We are like Luckgirl, and have spent the last few Christmases, when allowed, with our daughter and son in law.
We transfer money into their bank and mark it. Tinsel &Turkey
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AIBU
Charging family for Christmas lunch
(263 Posts)Now, is it just me, and this is the way things are done nowadays so I’m behind the times? Had invitation for Christmas lunch at a family members home, along with other family members, but the person doing the lunch requests all who would like to attend pay them x amount for the privilege, to cover the costs of the food and drink (this includes their parents having to pay, too).
Now, whenever I’ve hosted Christmas lunch, or other events, I’ve never asked the ones I invite to pay for the privilege of eating with me. Some have offered to bring something along - perhaps a dessert, some cheese, a bottle of wine, etc, which was welcome and kind- but this was never an expectation on my part, and I certainly wouldn’t have it as a condition of them being able to come, my view being that I was offering an invitation to join us for lunch or tea, not expecting them to pay or bring something as a condition for coming to it.
I will also add that the people asking for this donation have had, and continue to have, many things given to them without expectation of recompense, over the year, (every year) from many members of the family they are inviting. I think it’s especially poor that they are charging their parents, who always see them “alright” over the year.
Those invited also help with the preparation of the meal and the tidying up afterwards, plus they bring along “extras”.
The ones doing the inviting earn a high income between them - considerably more than those they are inviting to lunch (indeed, the majority are now on a low pension).
They also like to host a buffet and boozy get together on Boxing Day night for their friends and neighbours, using what’s left of the food and drink their family have paid for for their Christmas lunch, which I think is an incredible cheek (or is that just me?) - surely, if there were left overs, those invited for Christmas lunch should be having goody bags to take home left overs for which they have paid, not leaving it as a freebie for these friends and neighbours of the host.
Now, maybe I am being “bah, humbug”, but this charging doesn’t sit easily with me, although many family members have accepted the invitation with this charge (though not everyone).
So, am I being unreasonable to think this is not right, or am I completely old fashioned and behind the times? It’s just I thought such invitations to go to family for lunch were just that - invitations, with no provisos. Therefore, if you can’t afford to host a meal for extended family members, then you don’t offer to host one?
I have never heard of this before. I wouldn’t dream of asking guests to give me money. Surely this would take all the pleasure out of the invitation, one I’d be politely declining.
My youngest daughter is hosting Christmas this year. They recently moved into a large house so can cater for the family, 10 adults and 6 under 4s. Everyone will sleep over. As a family we will split the cost. Everyone is happy to chip in so we can spend the time together. Very different to being asked to pay.
Someone I worked with about 8 years ago, was saying how her sister invited all the family for Christmas dinner. Then a few days later was shocked to be told they would all be charged £15 each, even their parents.
I think they declined the invitation after that.
I think it would depend on whether they were struggling financially. It can be very expensive to host Christmas dinner, with all the attendant fripperies, drinks, etc. If my daughter and son-in-law were to offer to 'do' Christmas dinner for a change I would contribute.
That’s appalling! YANBU
Yes, I know that it can prove to be quite expensive to provide food for a number of people but actually charging your nearest and dearest to share a meal is beyond a joke.
I think I would be inclined to say I'd only go if the local environment health office had paid a visit to make sure it had been checked out to justify the re classification of the home being turned into a restaurant !
Tell them where to stick their invitation and if you can afford it and the time have all the refusniks at yours.Or have a bring and share christmas lunch with the others not attending.
Seriously? Are they joking? If not, then they are being extraordinarily mean. And you are NOT being unreasonable.
Of course, we take something to family meals, wine or a dessert or something, but to actually charge MONEY is utterly wrong. Just plain wrong.
Frankly, I think it depends on two things whether it is all right to suggest that visitors contribute to the expense of a Christmas meal or not.
The one is the income of the hosts, the other is the level of expense these family celebrations are costing.
If we are talking of a young couple paying off student loans, mortgage, hire-purchase on the car they need to go to work and bring up a family, they are fully justified in asking for a monetary contribution. And how I wish my sister and I had dared do the same at their time of life.
If however the hosts are in well-paid jobs that they have due in part to substantial financial help from parents, aunts, uncles etc WHICH THEY HAVE NOT PAID BACK it does seem rather rude.
If you feel offended, tell them so when declining their invitation. You are then unlikely to be bothered with similar invitations in the future.
In Denmark, some families have hosted Christmas in strict rotation, each set of hosts paying for everything, or adopted the scheme you have just met for years. Others have flatly said that they will provide the traditional meal, but that guests are to bring their own drink, plus anything in the way of cakes and chocolate they feel is indispensable, as otherwise by the time you add up what Christmas actually costs, you realise that you are using both December and January's housekeeping money on it.
A lot of families have either discontinued giving anyone over 18 presents, or only give presents up to a specified amount of money. Others still use the traditional "wishing list" and chose a gift from it. The writer of the list is supposed to make sure there are a variety of reasonably priced articles to choose from. r.
Surely if it's family and close friends you negotiate before hand about who will bring/pay for stuff and over the years it becomes a sort of tradition. I've always made puddings, my mum would pay for a turkey. As the host cooks and serves the food they get the left overs, (although doggie bags are usually offered)
Basically everyone invited is paying for their Christmas. Unbelievable. My daughter hosted Christmas a couple of times and I offered money as having done Christmas for decades know how expensive it is
You are most definitely not being unreasonable, more so as they’re well off by the sounds of it. Just NO.
Sunlover
My youngest daughter is hosting Christmas this year. They recently moved into a large house so can cater for the family, 10 adults and 6 under 4s. Everyone will sleep over. As a family we will split the cost. Everyone is happy to chip in so we can spend the time together. Very different to being asked to pay.
I can't see the difference, what are you chipping in? Money is the same except it is spread evenly or you are buying stuff to take, again spending money.
NannyJan53
Someone I worked with about 8 years ago, was saying how her sister invited all the family for Christmas dinner. Then a few days later was shocked to be told they would all be charged £15 each, even their parents.
I think they declined the invitation after that.
I'd happily give someone £15 for a day where I didn't have to do the cooking and prep. I've cooked Christmas dinner for various numbers for the last 51 years and it sounds like a bargain to me.
I would tell them where to shove their Paxo and it wouldn't be up the turkey. Don't offer to host Christmas if it's going to cost too much. If your family take turns, then this year's host will have had quite a few Christmas dinners at other's expense. Ask people to bring something if they want to but asking for cash? No, sorry, seems all wrong to me.
I would never dream of asking people to pay to come to my house for a meal at any time… but as Christmas day is so expensive to host with lunch, drinks supper etc I think its reasonable to expect guests to bring something towards the day. My daughter is hosting this year and we are buying the turkeys and as I ( according to my Daughter) make the best stuffing, red cabbage and tiramisu we will take those along plus plenty of booze. But I know at least 3 of the guests will bring nothing and it does annoy my daughter. Although one of them is vegan and she has already asked her to bring a vegan dish for herself.
I have heard of families divvying up who will contibute what to the party when money is tight. One person provides the turkey another the pudding, but charging? No that really is beyond the Pale.
I would decline and sort my own Christmas out. They strike me as people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing and the event would probably be deadly dull.
It’s not charging admission, ffs! It’s everyone contributing. I’m more than happy for this to be normalised. Don’t forget that most people can’t actually afford to host a massive meal with multiple courses for the whole extended family. Even bringing a trifle isn’t actually bringing down the cost that much.
It’s not charging admission, ffs! It’s everyone contributing.
And the time to discuss whether people are ok with "contributing" to a meal is before you invite them, not after, ffs. It's certainly not unreasonable to ask guests to bring a starter, pudding, crackers etc to help with costs but asking for cold hard cash from your guests isn't just cheap and crass, it's turning the event into a commercial excercise. And that has its drawbacks and responsibilities.
It doesn't have to be "a massive meal with multiple courses for the whole extended family" though does it.
I always think how ridiculous the adverts are that show tables laden down with enough food to feed a small army, rather than the 'family' all sitting around the table.
Whether it's a financial contribution, food or drink, if contributions are going to be asked for, they should be requested with the invitation, not afterwards.
I guess it depends. If the person concerned has worked out the cost and divides it between those attending who can afford it (working adults for example, not children or the retired), I can't see the problem.
If you're a family, surely family members can accept that it isn't fair for one person to shoulder the cost year in, year out. The alternative is to each supply one key component.
Sharing the cost has got to be a good way to be able to enjoy a family get together. Stuff 'custom' and 'bad manners'. Just have a nice time.
It is not a question of people not contributing to a family celebration and get-together, it is a question of expecting to pay for it rather than contribute in kind.
We have a big family party in the summer that I take my turn in hosting. Everyone is asked to bring a dish and a bottle of drink and when it is my turn I liaise with people to make sure we do not end up with 5 green salads and no potato salad. In a way this planning and organising is part of the family spirit that we organise it together.
Lack of money need never be a reason for not holding a celebration. In money strapped years I can remember holding and going to events where we all took food with us. If you are going to be eating a meal at the same time anyway, you can use the money from that to provide a dish and dishes like potato salad or rice salad are actually quite economic to make and always welcome.
I can understand that the person providing the premises and paper napkins may well not want to bear the expense of the whole meal, but there are nicer kinder and more consultative ways of sptreading the load than just demanding money.
M0nica
It is not a question of people not contributing to a family celebration and get-together, it is a question of expecting to pay for it rather than contribute in kind.
We have a big family party in the summer that I take my turn in hosting. Everyone is asked to bring a dish and a bottle of drink and when it is my turn I liaise with people to make sure we do not end up with 5 green salads and no potato salad. In a way this planning and organising is part of the family spirit that we organise it together.
Lack of money need never be a reason for not holding a celebration. In money strapped years I can remember holding and going to events where we all took food with us. If you are going to be eating a meal at the same time anyway, you can use the money from that to provide a dish and dishes like potato salad or rice salad are actually quite economic to make and always welcome.
I can understand that the person providing the premises and paper napkins may well not want to bear the expense of the whole meal, but there are nicer kinder and more consultative ways of sptreading the load than just demanding money.
... exactly!
I can understand that the person providing the premises and paper napkins may well not want to bear the expense of the whole meal, but there are nicer kinder and more consultative ways of sptreading the load than just demanding money.
Nailed it!
M0nica
It is not a question of people not contributing to a family celebration and get-together, it is a question of expecting to pay for it rather than contribute in kind.
We have a big family party in the summer that I take my turn in hosting. Everyone is asked to bring a dish and a bottle of drink and when it is my turn I liaise with people to make sure we do not end up with 5 green salads and no potato salad. In a way this planning and organising is part of the family spirit that we organise it together.
Lack of money need never be a reason for not holding a celebration. In money strapped years I can remember holding and going to events where we all took food with us. If you are going to be eating a meal at the same time anyway, you can use the money from that to provide a dish and dishes like potato salad or rice salad are actually quite economic to make and always welcome.
I can understand that the person providing the premises and paper napkins may well not want to bear the expense of the whole meal, but there are nicer kinder and more consultative ways of sptreading the load than just demanding money.
???
It's not all about the money - it's about having a bit of respect for the people being invited. Presumably they care about the family members they are inviting (unless of course they are invited just to make up the numbers) so why would you risk causing embarrassment to people who may not have much money.
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