PREGNANT NOT ILL

I am very sorry that your friend is suffering and that her cancer treatment is making her so ill , but your reaction to your daughter in law's comment is extreme. Being sick all day is not easy, it is frightening, and your remarks about your daughter in law, and mother of your grandchild, are gross.
'how dare she say that'
'her audacity, her selfishness, her whinges;
she's not ill, she's pregnant.'
I hope your son never hears them.
You are the in-laws from hell.

Some women are extremely ill when pregnant. A friend of mine ended up spending 5 months in hospital. My eldest daughter had to be hospitalised due to dehydration due to constant vomiting.

Let the poor girl tell you that she feels awful. Empathise.

Just shouting that she's pregnant and not ill is actually rather cruel.

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend. I’m just dealing with my DS’s cancer treatment so I can see why you were upset at the time.
My experience of sickness in pregnancy was that it was dreadful and debilitating.
Your DIL’s comment sounds as if she was being sympathetic, not making a comparison between cancer and her pregnancy.
You could give her the benefit of the doubt. It will be in your best interests as future GPs.
If you ever visit Mumsnet you will find lots of posts about unsympathetic MIL and how their access to GC will be limited because of the upset they cause by words or actions.
If you and your DH are going to do what you say, you may well find yourself suffering the same treatment.
I hope your son is a good husband and supports his wife.

How dare she/audacity/ won’t tolerate/......
Your language says it all about your narrow minded attitude.

She made a slightly dubious comment that’s all.

pregnancy can be so debilitating, i had constant sickness and then bells palsy that lasted for the last three months i could hardly eat or drink and ended up going in and out of hospital to be put on a drip because of de-hydration, then the carpal tunnel....try sleeping with constant pins and needles, i have also had cancer and i know they are not the same but being pregnant can still leave you feeling ill. if you were my mil and said but you are not ill...you would only say it twice and i would be out the door, try saying sorry and show a bit of empathy, remember your son might not always be around to take your grandchild to visit you if you dil does not feel welcome in your home.

So she made an insensitive comment, which has obviously hurt you, but to be honest I think you are very much overreacting.
As has been said, sickness in pregnancy is horrible, you are showing a lot of sympathy for your poor friend, try and spare some for your daughter in law.

I'd feel the same as the op, but I wouldn't say anything.

When you’re young you don’t understand many things. When I look back to being a young mother with children my whole world was taken up with them. I hope that doesn’t make me a bad person. I look back in horror with insensitive things I said sometimes but I was young.

My first pregnancy was appalling. I was rushed to hospital with severe dehydration and stuck on a drip. I was sick pretty well every day for the whole pregnancy. My daughter was born early and was tiny. Yes, I was ill. This was forty years ago and I can still remember having a carrier bag fixed to my dining chair to throw up in! Yes I know pregnancy itself isn’t an illness, but some ladies do become ill from the associated ‘symptoms’ and I was one of them. The original poster should think very carefully about what she had said to her DiL. Just because her friend is suffering doesn’t mean that no one else is allowed to admit to feeling ill.

Maggiemaybe

GrannyGravy13

Some women feel extremely ill throughout their pregnancies, constantly vomiting is in itself debilitating.

Indeed it is, GrannyGravy13. Some women end up in hospital because of hyperemesis, and if your DIL has it, I'd say she is ill, OP. Can you not spare a bit of sympathy for her as well as for your friend? I'm sure they'd both appreciate any support that's going.

Some women are hospitalised because of hyperemesis, one being the Duchess of Cambridge.

I felt ill throughout my first pregnancy, sick, as if I had flu and so tired I slept about 18 hours a day.

Sympathy, kindness and understanding should not be a limited resource and I hope you can find enough for both your friend and your DIL.

Both need your love and support.

Sickness is relative to each person. If someone has a headache you can’t say they don’t just because somebody else might have a brain tumour. You shouldn’t be comparing. I’d be very careful or you risk losing your DIL and DS and new GC. Take a breath and step back a little.

Geanny2B What a Peach you are, I am sorry for your DIL. She is ill, I was sick during my pregnancy, it was a horrible time. I lost so much weight.

How dare you both talk to her that way, and as for I wont have this and that, you are right, you may not get anything least of all access to your Grandchild.

Apologise and hope she accepts it, that's if you want a relationship with your Grandchild, or you could risk ending up on the estrangement thread.

Now when ever DIL whinges about being pregnant me and DH both remind her that she isn't Ill.

Why does your DIL keep visiting you if you are both so intolerant of how she is feeling?

She must be a glutton for punishment or very, very tolerant.

Grannie2be. I think you are just gutted by your friends news and could not cope with anyone minimizing your grief (in your eyes)

Hope by now you have realised your DIL meant no harm. Does anyone actually say the “right” thing in situations like this?

Your response is a person who is gutted by the news she has received. Been there - believe me. BUT please don’t alienate your family. You have a grandchild to look forward to and in meantime you will support your friend as much as you can.

Polarbear
That is exactly right

To all those who are saying I should be careful or I'll be on the estrangement thread.

I'll not be held over a barrel where seeing my GC is concerned. Am I to run round and take all kinds of rubbish just incase they swipe the child away to punish me

People are saying they were in hospital with their pregnancies I do sympathise, it must have felt awful but you were PREGNANT not I'll. It will any an illness and it may feel awful and drain you but it isn't an illness and today's mums behave like it is all of them "Nearly died" giving birth these days. Never mind women have been pregnant and given birth for generations since time began.

There are a few anti-sickness preparations that can be taken during pregnancy. A GP will advise.

Well if you expected everyone to feel for you I think you misjudged it Granny2b There is no competition you can feel grieved for your friend and still be sympathetic to your daughter in law and as for your husband I d love to see him being sick and in pain for 9 months and then tell him to pull himself together at the birth
Oh my sides would ache
Learn a bit of kindness or else I hope for their sakes your son will not bring his family to visit you two ‘gems’ , too often

DDs best friend was hospitalised because of sickness, she had it fir nine months with all three of her pregnancies. The duchess of cambridge also had it, your poor DIL.

You crack on then, keep acting like you're doing and speaking they way you are to your DIL but when they don't visit you often, please don't wonder why.

Grannie2B

To all those who are saying I should be careful or I'll be on the estrangement thread.

I'll not be held over a barrel where seeing my GC is concerned. Am I to run round and take all kinds of rubbish just incase they swipe the child away to punish me

People are saying they were in hospital with their pregnancies I do sympathise, it must have felt awful but you were PREGNANT not I'll. It will any an illness and it may feel awful and drain you but it isn't an illness and today's mums behave like it is all of them "Nearly died" giving birth these days. Never mind women have been pregnant and given birth for generations since time began.

I’m glad you’re not my MIL.....

Grannie2B
You sound very hard hearted towards your daughter in law, if you keep up this attitude, I think you’re asking for trouble, and don’t forget, your son will always take his wife’s side!

People did and still do die in childbirth though, it's hardly risk free.

I’m sure your friend would be upset if she knew she was the unwitting cause of your unkindness to your dil, the mother of your future grandchild.
And as for your husband speaking up - how many pregnancies has he had?
I hope you will make kinder grandparents than you do parents- in-law.

Oh I think some compassion is needed. My daughter was very poorly with her first pregnancy and lost so much weight due to terrible sickness. It is awful to deal with on a daily basis.