Holiday with another couple

OP, I have a similar problem. We have taken and loved many cruises and suggested friends take their first ever cruise with us for 2020. Cancelled and again in 2021. Opportunities to cancel without penalty appealed to me but DH and they wanted to go ahead so I was outvoted. I'm still not in the mood for it this year and having seen more of them during covid think they will be hard work on what should be relaxing when DH and I do our own thing depending on where we are. Should have been more assertive but you reap what you sow.

You don’t need to suck it up. You just say no.

I never understand people who get themselves into these situations. I would not have told them I was even going. Tell them sorry, the holiday is booked. If they insist just tell them you want to holiday by yourselves. They sound very presumptious. We never holiday with other people, have heard too many stories where couples holidays (as in with another couple) have ended up a disaster.

Thank you all for your comments. Sorry I haven't responded sooner but I don't check GN at the weekend.

I had a text from the lady of the couple saying they had booked the holiday - same hotel! - and 'you will have to put up with us now haha'. My heart sank and I didn't respond.

Maybe I am just super sensitive but I would have got the hint if someone had booked a holiday without inviting me. Clearly, they were not invited or we would have mentioned it before we booked.

Unfortunately for us, they have been to the holiday location before. So, they will be keen to show us around which will make it harder for us to say we are going off on our own.

I do wonder if my husband does want them to join us. However, on previously holidays it was DH who got fed up with them first and moaned about them more than I did.

I want to book a holiday for September (Covid permitting) but it has put me off even thinking about it.

I am not a good liar and if they asked if we had anything booked it would be obvious if I was lying.

I have always been an easy going person which means that my needs often come bottom of the pile.

I also think I am quite an introvert and can only spend so much time in others company before I need a break from it all

PinkCosmos
I understand how difficult it must be for you to confront these people, but believe me, you won’t offend them, they’re thick skinned.
I have one such friend ( a widow) . Last year she invited me ( and a friend of hers) to go to Spain for a week.
When she asked, I laughed and said you must be joking, spend 24hrs a day with you and ( friend)
She looked a bit taken back but then laughed herself.

I feel for you PinkCosmos as it sounds like the other couple don't like spending time alone with each other - you're obviously too gentle, too nice to say no - me too. It would be better to keep your holiday plans to yourself in future but can you trust DH (who seems to prefer a quiet life) to keep schtum? I felt like the wicked witch too.

We've twice been away with another couple but while it was quite pleasant it just wasn't as relaxing as the two of us. I got the impression that the other couple were just on the 'right side' of having a disagreement and it was only our presence which kept the lid on it IFSWIM. I wouldn't repeat the experience.

MerylStreep - I think I would need a few glasses of wine before I could say that.

Lovebeige - I am too soft and put everyone else above myself. I tend to bottle things up rather than rant and rave - which isn't good I know.

Similar to you Lovebeige , the holidays we have had with them haven't been unpleasant but not as relaxing as it would be with just the two of us.

I don't think I do trust my DH to keep quiet if we book another holiday though I have never specifically asked him to keep quiet about this holiday. I know he is keen to book something for September but I think it will have to be part of the deal that we don't tell anyone.

The other couple don't know I am peed off and it will probably stay that way as I wouldn't want to upset them as they are good friends. It's just the thought of going away with them for eight days. I think they must be thick skinned to even think it was OK to invite themselves.

PinkCosmos as they have now booked then you really need to deal with things in advance rather than just suffer! See my earlier comments but also:

* sit down with your husband and remind him he got fed up last time
*agree what YOU BOTH want on the holiday
*tell friends you need a conversation
*state clearly what you want when away re having time just the two of you
*state that even though they have been before, part of a holiday treat is finding out for yourselves so you WILL go off alone sometimes
*word it all as statements! NOT asking but stating as fact politely and sticking to it

You are entitled to enjoy your holiday!!! Remember that when wavering

Secondly book the next holiday you had planned. Don't lie, state clearly that you have booked it and wish to go alone. If they suggest booking at same time state that no you wish to go just the two of you and if they wish to go there could they please book another week.

Good luck! ?

PinkCosmos

I am too soft and put everyone else above myself. I tend to bottle things up rather than rant and rave - which isn't good I know.

... it's never too late to change - tho' not easy... and you're right, it isn't good to bottle things up.

In your position, personally, I'd rather cancel the holiday altogether and either re-book somewhere else, or spend the time at home doing things I wanted to do.

Her telling you "you will have to put up with us now ha ha" would have been a challenge too far for me. She / they clearly have no respect for you, regardless of the friendship, so I'd have to cancel and make it quite clear to her / them that I was an individual in my own right with a desire to do what I wanted without being dictated to by them. Jeez, they haven't even got the sense to understand whilst on holiday that you might want to do your own thing for a couple of hours - and tell you that they are going to come with you! They are either very thick-skinned or very arrogant, or maybe both.

Of course, you won't cancel the holiday and will try to make the best of it. But you do need to have a 'talk' with your other half and make it clear that you are not going to go on holiday again with him if they are going to tag along as well.

This is your time, your life - you will never get these lost hours back again. You say you get along well together - maybe it's because you acquiesce to their demands? Whatever, I'd be ditching them at the first opportunity.

Oh dear. I do sympathise. I have a very extrovert neighbour whose pet phrase when I turn down the third invitation in a week, is “I absolutely insist”. When I have the energy to stand firm with a “no” as opposed to “no thank you”, she becomes petulant. It is hard because I end up doing things that, while not unpleasant, are not what I’d choose or, what feels worse, I feel rude when she won’t take no for an answer,
Can you mitigate by arranging with the hotel to have a table for two at breakfast and tell the floor manager not to let the others change this. That way maybe you have a better chance of spending at least part of the day off on your own.
Better still of course, but requiring a lot of courage, would be to change the dates, especially if there is no extra cost. We can’t buy time, and I have found it easier to say no because of covid, enabling us to prioritise our own choices and not be second fiddle. Easy to write but not at all easy to do.
What was your husband’s reaction to the news? Does that give you wiggle room?

Feelingmyage55

We can't buy time...

Exactly - well said. We are in the waiting room so to speak and time is very precious...

PinkCosmos

Thank you all for your comments. Sorry I haven't responded sooner but I don't check GN at the weekend.

I had a text from the lady of the couple saying they had booked the holiday - same hotel! - and 'you will have to put up with us now haha'. My heart sank and I didn't respond.

Maybe I am just super sensitive but I would have got the hint if someone had booked a holiday without inviting me. Clearly, they were not invited or we would have mentioned it before we booked.

Unfortunately for us, they have been to the holiday location before. So, they will be keen to show us around which will make it harder for us to say we are going off on our own.

I do wonder if my husband does want them to join us. However, on previously holidays it was DH who got fed up with them first and moaned about them more than I did.

I want to book a holiday for September (Covid permitting) but it has put me off even thinking about it.

I am not a good liar and if they asked if we had anything booked it would be obvious if I was lying.

I have always been an easy going person which means that my needs often come bottom of the pile.

I also think I am quite an introvert and can only spend so much time in others company before I need a break from it all

Change it if you can...and go somewhere else. Holidays are expensive, and meant to be enjoyable. You’ve enough to worry about with covid, without uninvited’ friends ‘ in the mix.

Put your foot down with a firm hand and say NO.

I could have written your post PinkCosmos
A few years ago we bumped into a couple we'd lost touch with and started meeting socially. They used to tell us about their holidays and it was obvious they always went with other people.sometimes a large crowd, I did say we would hate that and liked to go away just the two of us, they ignored this and whenever we mentioned going away they took it for granted they could come with us. Like you I hate any sort of confrontation and I know they would be very hurt if we said they couldn't come. I've been quite amused at the advice to tell them you want a romantic break, in our case anyone who knows us will think that a huge joke. It's been the one advantage of Covid, they don't want to go abroad but are now hinting at staycations. Oh to be assertive like some people on here.

If anybody did that to me I would change the dates we were going.
No way would I put up with others spoiling our holiday.

Where are you planning to go? Where, exactly, is a good holiday destination - in a worldwide pandemic - I'd really like to know. How could anyone relax and enjoy themselves while taking massive risks? Or - is it a hypothetical question?

It is possible to learn how to be more assertive. And worth doing!

Don’t put yourself through it, you’ve tried it and didn’t enjoy it so be firm and say no before it ends up becoming the norm!! We never went away on a long holiday with friends but did once go on a weekend break. Although that was quite enjoyable it certainly wasn’t as relaxing as being on our own, there were also certain incidents that drove us nuts. A holiday is something to look forward to, away from it all (and everyone) time to relax and do just as you please. If you go with another couple you end up fitting in with them and they with you when you would probably all rather be doing something else. There’s often one of the party who likes to dominate and starts trying to set the itinerary and this causes tension. I do know people who have tried it and its almost ruined their friendship. I’m sure there are some people who much prefer going with another couple or in a big group, good luck to them.

I've just started reading this, as a lifelong people pleaser. I think it could help a lot of people. Cursed with niceness, as they say.

Book a holiday in September and don't tell anyone, just go. Hopefully they will soon get the hint. If not, bluntness may be all you have left.

Say it's a second honeymoon - surely they won't invite themselves?

Good luck pink cosmos. I understand this holiday is already booked by them, so water under the bridge and try to enjoy.

Try to be a bit more assertive with your daily plans though. If you know the day will be sunny and she likes to lounge at the pool, just say we are planning to go into town; museum, whatever first thing after breakfast and will join you around the pool for cocktails,

Don't feel you need to do what ever they want. Announce at dinner your plans for the next day, so they can decline if they want to lounge., but try to stick to your guns!

We like to holiday with friends, some more so than others. We do have a couple that are hard to get moving, so we have made sure over the years to let them know the plans for the next day in advance.

dolphindaisy

I could have written your post PinkCosmos
A few years ago we bumped into a couple we'd lost touch with and started meeting socially. They used to tell us about their holidays and it was obvious they always went with other people.sometimes a large crowd, I did say we would hate that and liked to go away just the two of us, they ignored this and whenever we mentioned going away they took it for granted they could come with us. Like you I hate any sort of confrontation and I know they would be very hurt if we said they couldn't come. I've been quite amused at the advice to tell them you want a romantic break, in our case anyone who knows us will think that a huge joke. It's been the one advantage of Covid, they don't want to go abroad but are now hinting at staycations. Oh to be assertive like some people on here.

Dolphin Daisy - this is exactly what has happened. I am more worried about upsetting other people, even though they have been quite rude and demanding, than making demands myself.

Also, the romantic break wouldn't wash either . We did go away in September -on our own - but that was a delayed holiday to celebrate our special wedding anniversary. Maybe we should make it a thing to always go away (alone) on our anniversary. Maybe I could invent some other anniversaries e.g. day we met etc.

The other couple used to go caravanning with other people and on holiday with one other couple more recently. I don't know what happened between them and the original couple but they haven't been away with them for a few years and seem to want to go away with us now.

The other couple have been together since they were teenagers ( so 30-odd years) and have the same hobbies - cycling, walking etc., which they do together. Maybe they are bored with one another's company.

Ailidh

I've just started reading this, as a lifelong people pleaser. I think it could help a lot of people. Cursed with niceness, as they say.

Thanks 'Ailidh* I will order the book.

I think for what you pay for a holiday, you have to be sure and happy what you want from it. Clearly me and hubby like our holidays for ourselves. We both still work and value our time for each other. Though on one holiday we did make friends with a couple and when we hired a car we took them to a place of interest, to which both couples went our separate ways then to meet back at the car. That was ok. You have had a couple of holidays with your friends but it seems you both like doing different things, just let them know you and your hubby for once want to have a holiday of your own. Good luck

We started going away with a friend of mine when her marriage was breaking up, and she and her husband didn’t want to holiday together. My husband just likes to do his own thing when we’re away, so it usually ends up that my friend will suggest a sightseeing trip and we go together, and my husband reads his book or listens to cricket etc. I never feel under any obligation to do things with her. Can you set a different routine if you go away with them this year, saying what you want to do, and arrange whatever trips you want to make with your husband?