To think friend was disrespectful

Floriel

I hope poor OP isn’t feeling too bruised today because I think this forum became increasingly hostile and judgemental. In fact it sums up what I dislike about GN. We may agree with her, as I did, or not, as most did, but please can’t we all be a bit kinder? Calling into question her personal friendship and taking the moral high ground about judging by appearances is unfair and unnecessary. At our age we should surely be more tolerant and supportive. Heaven knows life has thrown slings and arrows at most of us, we don’t need to throw them at each other.

I think the OP’s original post was quite “judgey” and set the tone for the responses. But an AIBU post is a debate at the end of the day.

Shakespeare said it best “the apparel oft proclaimeth the man” meaning of course that people often judge others on how they are dressed.

You are not responsible for her. You made an effort. That’s all that matters.

maw I tend to agree. Horrified OP showed this thread to her unsuspecting friend.

After reading the said posts I can see both sides , but , personally, if it were myself then I’d have at least had change of clothes and put on a bit of slap to join the others for meal out as it does show some respect to present yourself looking like you’ve made an effort - regardless of what one thinks , others do notice . Think I would feel bit disappointed in my friend if she didn’t do the same , more so if that’s what she would normally do .

I wonder when men will be expected to "put on a bit of slap" to prove that they've made an effort.

It's up to her what she wears of course and no reflection on you so I wouldn't give it a second thought. It was lovely of the couple to want to take you out and it seems it was a special occasion for them and they dressed up as did you. I would have done likewise as a mark of respect to them but maybe I'm old fashioned.

Define "dress up". So far I'm getting the impression it just means don't look ordinary or dull in the opinion of judgmental people.

Oldwoman70

OK so lets clear up a few things - this is a friend I have known since school days, she usually dresses up every time she goes out. I have since mentioned to her that perhaps she could have made more of an effort - and she agreed, she didn't explain why she didn't this time. I have shown her this thread - her comment? "Wow - why on earth do you belong to a forum where people are that nasty!"

Wow - why on earth do you belong to a forum where people are that nasty!"

I'm wondering why she is still friends with someone who would criticise her on social media and then show her the responses.

Oldwoman70's friend - wear what you want when you want. I'm sure you're lovely just as you are without slap etc and you sound like a very kind person.

This can't be real, surely.

The couple
You helped would of enjoyed the meal and company, regardless of what anyone wore. I think let it go, it’s just your opinion and no one else was probably bothered by it. Shame to let a good deed and a nice meal as a thank you ruin what sounds like a nice evening for the couple, just because your friend didn’t dress to your standard..

Doesn’t every man wear slap and pearls? Goodness, where have I been?
???
For the avoidance of doubt, I am joking.

Personally shocked at the judgmental
responses to this post.
Sounds like playground bullying to me.
I find it difficult to understand why someone would submit themselves to such a pounding and I suspect the writer is in a lonely place already.
Bullying is never pretty. You can all do better than this, you are all better than this..

kwest I disagree

My inital response was very kind - until I read that the OP showed this thread to her friend and that shocked me as it seems an unkind thing to do.

I suspect the writer is in a lonely place already.
That is not the impression given in the OP.

Well, I personally would like you have changed my clothes when invited out.

You haven't mentioned whether your hosts had changed or not.

Could your friend have felt it better not to dress up in case the lady who was just out of hospital hadn't done so?

If you felt your friend should have changed, why did you not say so to her, when you picked her up?

I frankly can't make up my mind whether you are being unreasonable or not, but it doesn't seem the sort of thing that is worth bothering about, unless you hosts were obviously hurt by her casual clothes.

I assume you've approached your 'friend' about this before being so publicly judgemental about her appearance. Wonder what her reaction is to your comments.

you showed this post to your friend????????
What were you thinking???????

You went to an effort, put on make up which was not normal for you to make the evening special for yourself and for your hosts and as a mark of respect for them. That was a nice thing to do. You are now seeing a message of disrespect because your friend did not do the same. But this message may not have been intended by her or read by your hosts. They wanted you both to have a nice time. I am sure that was what was most important to them, that you both enjoyed the evening. You and your friend were both generous in your actions. I think we can be happier ourselves if we can also be generous in out thoughts about others though It is not always easy to do.

I don’t wear make up and live in jeans, so I’d have just gone as me I’m afraid.

Hey each to his or her own - if someone is buying me a meal I couldn’t have cared less what they wore so long as I was comfortable with what I was wearing I would not care what anyone else wore !!

Beckett

Oh the irony - all those accusing the OP of being judgmental - being judgmental!

When you pose a question in a forum titled "Am I Being Unreasonable" - you are asking people to make a judgment. By its very nature, the title indicates that the responses will be "judgmental".

The original post was misleading. The OP did not mention until later in the thread that her friend usually did in fact make the effort to dress up for such occasions but, for some reason, didn't bother this time - a piece of information that might have elicited different responses.

Once upon a time the lady TV news caster would have worn a ball gown in the evening. Not now. the matter of changing clothes has been discontinued in most cases.

Here is a modern amusing event of a TV news reorted dressing up and getting it wrong
www.mirror.co.uk/3am/style/tv-reporter-makes-awkward-outfit-20095512

Don't tell your friend off. Dressing up really doesn't matter. Covid has made alot of us wear our clothes as if they were daily uniform. I am going on a residential course at the end of the month and have been amazed at what I have found in my chest or drawers not worn for 2 years.

I am now creating a look. Helped by a purchase from a catalogue.

Omg this is on of the battiest posts ever ! Talk about first world problems ! If the OP has such a great and open relationship with said friend why post in here ? Then why show said friend ? Why then OP be rude to some of bothering to reply ! I’m going to be rude now and ask you to please get a grip !!

I haven't read all the responses but enough to know that I'm going against majority opinion. I think it would have been courteous to make an effort and dress up a little bit,especially as older people are still most likely to dress up themselves to go out for a meal so yes, I think it would have been respectful to them. After two years of slopping around in old duds I'd welcome an opportunity to scrub up.

Jaxjacky

I don’t wear make up and live in jeans, so I’d have just gone as me I’m afraid.

You and I are so disrespectful for not wearing makeup.

It reminds me of a school report - "Callistemon must make more effort"

I don’t think the OP is unreasonable.
Some years ago we invited two couples to a ‘dinner party’, not supper or nibbles but specified it was a ‘dinner party’. One couple dressed to the nines, as did my husband and I, other couple turned up in jeans and T shirts.
Being very polite, I said nothing, our friends were horrified and the man looked at the two in jeans and actually said ‘you could have made an effort’ (among other things).
It was a very strained evening and whenever I have invited the jeans wearers subsequently they have refused if the well dressed couple are coming too.