PREGNANT NOT ILL

Exactly Bluebelle.

janeainsworth

I think both you & I used the t-word Sara.
notspaghetti I treat my daughter-in-law and sons-in-law with respect. I try to find the good in them and do my very best to overlook anything I perceive to be negative. I try to look at the people my adult children have chosen as much as possible through their eyes and see the positives they bring into our life. If you like people, it tends to draw you closer.
??
That’s my aim too.

I used the t word 2.

I am assuming it is a cultural issue. Makes you realise just how lucky most of us are in our relationships. Many have to live with very different attitudes towards younger members of a family. What we might call abuse, in fact.

Not the same but some pregnancies are difficult with excessive morning sickness. Duchess of Cambridge suffered from this. Yes, it does end and there is a gift at the end of the nine months, not to be compared with this awful illness. I hope your friend conquers cancer and rings the bell.

I not only used the t word, I added a picture. ?.
I regret that I let myself be dragged into this sorry tale of the domineering and deliberately unkind behaviour that the OP wants us to believe she thinks is right, but apart from that . . .
Having talked to my DD about the thread, I learned that actually, the OP is not the only person who is like that.
In DD’s job, she deals with the aftermath of such MIL problems and with increasing frequency, as DILs in such families pluck up the courage to seek help.
Sadly, she added, some sons are often so used to being dominated by their mother that in their weakness, they are part of the problem.

I agree Mollygo. It's more common than we probably think. Also why we haven't seen my MIL in 18 years.

I hope your friend responds well to treatment.A family member went through Chemo recently and is doing well.But it's awful.I imagine your DIL'S comment was a bit flippant and that she is suffering too.Yes it's not in the same category by any means.I suffered with Hyperemesis G from 5 weeks until 30! It was hell on earth and my organs were failing! All was OK in the end thankfully but people said to me then"youre not ill,you're pregnant" I was both! Your DIL could be suffering terribly.Please be kind and help her and your friend....

I am very sorry about your friend but I think you and your Dh are over reacting.
Seriously the last thing you want is your dil to get fed up of your comments,you may push her away and the relationship could end,then think about your unborn g/child.
Surely you don`t want to jeopardise that.

Molly
I think we’ve all been dragged in, because we find the whole situation so distasteful, some of us clearly doubt if this is a genuine poster, because it’s so hard to imagine anyone genuinely holds such views.

It is unreasonable to compare levels of suffering!
Both your D in L and your friend have their problems and it is unfair of you to negate what you consider is the lesser of the two.
Would you be adopting this attitude if it was your own daughter and not your D in law I wonder.?

MAB.. I have been thinking exactly the same,a traveller family...

My DiL was pregnant with her first child whilst my Mum was dying, when AS and DiL visited her at our home and then in The Hospice the first thing my Mum and any other family members present asked was how are you (DiL had 5 weeks to go).

The whole family were concerned for both my DiL and my dear Mum who desperately wanted to hang on to see another of her GGC.

It was never a competition, it was a loving family looking forward to a new arrival and the inevitable saying goodbye to the much loved and adored Matriarch of our family.

Shinamae the OP refers to the DiL visiting her at her house.

I can understand you were worried about your friend, but it wasn't an 'awful comment' was it? You said that you had never known anyone to be sick all day every day, and your poor DiL pointed out that actually that was just how she was feeling too. Your reaction must have felt like a kick in the teeth to her, and I do think you are storing up trouble for yourself and future relationships.

Can you not see that from the wealth of advice you have been given above, you need to do some urgent bridge building? No one is holding you to ransom, we are just trying to stop you letting concern for your friend wreck your relationship with DDiL and DS

In a few months time @Grannie2B will start a thread titled ' Why won't my DS and Dil let me see my Grandchild'.

I don't think we need to assume anything about anyone's culture or background, the OP is using it as an excuse to bully and intimidate and push her own agenda.

Ladyleftfieldlover

Sorry Grannie2b, but I think you need to sit down and think very carefully about your attitude.

I don't think Granny2b is going to do that, Ladyleftfieldlover

She has asked AIBU and has been told that yes, she is, but rejects that advice in no uncertain terms.

Granny2b you ask AIBU? Then say
This was just a rant to get it off my chest.

So there was really no point in asking us.

It's nothing to do with using the DGC as ransom - it is a case of your DIL avoiding a toxic relationship for the sake of her and her family's wellbeing.

I hope you have a rethink and that your DH does too.

Culture is not a justification for abuse

Hithere

Culture is not a justification for abuse

Exactly!

Grannie2B

about a three weeks ago I had bad news that my dear friend has Cancer. I also had good news that DIL is pregnant.

One afternoon I just got off the phone to my friend who informed me that her treatment was leaving her extremely tired, with a bad headache and vomiting many times during the day.
DS and DIL were over and after the call I said "Poor Sue, says it's really rough, I've not known anybody to be Ill like it"

To which DIL said "I feel the same and it's awful"
I was gob smacked! Luckily my DH jumped in and said "But you're not ILL are you!"

DIL is vomiting quite a bit throughout the day even when visiting our house and I'm sure it's taking its a bit hard being as it's her first time but how dare she say that when my friend is sick with CANCER!

When DS and DIL left me and DH had a long conversation about the audacity of DIL and decided that we wouldn't tolerate her selfishness like that again. DH was angry she said that to me knowing how upset I was about my friend.
Now when ever DIL whinges about being pregnant me and DH both remind her that she isn't Ill. I can't bear to hear her complaining for the next two trimesters when my friend is really suffering.
This was just a rant to get it off my chest.

Reign it in.
This is exactly how you lose access to your grandchild.

How unkind of you to downplay how ill she is.

Grannie2B

To all those who are saying I should be careful or I'll be on the estrangement thread.

I'll not be held over a barrel where seeing my GC is concerned. Am I to run round and take all kinds of rubbish just incase they swipe the child away to punish me

People are saying they were in hospital with their pregnancies I do sympathise, it must have felt awful but you were PREGNANT not I'll. It will any an illness and it may feel awful and drain you but it isn't an illness and today's mums behave like it is all of them "Nearly died" giving birth these days. Never mind women have been pregnant and given birth for generations since time began.

You’re a peach.

Good luck to you.

I know your DIL is a better woman than I am.

Well seeing as my posts keep getting deleted I ll try again
I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and perhaps explain to us where your really controlling behaviour comes from Do you always dominate your daughter in law your son, perhaps your husband and who else ?
You must have a heart somewhere because you are upset about your friend but it was a massive overreaction on your behalf, and your husbands your daughter in law did nothing wrong except to say she understood how bad it was for your friend as she was experiencing sickness as well SHE WAS AGREEING WITH YOU lady
If you come from a different culture explain to us how it works and we ll try to look through your eyes but by the same token you need to look through our eyes, but more importantly your daughter in laws eyes
Over 200 posts and not one person agrees with you that’s a first for GN

BlueBelle

Well seeing as my posts keep getting deleted I ll try again
I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and perhaps explain to us where your really controlling behaviour comes from Do you always dominate your daughter in law your son, perhaps your husband and who else ?
You must have a heart somewhere because you are upset about your friend but it was a massive overreaction on your behalf, and your husbands your daughter in law did nothing wrong except to say she understood how bad it was for your friend as she was experiencing sickness as well SHE WAS AGREEING WITH YOU lady
If you come from a different culture explain to us how it works and we ll try to look through your eyes but by the same token you need to look through our eyes, but more importantly your daughter in laws eyes
Over 200 posts and not one person agrees with you that’s a first for GN

One person did.

But even they said they’d say nothing

I often read on Gransnet how grandparents are estranged from their children and grandchildren and I hope things don't turn out like that for you.

I do feel so sorry for you regarding your friend and for her and, yes, cancer is a terrible and possibly terminal illness. Pregnancy is different.

However, DIL probably just spoke as she felt at that moment. It must be horrible to be vomiting many times a day etc. etc.

If you had a sore throat and felt awful, would you thank anyone who said "think yourself lucky you haven't got cancer of the throat".

Be careful Grannie2B. Say something unsympathetic to your DIL and you may see little of her, your son and new grandchild in the future.

I agree your DIL might have been wise not to have made her remark but do you never say something you regret? I know I've sent plenty of daft things in my time. So have most people on Gransnet.

Grannie2B

No they do not live with me Dil didn't want to do that although oldest son's usually live in the parents house with their wives and children in my family

Is this attitude something to do with religion and customs around it?

Just wondering