AIBU or is my DH being unreasonable!

Sue65

I think all the concerns about‘keeping safe’ are annoying
The health minister has said we need to live alongside this virus
It will probably be with us forever in one form or another
Agreed on vaccination needed but the collateral damage will be massive if we keep on with social distancing and staying away from all risks. These include loneliness, depression. Domestic violence and child protection issues have rocketed since we all stayed away from each other
Life is a big risk for goodness sake
I’m 67 and don’t intend to hibernate away
Best wishes

Totally agree Sue65. Everything we do in life is a risk but we have to make our own decisions about the risk and do what we can to minimise it. Walking out the door and getting into my car to go to the shops is a risk - I could be injured or killed on such a journey. But I do the best I can to minimise this by taking care when crossing the road or driving but I make my own decision about what I am going to do and this is what I wish we could all revert to as we seem to have become dependent on being told what we can and can't do by the Government and now some people can't seem to go back to taking personal responsibility for their health.

‘Covid should not divide us, but do what is right for you but not allowing it to control us break relations’

I'm going to be really honest now and it might make me unpopular...but I am quite angry that unvaccinated people are putting the hospitals under pressure. There was an article on our local news prior to Christmas about someone who'd had covid and had spent months in hospital, unvaccinated and wanted to encourage people to get their vaccine. He walked out of Papworth, I'm not sure whether you are all familiar with Papworth but it's a hospital for people with heart and lung problems, they do transplants, many patients with cystic fibrosis. What a risk these unvaccinated people are putting to the other people in Papworth who could die from any type of infection, let alone bloody covid. Honestly I felt really pissed off that people just don't think any further than themselves

I think your husband and his friends need a few facts. They are being very selfish. They are relying on others to do the sensible thing - whilst, for whatever reason, they refuse. Do they have some medical reason for not having it? My son is a surgeon - he has had to forgo removing a tumour on an elderly patient as she would need ICU afterwards - this department was completely full of unvaccinated Covid patients- No room at the inn - so to speak - this is happening in many hospitals- that elderly patient did not deserve to suffer the selfishness of others - did she? I think your husband is being very weak as well - a really good friendship is founded on respect as well as other things - his so called friend has no respect for his or your feelings, sensible opinions and good health - he is putting your health in jeopardy - some friend? - your husband should stand up against this idiocy not weakly give in to it. I presume this friend had all his childhood jabs? He shouldn’t forget that the jab for German measles is given to protect other people - pregnant women for a start- the disease itself is mild in children. Covid vaccination protects others too.

Oh dear I’m in the same situation my partner just carries on as normal seeing his friends socially, he has now got covid and I’m just waiting to get it not only that I’m on immune suppressants and to top it all he tested positive the day before our first holiday in 2 years ! So we should be on holiday now instead of sitting indoors looking at this gloomy weather. To say I’m not happy with him us an understatement he is just a very selfish individual as I feel your OH is I’m afraid.

Beau If you are immuno-suppressed, I do hope your partner is staying in his own room, using a different bathroom from you if that’s possible (I’m assuming you live together), you are not going in there at at all and you are leaving food for him on a tray outside the door.

Beau1958 - I am sorry that your OH has put you in this situation, knowing full well that you are on immuno-suppressant treatment - what can he be thinking of?

Others have said that we need to live alongside this virus - indeed we do - just as we live alongside flu, German measles, measles etc. We do so by getting vaccinated against these illnesses.

And where we are facing an illness that puts many people into ICU, we need to take the steps to prot4ect the NHS.

Living alongside the virus does not mean doing nothing.

Beau, if you are immunocompromised, I assume you are aware of priority PCR testing and access to anti virals, if you test positive.
I am shocked and sad that your husband has been so reckless and has put you at risk.
I hope you manage to stay well

A selfish husband and an idiot of a friend, steer clear.

Esspee

I would be kicking him out frankly. He values his friendship above your marriage.

Many people on this thread have made valid points, both about the risk (unvaccinated v vaccinated) and the actions that could be taken to mitigate the additional risks that arise as a result of the OP's husband's behaviour.

However, what (IMHO) is the most important issue - which Esspee has touched on - is the fact that the husband here is more concerned about his own standing in the eyes of his long term “friend” than the very real concerns and feelings of his wife. Even if he thinks that his wife's concerns are unreasonable (which in my view they're not), he should be putting her well-being first and explaining to his friend that he must adhere to certain rules (eg masking etc). He doesn't appear to have any issue with masks etc as the OP says he adheres to the rules elsewhere in social situations.
It's awful that he is not putting his wife first and just taking her acceptance of his unreasonable behaviour for granted.

It is his friend who is putting their friendship at risk, not you

I agree.

Also, the issue really isn't about "keeping safe" rules being daft or whatever, the issue is about 2 people in a partnership and one riding roughshod over the others views/fears without any willingness to find a compromise.

I do think that he seems a bit in awe of this friend as he clearly feels unable to behave differently with him as a compromise for the sake of his partner! If he actually thinks that requesting that of his friend will end the friendship then he seriously needs to look at his priorities!

I think some drastic action to make him wake up to how important this is to you are needed

*Request LFTs are taken before meeting up (tho how will you know his friend has done it?)
* Move into the spare room and tell him you are keeping away from him as far as you possibly can for several days after he has met up with friend.
*Stick to it and if he is unhappy, tell him the solution is in his hands and you are willing to compromise but not just carry on regardless!

It doesn't matter whether your fears are valid or not (I think in the circumstances they are reasonable), valid or not he should be taking them into consideration, discussing with you and finding solutions to suit you both.

What a selfish git your "D"H is. Can you live somewhere else temporarily or are you stuck with him? Do you actually want to be with a man who isn't interested in your health and safety? That'd be a deal breaker for me, I know.

Beau1958 I am so sorry you are dealing with this. That is thoughtless, unkind and somewhat selfish.

As you are immuno-suppressed that is an added worry for you. Do you have advice available on what to do if you do test positive when immuno suppressed ...you may be prioritised for care/extra monitoring etc?

Vaccinated/non-vaccinated/booster/not bothered with that yet. All sorts of scenarios for people to get upset over. Bottom line fear of our own mortality yet you could get run over by a bus tomorrow. I think that we all have to live wisely, take care and enjoy as much of our lives as we want to safely. Who knows what is ahead of us, think back to 2019 you never envisaged this argument then did you!

Op is trying to live safely but being thwarted by inconsiderate husband and his daft anti vaxxer friends.

naughtynanny - you made this quite sweeping generalisation:

"There is a damn good reason these NHS nurses and Doctors, are choosing NOT to have this vaccine, along with the other 15.+ million others."

I for one do not believe that NHS Nurses and Doctors have a good reason for NOT having this vaccine - I know one or two doctors and nurses who I wouldn't trust with a bargepole, and make extraordinary comments. Some ex-nurses - one of whom is currently the UK Culture Secretary and has a history of idiocy - in my opinion.

Just because they have some knowledge in their chosen sphere of work does not make them a sound and sensible source of knowledge. Because I have some knowledge of physics then, whatever I say about mechanics or engineering must be inviolable by that same yardstick.

If 15+ million - by your count - choose not to have this vaccine that protects others as well as themselves, I choose to hold the opinion that they are not contributing to the well being of society. If these people disagree, then provide the evidence and debate with those of the opposite view, and in the same profession.

Science is not exact, but collectively we may approach a more reasoned position.

Unfortunately my #1 DS is also an idiot! He's had early covid and refused to be vaccinated. We almost completely fell out ove my attempts to persuade him to get done! We have an uneasy truce at the mo. But I don't se him even though he lives 5 minutes round other.his partner also hasn't been done, she says she's immunocompromised but she still has a roll up smoke and goes shopping etc, AIB too cynical? I think not

coastalgran

Vaccinated/non-vaccinated/booster/not bothered with that yet. All sorts of scenarios for people to get upset over. Bottom line fear of our own mortality yet you could get run over by a bus tomorrow. I think that we all have to live wisely, take care and enjoy as much of our lives as we want to safely. Who knows what is ahead of us, think back to 2019 you never envisaged this argument then did you!

Aah the old "hit by a bus" non reasoning? Well if you deliberately stepped into the path of a speeding bus and didn't try to get out of its way , then yes you would get hit......but that would be the actions of a complete idiot wouldn't it?

Covid doesn't look like going away any time soon. And we do all need to have social contact but there are things we can do to minimise risk . That's being sensible. Can you ask him to at least stay a couple of metres apart, wear a PP2/3 mask when with them , be in well ventilated places/rooms and sanitize his hands before he comes into the house. If he does that he will significantly minimise the risk. If he's not willing to do those things, you might consider putting on a mask in the house next time when he comes back, to make your point and let him see how worried you are...seeing that might strike home. If handled correctly it could be done with a bit of a humorous attitude rather than provoking an argument.

I love reading the comments but so confused with all the abbreviations
Could some kind person help me
Many thanks

Other than a demand to see this couple, is your husband otherwise doing all he can to keep himself and you safe? Is he vaccinated as fully as possible? Does he wear a mask in shops? If so, why does he feel the need to see these people face to face when it is causing you such concern?

jennycot

I love reading the comments but so confused with all the abbreviations
Could some kind person help me
Many thanks

Which abbreviations ?
Look at the Acronyms page for DS etc

At way point does your friend's human rights supersede yours?

As your husband complies with distancing and masks etc when in other people's company it would seem he does not want to appear to be a 'wimp' in front of his careless friends.

I know what I would do. When he next left the house to be with his anti-Vaxxer friends I'd lock him out and tell him that if they matter so much more to him than you do then perhaps he should move in with them!

At the very least he should agree to do regular LFTs and move into a spare room if he's determined to socialise with them as he is doing. Wear a mask or face shield when in his presence and maintain 2 metres distance. He might get the message then.

Both are very foolish and risking you and others
They should both be made to do a shift with my daughter on her ward they are all totally exhausted, and now staff are going down like flies too ..
people are dying and idiots like your husband and his friend are causing this extra loss ..
He doesn’t care much about you ! Does he, leave the idiot
If he lands up in hospital he won’t get the treatment the vaccinated are getting I can tell you that!
The staff aren’t to pleased with those, there’s talk of banning the un vaccinated from dr surgeries and hospitals in the near future and the sooner the better !!!