I think, I hope, that you are seriously underestimating your son, if not I pity your poor daughter in law.
Being moved along by someone who "wants your place".
Tales about "stingy" guests and hosts.
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about a three weeks ago I had bad news that my dear friend has Cancer. I also had good news that DIL is pregnant.
One afternoon I just got off the phone to my friend who informed me that her treatment was leaving her extremely tired, with a bad headache and vomiting many times during the day.
DS and DIL were over and after the call I said "Poor Sue, says it's really rough, I've not known anybody to be Ill like it"
To which DIL said "I feel the same and it's awful"
I was gob smacked! Luckily my DH jumped in and said "But you're not ILL are you!"
DIL is vomiting quite a bit throughout the day even when visiting our house and I'm sure it's taking its a bit hard being as it's her first time but how dare she say that when my friend is sick with CANCER!
When DS and DIL left me and DH had a long conversation about the audacity of DIL and decided that we wouldn't tolerate her selfishness like that again. DH was angry she said that to me knowing how upset I was about my friend.
Now when ever DIL whinges about being pregnant me and DH both remind her that she isn't Ill. I can't bear to hear her complaining for the next two trimesters when my friend is really suffering.
This was just a rant to get it off my chest.
I think, I hope, that you are seriously underestimating your son, if not I pity your poor daughter in law.
Grannie2B
I haven't insulted anybody or been rude all I have done anything other than state why dils comments were unacceptable especially in our family and in her position
Well, actually you have told us that our DILs hold us to ransom with the children so I feel insulted and think it is rude.
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It's a new and beautiful world which is also a minefield - becoming Grand-parents.
Commiserations on the diagnosis of your friend. You must feel quite distraught.
Congratulations on your forthcoming Grandchild.
Being young I think your Ddil was going for empathy. She won't be the only person to say something thing at the wrong time.
She may well be mortified her remark was taken in the way you have construed.
I hope you can move on from this moment & can give her the support in your family that she may need.
Best wishes
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Plenty of the responses have been about fear of NC if I don't pander to Dil. That's no way to live
Grannie2B you’ve been asked before but I didn’t see a reply.
Do your son and DIL live with you in your house? Is that why you think you can control their lives?
Not everyone is saying you should be careful because of possible estrangement. Many on this thread are saying, in answer you your OP question, yes you are being unreasonable.
Granny2B this forum is largely self- moderating, and making a suggestion is not ‘inciting’, which is a rather emotive word.
By all means don’t pander to your DiL.
But one day you may find she’s not there to pander to.
If she has any sense, that is.
A baby shark might do this one
No they do not live with me Dil didn't want to do that although oldest son's usually live in the parents house with their wives and children in my family
Lol I wonder why she didn't want to live with you - what a no brainer!
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My thoughts exactly Deedaa
Assuming this is true, it’s irrelevant what you think or want OP. Either both parents sensibly agree to leave you alone and not get involved, or the DIL becomes your ex-DIL and it’s up to your son to facilitate contact. You may think it’s a threat or a tantrum, but the thing is - it doesn’t matter what you think. Kick off all you want now, at least you’re showing your true colours.
Does your DIL have family of her own locally?
I think your pregnancies were all very healthy ones, Grannie2B. You must have sailed through them without any problems, without months of constant nausea and vomiting every meal. How lucky you were. Perhaps you went back to your parents' home for the pregnancy and the birth, where you were surrounded by love and care and could relax with your familiar family around you.
Sorry Grannie2b, but I think you need to sit down and think very carefully about your attitude.
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I think too from the way you said that it was usual, that you would have liked to have your oldest son with his wife living with you, where you could continue to treat him as you did when he was single, and be the central person in his life. Instead he and his wife are living away from you, and you blame her for this, so you are quick to find fault with her. Are you as quick to find fault with your own children? If you are, they will not be very keen to live with you either, so you could face a lonely old age.
This is a nasty thread full of very nasty assumptions about grandparents who have become estranged and how it is something to do with how they brought their children up.
This is horribly unfair to the ladies here who speak very honestly and openly of their experiences of estrangement. I feel horrible thinking of them reading this, particularly since most of them have not pulled out a conversational cracker like the one detailed in this thread.
My MIL and I weren’t on the best terms during my pregnancies, most of which I spent in and out of hospital with an IV in the back of my hand for HG, kidney failure, gestational diabetes, HELLP syndrome, pre eclampsia, heart failure and a last birth that really did “nearly kill me,”, but she was at all times genuinely concerned and supportive of my various health troubles and would have rounded like a viper on anyone who suggested I “wasn’t ill”.
Some of us are just not very good at being pregnant, and only comparatively recently has death in pregnancy and childbirth become an uncommon event in this country, for which we thank the NHS and God (in that order). I didn’t know I wasn’t cut out for gestating until I tried it (although you can say but the third time I should probably have known better...)
I know the pain and fear of losing friends before their time, but please, please do not displace that fear and grief onto DIL for an awkward comment that was most likely an attempt to show empathy for your poor friend.
Grannie2B
Plenty of the responses have been about fear of NC if I don't pander to Dil. That's no way to live
Being ranted at by a mother-in-law if you dare mention that you feel rotten is no way to live either. As the woman and mother of the house, you set the tone for all who live there, or who visit family. You can make it a happy home where love reigns, or a prison where resentment and tongue-lashings are normal. You are telling us that you prefer the latter, if we are to believe you. To me, you sound like a caricature mother-in-law, the kind that appear in fictional dramas.
Grannie2B
No they do not live with me Dil didn't want to do that although oldest son's usually live in the parents house with their wives and children in my family
Am I right in thinking your son has married out of his culture? I take it that was his choice.
You say you don't know your daughter-in-law's upbringing. Have you ever asked her?
You need to meet this young woman at least halfway over your blinkered expectations about her acceptance of "knowing her place" in your family and "not piping up."
She's your equal. She's not subservient or a child.
Treat her with respect or you will surely live to regret it.
Like others *Grannie2B, I am beginning to wonder if you are real.
The only reason anybody has given me to accept that awful comment was just in case Dil won't let me see GC. That's not right and I'll not be held to ransom. That's not how a family should run is it. On fear?
To begin with your DiL's comment was not awful. Tactless and a unfortunate, but little more than that. Your response was way over the top. To begin with pregnancy is not an illness but it is associated with a lot of illness and threats to the long term health and life of the mother. If your DiL is suffering from nausea as badly as you describe, she is definitely ill and her health and the welfare of the baby could be damaged by inadequate nutrition.
Secondly you come across as domineering and dominating, assuming you have rights to see your grandchild when it arrives,r egardless of any wishes the parents may have. I would imagine that when the baby is born you will be telling your son and wife how the baby is to be looked after and how it is to be brought up. Quite fankly you sound a nightmare.
All this tosh about family values and other members of the family telling your son and wife what they are to do. They have absolutely no right to, nor have you any right to try and impose them on your son and wife, if they choose to ignore them.
Read GN properly and you will find it full of women with the best and happiest relationships with their sons and d'sil. Relationships based on love, kindness and mutual respect, not dominating, domineering, bullying and disrespect.
I suspect there’s more to it than just this conversation. Granny2B is already talking about the baby as ‘my GC’, and sneering at her daughter-in-law over a possibly tactless, but quite innocent remark. It looks to me like a bad relationship is going to get a lot worse in the not too distant future,
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