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AIBU

Charging family for Christmas lunch

(263 Posts)
Mapleleaf Sat 04-Dec-21 19:14:27

Now, is it just me, and this is the way things are done nowadays so I’m behind the times? Had invitation for Christmas lunch at a family members home, along with other family members, but the person doing the lunch requests all who would like to attend pay them x amount for the privilege, to cover the costs of the food and drink (this includes their parents having to pay, too).

Now, whenever I’ve hosted Christmas lunch, or other events, I’ve never asked the ones I invite to pay for the privilege of eating with me. Some have offered to bring something along - perhaps a dessert, some cheese, a bottle of wine, etc, which was welcome and kind- but this was never an expectation on my part, and I certainly wouldn’t have it as a condition of them being able to come, my view being that I was offering an invitation to join us for lunch or tea, not expecting them to pay or bring something as a condition for coming to it.

I will also add that the people asking for this donation have had, and continue to have, many things given to them without expectation of recompense, over the year, (every year) from many members of the family they are inviting. I think it’s especially poor that they are charging their parents, who always see them “alright” over the year.

Those invited also help with the preparation of the meal and the tidying up afterwards, plus they bring along “extras”.

The ones doing the inviting earn a high income between them - considerably more than those they are inviting to lunch (indeed, the majority are now on a low pension).

They also like to host a buffet and boozy get together on Boxing Day night for their friends and neighbours, using what’s left of the food and drink their family have paid for for their Christmas lunch, which I think is an incredible cheek (or is that just me?) - surely, if there were left overs, those invited for Christmas lunch should be having goody bags to take home left overs for which they have paid, not leaving it as a freebie for these friends and neighbours of the host.

Now, maybe I am being “bah, humbug”, but this charging doesn’t sit easily with me, although many family members have accepted the invitation with this charge (though not everyone).

So, am I being unreasonable to think this is not right, or am I completely old fashioned and behind the times? It’s just I thought such invitations to go to family for lunch were just that - invitations, with no provisos. Therefore, if you can’t afford to host a meal for extended family members, then you don’t offer to host one?

DeeDe Mon 06-Dec-21 17:50:07

Well why should one family member have all the cost and work?
We all contribute one cooks it at there’s it changes from time to time , and with help from some others to prepare
Then one provides the turkey another the pork another vegetables and perhaps Xmas dessert etc etc and so on
Right down to the Xmas crackers, then together we wash and tidy up
we’ve done this for years the only ones.
Who don’t contribute is the eldest ie great great grandparents as they have already done their share over the years
This year we have two new couples in their twenties now taking their turn and a great time will be had by everyone and no petty arguments..
well hasn’t been the last 50 + years
Families should fairly share the cost and the load … grin

BlueBalou Mon 06-Dec-21 17:55:15

I haven’t heard of this but I don’t think much surprises me nowadays.
When we have a get together we often bring a dish/drinks/nibbles etc, all deciding beforehand who’s bringing what. Any leftovers are offered to the departing guests to take home with them.
It’s been that way for years, works beautifully.

readsalot Mon 06-Dec-21 18:01:40

I wouldn't feel comfortable paying £15 cash to a relative for Christmas lunch. I would rather stay home!

M0nica Mon 06-Dec-21 18:10:16

DeeDe No one is saying families shouldn't share the cost of Christmas among themselves, in fact, a number of posters have described how their family do share the cost of Christmas, but there is something a bit hard-nosed and mercenary about saying to family 'If you want to to a family party you have to pay', without any consultation with anyone in advance and despite the fact that this family benefit from a lot of non-monetary favours from family members over the year.

As in so many cases, it is not what you do but the way that you do it.

ElaineRI55 Mon 06-Dec-21 18:16:47

Actually makes me feel quite sad.
If the proposed hosts can't or won't bear all the costs, surely a family chat in advance about everyone bringing something would have sorted things - as DeeDe has described.
Could someone point out to them that it doesn't seem a reasonable approach or would they just go into a huff?
There is a good chance that they will have damaged family relationships already just by suggesting this and caused unnecessary rifts. A real shame.

win Mon 06-Dec-21 18:28:51

We had an invitation to a wedding buffet some years back where we had to pay for ourselves much to our surprise. We declined the reception as did many others having already bought a rather generous present which had been requested.

Lauren59 Mon 06-Dec-21 18:32:04

If the host can’t afford the expense of the entire meal I think it would be a better idea to do what we (Americans) call a potluck, where everyone contributes a dish. Asking guests to pay for their meal seems wrong.

4allweknow Mon 06-Dec-21 18:32:14

Would decline, YANBU.

TheKevin20 Mon 06-Dec-21 19:31:53

Unbelievable behaviour.
If the people wanted to have friends/relatives round for a seasonal meal, but would have difficulty in footing the whole bill, the "bring a dish/bottle" would've been perfectly acceptable.
If I'm invited anywhere, I always take a small gift: biscuits, flowers, a bottle of wine. I'm on a limited budget, but gratitude and good manners are not expensive.

LostLaLa Mon 06-Dec-21 19:32:34

Pure greed, if you can't afford a gathering how in the world can you ask your "guests" to pay for something that was entirely your idea? I wouldn't go, not because of the money but because of the principle of the thing. This shows absolutely no class, poor taste at its finest!

MollyF Mon 06-Dec-21 20:09:39

It goes without saying that this is unacceptable - never heard anything like it. But I really do hate the expression Christmas 'Lunch'. It sounds like Hyacinth Bucket trying to be posh. Dinner is the main meal of the day whatever time of day you have it. So it's Christmas DINNER

BigBertha1 Mon 06-Dec-21 22:20:09

We share the cost by contribution. DH and I are buying the wine for Christmas Day and DD2 I would think 6 adults would get through about 2 bottles each plus champers

Jaibee007 Mon 06-Dec-21 23:19:12

Sorry but 100%unacceptable - if you can't afford to feed guests then don't invite them, I've never heard the like of it. They are totally taking the p*ss

MissElly Mon 06-Dec-21 23:38:58

It seems to me indicative of a huge cultural change. In other cultures where families are very close and bonds are important, food etc is brought to the house where the celebration is to take place and many people also help to prepare it as partaking of a celebratory meal is of huge importance in the inter generational life of the family. I think it is very sad that these people appear to have lost this, and reduced the occasion to one of obligation, money and, well, greed, if they are using family to provide the subsequent party for their friends. . You say they are not short of money and indeed receive financial and other unrequited help during the year. They sound very selfish and spoilt and perhaps it’s time for people to stop facilitating their immature entitled attitude.

Cymres1 Tue 07-Dec-21 01:09:51

My Mother in law always brought her own version of Christmas Pudding because she had a lighter fruity recipe that her particularl health problems were suited to and the kids loved Grannie's Pudding. I hosted the family for decades and wouldn't have dreamt of pulling a stunt like that. It completely negates the spirit of the season.
YANBU, in a month of Sundays!

Nansnet Tue 07-Dec-21 03:35:56

You definitely ANBU! I find the fact that you have been asked to pay if you wish to go is all rather cringeworthy! What a cheek! If they can't afford to pay for it, or don't want to fork out for it, then they shouldn't be hosting it!

As many others do, we go all out on Christmas day, and it does cost us a fortune (not that it needs to, of course!), but that's our choice, and we like everyone who joins us to have a good time. The thought of asking them to pay, I find shocking!

Frankly, if I were the OP, I'd be inviting any other family members who have declined the invite over to my place for a lovely FREE Christmas meal!

MayBeMaw Tue 07-Dec-21 06:37:06

MollyF

It goes without saying that this is unacceptable - never heard anything like it. But I really do hate the expression Christmas 'Lunch'. It sounds like Hyacinth Bucket trying to be posh. Dinner is the main meal of the day whatever time of day you have it. So it's Christmas DINNER

Thank you MollyF
You are absolutely right, of course Dinner was always the main meal of the day and if the Christmas meal doesn’t fall into that category, what does!
“Christmas lunch” is either a light meal in the course of the day (with dinner yet to come) or as you say, Hyacinth Bucket prissy.

dorcas1950 Tue 07-Dec-21 08:05:03

You are not being unreasonable! I would decline the invitation.

multicolourswapshop Tue 07-Dec-21 08:42:36

Hopefully I’m not the only one who thinks this is an awful turn of events - paying to go to family for a Christmas lunch. Never heard the likes
after all who pays family or friends for receiving a kind invitation to have a meal with them . I’ve held and been to many a small dinner party over the years when dinner parties were in fashion for a select few and was never asked for any money to help fund these. I would be mortified if my friends or family expected a bill at the end of the evening. I know exactly what they’d say too, which can’t be repeated on here.

What’s the world coming to? If you can’t enjoy a friendly meal with family or friends without expecting payment.

I say get a life that’s if you’ve got one.angry

Urmstongran Tue 07-Dec-21 08:59:51

Actually, playing Devil’s Advocate here so bear with.
A friend & her husband went to her daughter’s for Christmas dinner pre-Covid. There were 8 or 9 of them in total I think.

Anyway the daughter regularly shopped on line (always had) as it was easier. She booked a slot just for the Day. Turkey, trimmings, veg, wines, crackers, pud the lot and the family quite happily split the bill. Yes the daughter was hosting (she had the biggest house), but everyone chipped in and no one felt aggrieved. Dinner was taken care of in its entirety, no one had to queue to shop or cart stuff over.

Anyway for better or worse it suited them. ?

barbaranrod Tue 07-Dec-21 09:31:57

we have 18 people including children for Christmas lunch every year and what we do is ,i do sprouts and roasties (as being the oldest i am the best at Roast pots ha ha ) ,the other gran supplies the beef one of the adult family supplies the turkey and everyone else brings something to the table ,we have great fun before the occasion deciding what we will be bringing and this adds to the fun of Christmas also the little ones enjoy having their say ,by the time everyone has finished we have a 6 course menu ,,,Money NEVER comes into any conversations ,this works for us ,perhaps the lady asking for money may consider doing this

theworriedwell Tue 07-Dec-21 09:34:52

Exactly Urmstongran. As an example if you happen to be the best cook/have the biggest house why should you always bear the cost of Christmas Day? It isn't generally a normal meal, people tend to spend more on the meal and generally it isn't just the meal is it, people don't arrive, eat lunch and leave. In my experience having people for Christmas Day involves drinks and nibbles when they arrive, the meal, probably a nice tea before they leave.

I think some people underestimate what it will cost and also what they are saving by not buying their own meal.

theworriedwell Tue 07-Dec-21 09:36:55

barbaranrod

we have 18 people including children for Christmas lunch every year and what we do is ,i do sprouts and roasties (as being the oldest i am the best at Roast pots ha ha ) ,the other gran supplies the beef one of the adult family supplies the turkey and everyone else brings something to the table ,we have great fun before the occasion deciding what we will be bringing and this adds to the fun of Christmas also the little ones enjoy having their say ,by the time everyone has finished we have a 6 course menu ,,,Money NEVER comes into any conversations ,this works for us ,perhaps the lady asking for money may consider doing this

It isn't actually a fair sharing of costs though is it? Potatoes and sprouts for 18 is a very different expense to buying a turkey for 18. I think an equal split would be fairer but obviously it would be more expensive for you.

Shropshirelass Tue 07-Dec-21 10:17:36

YANBU. I wouldn’t go. If they were doing a meal to raise money for a charity that would be different but not the way they are doing it! I agree offer to take something if you are invited, but to be asked to pay is a great big NO in my book.

Ali08 Tue 07-Dec-21 10:42:35

YANBU.
You should ask them when they opened their restaurant and is it licensed to sell alcohol, and do they supply doggy bags to take away your uneaten fayre, or should you take your own?
And, if you were to go, you should not be expected to help clear or clean up, as restaurants have their own staff for that!!
The absolute blooming cheek of them!
Do send any gifts you bought them to someone more deserving, like maybe someone in an elderly people's home or someone in hospital!!!