To say what more can we do?

It is clear that your husband conveyed to the nanny that - as her employer - he suspected her of being involved in a break in that he "felt" might have occurred on the basis of a scuff on a laptop and some "missing" jewellery that turned up (and was misplaced by you/him?).

It is a really serious accusation to make on no evidence - and let's be clear that it is never a "friendly chat" when it occurs as a employer-subordinate conversation. So I can really understand that she does not want the responsibility of having your keys when you are away given the evidence that she has that your H has a propensity to leap to unfounded conclusions. I am surprised that you do not understand her reluctance and are trying to put the blame on her for the situation.

She is employed as a Nanny looking after the children. Your house is not her responsibility, it is yours. You practically accused her of stealing and now you think she should do what you want to show that she trusts you, and if she doesn't do what you want, it is her fault because she doesn't trust you.
If you want someone to look after your house pay someone.
Trust is earned and you blew it. It will take time to rebuild.
If she is a good nanny and the children like her don't even think of getting rid of her, you've treated her badly enough anyway.

I’m curious to know if OP ever discovered who scuffed the laptop and misplaced the jewellery. Was it by any chance the grandchildren?

StarsAreAligned

It was clumsy of my husband but he definitely was not accusing her, just making conversation. It came out wrong that's all. It's obvious we trust her as she has sole care of the most precious things in our lives, our grandchildren.
She has a key on days she is working but leaves it behind each night. So for example, takes it of a morning, leaves it at night.
As for the responsibility aspect, the chances are we wouldn't have needed her to go to the house but wanted to prove we trusted her.
I just find it frustrating that we can't get her to believe in the fact we trust her and that it was just clumsiness on my husbands part that made it sound like she was being accused that time.

So you wanted to show her you trusted her by asking her to do unpaid work?

You need to hire a house sitter.

Don’t be surprised if she’s looking for another job

StarsAreAligned

Yes, we probably do need to consider getting a new nanny.
It just makes me uncomfortable that there are clearly trust issues here and who wants that with the set up we have. There has to be trust, complete trust on both sides. She doesn't trust us so it cannot work.

Now you’re going to fire her because your husband screwed up and accused her??

Poor nanny

I absolutely would not work somewhere when I had been suspected of theft.
Who needs that kind of shadow cast over them?

I think this attitude vividly illustrates how little respect is given to the people who look after children. Can you imagine any other position where someone would expect you to look after their house for them?

As I said, we made it clear we did not suspect her and yes, we do think it was the kids which I said to her afterwards. My husband never suspected her. He was just chatting about it but I explained afterwards how it felt to her.
I just feel sad that even now after some months have passed, she still feels the same. She was never for one moment suspected of theft.

So you don't trust. her to take a key home with her when she is working but you want her to keep one whilst you are on holiday? You have a seriously twisted attitude.

StarsAreAligned

As I said, we made it clear we did not suspect her and yes, we do think it was the kids which I said to her afterwards. My husband never suspected her. He was just chatting about it but I explained afterwards how it felt to her.
I just feel sad that even now after some months have passed, she still feels the same. She was never for one moment suspected of theft.

If she wasn’t suspected, why did your husband ask her about locking up on a day she wasn’t there?!

We have offered for her to take the key home when we are there also but she has refused everytime.
He only said that to make sure that if it was a break in, it would not happen again rather then putting her in the position of blame.

We have offered for her to take the key home when we are there also but she has refused everytime.

And yet you still don't seem to have got the message. No means no. She doesn't have to justofy her reasons to you so that you understand why she says no. Just accept that no is the answer. Stop being obtuse about it.

I used to belong to a forum that was destroyed by one poster who kept being wilfully obtuse in thread after thread after thread.

This thread is beginning to feel like groundhog day.

I used to belong to a forum that was destroyed by one poster who kept being wilfully obtuse in thread after thread after thread.

This thread is beginning to feel like groundhog day.

OP

To answer your question in the title: "to say what more can we do?"

You apologize for insisting on her taking the key, thank her for taking good care of your gc and drop it.

Also, your dh should keep some of his comments private and do not verbalize them.

Less is more here.

Your husband offended her.
You want her to play along with your mind games over the key to make yourselves feel better.
You take offence when she quite reasonably refuses.
So you decide you need to replace her.
No problems with how she does her actual job?

Where do your grandchildren feature in all this?
Do they like her?
Are they settled with her?
How will they feel if she leaves?
How will you explain that to them?

The nanny is not the one causing the problem here, it is entirely of your husband's making and you are perpetuating it.

Let. It. Go.

OP, in your last comment you are now suggesting that your husband wanted to ensure that she didn't leave any doors unlocked.
so, even if not thinking she was a thief, now there is the implication that if there had been a burglary, it was down to her failing to lock all doors.
so he mentioned it to ensure it doesn't happen in future.
frankly, i'm surprised that she's stayed this long.
she must like the children.
because the adults sound impossible.
perhaps both of you need to go on a course, how to speak to people in work settings without infuriating them;
how to keep good staff and shew that you value them.
if you do not address this, it will be a repeated event with others, causing disruption to the children.
am beginning to wonder if this is a genuine post at all.

I just find it frustrating that we can't get her to believe in the fact we trust her and that it was just clumsiness on my husbands part

How do you know he won't be clumsy again?

She doesn't trust you.

I don't think you should try discussing the matter again with the nanny.

She obviously felt that she was being accused either of stealing or of negligence when your husband asked if she was quite sure she had locked the conservatory door.

You discussed the matter with them both, and your husband has apologised.

Nanny refuses to have your key - did she have one before this incident?

I can see both sides of this. In the nanny's place I would be hesitant about holding your key, after this incident.

Your husband was surely justified in asking her if she could possibly have forgotten to lock a door, when he suspected there had been a break-in, but either his query sounded like an accusation, or the nanny was offended without cause.

Either way, least said, soonest mended from now on, I should think.

If you are planning to go away soon, find a neighbour or colleague who is willing to have an extra key to your house and go past to check that everything is all right.

If you do this, do talk to the nanny about it beforehand.

If you live in an area with frequent break-ins, would it not be advisable to install a proper alarm system? You trust the Nanny with a key, which she prefers not to take home with her, so surely you would be willing to trust her with a code to the alarm system. These days, everyone using the system can have an individual code, so there is no doubt about who comes and goes when, or who may have forgotten to set the alarm.

^^Yes, we probably do need to consider getting a new nanny.
It just makes me uncomfortable that there are clearly trust issues here and who wants that with the set up we have. There has to be trust, complete trust on both sides. She doesn't trust us so it cannot work
OP, you are presuming the nanny doesn’t trust you and are upset by this. The explanation your DH gave may well have been accepted and believed by the nanny. I think you’re being a bit paranoid and are presuming the fact that she won’t house sit is connected to the loose accusation issue. It is a huge responsibility to be a key holder to someone’s house. Maybe she doesn’t want to do this but does trust you.

If your husband trusted her, why on earth did he even mention this 'break-in' (which didn't even happen!) in the first place? I would give a key to a neighbour if you really need someone to keep an eye on the place. The poor Nanny really doesn't need this extra responsibility. It simply isn't her job.

I am a retired nanny and I had a house key from my employers from the word go, but I was never asked to keep an eye on their home while they were away, although I still had their key in my possession. If I wasn’t travelling with them in order to look after my charges, the time they were away would count as part of my annual holiday leave.

Get a new nanny or a new husband simples

^ crazyH

granzilla - being Jewish has nothing at all to do with my story. I was just adding a detail, that’s all. No offence meant …apologies, if I have caused upset to anyone ^

I think some people are a tad too PC. If your friend was American for instance, and you mentioned your American friend how could that possibly be offensive? It’s not. Don’t let anyone make you think you’ve said something wrong because you haven’t. ?

Exactly MickyD ? Thankyou so much xx