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AIBU

AIBU to not disclose compensation

(215 Posts)
Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:13:22

Ok, here goes. I will TRY and condense our 30 years financial situation into this 'brief' post. My husband and myself have always held separate bank accounts, more so his instigation to do so than mine. He has a number of pensions plus state pension plus an ample amount in bank.

I dont work due to having an autoimmune disease. Because i dont work my husband gives me £100 each month as 'spends' and he pays all bills.

I have, on numerous occasions said about having access to his savings, which considering we are husband and wife, i see the savings as OUR savings but no, i am met with an angry face and the predictable announcement that the savings in his bank are HIS life savings, in other words YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUR HANDS ON IT !

So, today in the post is a compensation cheque for a power cut we experienced a couple weeks ago, for some strange and unknown reason the cheque is in MY name despite the fact my husband pays the bill !

So, AIBU to keep and shhhhhhh ?

Riverwalk Wed 22-Dec-21 15:51:33

Germanshepherdsmum

I kind of understand where he’s coming from if he’s been the sole breadwinner during your long marriage though a divorce court wouldn’t agree with me. I would find it very hard to think of money my husband earned and saved as ‘our’ savings. But that’s just me and I have always worked outside (as well as inside) the home. If he pays the electricity bill then in your position I would feel duty bound to hand over/disclose the cheque. I don’t believe in financial secrets between husband and wife, which before anyone leaps on those words isn’t a contradiction of what I said at the outset.

A 'sole-breadwinner' is surely only able to be in that position because a wife (usually) is the main caregiver for the children and runs the household, so it's a joint-venture and both should have access to all funds, IMO.

Yes a divorce court wouldn't agree with you, for very good reasons.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 22-Dec-21 15:56:10

Presumably you keep your benefits and your husband gives you this £100 a month, do you have to cover all your expenditure - all clothes, hair etc - out of your income and keep any surplus? Or do you have a credit card as well that he pays off?

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:56:39

I think whether or not you keep this cheque is the tip of the iceberg.

How anyone can say that money in the bank is theirs after their partner is disabled and is physically unable to contribute is beyond me.

Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 15:59:38

Thank you for allllll your replies, whoaaaa im pull up here, i will mull it all over ( and get a headache in the process )

Thank you again winethanks

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 22-Dec-21 16:00:38

I said my view was just the way I felt riverwalk and that it wouldn’t be the view of a divorce court. Even with a child to look after I also had to work to pay the bills and buy food. As do many women. I realise OP wasn’t well enough to work, my situation was different.

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 22-Dec-21 16:01:40

I can’t begin to understand this ‘ mine/ yours’ scenario, so can’t really answer. He sounds like a bully....sorry.

silverlining48 Wed 22-Dec-21 16:03:18

£100 a month gies nowhere these days. A lunch out with a friend would wipe out a weeks pocket money . A couple of glasses of wine? £15 ? Hard to believe but you sound happy or having a laugh.
I had a friend with a wealthy dh, they had a very comfortable life with every luxury. She stayed home through the marriage and he gave her an allowance, but she used his cards fir everything she wanted, and she wanted a lot.
Trouble is she never had money when it came to her turn to pay for lunch.
Is that you Sue? Ha ha.
As for the cheque ..... obvs up to you.

Calistemon Wed 22-Dec-21 16:03:39

It does seem very old-fashioned to me, Serendipity22 but do you have any other income apart from the £100 per month?
The cheque will have to be paid into your account of course and I would mention it as a prelude to a general discussion about perhaps opening a joint account for household expenses etc and maybe keeping an account each.
Who pays for food? Does your DH shop or always go with you food shopping?

Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 16:03:57

Germanshephetd
Nooo credit card, whoaaa that would be a no, no.

I pay for everything out of my benefit money and £100 month, the money i am awarded for being disabled is less than £100 a month which i am extremely grateful for believe you me.

Calistemon Wed 22-Dec-21 16:07:04

DiscoDancer1975

I can’t begin to understand this ‘ mine/ yours’ scenario, so can’t really answer. He sounds like a bully....sorry.

This a financially abusive marriage

I'm getting worried now - all DH's income goes into our joint account and all mine goes into my own.

It seems to work. He pays all essential bills, I pay for holidays, clothes, presents etc.

silverlining48 Wed 22-Dec-21 16:09:41

Seriously, what we have is our joint money not his, or mine, and I wouldn’t be happy with the imbalance in your finances.

Serendipity22 Wed 22-Dec-21 16:09:49

Calistemon

Husband pays for food and i dont abuse it, never, i buy what is needed end of. smile

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 22-Dec-21 16:09:56

Germanshepherdsmum

I kind of understand where he’s coming from if he’s been the sole breadwinner during your long marriage though a divorce court wouldn’t agree with me. I would find it very hard to think of money my husband earned and saved as ‘our’ savings. But that’s just me and I have always worked outside (as well as inside) the home. If he pays the electricity bill then in your position I would feel duty bound to hand over/disclose the cheque. I don’t believe in financial secrets between husband and wife, which before anyone leaps on those words isn’t a contradiction of what I said at the outset.

My husband was the sole breadwinner, me being a stay at home mum. He was able to have children, and someone to look after them. I did everything round the house. He had a very good career.

It suited us both. He was rewarded financially, and therefore so was I. I was rewarded by being with my children from the start to when they all left and pursued their own lives, and therefore so was he.

The idea of one of us withholding anything from the other is ridiculous. We were...and still are...a team.

MissAdventure Wed 22-Dec-21 16:10:56

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Some people find this sort of stuff essential, others not so much, or not at all.
I'd love some bugger to give me an allowance!

Urmstongran Wed 22-Dec-21 16:12:49

Money can be a complicated resource. What works for one couple probably wouldn’t work for another. There’s not ‘one size fits all’ that's for sure.

Oopsadaisy1 Wed 22-Dec-21 16:13:46

I hope your home is in joint names.

Urmstongran Wed 22-Dec-21 16:17:06

What does he do/plan to do with all his savings? Has he made a Will?
??

MissAdventure Wed 22-Dec-21 16:19:01

Oh yes! A will leaving it all to someone else who hasn't had to put up with him.
That's a bitter pill.

Urmstongran Wed 22-Dec-21 16:23:30

Oh no! ??????????

allsortsofbags Wed 22-Dec-21 16:24:37

My first thought was IF - IF the cheque was in your name who's name is the account in?

I'd be more worried about there being an account in my name that I didn't know about.

As these payments are usually to the Account Holder it would suggest to me that you are the Account Holder. So even if you OH pays the bills you may be responsible if for any reason he stops paying.

With regard to your marital financial arrangements I'd want to know HOW you would be situated if anything happened to your OH where by he couldn't carry on as he is now.

What happens if he is taken ill be that short or long term? In the worst case what provisions are in place should he die before you?

I wouldn't feel very safe in such a set up.

As Hithere said you are in a Financially Abusive Marriage and if you doubt that do some research on line. Women's Aid has a good definition as do other sites.

So what you do with the compensation cheque is far less relevant than what you do about the bigger aspects of your financial safety and future.

MissAdventure Wed 22-Dec-21 16:24:44

No indeed!
He can't be allowed to get away with this!
She must put her foot down with a firm hand.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 22-Dec-21 16:28:43

You were very lucky being able to stay at home DiscoDancer and I truly envy someone who is able to be at home with their children. It still hurts even though my son is pushing 40! And you and your husband obviously worked things out very well between you and your contribution to the family and to his success was valued.
It would be interesting to know if OP has children and if her husband was perhaps a much higher wage earner than her to try to understand how this culture of financial secrecy came about. I am not high maintenance and don’t spend much on clothes nowadays but £200 a month for all your personal expenditure doesn’t sound much to me though I know that to some existing only on benefits or a state pension which has to cover everything it would be a fortune. Without knowing what income and savings the husband has it’s impossible to say if he’s being generous or mean. Certainly OP has to try to get disclosure of their financial position - if he were to suddenly die she needs to know if she would be ok or not. For all we know he might be gambling it all away.

Calistemon Wed 22-Dec-21 16:29:41

My first thought was IF - IF the cheque was in your name who's name is the account in?

I'd be more worried about there being an account in my name that I didn't know about.

As these payments are usually to the Account Holder it would suggest to me that you are the Account Holder. So even if you OH pays the bills you may be responsible if for any reason he stops paying.

Yes, me too allsortsofbags

You need to Talk

FarNorth Wed 22-Dec-21 16:38:26

As the bills come to you on your phone Serendipity you should be able to see, on there, if they are in your name or his.

nadateturbe Wed 22-Dec-21 16:40:20

M0nica

Legally, once you are married your assets and earnings are shared - or at least that is how a divorce court would see it.

I find it difficult to envisage how any marriage works where when one person becomes disabled, the other treats all the money coming into the household as 'theirs'. What about 'for better and worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health'?

However money is banked and physically managed in a family. If the underlying principle is not of a shared resource for a household, I would think the marriage was abusive.

My thoughts too.