How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

Actually get yourself out of there as quickly as possible is not necessarily advice I would give. Mine would be speak to organisations with experience of this who can support you with this situation.

Are you suggesting that posters should have just given a two word answer and not tried to offer advice, support and encouragement,
No, and nothing I have contributed to this thread suggested that at all. I have no idea where that idea is coming from.

The answer to her problem is not "suck it up and make the best of a bad job" it is "get yourself and you daughter out of there as soon as you can".
Who said that? I haven't seen a single post that said anything of the kind, or even implied that this is what the OP should do. FWIW, my own suggestions were to consider her daughter, to squirrel away money in case she should change her mind, and to keep a diary of the things he says to undermine her confidence so that she remains aware that his comments do not define her.

I agree that the OP would be better off away from this man, but respect her right, as an adult, to make her own decisions, which she was very clear about, and simply pointed out that all the 'LTB' posts are ignoring the very thing that the OP has asked us to understand.

Twisting my words won't alter any of the above - my posts are still there.

DaisyAnne

Doodledog

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

I agree and hope the OP felt my answer took her decision into account.

I can't see how it can help someone who appears to be under a level of coercive control for us to add to that coercion.

I fail to see how the answers that have been given can be classed as further coercion.

Friday asked "how to find happiness in yourself in a turbulent marriage".

The answer is "you can't".

Are you suggesting that posters should have just given a two word answer and not tried to offer advice, support and encouragement,

Friday is in a nightmare scenario, fearful, lost and very confused.

The answer to her problem is not "suck it up and make the best of a bad job" it is "get yourself and you daughter out of there as soon as you can".

grannypiper

If your Daughter was living such a life, what would your advice be to her i wonder ?

A very valid point grannypiper.

I know the OP is "not looking for a divorce" and is probably hoping that we might accept that and give advice on how to weather the - what she calls - "highs and lows of marriage". But from what is then described it's fairly obvious that these are not the highs and lows of your everyday marriage. And I think that's why most grans are speaking almost with one voice.

Apologies - I suggested a book which is highly relevant but I gave an incomplete title. The correct title is
Stop Walking on Egg Shells and its by Kreger Randy and someone else.
I like the advice given above by granny piper. Also - ask yourself what advice your future self - say 10 years from now - what does she advise?

If your Daughter was living such a life, what would your advice be to her i wonder ?

I would get myself financially independent of him and when the time comes leave!

Doodledog

I think we need to remember that the OP has decided to stay with her husband, and whereas that may not be what we would do, we don't know all the reasons behind her decision. They may be cultural, for instance, or there may be other valid reasons why she has decided to stay.

As Riverwalk points out, the OP specifically asked for advice about how to make the best of the situation she is in, and whatever we feel that we would do about going or staying, I think we should respect her decision to stay put.

I agree and hope the OP felt my answer took her decision into account.

I can't see how it can help someone who appears to be under a level of coercive control for us to add to that coercion.

I had a terrible first marriage and walked on egg shells. I felt as if I could not manage on my own because I had 'shrunk' - my confidence had gone. I really feel for you. I think you need the chance to see the world differently - from a different mental viewpoint - not from the egg shells. I wish I had sought support to do that far sooner. If you can, find a therapist just for yourself - your husband is not going to be open enough to get benefit from therapy, from what you say. Go on your own to Relate too might help. Read a book called "A Woman in Your Own Right" By Ann Dickson and there is a book called 'Walking on Egg Shells' by Kreger Randy and someone else. It is about getting your life back. Books may be a good first step for you. Later you may feel more able to get support and maybe to consider a life free of this pain.. I wish you well with all my heart.

To quote your original post: I walk on egg shells

Do you really think that your child will not notice this? That she will not be under stress from this? That she too will finish up doing the same thing? Is that what you want for her? Is that what you really want?

DerbyshireLass

FridayisComing.

As the daughter who was brought up in the exact circumstances you describe I cannot urge you strongly enough to think again. If not for yourself, then for your daughters sake.

I am sorry to be blunt, but if you truly love your daughter and have her best interests at heart then make that move, as soon as you can.

Get your ducks in row, gather information, open a private bank account if you haven't already done so to give yourself some "escape money". See a solicitor to find out your rights.

I am 70 and back in the day women were trapped in abusive relationships, no money, no where to go. My mother had no choice but to endure but its not like that now. There is help for you.

You have a well paid job so can support yourself and your daughter and the courts are now much more aware of abusive and controlling spouses, especially if you can provide evidence. So keep a diary. Log everything, keep a record of texts, even record any instances of verbal or physical abuse on your phone.

At the moment your husband is only controlling and manipulating you but you can be sure he will start on your daughter the minute she finds her voice and utters the word "no".

Even if he doesn't and he treats her like a Princess, do you think she won't notice the way he treats you. What lessons do you think she will learn.

Don't be fooled into thinking you can play this sick game of "Happy Families" and that you can find a measure of peace and happiness within your marriage. You can't.

Don't be a martyr, dont throw your life away but more importantly please safeguard your daughter. Give her the protection she deserves.

My mother didnt protect me and whilst I understood why she couldn't and whilst I adored her, it didn't stop me from resenting her at times. And it did affect my relationship with her.

I had to learn to distance myself from her, leaving home very early purely to escape. Whilst I never denied my parents access to my children (their grandchildren) I continued to maintain that distance in order to protect them from his cruelty.

Visits were less frequent than I know she would have liked but she gave me no choice. My duty was to my children, to keep them safe. And whilst I hate to rub salt in your wounds it is your duty as a mother to protect your daughter.

If you don't, you will pay the price further down the line. You may well end up alienating your daughter and losing her love and respect.

I know you are afraid and you think you are doing the right thing by keeping quiet and not raising your head above the parapet but sadly you are mistaken. It Is not the way out of this mess.

Sacrificing yourself on the altar of a marriage that is toxic is not the answer,

Spot on .... to the outside world our family was fine ... but for those inside, especially us vulnerable children, it was a nightmare.

As an adult I can understand better what was happening and why, but being in such a tense atmosphere and being a pawn trapped in this sick game when young and powerless ..... believe me it never leaves you.

You have made the choice to play the game of Happy Families when you know all is not right. You think that by expanding your life you can find satisfaction; but your child cannot do this. She is stuck in this - she has not choice, She is learning every moment about human relationships, and she is learning something that is highly distorted. If you think she will not find this uncomfortable, you are entirely wrong.

She will gradually realise that this is not how all families are; that the outward show is not the reality - and she will find it very very puzzling. Keeping up a pretence that all is well is not something that a child should be burdened with.

You have calculated what you see as the solution - but your child needs to be in that calculation - centre stage.

You are young now - you have the chance to help your child have a healthy upbringing - it is too late after the event.

The Family Court is now VERY focussed on controlling behaviour and its impact on not only the recipient but also the children involved. Google Practice Direction 12J and www.childcontactlaw.family or any of the other postings by specialist Family Law solicitors
to see the way in which the court now analyses this behaviour and stops the abuser from having contact until he or she recognises and changes attitudes.

Germanshepherdsmum

I don’t think OP would have had more than one response if people didn’t try to get her to think again about her decision Doodledog. I hope the experiences of others will cause her to reconsider. We have given her food for thought. It’s not an exam in which we must ensure our answers are absolutely to the point and don’t stray beyond what the examiner is seeking!

... I second that.

Oh come on. I didn't suggest anything of the sort.

I was just . . . . oh, it doesn't matter.

I don’t think OP would have had more than one response if people didn’t try to get her to think again about her decision Doodledog. I hope the experiences of others will cause her to reconsider. We have given her food for thought. It’s not an exam in which we must ensure our answers are absolutely to the point and don’t stray beyond what the examiner is seeking!

FridayisComing.

As the daughter who was brought up in the exact circumstances you describe I cannot urge you strongly enough to think again. If not for yourself, then for your daughters sake.

I am sorry to be blunt, but if you truly love your daughter and have her best interests at heart then make that move, as soon as you can.

Get your ducks in row, gather information, open a private bank account if you haven't already done so to give yourself some "escape money". See a solicitor to find out your rights.

I am 70 and back in the day women were trapped in abusive relationships, no money, no where to go. My mother had no choice but to endure but its not like that now. There is help for you.

You have a well paid job so can support yourself and your daughter and the courts are now much more aware of abusive and controlling spouses, especially if you can provide evidence. So keep a diary. Log everything, keep a record of texts, even record any instances of verbal or physical abuse on your phone.

At the moment your husband is only controlling and manipulating you but you can be sure he will start on your daughter the minute she finds her voice and utters the word "no".

Even if he doesn't and he treats her like a Princess, do you think she won't notice the way he treats you. What lessons do you think she will learn.

Don't be fooled into thinking you can play this sick game of "Happy Families" and that you can find a measure of peace and happiness within your marriage. You can't.

Don't be a martyr, dont throw your life away but more importantly please safeguard your daughter. Give her the protection she deserves.

My mother didnt protect me and whilst I understood why she couldn't and whilst I adored her, it didn't stop me from resenting her at times. And it did affect my relationship with her.

I had to learn to distance myself from her, leaving home very early purely to escape. Whilst I never denied my parents access to my children (their grandchildren) I continued to maintain that distance in order to protect them from his cruelty.

Visits were less frequent than I know she would have liked but she gave me no choice. My duty was to my children, to keep them safe. And whilst I hate to rub salt in your wounds it is your duty as a mother to protect your daughter.

If you don't, you will pay the price further down the line. You may well end up alienating your daughter and losing her love and respect.

I know you are afraid and you think you are doing the right thing by keeping quiet and not raising your head above the parapet but sadly you are mistaken. It Is not the way out of this mess.

Sacrificing yourself on the altar of a marriage that is toxic is not the answer,

M0nica

Doodledog 'staying and making the best of it' is often a sign of how completely the abused person is cowed and under the thumb of their abuser that they have come to believe either, his threats that even if she goes he will always pursue her. or when he is at his 'most persuasive' that she really could not manage without him and the harm it would do to their child.

Yes, I know. And in my first post I did point out the impact on her daughter, and say that I do have some experience of being around someone who sounds very similar, so I don't think there is much chance of him changing. I also think that in the same circumstances I would leave, although my own marriage is not like that at all.

My point is that when someone asks for specific advice, says that she has considered other options and discounted them for reasons of her own we should respect that. If we don't, and if we keep telling her that she should do exactly what she has said she doesn't want to do, it could deter others from posting about what they perceive to be controversial or difficult situations, as there would seem to be no point.

I understand what you are saying Friday and your reasons for staying with this man. However, I would just add this to all of the useful posts above, think about it long and hard and do not get to the point 40 years down the line when you had wished you had done something different.
The past cannot be changed but the future can.
Good luck.

You’re right there BlueBelle. When such a big and important part of your life is unhappy it is impossible to find happiness in my experience, except in your work and with your child (to the extent that the controlling person doesn’t spoil that too - for instance the sweetie comment).
I hope the comments here will make OP rethink her decision to stay.

Doodlebug if staying in an abusive marriage then you cannot make yourself happy the two do not fit together they just don’t meet , staying will just be a continuation of what happens now it won’t change and she will not find happiness or contentment so if Friday is determined to stay she must expect many years of continuation of this therefore there is no positive answer to her query

Doodledog 'staying and making the best of it' is often a sign of how completely the abused person is cowed and under the thumb of their abuser that they have come to believe either, his threats that even if she goes he will always pursue her. or when he is at his 'most persuasive' that she really could not manage without him and the harm it would do to their child.

Germanshepherdsmum

What a waste of a life ExDancer.

Gosh yes....so sad. What’s the point?

Yes they tend to be jolly good chaps to others, don’t they? Jekyll and Hyde.

Thanks again Iam. It was one of the best things I ever did. My son blossomed once he stopped (of his own volition) seeing his father. His teachers commented on the change. All thanks to that very clever and gentle man.

Wishing you all good luck. A word - before he knows what you are about, please see a solicitor and work out your terms. Having a controlling and verbally abuse husband is dreadful. |Mine was a "Jolly good chap" to all those he met and they would never have believed how vile he was. Still, he is long gone and |I am becoming the person I once was again! Fly free.!!