What to do on death of a loved one

I agree that the world has changed; many towns no longer have local newspapers, many people don't have home phones any more so the best way to reach people about a death would be social media.

As for social media fundraising; I have never come across it for a funeral, but have for families in need because of a medical trauma of some sort. It usually is started by a family friend with good intentions, and everyone has a choice to give or not.

Face it, in days past, the church and local charities would support people in times of need, but many do not belong to church congregations, and small local charity groups have folded for lack of volunteers. Social media is the new way of getting things done.

We’re all different. The few friends and extended family we have aren’t on FB.

I think there's a lot to be said for posting information about a death on social media. More than 20 years ago I met a friend in the street, it was the end of the summer holidays and I'd been away for several weeks. I asked how she'd been and how was her husband. I had no idea that he had been killed in a road accident at the start of the holiday. I think these days, I would have known and been able to handle the dreadful situation with more compassion. It was truly awful! With regard to asking for help with funeral costs, having had a relative die just before "covid" I was totally shocked at how much the funeral cost, not a problem for us as the estate was more than able to cover the costs but it made me wonder how some families cope. tbh I'd rather help with funeral costs than send a bunch of flowers if I knew that the family were struggling financially, who wouldn't?

Sending thoughts lucky girl ?

Sashabel, I have been fortunate in not losing a very close loved one in recent time. I know people who have and yes, some have posted their loss on Facebook. It’s similar to a post in the local newspaper - the world has changed. Births, deaths, marriages often posted on Facebook rather than in the local paper.
O don’t know if you feel judgemental but that’s how your OP seemed to me

My husband died nearly five years ago. The circumstances were so traumatic that it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to post on social media at the time. After the funeral, however, I was dealing with the last of the seemingly endless paperwork and it dawned on me that he had a FB account. The site allowed me to post on his timeline and gave the online tools to leave what amounted to a eulogy and to give details to those people who might otherwise not have known. I have since taken over his account and his original content is left untouched - it still gives me comfort to read through it from time to time. He wrote the way he talked and somehow I feel closer to him.

Each to their own,what ever helps with the greaving.

We might pick up the phone (or get someone else to) to inform distant relatives (and old friends) of somebody's death and the funeral arrangements. The younger generation, though, communicate through social media instead.

Crowdfunding for funeral costs seemed to begin with the tragic and unexpected deaths of younger people - often set up by friends, rather than family. I see nothing wrong with it, after all, many folk can't suddenly find £5,000. There's no obligation to make a contribution, although some of us want to help out.

So, it's just the way things are changing - although I was very upset to be informed of the sudden death of a close friend - by text (that was cruel and thoughtless).

@Dibbydod

The Poster is in no way disrespecting anyone who has lost a loved one and how they personally deal with it...

The OP said...

" You read how grief stricken the relatives are, but they have managed to find the time to post all the details for all to see. I maybe stirring up a real hornets nest here, but I just can't understand it."

It might not be disrespectful, but judgment is implicit in that last paragraph.

... "you read how grief stricken the relatives are but... it's that but that gives away the OP's opinion...

When my brother died on December 4th last year I did tell my friends about his death. All the people on Facebook page are only known to me and my family so it was a personal event.
My face book page is arranged so that only my chosen friends can see what I post.

(((Hugs))) lucky. I can't believe it's been 2 years.

My mum used to say 'what ever gets you through the night'.

I would much rather know about someone’s death through social media than not at all, as it gives an opportunity to express condolences to the family.
I am sure too that it must give comfort to them to know that friends and acquaintances hold them in their thoughts.

Making a brief announcement on FB to inform friends who may not have heard about the death of a loved one is perfectly acceptable, and I was not referring to that in my original post. It's the people who use such a sad time by using these platforms to have their "5 minutes of fame" that I am uncomfortable with. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough in my original post for so many of you to take this as a personal offence, for which I apologise.

My only issue with posting a death on social media, is the anonymity people have when responding.

We had a tragic car accident here in the last few weeks, where two young people lost their lives. The local police Facebook page carried the story, with tributes to the young people who died, and those who were injured, and asking if anyone had dashcam footage.

There were hundreds of replies to that post, including close family members and friends, and the vast majority were beautiful heartfelt tributes to those young people

But as always there were the few who saw fit to speculate on the cause of the accident, and also write some very untrue statements, which can only have added to the distress and pain felt by the family members.

Social media is a quick way to "announce" the death of a person to those you are in contact with by those means. But personally, I would be cautious, due to the vitriol that can be spouted under the cloak of anonymity.

I don't think OP meant to upset of judge anyone. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. I'd not use social media to announce a death, but my daughters probably would. I'd not want a 'Go Fund Me' but there may be some who would. I've learned from this post, nothing wrong with different and new information.

Not everyone can afford to have an announcement of the death of their loved one in the local newspaper these days souse social media instead. Nowadays Funeral Directors also use social media to inform people in the area of a death of a member of the community. I’ve had a FB account for 13 years now and have rarely seen fund raising requests to cover funeral costs.

It's the people who use such a sad time by using these platforms to have their "5 minutes of fame" that I am uncomfortable with.

Who are these people I cannot help but wonder? I have certainly never seen or heard of them.

Your apology is welcome Sashabel and I accept that your intention was not to offend or upset. However, a sense of negative judgement is inherent in your posts and I hope that some of the responses here will have given you an opportunity to rethink that.

My mother died on Sunday evening. I’m one of seven siblings and on the way home from the hospital I phoned each of them, in age order, to inform them of her death. By the time I arrived back to where I’m staying my older brother had responded to a FB post from his nephew, then followed it with a post to say, “Your nana died tonight”. ?‍♀️

Fortunately my nephew didn’t see it until the next morning, after he’d been informed properly of the death by his mother, but my brother has a mild learning disability and has no idea that what he did was insensitive and inappropriate.

Everyone has their own way of doing things and at a time when people are grieving I’m happy for them to do what suits their own particular circumstances.

'Sashabel' my understanding of your post was exactly the same as 'Dibydob'. I'm sure you had no intention of upsetting anyone. I often feel a lot of people here do not properly read a post before responding

Sincere condolences grannyactivist x

People do and say things (which may seem odd to others) when traumatised by grief.

I must add that I myself posted here on GN not long after my dh had died.(I don't do fb)

The messages and support were of great comfort and I will always be grateful for those that helped me to somehow get through those horrendous days.

for grannyactivist - I hope your mother died peacefully.

DS wrote a beautiful FB post about his father’s death, I put something in The Times and the Yorkshire Post. Both elicited responses from people we would not have contacted directly but which gave us comfort. By and large it’s age related, I think.

By now FB must reflect the whole of society so it is not surprising that what is acceptable to one person is inexplicable to another. Luckygirl

I suppose we're all different and, once immediate family and close friends have been informed social media is a quick way of letting everyone else know.

My only reservation would be someone being told of the death of a family member and then rushing to post it on FB before other family members or good friends have had the news broken to them.