I’ve hosted Christmas Day celebrations for the past 35 years. Parents when they were alive always bought the Turkey and my mum, bless her would make the pud and cake. The children have grown and have families of they’re own now - so this year we have 17 around the table. No one has ever offered to contribute anything although because of last year, where everyone had to cook their own, I did get text messages saying that they didn’t realise how expensive it all is!
Hey ho, good job that I put money away every month to save for it all!
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AIBU
Charging family for Christmas lunch
(263 Posts)Now, is it just me, and this is the way things are done nowadays so I’m behind the times? Had invitation for Christmas lunch at a family members home, along with other family members, but the person doing the lunch requests all who would like to attend pay them x amount for the privilege, to cover the costs of the food and drink (this includes their parents having to pay, too).
Now, whenever I’ve hosted Christmas lunch, or other events, I’ve never asked the ones I invite to pay for the privilege of eating with me. Some have offered to bring something along - perhaps a dessert, some cheese, a bottle of wine, etc, which was welcome and kind- but this was never an expectation on my part, and I certainly wouldn’t have it as a condition of them being able to come, my view being that I was offering an invitation to join us for lunch or tea, not expecting them to pay or bring something as a condition for coming to it.
I will also add that the people asking for this donation have had, and continue to have, many things given to them without expectation of recompense, over the year, (every year) from many members of the family they are inviting. I think it’s especially poor that they are charging their parents, who always see them “alright” over the year.
Those invited also help with the preparation of the meal and the tidying up afterwards, plus they bring along “extras”.
The ones doing the inviting earn a high income between them - considerably more than those they are inviting to lunch (indeed, the majority are now on a low pension).
They also like to host a buffet and boozy get together on Boxing Day night for their friends and neighbours, using what’s left of the food and drink their family have paid for for their Christmas lunch, which I think is an incredible cheek (or is that just me?) - surely, if there were left overs, those invited for Christmas lunch should be having goody bags to take home left overs for which they have paid, not leaving it as a freebie for these friends and neighbours of the host.
Now, maybe I am being “bah, humbug”, but this charging doesn’t sit easily with me, although many family members have accepted the invitation with this charge (though not everyone).
So, am I being unreasonable to think this is not right, or am I completely old fashioned and behind the times? It’s just I thought such invitations to go to family for lunch were just that - invitations, with no provisos. Therefore, if you can’t afford to host a meal for extended family members, then you don’t offer to host one?
What a ~~~~~~cheek.An invitation is an invitation no strings attached.
I can't help wondering why people feel they have to spend so much on one meal of the year. If it breaks the bank then it is not affordable, and if you are rich pay for a full on feast - simple!
If that happened to me and I agreed to pay I wouldn’t be able to eat anything - it would definitely stick in my throat. Not nice to see your guests as a money making exercise - OK if you’re running a restaurant. I doubt I would be polite in my response.
I’ve never heard of such a thing. 10 of us have Christmas lunch at my son’s every year and take little items for teatime, but it’s unthinkable to ask family to pay towards the cost of the meal.
Shropshirelass
YANBU. I wouldn’t go. If they were doing a meal to raise money for a charity that would be different but not the way they are doing it! I agree offer to take something if you are invited, but to be asked to pay is a great big NO in my book.
It's sharing the cost, the same as taking something.
moobox
I can't help wondering why people feel they have to spend so much on one meal of the year. If it breaks the bank then it is not affordable, and if you are rich pay for a full on feast - simple!
Well then you'd get people on here on Boxing Day moaning that they'd been invited out for Christmas Day and they got a very second rate meal, cheap wine and why do people invite if they can't put on a 5 star spread.
Edith81
I’ve never heard of such a thing. 10 of us have Christmas lunch at my son’s every year and take little items for teatime, but it’s unthinkable to ask family to pay towards the cost of the meal.
Let's hope your son can afford it and you aren't leaving his family short.
I'm sure the little items for teatime don't come anywhere near what you'd have spent to have a meal at home.
If I wanted to pay for lunch I'd go to a restaurant/hotel! Invitation means you're a guest, not a customer, what DOES go on in their tiny heads nowadays?!?
I always assume Christmas day gatherings are gatherings of family and friends, who know and love each other and would always make sure the load, whether cooking, clearing or financially was not spread unevenly.
TheKevin20
Unbelievable behaviour.
If the people wanted to have friends/relatives round for a seasonal meal, but would have difficulty in footing the whole bill, the "bring a dish/bottle" would've been perfectly acceptable.
If I'm invited anywhere, I always take a small gift: biscuits, flowers, a bottle of wine. I'm on a limited budget, but gratitude and good manners are not expensive.
So one person buys the turkey and another buys a bag of spuds. I'd rather pay my fair share, I don't want to be subsidised and I don't want to subsidise others. There's always the cheeky chancer, usually who can well afford it, who will pick something cheap.
It has to be planned as well though, who wants 3 turkeys, no bread sauce or sprouts but 5 lb of potatoes per person and no Christmas pud. Surely it is easier for one person to do the shopping and split the cost?
As long as people don't spring it on you on the day I can't see why people are taking such offence, unless they just want a free meal.
I wouldn't go. How utterly awful - if the less well-off person was hosting, I'm sure guests would bring 'extras' - drinks and/or dessert, nibbles, flowers, perhaps - or would offer to supply and prepare side dishes, but this suggestion is guaranteed to put a dampener on everyone's mood. How mean-spirited can people be?
I don't suppose the hosts will be making a point of donating to their local food bank. Generosity isn't all about affordability, or arithmetic - the spirit of kindness doesn't have to break the bank.
How would flowers help affray a cost of feeding multiple people?!
AmberSpyglass
How would flowers help affray a cost of feeding multiple people?!
Well it doesn't but they get a free meal and can congratulate themselves that they contributed.
Theworriedwell. My wider family. 15 Ist cousins and spouses, have a gathering once a year and we have never had any problem sorting the catering out.
Whoever is hosting the event contacts people a month in advance and asks what they will bring and if there is too many desserts and not enough salads, asks people to change, Often people bring extras and I will ask them to take home the remains of any dish they brought.
We are a family, for heavens sake, a group of people drawn together by mutual affection and family ties, we do not go round calculating how much each dish cost its donor and whether everyone has paid exactly the same amount, nor do people go off in a huff if asked to bring a different dish.
This is what is so lacking in this charging to come basis, the feeling that this is a family who enjoy being together and having a mutually supportive relationship. Why not just book a hotel function room for the day. No cooking, and everyone paying the same, with no arguments about the leftovers.
M0nica
*Theworriedwell*. My wider family. 15 Ist cousins and spouses, have a gathering once a year and we have never had any problem sorting the catering out.
Whoever is hosting the event contacts people a month in advance and asks what they will bring and if there is too many desserts and not enough salads, asks people to change, Often people bring extras and I will ask them to take home the remains of any dish they brought.
We are a family, for heavens sake, a group of people drawn together by mutual affection and family ties, we do not go round calculating how much each dish cost its donor and whether everyone has paid exactly the same amount, nor do people go off in a huff if asked to bring a different dish.
This is what is so lacking in this charging to come basis, the feeling that this is a family who enjoy being together and having a mutually supportive relationship. Why not just book a hotel function room for the day. No cooking, and everyone paying the same, with no arguments about the leftovers.
So you've never spent £60 on a turkey and thought Auntie Annie got away lightly with bringing the sprouts?
How does it work on a practical basis, do you arrive with raw ingredients or does everyone have reheated food? Yuk.
I suspect a hotel would be far far more expensive, a decent hotel near me would be charging nearly £100 per head.
If someone’s that worried about cost why do it? If I couldn’t afford to feed everyone I wouldn’t invite them.
I think there is a big difference between a family agreeing to share the cost of Christmas Dinner and having it at "Dave and Julie's house because they've got more space /are central to everyone/won't have to disrupt the children "
and
taking it on yourself to invite the extended family and the announcing "that will be 30 quid each please".
Beswitced, precisely.
Theworriedwlell no, I haven't. I match my meal to my budget or I discuss it with family in advance as described in my last post.
what happened to the season of giving and Christmas spirit? I would not mind if they said if you want to contribute anything gratefully received but optional. nope I would not go
Sorry, Theworriedwell, I missed one of your questions.
Where the meal is one where all are contributing we have a cold buffet, so no worries about cooked food. People turn up with a contribution for lunch, usually made that morning and often brought in a cool bag. No different to a picnic.
As far as Christmas is concerned it has only ever been immediate family, and very occasionally a friend. They have all staying over with us for several days so contributions to the festive table are brought by people as if they had gone out to do their own food shopping but brought it to our house rather than their own, so it just gets incorporated into the fridge or freezer or garage as appropriate, until needed to prepare the meal. No half cooked and cooling food.
Lets face it there is not much to a Christmas meal. Poultry, stuffing, potatoes and sprouts, followed by a pudding made with a bag of mixed fruit and custard. OK that can be granded up, but in our early impecunious years that is what our Christmas lunch was and it was followed in the evening by a tea meal, sandwiches, mincepies and cake.
I have never spent money on snacks and nuts and fruit, nor do any of us drink much at Christmas. A Christmas meal can be as careful or as extravagent as you choose, and the guests we have do not look gift horses in the outh and neither do I
I suggested a hotel meal for the family who treated a family meals as if it was a hotel means.
M0nica
Theworriedwlell no, I haven't. I match my meal to my budget or I discuss it with family in advance as described in my last post.
It has been discussed with the OP in advance. It isn't Christmas yet, she's had an invite to a family gathering with everyone paying their share. She has the option to go or not go. Up to her.
Some of the people who are invited might be lonely, might not have seen family for sometime and they might be very happy to pay their share in order to have a pleasant day together.
You're only prepared to go if it's free, up to you, but don't deny other people the opportunity to get together because someone who is willing and able to host can't afford to pay for it all.
MOnica so you are talking about something different. Not people arriving on the day with a contribution cooked or uncooked, not a large number of people.
What the OP is talking about is nothing like hotel meal where the cost covers the food, staff costs, running costs for the hotel. The OP was specifically asked for a financial contribution to cover the cost of the food and drink so this is nothing like paying for a hotel meal.
No, for one meal I am talking about upto 20 people arriving on the day bringing cold food, no different to a picnic. The other, at Christmas has 7-9 people. More than most have for a Christmas meal.
This couple were not asking for a financial contribution, they were specifying a price. ' If you want to come to the family meal it will cost you £15 a head' or some such price.
The OP said^ the person doing the lunch requests all who would like to attend pay them x amount for the privilege, to cover the costs of the food and drink (this includes their parents having to pay, too).^
I will also add that the people asking for this donation have had, and continue to have, many things given to them without expectation of recompense, over the year, (every year) from many members of the family they are inviting. I think it’s especially poor that they are charging their parents, who always see them “alright” over the year. Those invited also help with the preparation of the meal and the tidying up afterwards, plus they bring along “extras”.
The ones doing the inviting earn a high income between them - considerably more than those they are inviting to lunch (indeed, the majority are now on a low pension).
They also like to host a buffet and boozy get together on Boxing Day night for their friends and neighbours, using what’s left of the food and drink their family have paid for for their Christmas lunch.
The OP is not objecting to paying but the way it has been done, and lots of us have made that point, plus the fact that this seems to be a case of someone biting the hand that feeds it.
For some people paying may be a good way to go about things, but it should be after family discussions, not a demand, held like a gun to their head, with no warning
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