Funerals

My sister arranged her husbands funeral for the day of my 60th birthday party.

She was too upset to think and I completely understood how the loss of someone you love leaves you barely able to to get through the day, let alone think about other peoples concerns.

His mother has died.

Maybemaw

Not everybody has the willingness, mental strength or availability, etc to attend events, including funerals.

There are other ways to celebrate life and show support

Is it even safe to have a funeral due to covid? No, it is not at all
I don't think so

Razzy

We discussed dates and I asked him to let me know once he had some dates. He didn’t. He chose the date, told everyone else, I was an afterthought. I had told him I had a meeting in Jan that was vital as involves co-ordinating a large number of people. Literally any other work day I would just take the day off, change meetings etc. I just didn’t know if I was being unreasonable to expect him to at least try to work out the possible dates for the funeral before telling everyone. I was the last to know it seems.

Oh dear Razzy. I can see that he might have been stressed and upset but to now refuse to even consider changing the date seems very unreasonable. If he thinks that you should all go and pay respects, which is understandable, then he really should be compromising to facilitate that!

Do you actually want to go to the funeral? If you do then there needs to be further discussion.

However only you can have an idea of how he might respond if you actually tell him that as already explained this is the one day you cant do so the solution is in his hands.

He is hurting but that does not give carte blanche to just ignore your needs!

I’ve suggested I call the funeral directors. I think one factor is that my family is very matter of fact, my dad was an undertaker, he even told me when he died don’t visit his grave, just remember him in life. His ashes are in an unmarked plot, as he wanted. Whereas my OH is very traditional. I would like to go to the funeral, and I know if I don’t go I’ll never hear the end of it! Oh and that date I’d arranged my birthday night out with my best friends, for me and another friend, we only get chance to get together every few months due to commitments. However I would of course forego the evening out if it was only that on that day.

Am assuming you specified the actual date you were working so can understand that you are upset especially as the following week there is availability.
However this is his mother, your daughters grandmother . Presumably he is upset and stressed given there so much to do.
Maybe sleep on it if this has only just happened and another chat tomorrow things may be calmer and he will change his mind about the date.
If not you have to make your decision about whether to support your husband or not at this sad time.

What a strange world it's become,there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid ,now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
I am so grateful my family rally round when times are troubled .I truly dont understand why anyone would think her husband should go to his mothers funeral alone ,unsupported by his nearest and dearest .
For what its worth we've had 3 funerals since just before Christmas with a 4th this Thursday .I hate funerals but I would rather grit my teeth and support my loved ones and friends who have lost family members ,isn't that what families do?

Paddyanne

You are way oversimplifying those examples very unfairly.

"there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid "
No, the OP was questioning if she was yabu for not wanting to pick up a PJ, nothing urgent that fits in the basic needs category.

now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
The ONLY date she told her OH she couldn't make.

Life is as complicated as you make it ,family funerals come before anything else .You cant expect someone to mourn his mother without his wife supporting him....or is her night out with her friend and her work more important than he is? Maybe she needs to ask herself why she's married to him if thats the case .

And it is the daughter that doesn't want to miss 2 days of school.
In the past, they never stayed in a hotel before, so why now?

How much support will OP and daughter be if they are in the funeral as a social obligation?

paddyann54

What a strange world it's become,there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid ,now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
I am so grateful my family rally round when times are troubled .I truly dont understand why anyone would think her husband should go to his mothers funeral alone ,unsupported by his nearest and dearest .
For what its worth we've had 3 funerals since just before Christmas with a 4th this Thursday .I hate funerals but I would rather grit my teeth and support my loved ones and friends who have lost family members ,isn't that what families do?

You do know Op may not get approved for time off for her MILs funeral right?

No, funerals do not come before anything else.

Where does support for someone who you love and is in distress come in the hierarchy of things?

Just to be accurate Hithere, the OP didn’t tell him the date of her meeting until after he had arranged the funeral.

paddyann54

What a strange world it's become,there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid ,now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
I am so grateful my family rally round when times are troubled .I truly dont understand why anyone would think her husband should go to his mothers funeral alone ,unsupported by his nearest and dearest .
For what its worth we've had 3 funerals since just before Christmas with a 4th this Thursday .I hate funerals but I would rather grit my teeth and support my loved ones and friends who have lost family members ,isn't that what families do?

paddyann54
Completely agree with you. Attending a funeral is an important part in the process of mourning a loved one. The love and total support of my family around me when my beloved Mum died was hugely important to me. My two youngest granddaughters were babes in arms but were there along with all the other grandchildren. It was a wonderful celebration that I shall remember forever.
Whatever the reason the OPs OH had for choosing that particular date needs setting aside and dealing with later. I couldn't choose work commitments above supporting my OH at his mothers funeral.

I agree with you paddyanne.
We are going to a family funeral this Thursday too. We had flights to Spain booked for yesterday but chose to let the plane go without us and fly out on Friday instead. No refund. Those days are gone and Mr. O’Leary does like to hang onto his ticket sales. As with all things in life, it comes down to choices. I have made mine. I didn’t even have to think about it.

I feel the same paddyann and GrannyLaine.

So the husband failed to coordinate with the wife, knowing she had a work commitment and assumed his choice was going to work anyway

He also told all the relatives and she was the last to know

If you want someone's support, keeping them in the loop is basic common courtesy

His fault, not OP's

And again people need to realise their privilege of being able to choose a funeral over work.
A MIL is not immediate family and leave may not be approved.

I am so glad I have read some of the recent posts as I was beginning to think I was in a definite minority thinking that supporting your DH who has lost his mother or that wanting to be there to celebrate the life of a mum in law or gran rated above work or a school day might be an obvious choice.
Perhaps there is not much love lost there?
I dont see it as an obligation but something I would always see as a priority.
Mums don't seem to be getting getting much of a deal these days - dead or alive.

If as an employer I didn’t consider a MIL immediate family, I would certainly consider supporting a husband as a priority.

Whether it was sickness, a funeral or any other family crisis.

I’m glad I offered that to my staff and I believe it was repaid a thousandfold in their work and commitment.

“The measure you give is the measure you get back”

It applies in so much of life, including marriage.

I do want to go. OH said we’d discuss dates. He then booked it without discussing. Thank you to those who mentioned bereavement leave and work - I hadn’t even considered work might refuse my request. It seems the policy would not give automatic time off for the funeral at all. So it may not even be approved. I appreciate some have said funeral comes before job - would you be sacked and go to the funeral? Or not go if not approved? (I haven’t approached my boss yet). If I do get leave it will be only one day.

Peasblossom

If as an employer I didn’t consider a MIL immediate family, I would certainly consider supporting a husband as a priority.

Whether it was sickness, a funeral or any other family crisis.

I’m glad I offered that to my staff and I believe it was repaid a thousandfold in their work and commitment.

“The measure you give is the measure you get back”

It applies in so much of life, including marriage.

OK...but the employer decides wether or not you get the time off. And considering how urgent the meeting is they may not allow the OP leave.
Which is why she wanted to check the date with her husband before he arranged it.

People don't get to dictate things to their employer.

many people now decide not to have a funeral service . it is not lack of respect but a reflection of the change in attitudes to death. my in-laws had no funeral service , my brother had no funeral service and it is in our wills not to have a funeral service. let us face it- the dead don't know if you are there or not

It's a mark of respect to the person who has died, and not something I would miss if at all possible.

I'm amazed and shocked at some people's attitude to the death of a close family member. What is happening to (some) people nowadays?
I agree wholeheartedly with &Paddyann* and others.