible disease but being pregnant is not fun either.

Unless your dil has a history of upping everybody's tragedies and making them her own, your dh should apologize.
You don't want to jeopardize your relationship with the parents of the child, right?

tanith Tue 27-Apr-21 16:35:50

Could be your Dil made the remark without thinking, feeling dreadful as she probably does but not taking into account your friends illness. It does sound a bit harsh to say she’s selfish when it was at worst thoughtless.

Maggiemaybe Tue 27-Apr-21 16:39:22


Some women feel extremely ill throughout their pregnancies, constantly vomiting is in itself debilitating.

Indeed it is, GrannyGravy13. Some women end up in hospital because of hyperemesis, and if your DIL has it, I'd say she is ill, OP. Can you not spare a bit of sympathy for her as well as for your friend? I'm sure they'd both appreciate any support that's going.

AGAA4 Tue 27-Apr-21 16:39:54

Pregnancy sickness is awful and I am sure your DiL is suffering.

It was a bit insensitive of her to say it was the same as your friend as cancer is a serious illness and the outcome not always good. It sounds to me as though she was just sympathising with being sick all day and not implying she is as ill as your friend.

I can understand how upset you are about your friend but feel you are being a bit harsh with your DiL.

Doodle Tue 27-Apr-21 16:40:40

I find your post a bit strange. If the conversation went as you reported it, all your DIL was saying was that she knew what it felt like to feel really sick and vomiting. I would have thought she was sympathising with your friend rather than comparing what she was going through to cancer.
I think you are understandably upset that a dear friend is so ill but I doubt your DIL meant anything by her comment.
Personally if I was your DIL and every time I mentioned feeling sick or nauseous you told me I wasn’t ill I doubt if I’d be visiting much. Do you not get on?

Redhead56 Tue 27-Apr-21 16:42:32

I spent my first pregnancy in hospital because I was so poorly. However your dear friend is really ill and there is no comparison. Some people say the wrong thing without thinking.
I hope your friends treatment is successful and I wish you well?

Loislovesstewie Tue 27-Apr-21 16:44:05

I had all day, all pregnancy morning sickness when I was pregnant. It was very unpleasant, and I had to take bed rest because I vomited so much. I actually lost weight! No, it's not cancer, but it is still very unpleasant and also debilitating. I actually feel sorry for her if you both keep reminding her that she is only pregnant, perhaps she could do with some understanding too. If you haven't had sickness all day every day throughout pregnancy then you have no understanding of how awful you can feel.
BTW I do have sympathy for your friend too.

Hithere Tue 27-Apr-21 16:45:44

"Now when ever DIL whinges about being pregnant me and DH both remind her that she isn't Ill. I can't bear to hear her complaining for the next two trimesters when my friend is really suffering."

How do you dare tell a pregnant woman she is not ill and she has no right to mention it?

Who gave you the authority to determine who is sicker and has more "rights" to voice their suffering?

I truly hope dil and son stand up for themselves and tell you off.

M0nica Tue 27-Apr-21 16:46:19

I get your point, but I also think your attitude to your DiL leaves you at risk of cruising for a bruising. Pregnancy is not an illness per se, but you can still be very ill when you are pregnant.

Some pregnant women experience such severe nausea and vomiting. They are unable to keep food or drink down, This excessive nausea and vomiting is known as hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), and often needs hospital treatment.
The Duchess of Cambridge suffered from it in her first pregnancy.

There are other conditions pregnant women suffer from that makes them ill and can require hospital treatment, pre-eclampsia, for example that can lead to loss of the child.

I agree your DiL was a tactless and shouldn't have said what she said, but if she is as ill as she sounds with 'morning' sickness, it is easy to say something that with hindsight she may realise was not wise.

In the meanswhile if you and your DH react to her in such an antagonistic way, I forecast that 9 months from now you will be posting on the estrangement thread, asking why your DiL will not let you see your grandchild.

Ask yourself, when feeling ill or under stress of any kind have you never ever said sonething you later regret?

BlueBelle Tue 27-Apr-21 16:48:06

What an huge overreaction on your behalf it’s not a competition she just remarked that feeling and being sick is horrible and she knows how horrid it is as she’s having a lot of sickness herself She didnt sound as if she was competing against your friend but commiserating that it’s horrible to be like that

I think you sound like harsh parents in law she might be in for a rough ride as time goes by

I hope your friend gets better chemo is often very harsh on the body, poor lady

Bibbity Tue 27-Apr-21 16:52:15

So you’re being horrible to her and showing no compassion and kindness because someone else is ill?

She is ill. And if you can’t stand to be around her while she suffers for the next two trimesters don’t you dare go sniffing around her when she delivers the child she made these sacrifices for.

Women still die in pregnancy. It’s very much a risk to the mother.

March Tue 27-Apr-21 16:57:17

She was sympathetic to your friend. She wasn't comparing being Pregnant to Cancer.

She knows what it's like to throw up all the time and knows how awful it is.

Pregnancy is bloody awful. You don't get to tell a pregnant woman she doesn't feel ill. You DO feel ill.
If you've got nothing nice to say to your DIL during her pregnancy, don't see her.

Loislovesstewie Tue 27-Apr-21 16:58:18

BTW, some women have terminated the pregnancy because they have such awful so-called morning sickness. Perhaps that gives a clue as to how awful it can be.

JaneJudge Tue 27-Apr-21 16:58:28

I think the original poster is just upset about her friend's illness which is quite awful to witness as an outsider and is projecting that upset and anger onto her daughter in law making an unintentional upsetting remark. I'm sure she didn't mean it Grannie. I think you've got the message women can be ill when pregnant. I hope your friends prognosis is good x

Bibbity Tue 27-Apr-21 16:58:59

There are women who have actually died from GD. I believe it easily leads to kidney and other organ failures.

Vickysponge Tue 27-Apr-21 17:11:08

Cut your daughter in law some slack for heavens sake. Sickness during pregnancy is debilitating and exhausting. Mine continued for months. You and your Husband sound cold and uncaring. Complete overreaction on your part.

Jaxjacky Tue 27-Apr-21 17:18:26

Yes, your DIL was a bit tactless, she’s experiencing something new and not nice, I doubt she meant a direct comparison. I’d go gently with her, offer some tlc and hopefully your relationship will be fine.
Your friend will need different support for a totally different situation, I’m sure you’ll be there for her and I wish her well.

M0nica Tue 27-Apr-21 17:35:56

My 'morning' sickness was 24/7 and lasted until a few weeks before DS was born. I ended my pregnancy weighing a stone less than when it started.

It was horrible, trying to ensure I consumed enough food to nourish my little one, worrying whether my inability to eat would affect his health and well being as a baby or even for life. I was definitely ill.

Loislovesstewie Tue 27-Apr-21 17:38:59

I was sick until the baby was born, oh the relief!

Harris27 Tue 27-Apr-21 17:45:17

Morning sickness is awful she probably didn’t mean what she said and perhaps. She just wanted a bit of attention.

AmberSpyglass Tue 27-Apr-21 17:48:48

Enjoy not having a relationship with your DIL, son or GC then.

janeainsworth Tue 27-Apr-21 17:48:53

If I’d been suffering from constant vomiting while pregnant and my inlaws had told me to pull myself together because I wasn’t ill, they’d have got very short shrift.

I’m sorry your friend is so ill OP, but I don’t envy your DiL having you and your H for inlaws.

gt66 Tue 27-Apr-21 17:52:09

YES YABU! Completely over the top reaction to her comment. Surely she was only commiserating with the sickness part?

Different causes, but same symptons.