To think friend was disrespectful

Callistemon21

Jaxjacky

I don’t wear make up and live in jeans, so I’d have just gone as me I’m afraid.

You and I are so disrespectful for not wearing makeup.

It reminds me of a school report - "Callistemon must make more effort"

... must make more effort

That was on just about every school report for just about every pupil back in the 50s!

Callistemon21 mine was always ‘could do better’ ?

I would be most upset if a friend posted about me on a forum about how inappropriate she thought I’d dressed for an occasion and then showed me the posts!
Hope it doesn’t damage your friendship. She does appear to be a very tolerant lady though.

I'm 50 /50 on this .

I'm inclined NOT to say anything to your friend .

Or perhaps , try some subtlety - let's go out for a posh tea /lunch and are you going to wear that lovely floral Coast dress ?
You look wonderful in it .

If I'm invited out ; I take time to shower, spray myself with scent ,put on a nice dress ,make up my face and possibly take a small thank you gift either at the time or to be given afterwards .

But then, I was brought up in a formal household .

I think that without exception all my foreign born friends - would have said surely you aren't going out like that, are you ?!

I think that my French friends would actually refuse to associate with this lady ,because they regard going out as extremely important and not behaving in the "correct "way an insult to the host !

Imagine my disquiet, when a friend invited me to a dance party and proceeded to tell me to dress up .

I can see why she said it -I normally wore a uniform of dog walking /gardening clothes !

I had to resist saying ,you aren't going to let your 13 year daughter choose your clothes for you are you ?

She is a huge woman and her petite daughter would dress her in frills and bows .
People laughed at her behind her back .

And by the way ,please can you be ready on time ?

As waiting for her for well over an hour sometimes two was the norm !

Of course ,I resisted .

Anything goes these days regarding dress code. Does it matter that she hadn't dressed up? No-one really cares what people are wearing these days. I think you are being unreasonable. I am sure the man and his wife didn't care and were just glad that they could treat you as a thanks for your help..

Oh dear. Does it really matter?

I too think it’s a sign of respect and good manners to change before going out to dinner. No need to doll yourself up but just a nice dress or even clean jeans and a nice sweater.
But please don’t let it spoil your friendship next month you will have forgotten about it. Maybe she didn’t want to go in the first place and that was her way of protesting.

Classic AIBU thread.Pages of response to the first post then the OP adds some key facts she hadn't mentioned before, despite several people asking. she usually dresses up every time she goes out. that short sentence completely reframes the thread.

That information should have been in the original post, forget all my responses, none of which I think were nasty, they were all made on only a partial reveal of the facts.

Why do OP's do this?

I always think DIM
(Does it matter) and no this doesn't.

I agree with LauraNorderr, so much kindness that I doubt anyone thought anything of it.
In these difficult times, most of us are used to not going out. Perhaps the thought of dressing up was completely alien to your friend?
Like you, I would have done hair, dressed up and worn make-up. But you can't expect everyone to do likewise really.
Hope the meal was yummy and that the "wife" is feeling better. x

It's interesting isn't it, Esmay, thinking of the norms in different countries? You're right, some European countries have stricter dress codes, but we've always found the Americans much more easy going than us. I put on a presentable summer dress and low heels to the Grand Ole Opry and was way overdressed. Someone asked me in the Ladies whether I was "going on somewhere, honey?" I thought I was already there!

We were flummoxed when we went out to an upmarket restaurant with very well-off friends out there and they rang our hotel room from the foyer to let us know that they were in "golf shirts". DH and I panicked a bit as we hadn't a clue what that meant - still haven't! - but we seemed to pass muster.

Even if OP had said " my friend dresses up everytime she goes out", who is she to correct her attire that day?

It was an informal meal, not a business meeting with the CEO!

How she dresses reflects on her friend only, not on the OP

Dickens

Germanshepherdsmum

Spot on Maw.

I second that.

I'm more and more baffled by the OP's motivation.

Posting on a forum about a friend's apparent lack of respect, then showing her the responses, and together condemning the "nasty" people for sticking-up for said friend... .

yes, i'm wondering if OP is in fact a bored teenager having a good laugh at us all, having achieved such traffic.

Can’t believe 6 pages about what someone wore/what she should have worn. Really?
The End? Surely. ! DIM indeed.

Oldwoman is a regular, longstanding poster, so once again, no reason for people to doubt her.

Personally I would have changed and put a bit of slap on - if for no other reason that I so rarely go out for a meal anywhere these days I'd want to have made a bit of an effort.
My late sister in law used to change her clothes at least 3 times a day and her husband used to come home from work, shower, change and whatever he changed into (and sometimes only worn for an hour) used to put it all straight into the laundry basket - but then he didn't do the washing and ironing!
If your friend was comfortable with going out as she did, that's her choice - but I would have been really hard pressed not to make a comment along the lines of " Nice to see you made an effort!"

M0nica

Classic AIBU thread.Pages of response to the first post then the OP adds some key facts she hadn't mentioned before, despite several people asking. she usually dresses up every time she goes out. that short sentence completely reframes the thread.

That information should have been in the original post, forget all my responses, none of which I think were nasty, they were all made on only a partial reveal of the facts.

Why do OP's do this?

I made a similar comment upthread.

And that - later furnished - bit of information does make a difference. If the friend usually dresses up for such occasions it begs the question why she didn't on this one.

And we still don't know why she didn't- the OP didn't ask her.

I know it's difficult to think of every relevant detail to put in an initial AIBU post - but the missing bit here was quite important.

... as for showing said friend the posting, who then decides we're a nasty bunch... well, I don't know what to say . I think I might scroll past these AIBU posts in future...

kjmpde

if she was on time and clean - not dirty clothes- then what is the problem? maybe she has no other clothes to change into. i have no fancy clothes either.

Read the thread. Op has said friend usually dresses up,

Define "dress up". So far I'm getting the impression it just means don't look ordinary or dull in the opinion of judgmental people.

Wearing something that I wouldn’t wear round the house or garden or go hiking in or wear on the boat, that I personally like, feel is stylish and feel good in.
Wearing some jewellery with it.
I would put make up on but I don’t think it’s an essential part of dressing up.
Nothing to do with other people, except that I’d conform with norms around occasions such as weddings, funerals or other celebrations.

It's quite possible to tell someone you think they're being unreasonable without all the vitriol.
Some of you should try it sometime.

Ok. You felt rather overdressed for this occasion, and want to blame someone. Understandable I suppose. But let it go.

Is she always scruffy? Or does she scrub up well?! If the latter , then no YNBU some people haven't a clue..... Rude!

ExaltedWombat

Ok. You felt rather overdressed for this occasion, and want to blame someone. Understandable I suppose. But let it go.

I don't think this is a case of blame. You're a tad odd?

Esmay

I'm 50 /50 on this .

I'm inclined NOT to say anything to your friend .

Or perhaps , try some subtlety - let's go out for a posh tea /lunch and are you going to wear that lovely floral Coast dress ?
You look wonderful in it .

If I'm invited out ; I take time to shower, spray myself with scent ,put on a nice dress ,make up my face and possibly take a small thank you gift either at the time or to be given afterwards .

But then, I was brought up in a formal household .

I think that without exception all my foreign born friends - would have said surely you aren't going out like that, are you ?!

I think that my French friends would actually refuse to associate with this lady ,because they regard going out as extremely important and not behaving in the "correct "way an insult to the host !

Imagine my disquiet, when a friend invited me to a dance party and proceeded to tell me to dress up .

I can see why she said it -I normally wore a uniform of dog walking /gardening clothes !

I had to resist saying ,you aren't going to let your 13 year daughter choose your clothes for you are you ?

She is a huge woman and her petite daughter would dress her in frills and bows .
People laughed at her behind her back .

And by the way ,please can you be ready on time ?

As waiting for her for well over an hour sometimes two was the norm !

Of course ,I resisted .

I only own one dress and I don't like it, the last time I wore it I felt uncomfortable.
My mother only wore trousers in later life when she proudly bought a trouser suit; she said to me once she couldn't understand why her sister always wore trousers! I must take after my aunt.

Not wearing a dress doesn't mean I'm not clean and haven't washed and blow dried my hair.

I think that without exception all my foreign born friends - would have said surely you aren't going out like that, are you ?!

Not Aussies, then?
I remember one farmer friend turning up for dinner at her DS and DIL's in clean jeans, a new shirt only to find the other lot in ball gowns!

ExaltedWombat

Ok. You felt rather overdressed for this occasion, and want to blame someone. Understandable I suppose. But let it go.

How do you come to that conclusion?!