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AIBU or is my DH being unreasonable!

(110 Posts)
Jezra Mon 03-Jan-22 15:28:34

My OH is keen to mix closely with a long term male friend that is an anti Vaxer and does not follow any of the basic safety rules. I’ve stopped going to any social things with the friend and his OH because of this. My DH however mixes closely with this couple and I have asked him to wait till Covid is over before meeting them face to face. I have no problem with Zoom calls etc. I feel that my DH is putting me at risk because he still socialises with them. AIBU? He thinks I am and is refusing to keep contact to Zoom or FaceTime only.

CleoPanda Tue 04-Jan-22 11:56:40

He seems to be unduly influenced by his moronic friend?
Does he genuinely believe that by being responsible, sensible and empathetic to your feelings, he will lose the friendship of the idiot?
If so, it’s a pretty rotten friendship.
Is the risk of losing the friendship worth more than his and your health and your feelings?
If he understands the pandemic, safety measures, precautions etc, why is he abandoning everything for the sake of someone who clearly doesn’t care about himself or anyone else?
You need to have a very serious talk.

sazz1 Tue 04-Jan-22 11:59:41

My DD was fully vaccinated and caught Delta. She was still very ill. So vaccinated and unvaccinated people can catch it, spread it and still be very ill.
Really don't think you are at any greater risk with meeting anyone who is not vaccinated or is vaccinated. Just will often, but not always, get much sicker without the vaccine. But my friend is antivax, caught it and its very mild for her.
The only way not to catch this virus is to stay in alone.
People who are vaccinated often feel safer to mix in crowded places. I'm convinced this is how it's still spreading.
So yes I do think YABU as your OH and yourself can catch it from anyone you mix with vaccinated or not

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 04-Jan-22 12:00:42

Did you miss the fact that the friend is an anti-vaxxer Sue? You might find keeping safe annoying. A lot of us don’t.

Amalegra Tue 04-Jan-22 12:07:09

Covid is not going to go away but will hopefully morph into something akin to the common cold according to some of our more pragmatic scientists. Even colds/ ‘flu are well known to be risky to the vulnerable. However it will be impossible in the future to ascertain the exact vaccination status of everyone we meet through work, leisure or accident. We don’t know what other vaccines individuals have received, after all and therefore have accepted risks of this kind previously (eg shingles/rubella) . We must protect ourselves by vaccination if we see fit, although it is a democratic right to disagree with vaccination in our free society at present, a right I personally would hate to see lost, paving the way as it may for other and unconnected impositions. Lateral flow tests when available are a further way of reassuring oneself and others that precautionary measures are being taken. I myself am fully vaccinated, make proper use of tests (when I can get them!) and behave sensibly as much as I can. A major result of Covid seems to be divisions of all sorts in our society and personally I think these are going to take much longer to disperse than the danger of the virus itself.

naughtynanny Tue 04-Jan-22 12:15:45

Just to get some perspective on this.
Given that vaccinated people can still get Covid, and pass it on, as well as UNvaccinated people, ( as Boris has told you when trying to sell his boosters) isn't it still a pretty level playing field. Your OH might get it and pass it on to his unvaxxed friend. Who's to say it will be the other way round.

As I've said before on here, the mantra of 'you won't get it so bad if you're vax'd...' is unprovable. How can anyone know if they have it 'less bad' than anyone else, there is no score chart, no bar that can be set to police this. How many more times will an unvaccinated person cough, than you, the vaccinated one. If the vaccine was offering so much protection, why isn't it working, why are people still getting Covid, how many more jabs will you need. Number 4 is on it's way.

At the moment, there are still 15.3 million eligible people who have chosen not to be vaccinated. If you count into that eligible school-aged children over 12, the figure jumps dramatically. (Don't be fooled by the Government figures quoted of 6.1 million).

These include those amazing unvaxxed NHS staff, who were being applauded on Thursday nights last year and now face losing their jobs in April, but oh wait a minute they are good enough to see us through the winter months when the flu virus will do its worse but will be shown the door in April.

Don't you think that if these Mum's and Dads, sisters, brothers etc, are faced with losing their jobs, their livelihoods, their careers, just on a matter of principle, they would reconsider?

There is a reason they are choosing not to be vaccinated. And let's face it if anyone is in a position to make an informed choice, they are.

If you did, unfortunately, end up in hospital stuck down with Covid, and a lovely, qualified unvaccinated nurse helped keep you alive, would you be worried then if she was vaccinated or not.

There is a damn good reason these NHS nurses and Doctors, are choosing NOT to have this vaccine, along with the other 15.+ million others.

Baggs Tue 04-Jan-22 12:16:45

I think sazz1 has made some valid points. It's impossible to keep completely safe from covid unless you isolate completely from other people. This is not really practicable or desirable over long periods of time but if people want to do everything they can think of to stay safe, that's up to them.

The OP's problem is that the person she lives with doesn't want to restrict his socialising as much as she would like him to. I think neither she nor her husband are being unreasonable. I sympathise with both their viewpoints.

It certainly isn't a clear choice between reasonable and unreasonable as far as I'm concerned.

Sue65 Tue 04-Jan-22 12:18:13

Totally agree Amalegra

Baggs Tue 04-Jan-22 12:21:57

Good posts from naughtynanny and amalegra while I was composing mine.

icanhandthemback Tue 04-Jan-22 12:21:58

I'd be more concerned that your husband will respect your feelings about other people but not this one friend. I can't think of anyone (maybe with the exception of my vulnerable adult child) that would come before my husband's feelings. What is the unbreakable bond with this man?

OldHag Tue 04-Jan-22 12:22:13

My brother in law is an anti-vaxer, and is adamant he won't have it done, but then was most put out when he asked to visit an elderly uncle and was told no. These people have the right to make their choice regarding vaccination, but can't expect others to knowingly put themselves at a higher risk of catching the virus by meeting with them. I think you are being perfectly reasonable OP, and quite seriously, if my OH was happy to put my feelings beneath those of a friend, I would be seriously considering whether or not I wished to remain married to him. This is not just a question of whether in reality he is putting you at risk, but the fact that he doesn't care!

Marjgran Tue 04-Jan-22 12:23:18

An appeal to reason often fails as the other justisfies according to their reasons! Appeal to his kindness - he is upsetting you and causing you anxiety and distress

Silverlife Tue 04-Jan-22 12:24:59

Sue65 I totally agree with you...someone talking sense at last.

Grantanow Tue 04-Jan-22 12:27:35

We may have to live alongside this virus for ever but it makes sense to minimize risk. I doubt one can rely on what Ministers say when Boris's concern is to avoid another Tory backbench rebellion.

Cycorax Tue 04-Jan-22 12:28:30

You are not being unreasonable. Not sure how you can persuade your husband to take your concerns seriously. And yes, the vaccinations are very important and I hope people do take them up, but they don't prevent you getting COVID. I'm fully vaccinated but tested positive on Boxing Day. I didn't feel great but I didn't get hospitalised.

Silverlife Tue 04-Jan-22 12:30:25

I agree with Baggs...great posts from naughtynanny and amalegra

Chaitriona Tue 04-Jan-22 12:30:29

I feel very sorry for you. I am sure you care about him getting Covid, not only about yourself. Perhaps you could explain to him that whether or not he believes you are right, this is something that is very important to you, is making you very unhappy and affecting your relationship. In my opinion, he should put your feelings first in this situation, for both your sakes.

Withnail Tue 04-Jan-22 12:40:41

My husband insisted he was going to an International Conference at the start of the pandemic so I said that was up to him but he had to self isolate in a holiday cottage when he returned.

grandtanteJE65 Tue 04-Jan-22 12:41:57


The biggest concern here is that he is not respecting your feelings/concerns etc and is completely unwilling to compromise. He is putting you in an invidious position and it is not fair.

I agree with this point of view, but unhappily OP's DH probably feels that she is the one not respecting his point of view.

I don't know how the problem can be solved, because basically it seems to be one of a man refusing to consider his wife's point of view, and she is being left to deal with this.

IMO Op is right and her husband wrong, but telling him so won't make him change his mind.

If this is the only problem in your marriage, Jezra, I would, in your place, say no more about it, but continue to take precautions myself.

Could you perhaps persuade your husband only to meet these friends outdoors? Or at the very least to shower and change his clothes putting the ones he has taken off straight into the washing machine himself whe he comes home from visiting them?

If as a general rule he ignores your feelings and concerns that is different, but I don't feel justified in making that assumption based on what you have posted.

Purplepoppies Tue 04-Jan-22 12:42:22

I currently have covid. The person who passed it to me is unvaccinated.
They definitely have been more unwell. As were the other adult in that house.
I haven't had my booster yet, and now can't attend the upcoming appointment because I currently have covid.
I understand OPs point of view, I don't think its unreasonable to ask for a level of consideration from your spouse/partner, especially if they are following guidelines everywhere else apart from this friendship.
It sounds like bravado. That should never come before your loved ones wishes and feelings surely?

sazz1 Tue 04-Jan-22 12:49:25

I personally know 8 people who are fully vaccinated and caught Covid Delta. All were ill and 2 seriously ill. 1 person died (elderly with cancer) but died of covid.
Also I know 3 children who caught Delta.
1 had first vaccine and was ill for 4 days.
One aged 6 was very ill and has long covid heart problems from it
The other aged 8 had a temperature for 24hrs then no other symptoms whatsoever. Absolutely nothing.
Personally I don't think the vaccine works at all. I think the companies who make it know this too but would be bankrupt if it was common knowledge.
I have had 3 vaccines but won't be having any more.

Esspee Tue 04-Jan-22 12:54:18

I would be kicking him out frankly. He values his friendship above your marriage.

Lclaytonuk555 Tue 04-Jan-22 12:55:15

Could you ask them both to do a lateral flow test before you meet up?

4allweknow Tue 04-Jan-22 13:07:56

Do the friends do LFTs? Perhaps if they did before your DH visits or meets up with them this could be an indication of being clear though the tests aren't always accurate. Your DH really needs to be a bit more responsible towards you and himself Anti vaxers will be chuckling knowing your DH is accepting their attitude to the vaccine. Why did he bother to be vaccinated if he readily accepts the anti vaxers stance.

esgt1967 Tue 04-Jan-22 13:09:59

I would be very uncomfortable deciding which of my friends I wanted to socialise with based solely on their vaccination status - surely they are friends regardless of whether or not they have been vaccinated - have we really got to the point where we judge people on this basis alone and, worse still (in my opinion), ask them what their vaccination status is before agreeing to any contact?

Leedee Tue 04-Jan-22 13:16:31

I am not completely keeping up with the latest rules, since the government had their ‘party’ I find it all very hypocritical. But am I right in thinking you can carry covid whether you are vaccinated or not? So if this person chooses not too, then he’s surely risking it only for himself? you could be in a supermarket next to someone that had it and they pass it on? I think we cannot push our own beliefs on to others, even if family members, whatever side you are on. My elderly parents (75) are verging more towards the side of anti vax views and choose not to wear masks… my husband is vulnerable and I choose to social distance and wear a mask, yet it doesn’t stop me seeing them or pushing my views on them. Incidentally they have been vaccinated like me, but only because they want to travel and see family abroad. Covid should not decide us, do what right for you but don’t allow it to control or break relations