PREGNANT NOT ILL

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I think your d.I.l. was rather insensitive and tactless.....no need to be get so angry about it. Your friend’s serious illness is getting to you . Cancer is a horrible disease. I hope you calm down and relax . Good luck x

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Grannie2B, 'just a rant' - just as well!

Feeling sick all day (whatever the cause) is bloody miserable. If somebody else has something worse it makes not a jot of difference.

Is your sympathy rationed in some way? How weird!

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Not sure I’ve ever read a post started by such an awful individual. You make your DiL sound like she should be totally subservient to your will. What culture are you from that thinks it’s normal for your son and future family to live with you? That would be my idea of a living hell. I’d say that the vast majority of gransnetters have excellent relationships with all members of their families.

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Sorry for your friend but how horrible and insensitive to your poor DiL! While I was working I had to give daily anti-sickness injections to some pregnant women who in between ended up in HOSPITAL on a drip with hyperemesis! What were you and your husband thinking off!!! Have you not read the threads about estrangement? I get that you are sad about your friend but seriously you are being really selfish and if I was your DiL I would not want to see you!!!!!

I don't fear no-contact because I treat my daughter-in-law and sons-in-law with respect. I try to find the good in them and do my very best to overlook anything I perceive to be negative. I try to look at the people my adult children have chosen as much as possible through their eyes and see the positives they bring into our life. If you like people, it tends to draw you closer.

I think you are, sadly, by your comments and lack of concern for your daughter-in-law's difficult pregnancy, pushing them away.

Her remark very much sounds (to me) as a clumsy way of expressing sympathy for someone feeling sick so often. It may have "come out" wrong - but nobody could really think she was downplaying the misery of a cancer diagnosis or comparing her predicament to that of your friend.

Please don't run out of empathy here. Your dear friend is ill - and is vomiting with it. It's horrible. Yes.
Your dear daughter-in-law is also being sick. She may or may not actually be sick (we don't know this do we?), but It's definitely not fun for her either. Please find it in your heart to empathise with them both.

I do hope your friend recovers in due course and your daughter-in-law suffers no other complications.

I hope you can build bridges here.
Good luck.

Two years ago I watched my best friend die from cancer. It was awful.

Yes, pregnancies can be hard, but people need to remember that going through chemo is effectively having poisons pumped directly into your blood stream, and they affect everything! There is not only sickness to deal with, there is also chemo rash where itchy little blisters filled with what feels like acid form and burst, there is confusion, weight loss, muscle loss, diarrhea, exhaustion to the point of collapse, not to mention susceptibility to every little germ out there where contraction can be very serious, very quickly, and I'm talking about blue light ambulance journey to try to save a life. And that was just from the chemo, not from the cancer, the cancer brings it's own problems to the game.

People can choose to have children, no one chooses to have cancer.

Savvy, agreed that chemo is terrible - but why the comparison in the first place? That's what I really can't understand.

It's as if DIL isn't allowed to complain at all - because a friend is ill. Where does that make any sense?

OP well this has been a diatribe of judgemental self centred nonsense if ever I have seen one.

Me me me me me how I feel it’s about my feelings..... knock it off.

You DIL made a slightly insensitive comment - you reaction is completely and utterly disproportionate.

The complete nonsense that has followed about “your place”.... come off it - are you for real?

Your place in your soon to be GC’s life is a supporting extended role. Any other ideas you have and I fear you are about to be sorely disappointed.

So if you can get this wound up about a woman trying and failing to sympathise with you, I sincerely suggest you try a bit of self reflection, because your reaction to remind her “she’s not ill she’s pregnant” is nothing more that petty, reductive, retaliatory and an attempt to cause problems and hurt your DIL. Why? Why would you want to hurt her? Is that fun for you? Do you feel better? Does it feed your ego? Make you feel like the matriarch you seem to aspire to be?

To reply to the initial query - yes you are be unreasonable. Your reaction and that of your husband to be petty is something I’d expect from a child unable to process their emotions and lashing out. It’s pretty sad actually.

Just curious. What is daughter-in-laws position?

I remember pregnancy as some of the times I have been the sickest in my life. I did also almost literally die giving birth.

No, it's not cancer but that doesn't mean your DIL isn't ill. Maybe her comment was a bit self-centered or maybe it was an attempt to sympathise by relating it to her experience. You might not be able to relate to a difficult pregnancy but you can at least express sympathy for her difficulties at this time. Your friend is struggling but so is your DIL. It doesn't mean that her suffering doesn't count.

Your attitude to your son's family is likely to push them away.

Norah

Just curious. What is daughter-in-laws position?

Sit down, be quiet and let the MIL rule her son's household is the impression I'm getting.

Wow it seems OP’s family are brought up to respect their elders but not the other way round.
I suspect you live in a completely different culture where DiL’s move in with the parents.

That is not how our culture works. MiL does not rule the roost.

Your poor DiL is suffering. Show some kindness. I have had chemo and all it entails but would not have found your DiL’s remarks offensive. Yes she is ill. Vomiting makes you ill whatever the cause.

I expect your DiL dreads coming to see you. Is that how you want your relationship to be? The only reason she comes is because she is scared not to and your son makes her or are you going to cut her out and just concentrate on the GC.
Do you have rules about seeing them also or will you respect DiL’s wishes?

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As another who was sick for the entire nine months I have to say it was no picnic in the park.
Your outburst does not bode well for the future with your DIL.

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Bluebelle
I was surprised to see a post deleted, to be honest I can’t remember what I said, but I don’t think I said anything that was especially horrible.

But who is the troll HQ ?

I think both you & I used the t-word Sara.
notspaghetti I treat my daughter-in-law and sons-in-law with respect. I try to find the good in them and do my very best to overlook anything I perceive to be negative. I try to look at the people my adult children have chosen as much as possible through their eyes and see the positives they bring into our life. If you like people, it tends to draw you closer.
??
That’s my aim too.

Having read all the posts I suspect that Grannie2b comes from a very different culture from the majority of people on here. Are you perhaps from a Traveller family Grannie?
In this type of culture it is common for young couple to live with parents at the start. Also DILs treat elders with respect and 'know their place'. Boys are encouraged to be manly and little girls to be housewifely from an early age. Attitudes are similar to the early 1950s, with lots of other tradition too. It's not usual for pregnancy to be regarded as a vulnerable time and many young mums are not monitored health-wise. Etc etc. And "family" rules.
If Grannie2b comes from this type of cultural background then everything she has said makes perfect sense; however insensitive it appears to us.