Funerals

sorry Paddyann

The dead don’t know, but the living do.

They know when the the person they looked to for love and support wasn’t there for them.

?

And then they need to use critical thinking and determine if the person who wasn't there couldn't be there.

When I've arranged funerals the pressure, grief and unusual situation has made me muddled. Perhaps your DH was just in a state and forgot the date you gave him.

I once put my grandfather's teeth and suit (meant to be taken to the undertaker for dressing my grandpa) in a street bin in my confusion. I arrived at the undertakers with a bag of lunch packaging and my DH had to go back to the bin to fish the right bag out!!

There will be other work meetings, other birthdays with friends, other school days, but only one MIL funeral and only one chance for you and your daughter to hold your husband's hand through it.

Paddyann's post summed it up perfectly. I'd be very surprised if any employer in the U.K. didn't approve leave for the OP to attend her MIL's funeral. This is covered by ACAS:

Employers should be compassionate towards a person’s individual situation and should take into account that everyone deals with death differently.

Employers should not discriminate against employees when deciding on time off. For example, not allowing an employee to attend a religious ceremony after a death could be indirect religious discrimination. Employers and employees should agree together how an employee takes time off for both religious and non-religious funerals.

I'd definitely ask either for time off for the funeral or for the meeting to be rearranged Razzy.

My MiL has just died. We didn’t have a particularly close relationship over the years but I will go to her funeral to support my DH, her son. It would not occur to me to miss it. All companies give compassionate leave for a family funeral in this day and age. Grandchildren, unless very young, can go to understand what happens. If the OPs daughter doesn’t want to go then she should not be forced to do so. There’s a lack of communication here but also a man is in distress because his mother has died, he is organising her funeral which, as we all know, is a complex thing at the best of times. Nights out with friends are unimportant in the context and circumstances and can be rearranged surely?

I’ve stated a number of times that I would of course cancel the night out no question. ACAS is not the same as an employer. I have read my policy and it clearly states that I would not have automatic right to time off. Yes they may show compassion but the meeting will not be rearranged, it has been in the diary ages and is setting procedures for a major change. Yes I could miss it and catch up individually with everyone at the meeting, in my own time, over the next month so I could support OH. I rarely saw my OH’s mother, most of her family saw her once a year if that. One of the other in-laws is not coming for practical reasons but some other family members are going.

Then, you must make your choice and live with any consequences. Only you can decide really.

I think if it was me, I’d send flowers/charity donation, to show a friendly tone to your other relatives, but I wouldn’t go myself. I’d try to keep explanations, to enquiring relatives, light and blame-free as much as I could, tho truthful if push comes to shove - (which is probably more than OH deserves, but it’s nice to be nice..) And I’d arrange for daughter to go to her nan’s funeral - or, even better, let OH make all the arrangements for her to go with him - and he can try to change things for her to only miss 1 school day, or explain to her his reasons why not. But she should go to her nan’s funeral, and she may feel very regretful later if she doesn’t.

If it’s been in the diary for ages, why didn’t you tell him the exact date?

It doesn’t make sense?

You've been some excellent suggestions on here Razzle but none of them seem to have been any help so it looks as though you'll just have to make a decision, one way or the other and suck up that either your husband, or your employer, is going to be disappointed. Only you can make that decision and I wish you well with it, whatever you decide.

I didn’t know the exact date when he asked me, I didn’t have my calendar with me, so we agreed to discuss dates. Never happened!

So, are you so vexed with your OH (probably due to grief confusion,) that he made a mistake and didn't involve you in booking the arrangements and now you won't go with him? Or are you willing to speak to your employer to see if a compromise can be reached? If the funeral date isn't going to be changed, for whatever reason, it's you that's left with a decision to make. And only you can make it.

My main question was if I was unreasonable to expect my OH to discuss dates with me (as planned) knowing there was only one day I couldn’t do. I understand he is grieving, but I didn’t get why he would want to choose the one day that puts me in a dire position with my employer, when literally any other date would be no problem. I will of course talk to my employer to see if it is possible to go, but according to my contract it is not a given and depends on work needs.

It's strange that in all the time he was telling other people it never crossed his mind to let you know first.

Of course he should have got back to you to see if that date was OK.

I think it likely though that in the months ahead he will do some other very trying things because that’s the effect grieving has on a lot of people. I think my husband and children had to be very understanding after my mother died. I wasn’t on the ball at all.

Bereavement can be tough for everybody. It’s only love that sees us through?

Your husband was organising a funeral and may have been offered a limited number of dates and times, or maybe only one. He was probably agreeing to a time during his discussion with the funeral director and your work commitments were probably not something he was thinking about. I think that’s perfectly understandable, given the circumstances. Or perhaps he didn’t realise how important the one date (which he didn’t know?) was to you or thought that work would have to manage if you were ill, which would be the case. I think his actions were understandable. I do think that I would have expected him to try to rearrange the date, but maybe he had told too many people for that to happen. It would be my absolute priority to attend my MIL’s funeral and to support my husband on a difficult day - a day he will remember and relive many times.

So if her dh wasnt aware the date was a problem, why does he refuse to change it?

How do posters justify his lack of willingness to make it work with OP?

I don’t understand why the date can’t be changed. It’s the obvious solution.

Sorry, I think you are being insensitive.

Razzy, you ANBU to have expected your husband to discuss the date with you before he booked the funeral and told other people before he told you.
Suggestions of not attending, sending a donation or flowers - this is your husband’s mother, not a distant relative. You attend funerals not just out of respect for the deceased but to support the bereaved. We are attending a funeral with a 4 hour round trip to support our friend, who has a large family, at her mother’s funeral. We only met her mum 4 times. I guess it depends on how much you love your husband.
Can’t you explain the situation to your employer and ask if you can attend the meeting over Teams or Zoom? You won’t be there for the whole meeting or for the whole funeral but it’s a compromise. I also can’t see an employer refusing your request.

You don't HAVE to go to the funeral and neither does your daughter. Your husband is not the boss and cannot MAKE you go. Did you ask your husband why he set it for the one day you couldn't be there?

As a matter if interest, I did not attend my mother in law's funeral and my (now late) husband didn't attend my mother's funeral. We have dogs and no one to leave them with aso one of us stayed at home and the other one went. Both mothers knew us well and would have completely understood. If its so important to your husband that you should be there, it was up to him to arrange the day so that you could be.

nandad

Razzy, you ANBU to have expected your husband to discuss the date with you before he booked the funeral and told other people before he told you.
Suggestions of not attending, sending a donation or flowers - this is your husband’s mother, not a distant relative. You attend funerals not just out of respect for the deceased but to support the bereaved. We are attending a funeral with a 4 hour round trip to support our friend, who has a large family, at her mother’s funeral. We only met her mum 4 times. I guess it depends on how much you love your husband.
Can’t you explain the situation to your employer and ask if you can attend the meeting over Teams or Zoom? You won’t be there for the whole meeting or for the whole funeral but it’s a compromise. I also can’t see an employer refusing your request.

surely if her husband had wanted her support, he wouldn't have booked it on that day?

Forsythia

My MiL has just died. We didn’t have a particularly close relationship over the years but I will go to her funeral to support my DH, her son. It would not occur to me to miss it. All companies give compassionate leave for a family funeral in this day and age. Grandchildren, unless very young, can go to understand what happens. If the OPs daughter doesn’t want to go then she should not be forced to do so. There’s a lack of communication here but also a man is in distress because his mother has died, he is organising her funeral which, as we all know, is a complex thing at the best of times. Nights out with friends are unimportant in the context and circumstances and can be rearranged surely?

all companies DO NOT automatically give leave to attend funerals, it depends on the T's and C's of the employment contract

Think in that case most woukd take a days annual leave