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I feel so sad I’ll never be a nana…

(52 Posts)
CuppaTeaPlease Sun 12-Dec-21 20:41:28

My two kids (two boys 26 & 28) are both gay and both say they do not intend on having any children. I’m in no way disappointed about them being gay but the thought of never having grandchildren is just so sad and disappointing for me!

Also I’m an only child and so is my husband (his sister died when she was just a teen).

The lack of family I find painful too.

Please can someone get me in a better mindset with this, I’m so sad and don’t know how to resolve these feelings.
Thank you

Jillyjosie Mon 13-Dec-21 09:14:02

Clearly grandchildren give some people enormous pleasure but I'm with those who question bringing children into such a troubled world. It's not just climate change, the pressure on resources because of a growing world population will bring war without skilful politicians and I don't see many of those around on the world stage!
I have a very small family and have three gorgeous daughters who are not planning on having children. I had a difficult childhood and it brings me great pleasure that I gave them the opposite and they are mature and happy and in caring occupations.
When you look at the estrangement threads on GN, you can see that there are no guarantees that having children or grandchildren will bring happiness, the outcome can be devastating.
I suspect that the urge to have grandchildren may be like the urge to have children that some find impossible to resist. All you can do is try to look at the positives, having two loving sons and being able to accept their homosexuality with love is huge. Enjoy what you've got and keep an open mind for the future.

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 13-Dec-21 12:20:10

You don’t know what’s round the corner. Anything could happen. Your sons are still very young.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 13-Dec-21 12:26:49

Have you looked into the possibility of helping out at a homework club for school-children, or finding a family with no grandparents who feel the lack of them?

Are you too old to foster a child, perhaps every other week-end, become involved in the Scouts?

Volunteer at a youth club?

Judy54 Mon 13-Dec-21 14:55:55

Be happy for your Boys as Urmstongran said some Women never got their wishes to be Mothers. It can be very hard when you see other people around you with grandchildren but your Sons must live their lives as they wish. It is definitely possible for them to have a surrogate child or to adopt if that is what they wish to do in the future.

MayBee70 Mon 13-Dec-21 15:04:12

The OP is going through a grieving process for the grandchild she will never have. Not only that but there is the sadness that her boys will not have their own family when they get older. I’ve been in that situation when one of my children was in a childless situation, although a lot of that sadness was because I knew they wanted a child. However, everything changed and they now have a family so nothing is ever cast in stone. But I remember the pain I felt at the time. Having said that, I’m don’t have much, if any involvement with them these days so, even if you have grandchildren it doesn’t follow that you’ll be involved in their lives. Best to make your life as fulfilling as possible: live around the sadness but don’t let it take over your life. I can still remember crying myself dry at the time., so I do sympathise.

ValerieF Mon 13-Dec-21 15:55:06

Aww ? cuppa. Nobody can get you in a different mindset. It’s same for people who can’t have children. My lifelong friend was unable to have children but what a life she has had compared to me! So successful in her career and marriage, travelled all over world. Yes she feels she missed out but then again, so do I ?. I told her having children wasn’t the single most important thing to live a happy life (actually could be opposite filled with worries about them money worry and angst for ever more) My brother wont have grandchildren because his only son died. If you ask him, he would be happy just to have his son regardless of grandchildren.

So what am getting at is, although you feel sad that you may not have grandchildren, look at what you do have. That is the only way you will get in the mindset.

Witzend Tue 14-Dec-21 07:18:36

M0nica

*Rambling Rose* , my dear DiL had her two children at 38 and 41 and conceived far more quickly than even she and DS expected, once they decided to have children. So, there is still time at 38.

My dd had hers at 38, 39, and nearly 43. Several of her friends have been similar. One just had her first at 45.

All a far cry from when I was down in my notes as an ‘elderly primigravida’ at 28!

User7777 Tue 14-Dec-21 14:05:33

Well I know I will never be a grandma. Mine not gay, just not into kids. An animal would get more attention. I am looking into Action Aid to sponsor a girls education abroad

trisher Tue 14-Dec-21 15:19:53

When I was 26 (and 28) I swore I would never have children. I remember my GP asking me if I wanted to come off the pill because my fertility "had never been tested" and me insisting loudly that I didn't want to test it. I had my first child at 31. Your sons may change as they get older.
But I don't think it's just the grandchildren you are missing it's the whole extended family thing. Some authorities need people to take out children who are in difficult family situations. It involves regular contact and taking the children out somewhere for a day or having them to stay overnight. They can be difficult children from problem families but sharing with them some of the love you have might help both of you.

Smileless2012 Tue 14-Dec-21 15:20:29

I'll never be one either. Thought I would be when our ES's first was born but being estranged by him means we're also estranged from our only GC.

We sponsor a child User7777 and have done for 41 years through World Vision. When their education is complete, we get a new one. The money we donate also helps their local community and we get a couple of letters, photo's and school reports a year.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 14-Dec-21 16:15:24

I was vehemently against having children until I was 34. People change! I may never be a grandmother but that doesn’t bother me in the slightest - I have my son and he’s all I could have wanted and more. Try to enjoy what you have.

Peasblossom Tue 14-Dec-21 16:17:29

It’s not just the “extended family thing, it’s the loss of friendships as they move on to another phase in their lives and you don’t belong to the “get together and talk about grandchildren club.”

The OP says about all the photos and grandchildren news posted on Facebook and, of course, she can only comment, not join in.

I remember being a lunch with four friends I met up with regularly and for almost the entire lunch they exchanged granny tales. Eventually one of them said to me,
“And what have you been doing?”
“I’ve just got back from a trek round Southern Africa.”
‘Oh my grandson loves the Lion King.”?

It used to hurt a lot OP, but like all loss (and it is a loss even though they are the grandchildren you never had) it mitigates over time.

I know that many posters have said don’t give up hope, but personally, I found that when I finally gave up hope it actually liberated me to enjoy the life I have and my children for themselves.

It takes time though. So don’t feel bad about feeling sad. Own your feelings but know that you won’t feel this sad forever ??

silverlining48 Tue 14-Dec-21 16:25:38

My dd was in her 30 s when she had her first child. My other dd has not and will not have any,. I never thought we would have grandchildren but now there are two.
Most youngsters in their 20 s are far too busy having fun.
Don’t dwell on it, you have two sons, they are your family and one day, who knows you may get the news you are wishing fir but in the meantime try to focus on other things.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 14-Dec-21 16:55:10

Even if I had grandchildren I couldn’t bear to be in a group which spent their time swapping granny stories and photos. It sounds awful! Give me some intelligent conversation any day!

Skydancer Tue 14-Dec-21 17:03:08

GagaJo I feel exactly the same as you do. I dread to think what the future holds for my GS. The world seems to have gone completely mad in my opinion. It worries me such a lot.

GagaJo Tue 14-Dec-21 17:33:08

Germanshepherdsmum

Even if I had grandchildren I couldn’t bear to be in a group which spent their time swapping granny stories and photos. It sounds awful! Give me some intelligent conversation any day!

I thought this. And now I'm besotted.

Peasblossom Tue 14-Dec-21 17:42:45

Think you’ve proved my point Gagajo.

Even on a thread about the sadness of never having grandchildren, grannies just can’t help telling you how wonderful it is to be one ?

GagaJo Tue 14-Dec-21 17:44:26

It is. But as I said, if he wasn't here now, I'd prefer she didn't have one. The worry is horrible.

Smileless2012 Tue 14-Dec-21 17:49:00

Peasblossomsmile.

blue25 Tue 14-Dec-21 17:56:29

I think it’s very sensible not to bring children into this awful world currently. I hope they don’t feel pressured into changing their minds. Good for them. You should be proud.

Allsorts Tue 14-Dec-21 18:01:46

It must be sad if you want to be a grandma, but I would just be happy knowing my children were. I feel it having little family, but the fact you have a good relationship is wonderful. I think I would get a dog, enjoy him or her and sponsor a couple of children. You get photos of them and updates about their education and completely change their lives for the better.

62Granny Tue 14-Dec-21 18:10:19

Our only child always said she didn't want children but now at nearly 40 is due next week with her baby, so things change , people mature and what they want from life so never give up hope it may happen.

M0nica Tue 14-Dec-21 20:45:04

blue25 But hasn't that always been the case?

My parents were born during WW1, I was born in WW2, my children were born at the height of the Cold War and my DGC were born as the dangers of climate change became clear.

LizziesMom Sat 18-Dec-21 13:51:53

Oh I do despise the term "grand babies" It sends my skin crawling. They are grandchildren or grandkids. Grandbabies....eeh bit of a stretch. They are babies for so little why focus on that?

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 18-Dec-21 14:00:06

I hate it too, as I do grandkids. Doubtless an extension of the equally hated ‘furbabies’.