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Grand daughter's behaviour

(77 Posts)
nanou Thu 29-Apr-21 21:46:34

My son and wife have moved house to be nearer us and my grandchild has started a new nursery. My grand daughter who is 3.5 years, that I helped look after since she was 1 year old, has become very fickle with me. When I arrive in the morning to take her to the nursery with her dad in the car (her mum just recently started work), she screams, cries and refuses to talk to me telling me to go away. I know she's only a child but having this behaviour repeatedly starts to be a little grinding. Has grans experienced such hurtful behaviour? Thanks

Philippa111 Mon 03-May-21 10:59:59

My granddaughter is 7 now and through the years she has had phases of not wanting to be with me. Any child prefers to be with their mother when things feel uncertain. My daughter got divorced a year ago and my granddaughter hates the coming and going from house to house. When given a preference for after school, she will always want to be at home with Mum, who is now working from home. Being with Mum , at home, is any childs' 'safe place' and especially when there is change to routines. I can become just another place she has to be, despite how much fun we might have. I hear this issue of rejection quite a lot from grandmothers and yes, its easy to take it personally and feel rejected and sad. I used to feel that I was somehow not being a 'good enough' granny but I now realise it's just part of the process. In fact I'm much more worried about the wellbeing of my granddaughter than how I feel. Life for kids these days is about fitting in to often tight schedules and routines. Kids suffer from stress too! For most of them gone are the easy days of mums at home waiting and grandparents popping in and out. And lockdown had definitely affected everyone.

Morag65 Mon 03-May-21 11:02:38

My granddaughter is 4 and has loved and hated me for that time. She is a lovely wee girl in general. But just treats me like that. Dont be upset. I ignore her when she doesn't like me. I have gone into her room and started playing with a toy. She soon forgets and becomes very interested in what I'm doing. They are just little.

Lizzyflip Mon 03-May-21 11:03:56

When my 10year old granddaughter was about 4'ish she told me to leave her birthday party because I hadn't been 'invitationed', - She took her present first though grin. We laugh about it now. She is still very strong willed but that's not altogether a bad thing nowadays. Give her time it will work itself out. flowers

Welshy Mon 03-May-21 11:12:41

Hi nanou
You have my sympathy sad I am going through a similar thing with my 3 year old grandson. I have also looked after him since he was a few months old. He is an only child and my only grandchild. He recently started nursery school (afternoons) about 4 weeks ago.
But I don't get the verbal like you, my grandson has hit me a few times & last week he hurled a car we were playing with at my face.
I'm sure it's to do with the change of going to nursery & also he is more of a morning person & gets tired by the time he has to go to school.
But how do we get through this/how to deal with these things? That's what I would like to know.

wifey2003 Mon 03-May-21 11:14:29

Think this a classic case of hitting the " terrible two's " we had similar with our last granddaughter.... she kept telling my hubby , her grandad to " go away " ...hurtful at the time but i'm sure she will grow out of it ....

NannyKat Mon 03-May-21 11:16:34

I really feel for you, it’s tough when that so loved granddaughter behaves like this. As so many have said, it’s not her fault, she is dealing with emotions she can’t understand at the moment. My own granddaughter is 3 too. My son emigrated in January so I am a long distance nanny.. my little precious when asked to say hello to nanny screams no no me not speak to nanny.. I ask my son to show me the dog which I talk to and pretend to laugh with...when she hears this .. then she wants to speak to nanny... these things are sent to try us.. love conquers Stay strong ❤️

coast35 Mon 03-May-21 11:25:19

She has had huge upheaval in her short life. I would take it as a compliment that she feels safe enough with you to let her feelings out. I don’t think it’s about you at all really. It’s about her insecurity at the moment. Hard to take I know. Keep on keeping on. You’ll get there.

icanhandthemback Mon 03-May-21 11:27:40

Just be patient and kind which will have the hugest impact on your relationship in the long term. She has no other way to express the negative feelings she is experiencing. I can see it is hurtful to you but that isn't her intention; she is just panicking. It will pass.

sunnybean60 Mon 03-May-21 11:50:41

It's so upsetting for the grandparent when this happens or come to that anyone in the family too that has to deal with these behavours. Take heart please from everyone who has given good advice here on gransnet. I have been through all these stages and it still hurts even when you understand why this maybe occurring. Franki51 - I especially appreciated that account and the outcome too

Flossieflyby Mon 03-May-21 11:50:52

Love a good thriller - classic formulas such as 'My cousin Rachel' by Daphne du Maurier are so suspenseful and keep an air of mystery even after finishing the book. Enjoy seeing them on the big screen, too

oldmom Mon 03-May-21 11:51:18

Don't take personally anything said or done by a child under 5. If your grandchild is treating you as an emotional punching bag, take it as a complement. This means that you are the safe person, and they trust you to love them just the same. So do that. Love them just the same no matter what. This poor child is dealing with too many stress factors at once. She needs time to process everything. Just be patient and loving, and don't get your feelings hurt.

jaylucy Mon 03-May-21 11:55:44

She's had a big change just with moving to a new house and then mum disappears off to work as well. Bad timing!
She's not angry at you, just that she doesn't understand how and why everything is different all in a short time.
Don't get angry with her or upset the poor little mite just doesn't understand what is going on .

Harris27 Mon 03-May-21 11:58:13

I work in this age area. This has been challenging times for all but I’ve witnessed such distressing behaviour from my group mor in particular with the boys. Some of the girls came back more anxious and timid. It will pass grin and bear it she’ll come back to you.

Jillybird Mon 03-May-21 12:02:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jocork Mon 03-May-21 12:39:19

I still remember when my daughter was about 4 years old we made a few changes. She took moving house completely in her stride. I had been a stay at home mum but I got a small part time job just on a Saturday so she and my son had daddy to look after them. She seemed fine about it, excitedly asking about my day at work whenever I got home. What changed for her was the regular evening when I went out and daddy was at home. She started having huge tantrums, screaming and crying when I went out. She'd never been upset before and it started as soon as I got the job but manifested in the response to me going out at a time I always had.

Any change is hard for little ones and the distress may by aimed at something different to the actual change itself. Thankfully it didn't last long but as many have said it is all about coping with changes in her life. Hopefully it will pass quickly and your relationship will grow close again.

Your GD is lucky to have a GP living close by, as are her parents. When my children were small their GPs lived 70 miles and 200 miles away. They were much closer to the nearer ones as they saw them so much more frequently. Thankfully, as far as I know, they never expressed their preferences to them in person.

chris8888 Mon 03-May-21 12:51:04

Poor little thing just needs to settle, don`t take it personally. My little 4 year old grand daughter has days when she `hates me` only wants her `other nanna` etc. I just say well maybe tomorrow you will like me again.

lizzypopbottle Mon 03-May-21 12:57:26

I haven't met up with my grandchildren since January last year. When we do meet, I'll be keeping things low key. I will let them approach me when they are ready. I won't try to force things and I won't be offended if it takes a while for them to come round. My advice to you, OP, would be to act normally, speak to your granddaughter normally but don't push. She will come round in her own time.

inishowen Mon 03-May-21 13:13:25

I think she associates you with going to nursery. If you weren't there she wouldn't have to go. A lot of patience is needed until her world rights itself.

GrauntyHelen Mon 03-May-21 13:32:14

The family moved to be nearer you so in her wee head it's your fault the world has been turned upside down

Yammy Mon 03-May-21 14:03:13

Ignore her bad behaviour, at 3/4 they are not daft. She is probably upset at the move and trying to upset everyone else too. Don't be too accomodating to her either, when she decides she wants a cuddle sometime, tell her you have something else to do. She needs lots of love but needs to appreciate it is not unconditional and respect for peoples feelings is a two-way thing.
As an ex Infant teacher, I have seen kiddies scream the school down when being dropped off by either parent demand a present when being picked up and then stop crying as soon as their parents go down the school path. The genuine upset ones, not the protestors don't stop crying and need a lot of reassurance.
Many years ago I told a friend this as her child was making its self sick when being dropped off, we asked the teacher if we could creep back and there the child was playing merrily with friends only minutes after vomiting all over the cloakroom floor.

GoldenAge Mon 03-May-21 14:05:41

nanou - cut your little granddaughter some slack - she's had everything she's familiar with and that gives her security completely turned upside down - your job is to put up with her tears - you're the grown up. This will be a very important time for her as she tries to adjust and come to terms with the fact that her world is shaken. You need to be a constant and give her lots of reassurance.

Hithere Mon 03-May-21 14:08:28

This is NOT bad behaviour! She is expressing her feelings the best way she can according to her age!

If anything, the adult - the grandparents in this case- should be the rational person, not the child!

Please adjust your expectations and stop asking gc to be responsible for the grandparents' feelings

Granny1810 Mon 03-May-21 14:11:32

It's definitely not personal

Kim19 Mon 03-May-21 14:18:27

Try the distraction/intrigue of an item of a toy(ish) nature which you pay semi personal attention to but don't share with her. Have it in your handbag or pocket. Helps if it makes some small noise. Worked for me.

hulahoop Mon 03-May-21 14:42:32

After the year they have had I feel for the children my Gc who we look after once a week became very clingy after first lockdown he was only 3yrs and had only seen us on zoom when he used to ask to come in our car and house it was heartbreak saying no .he is ok now but if he wants to go inside somewhere like a cafe ,he says silly Boris ?