Stroppy Teenager or is it me?

Oh I can’t help smiling, I really feel for you, I can sense your anxiety, and I would probably feel the same, my eldest granddaughter is twenty, and I’d still be anxious.
But she is a big girl, she is probably amazed that she’s not allowed to wander around a village on her own, it does sound a bit silly when you read it, but I sympathise.

I'm with you. I would not have let her go either....A granddaughter of mine would not hve left the house strop or not..
Don't people read the news .

I went round Yugoslavia and Italy for a month with a friend when I was 17.......but..........the world was indeed a very different place then.

When we are looking after a child who is not our own it is hard - there are things that I would have let my DDs do that I do not allow my DGC to do. It feels like a huge responsibility.

It sounds as though you have a few dodgy characters in your village; so I fully understand your decision.

With age, we tend to see risks where we did not see it before.

ElaineI

I went to Majorca with a friend when I was 17. When I was 16 I went youth hostelling with my friend all round the north of Scotland - even travelled to Orkney, Harris, Lewis and Skye. In Skye the YH was full and were directed to police station who gave us a list of people offering accommodation. We shared a caravan in someone's back garden with a very old back packing Australian lady and a man in early 20's. Back tracking - when I was 15 I went youth Hostelling in central Scotland with 2 friends. We hitched lifts. Never forgotten those experiences. Maybe the world was different then - come to think of it - no mobiles, we used a wind up phone thing once in a farm on the lower slopes of Ben Lomond as we were going to be late arriving at the next hostel.

We've all been there. I went on holiday in Wales with a girlfriend aged 15 years, no adults in tow. In 1999 my daughter ended up backpacking round Australia on her own aged 18. Not planned believe me!! The others had dropped out. I was frantic. She travelled all around, Ayres Rock everywhere.

My initial reaction was that I wouldn’t have been content if my granddaughter had gone out alone late at night.

Then my memory drifted back to when my daughter was 17 around 25 yrs ago at the start of her nursing career. She worked 12 hr shifts in a major city hospital and came home on public transport at 9.30pm if our shifts clashed and I was unable to collect her.

One night I arrived home from work and she should have been home an hour before me and no sign of her. No mobile phones then. I was relieved to hear her key in the door a while after I arrived home.

While she was waiting at the bus stop a fight broke out between a group of drunken boys and one was lying injured on the pavement. She gave first aid to the boy and waited with him till an ambulance arrived, during which time she missed her bus home.

She had bloodstains from the injured boy on her clothes and the back of her jacket was damp with beer. One of the injured boys drunken friends stooped over her as she tended to his friend and spilled his beer can over her.

I think what some posters are missing is that despite the world changing, the children grow up on this new world and are very adapted to it

It is the older generations that see the differences - compared how they grew up

Don’t know how many years ago that was ?
I, too, youth hosteled, hitched lifts (last bus 9.30 pm) etc, but would I let me 17 year old GD do it while in my care?
No, I’d have suggested she ring her Mum. If Mum said so, well I’d just have put a strict time limit on it.
Like others have also said... your house .... your rules
In my experience the majority of children prefer sensible guidelines, even if they don’t admit it ? it shows you care

if a teenage grandchild is staying at your home you are to look after their wellbeing until they return home. They are your responsibility. It has nothing to do with backpacking abroad .
Had my thirteen yr old niece to stay many years ago and they may tell you 'mum would let me go' but take no notice. Keep them safe till they go home.

Times have changed since we were young. I would feel exactly the same as you Oopsadaisy
In a strange area, not knowing anyone, and getting dark . No way!

Hithere

She is 17, not 5!

How smothering of you

Please apologize to her right now.

She will be a legal adult in less than a year.

"Goodness, gone are the days when she did as she was told.........."

"Maybe I should have let her go and followed her jumping from hedge to hedge behind her from a distance?"

You have to be kidding me!

You have to be kidding me Hithere!

As you would be the first to point out this isnt Oopsadaisys daughter.
Ergo she is not fully responsible for her.
Ergo she erred on the side of safety.

In your view she made the wrong decision.
So what!

I wonder what would have been said if something terrible had happened.

As it is the girl had to stay in, Boohoo. Not exactly anything to apologize for imv.

In fact I think you should apologize to the op for your emotional outburst.

As for your roller coaster comment, how small minded of you.

Have you talked with her parents since this happened Oopsadaisy?
What do they think?

Try not to worry too much, talk to her tell her you worried for her, tell her you have to get used to the grown up her!

She slammed the doors, which makes me think she isnt as grown up as her years make her out to be!


What we did and what they do now cannot be compared.

We can’t help being over cautious, it’s our job. I have three grandchildren living with me, I’m constantly being nagged to let them do things, but if I’m any doubt I say no, if mummy says yes, that’s fine, but until she does, I’m saying no.

At 17 she really is old enough to go out and about by herself. Next year she will be off to uni or work so must be able to make decisions on what is safe or not.

I did many things when I was young but that was a long time ago in a different era and things have changed.

My DGC are left with me therefore my responsibility.

My sixteen year old DGD can get very stroppy and if we really disagree a phone call to her father ( SIL) soon puts everything in order. My fourteen year old GD is calmer. They are allowed out in the evenings when they are with their parents but DD has put trackers on her daughters’ phones for their own security (look at Sarah Everard) but if they disobey arranged boundaries their phones get confiscated in their recreation periods.

This same GD flew from Sydney by herself when she was 12 but I wasn’t responsible for her until she arrived in Paris

Sorry when I say ‘with their parents’ meant ‘under parents’ responsibility ‘

i can see both sides.
but the situation of a 17 year old staying with grandparents in a remote and boring area sounds like a recipe for conflict anyway.
how long are they staying.

Your house = your rules.
There is no discussion over this.

I think people think when they do this they are keeping people safe, they arent. What you wanted was it not to be your responsibility if anything happened and I can understand that. But teenagers need to learn to manage risks and our own understanding of risk is not very good. Its probable at some point she will have a boyfriend, statistically that is a much much higher risk than walking around a country village.

In these circumstances maybe a more "discussion and agreement/ compromise " approach would have helped...as in:

" I'm not comfortable for you to go on you own this evening because .....it is a different area to where you live; I think there are a few things about the area I need to point out to you on a walk tomorrow; ...etc etc" then "in the meantime, as a compromise I am happy to take a walk with you tonight or would you prefer to stay in, we'll go for a walk tomorrow and go through things, and also have a chat with mum to check how she feels"

A girl of 17 is less than a year from being a full adult able to go where and when she likes, regardless of any fears you may have.

In your case, I would have expressed my concerns, told her why I had them and I would have asked her not to go. I might have insisted that she had to phone her parents and speak to them about her walk

My feeling is that she wanted to make a phone call that she wanted to be sure was not overheard by you or anyone who might know you and report back. Alternatively she was hoping to meet local youngsters of a similar age. Not even a 17 year old goes out in the circumstances you describe without a good reason.

I also think that you are exagerating the danger. How many people in your area have been attacked, raped or murdered in the last year while on similar walks? These kind of attacks make headline news because they are a rarety.

Would she let you have a stroll round the village with her to point out the things you think are hazards and maybe identify the people you avoid? You could show her the short cuts etc.

That way you would at least have educated her and would be able to let her go another time with fewer qualms.

Goodness, let go of the reins, otherwise you will have a young adult afraid to go out into the world, which surely is the aim of parenting. Send her off with love, just make sure she has her phone with her.

Oh dear said that wrong, meant it is a parents job to equip their youngsters for facing the world outside.

It is possible that she had arranged to meet someone or a group at the playing fields which is probably a meeting place for youngsters in the evening? With internet and mobiles youngsters these days are well connected with each other.

Even if she were 18 I wouldn’t be happy about letting her wander around in the dark in a strange place on her own unless she could give me more information. Most young adults tend to tell someone where they are and keep in contact with their mobile. Even so it doesn’t stop attacks.

Suppose you’d let her go and something had happened wouldn’t you have felt it had been wrong to do so whilst she was in your care?

Do you know any young people you would be happy to arrange for her to meet in your village as this might be the best answer. Sitting in with us oldies isn’t much fun at 17.