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AIBU to be annoyed with my friend?

(48 Posts)
aonk Tue 15-Feb-22 20:32:14

Yesterday I had a coffee with a long-standing friend. We don’t meet as often as we used to because she is caring for her elderly disabled mother. She asked me about a holiday I’m taking in March wanting to know about the covid tests requirements. I explained that we would be tested before we leave but not before we return. She was horrified and said that it’s people like me and my DH who are causing all the increase in cases and preventing her mother from going out and mixing. I felt this was unfair but said nothing. It’s left a nasty taste and I don’t know where to go from here in my relationship with her.

Granniesunite Tue 15-Feb-22 20:33:35

Read something like this just recently.perhaps the replies for that thread could help you.

V3ra Tue 15-Feb-22 20:41:03

There's nothing to stop you from doing a test yourself once you return before you meet up with your friend. Would that help?

Coastpath Tue 15-Feb-22 20:43:12

The original post yesterday didn't contain all the information and so the replies were a bit sketchy to say the least smile based on the lack of information.

I'd say your friend is obviously very concerned about Covid and probably reacted as she did because of that. We've all been trying to follow the rules as we interpret's not been easy for anyone. It would be a shame to fall out over something about which you didn't even challenge her at the time.

If I were you I'd either try to talk to her about this or just move on and pretend it didn't happen.

Peasblossom Tue 15-Feb-22 20:52:03

Cut her some slack. She’s obviously worried about her Mum.

Why not take a test on your return. It’s free and easy to do.

Beswitched Tue 15-Feb-22 20:53:21

Looking after a vulnerable loved one during Covid is not easy. Her anxiety levels are probably through the roof.

Urmstongran Tue 15-Feb-22 21:05:38

For her, do a test. It’s better than being cast as the Grim Reaper.

Marydoll Tue 15-Feb-22 21:23:20

As someone who is CEV, I can understand your friend's anxiety regarding her mum.
Sometimes that makes us respond differently to situations and people.

Fortunately my friends get this and offer to do an LFT, prior to meeting me. I don't ask, they offer. That's what makes good friends.

Show a little compassion and count yourself fortunate that you are able to go on holiday, some of us aren't. Your friend is probably a little envious of your forthcoming trip.

If you value your friendship, offer do a test on your return, before meeting her, it really doesn't take much effort.
I doubt very much if your friend is casting you as the grim reaper, she obviously is worried about her mum's vulnerability. Covid hasn't gone away, whatever people may think.

As for being angry with her, I don't understand that at all.

Hithere Tue 15-Feb-22 23:35:35

I see your friend's point.

Grandnana Wed 16-Feb-22 04:42:08

The last couple of years have been very stressful for many people, and we have all got through it in the best way we can - often having quite firm opinions about it.
My friends have had hugely different boundaries, and I realised that the best way to proceed was to respect those of the most cautious. So for instance, I still have one friend who will only meet me outdoors, another who will let me into her home but won't meet anywhere else, and so on.
I'm so pleased that you managed to say nothing. As others have said, test on your return, maybe leave it a couple of weeks before seeing her again, and test before you meet up (and let her know you're negative). Hopefully that will make the next meeting easier and save the friendship.

rosie1959 Wed 16-Feb-22 06:04:21

You are right OP her comments were unfair and incorrect but I suspect the stress of caring for her mother has changed her perspective.
As others have said offer to test before meeting her. You are no more likely to be positive just because you are going on holiday and rates are not increasing.

Ali23 Wed 16-Feb-22 07:12:15

I know how she feels about Covid risks and travellers, although she expressed it a bit clumsily, I admit.
My DH is CEV and so was my late mum. It makes you spend your life on high alert to risk, and as society becomes less cautious you feel like the risk is growing.
I avoided a family party recently because those throwing it are unvaccinated and so are many of their friends. A relative remarked to me that this is their risk to take, and my reply was, yes it is, but it’s not my risk to take.
I agree with others that the most compassionate thing to do would be to tell her that you’ve been thinking about what she said and have decided to take a test on return. She really will appreciate it.

Sarnia Wed 16-Feb-22 07:27:37

If your friend has been caring for her elderly, disabled mother through all this she is probably knackered. I understand where she is coming from. Taking a lateral flow test costs nothing and would give your friend peace of mind and you too, as well.

dogsmother Wed 16-Feb-22 07:42:11

I understand you explained the guidelines to her and that you would be following them. I too think don’t worry so much, it could be a a little bit of exhaustion and even envy that you are escaping for a break. I also believe a lot of people are still very afraid and this will take a long time to pass. Try not to hold it against her.

recklessgran Wed 16-Feb-22 07:56:12

I am CEV and fully jabbed [ 4 doses as opposed to the normal 2 and a booster]. Even so that doesn't actually afford me the same level of protection that the rest of you have. I can see this from both sides - I completely understand your friend's take on it although it sounds as though she was a bit "clumsy" in how she's worded it. Likewise. I respect your need to get your life back on track and start enjoying yourself again which of course should mean being able to go on holiday!
Like others, I'd advise contacting her and saying you've been thinking about what she said when you met and you'd be happy to take a LFT on your return before meeting her in order to help protect her and her Mum.
Either way I hope you have a lovely holiday.

tickingbird Wed 16-Feb-22 08:00:46

I think it’s getting a bit silly now. I’m vulnerable due to a lung condition and have had the email regarding the new treatment and received the PCR test through the post.

I’m fully vaccinated and have twice been in close contact indoors with people who have tested positive 24 hrs later. I didn’t get it. I also know several people who have caught Covid since being vaccinated, one 86, and, apart from bad cold symptoms, have been fine.

I really do think people need to calm down now.

Humbertbear Wed 16-Feb-22 08:05:36

Friendship is a matter of swings and roundabouts - the good has to outweigh the bad. If this is the only thing that she has said to upset I would let it go.

Liljan Wed 16-Feb-22 08:31:41

Ticking bird..I’m sorry you feel the way you do. Of course people need to get on with their lives however there are those who just can’t. My husband has been vaccinated but still spent August-November in hospital due to COVID and tests show that he still has no antibodies, he almost died and is just beginning to walk again…should he catch it for a 2nd time there is little chance he would survive. Telling people they “need to calm down” says a lot about your ignorance and lack of empathy.

nadateturbe Wed 16-Feb-22 08:40:50

It might not be required, but I think it's still sensible to do one on return.
We aren't required to wear masks in shops but many are still doing it.
Your friend was very blunt, but she's probably quite stressed.
i think I would reassure her that you will do one as soon as you return.

tickingbird Wed 16-Feb-22 08:47:29

Lilian. Please don’t bandy words like ignorance around or accuse me of lack of empathy.

Although your husband’s experience has been deeply traumatic for you both, we cannot cite individual cases as reason to carry on living this half life. I have a friend who is clinically vulnerable but won’t have the vaccine, she mixes with all and sundry and is fine. I have a close friend who was admitted to ICU with blood clots on his lungs and almost died. This was 48 hrs after having the booster.

I am learning a new language with a group in a small room. The teacher told me she can’t go to France as she isn’t vaccinated. I don’t feel uncomfortable and I have no idea if the rest of the group know and a couple of them are in their sixties. Live and let live.

Marydoll Wed 16-Feb-22 08:49:04

Lillian, what a difficult time for you and your husband. ?

Telling people to calm down. Is indeed insensitive. I have three different conditions, each which have made me CEV in their right ( triple whammy) and am immunocompromised into the bargain.
My consultants are still advising me to be extremely vigilant and cautious, despite having had three primary vaccinations and a booster. I too have been offered access to anti viral, which has increased my confidence and lessened my anxiety.

I am getting on with my life, but am aware, as I have been told even now, I don't have great immunity to Covid and it would probably still kill me.

Every situation of us is different. OP, please give a thought to your friend, who must be exhausted.
I know the strain on my husband and a friend, whose wife hasn't left the house in two years, due to having a liver transplant, is beginning to take its toll.
Your friend needs you to be a bit more understanding of how she feels.

JaneJudge Wed 16-Feb-22 08:53:21

Sounds like your friend is overwhelmed aonk. I'm sure she doesn't really think you are the sole cause of infection rates. Go and enjoy your holiday flowers

love0c Wed 16-Feb-22 09:03:17

aonk Different opinions on here. If you do not wish to fall out with your friend, I would make a bit of space between you. You deserve your holiday and want to look forward to it. She will spoil this for you. Make excuses and do not see her for a bit. I think her accusing you and your DH of keeping this virus going is to put it mildly is really unkind of her, not to say it is untrue! The country, indeed the world has to keep going. There is no choice. Enjoy your holiday! smile

luluaugust Wed 16-Feb-22 09:05:36

I've said before this wretched thing has a lot to answer for. Just let it go, if she has been a good friend to you up to now she is probably stressed out and very tired. A quick LFT before you meet again should help her. Have a good change of scene.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 16-Feb-22 09:07:21

I agree with your friend.