Funerals

Doesn't take much to confuse 'em Razzy!

Chewbacca

^surely if her husband had wanted her support, he wouldn't have booked it on that day^

Alternatively, her husband could have been struggling with the enormity of what he was having to sort out in the aftermath of his mother's death and maybe he wasn't thinking straight. Anyone who has been bereaved knows just how much there is to do, just at the time you're in a state of shock and trying to hold it all together - even if their loved one's death was expected. Just a thought.....

I agree. Pretty shocked by this thread.

I am finding your husbands attitude really peculiar. Like he is setting you up to fail.

He went to work and arranged it all and not at one moment did he think "I need to let my wife know before Tom, Dick & Harry"

Grief is not an excuse for continued poor behaviour. He had a lapse in judgment and now that it has been pointed out it is for him to correct.

I would give him two options and then tell him the conversation is over until he gives you your decision.

1. He changes the date and you attend.
2. He does not and you do not.

Well, as I said, we are all different, but I wouldn't dream of giving my husband any ultimatums when he was about to bury his mother.

I doubt many people would.

It would be nice to hear back from OP as to whether her husband changed the date.

Peasblossom

My sister arranged her husbands funeral for the day of my 60th birthday party.

She was too upset to think and I completely understood how the loss of someone you love leaves you barely able to to get through the day, let alone think about other peoples concerns.

His mother has died.

Yes, I went to a funeral of someone who wasn't even a relative of mine on my 70th birthday. I was fond of him and could celebrate on a different day. I felt it was important to go to support family members.

His mother has died.

It doesn't seem that important to the OP, just MIL being inconvenient (probably again).

Really, some of these threads lately stretch credulity to the limit.

Just to confirm, I didn’t have the party ?

Me I’m suspicious of a fair number of posts.

I had socks for Christmas and I made puppets out of them?

Really interesting the different approaches to life and death that people have. No my OH has not changed the date. He refused to even talk to the funeral director. He has already told school our daughter will be out two full days. I have asked work, but as I say it is going to be difficult and I don’t know if I will be allowed to go. I hold a quite senior position and so my not being there will create masses more work for quite a few other people. That isn’t to say it couldn’t be done. I’m sure my OH will cope fine without me. I coped fine when I went to my mother’s funeral on my own, as he didn’t come.

I think there are bigger problems here. He didn't go to his mother in law's funeral to support his wife? You both sound quite disconnected from each other

Germanshepherdsmum

dogsmother you have absolutely no idea of what I was doing which meant I had to delay my mother’s funeral. By about two weeks. When I say I had no choice I mean it. Unless you have been lead lawyer on a highly complex major and time-critical project you can’t begin to understand. It is not a matter of work being more important. I doubt you have ever been in the position I was so don’t presume to judge me. My mother certainly wouldn’t have, nor did anyone else.

My son’s a barrister and so I completely understand where you’re coming from GSM.
The point is that even funerals have to be arranged so that key mourners can be there. My MiL sadly died recently and we asked for the funeral to be on a Friday so that our family including our sons could attend more easily. We all live some 250 miles from where the funeral was to be held. It so happened that my son should have been in court that morning (as a judge) but the case was able to be passed to someone else, otherwise he would have had to miss his Grandma’s funeral. It’s not always possible to rearrange work commitments.

Here is another point.
Graveyards are full of important people who can't possibly not be around for work.

You told your DH the one day you would not be available. I would tell him he has the choice of either changing the date or accept that you will not be attending.

Tulpia

You told your DH the one day you would not be available. I would tell him he has the choice of either changing the date or accept that you will not be attending.

Agree!

OP

How old is your daughter?

Tulpia

You told your DH the one day you would not be available. I would tell him he has the choice of either changing the date or accept that you will not be attending.

Only after he had arranged the funeral.

Sorry but the story doesn’t add up.
The information is:

She’s in a senior position, it was a very important meeting at which her presence is crucial, it had been arranged and in the diary for ages, but she couldn’t remember when it was when he asked? And then didn’t let him know as soon as she could.

Now there’s all kinds of extras like well he didn’t come with me.

If this is for real then really it’s just about looking for an excuse not to go?

Graveyards are full of important people who can't possibly not be around for work.

Ain't that the truth.

paddyann54

What a strange world it's become,there was a thread about a daughter complaining her mother wanted her to do errands for her while her dad has covid ,now a wife who believes her MIl's funeral should be put on hold for her job and her daughters schooling!!
I am so grateful my family rally round when times are troubled .I truly dont understand why anyone would think her husband should go to his mothers funeral alone ,unsupported by his nearest and dearest .
For what its worth we've had 3 funerals since just before Christmas with a 4th this Thursday .I hate funerals but I would rather grit my teeth and support my loved ones and friends who have lost family members ,isn't that what families do?

I didn’t know the exact date when he asked me, I didn’t have my calendar with me, so we agreed to discuss dates. Never happened!
Not on your phone?
Something so important would be imprinted on my brain.

Hithere Tue 04-Jan-22 20:26:58
Paddyanne

You are way oversimplifying those examples very unfairly.

No she isn't. Paddyanne is right.

However, Paddyanne, not everyone has love or compassion for their families.
My DD flew 10,000 miles to be at her Grandma's funeral and rearranged all her very important work commitments, other people had to take over.

As for the OP losing her job - who is going to sack her as she sounds as if she is the boss? It's just a work meeting, albeit an important one.
She wants the funeral rescheduled - why not reschedule a work meeting? Far less trouble.

I would say the OP is not only being extremely unreasonable, she is completely devoid of any compassion.

Not a scrap of sympathy for her husband, who has lost his mother, or for the rest of the family, no evidence of even the mildest of regret about the death of her mother in law, simply complaints that her husband was told to consult her before arranging dates but didn't, yet she was unable to recall the date of A Very Important Meeting, booked for months, which takes precedence over even death, apparently.
I don't know why this woman is even considering attending this funeral when there is not a shred of concern evident for anyone but herself. The only reason for going is : 'because I would never hear the end of it.'
If it is true.

Thank you maddy, and my condolences on the loss of your mother in law. It's sad that some people just don't understand and make comments about graveyards being full of people too important to take time off work, which I take as a personal insult. If any of those making that comment had been my client at that time (not that you would have been as it was a corporate matter) I bet you would have raised merry hell if I'd left you in the soft stuff and I would have expected a negligence action as the loss would have been enormous. As it was, when the instruction came through my secretary took the call as I was at my father's funeral. The client only decided not to go elsewhere when she told him the reason for my absence. I'm afraid some of you really have no idea. I'm truly sorry about the number of funerals you've attended lately paddy but I do wish people would refrain on passing judgment on a situation that is beyond their personal experience. I have every sympathy with OP because of my own experience and I hope that whatever she does doesn't go against her family- or work-wise. I'm afraid employers can have long memories when it comes to promotions and salary reviews, unfair though that may be.

It wasnt some people.
It was me who made the comment.
I'm not sure why you have taken it as a personal insult, because it's a bald statement of fact.

I really don't want to respond to the rest of you who speak about 'just a work meeting', 'she's the boss' (she's not) or her lack of sympathy or regret - I can only imagine that none of you have been in very senior positions carrying onerous responsibilities - but of course you will all say you have. I won't dignify comments to that effect with a response. On the basis of the comments I have read, I very much doubt it. I have been there and will remember the awfulness of it until the end of my life (when of course I will join all those 'important' people - which I have never claimed to be).

OK MissA I will make an exception for you alone - it is not a statement of fact. Try to have some compassion and understanding. It may have been 22 years ago but to me it could just have well been yesterday.

“I’m afraid some of you really have no idea”

Nope. That’s right. I have no idea how I managed over a hundred employees?

Of course, I’m just saying that.

I was really the cleaner ?