How to find happiness in yourself when you are in a turbulent marriage

To be honest the situation you are living in is abuse. I know you have decided to stay,but do you really want your daughter to witness all this and for her to think this is a 'normal' way that men treat women? You could always phone Women's Aid for advice, they will have dealt with thousands of cases like yours. I'd speak to them and seek advice from a solicitor. This is my only advice as I could not and would not live in that situation. For the sake of your daughter, get out and take her with you. Life is too short.

I'm afraid all the ways to empower you and have you happy could have him discard you for not meeting his needs, which would leave you in the same situation. Explaining your fears in court could lead to him getting less time with you daughter

Friday, you are living with a controller. For these types seeking and retaining control is as natural as breathing. They simply do not ‘do’ partnerships. As long as you do as you’re told everything’s fine, question or disobey and you’ve seen what happens. I sincerely wish you well in your situation, but that old saying, I feel is appropriate here……If nothing changes, nothing changes’.

Thank you all for your responses. I have read and thought about them and will continue to do so.
In terms of leaving my husband, i decided after much back and forth in my mind that just because i leave him, does not mean i am free of him. He will fight for minimum of 50/50 custody, why should i miss out on 50% of my childs life, because of him? Also, he will move on and treat his next girlfriend or wife the same way. My daughter will watch and learn and worst part is i wont be there to shield and protect her. At least now, i am careful how and when i push back and stand up for myself. His future wife wont care if my daughter is present when they argue.
I do sometimes daydream what it must be to be in a well rounded relationship. Sometimes i wonder if i am mkn a mistake and go down the path of “life is short”. Just because u leave the marriage, doesnt mean u leave the toxic man. In fact, very often divorce makes it worse.
@ Redhead56 thank you for your suggestions. The diary sounds good.

You cannot make yourself happy in this situation. Believe me, you are throwing your life away and we only get one life. You deserve better. Why put up with this? You owe it to yourself and your child. They are only 2 years old now but once they get older they will pick up on all of this. Do you want them to grow up and think that this is the norm? Please reconsider and get away and start afresh with your child. You are putting up with abuse and who has the right to do that to you? I know as I put up with it for longer than I should have. Please leave.

Your DH has already worn you down and you are walking on eggshells.

Sorry, but I couldn’t live like that. You will never be happy living with this dreadful man. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? More importantly, think how this must be affecting your DD already, living in such a horrible atmosphere which will only get worse.

You and her deserve so much better but only you can make a better life for both of you, something that will never happen though if you stay in an abusive marriage.

I lived walking on egg shells for years to a coercive and controlling man. My first real boyfriend who I married thinking a good life was ahead how naive I was. He lived a double life and ended up abusive to me and not interested in our children. I had made excuses for him until then but realised it was no life for my children let alone me.

Its not easy to go it alone with little children and it most certainly wasn't at the time. I wanted a happy childhood for them and peace of mind for me.

Walking on egg shells because of a controlling member of a family is not healthy. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage and convince yourself it will be ok. If you agree with him he is great and supportive in other ways. Until as you know he will change and the nice mood will disappear. This is exactly how these people behave and it is not normal.

You can't with someone like that, unless he gets help for himself.

He will either just try harder, find different ways to push your buttons or you will lose yourself pleasing him.

All the while, your little girl learning all sorts of awful lessons about how people who say they love us are allowed to treat us .

Please love yourself and your daughter enough to find a better life

I respect your choice to stay, but would point out that this is not a good way for your daughter to learn about relationships.

My husband is not at all like this, luckily, but I do have experience of being around someone who sounds depressingly similar, and I agree with Granmarderby that he won't change - it sounds like a personality disorder (and no, I'm not a psychologist, before anyone asks - it's purely a lay person's opinion?).

Regarding tactics - have you tried pretending you haven't noticed that he is being silent, and behaving as normally as possible? Or smiling at the put-downs, and replying on the lines of 'Oh, is that what you think? I think it suits me.' or whatever, then rinse and repeat. Difficult, I know, but if you are already seeing yourself as no longer part of a couple, you might persuade yourself that his opinion is not your concern.

As you have your own income, I would definitely advise you to squirrel away some funds of your own, so that if you change your mind and decide to leave you have a deposit and at least a couple of month's rent to tide you over until the joint finances are sorted out.

Good luck, and whatever you do, don't let his put-downs dent your confidence. Maybe keep a diary, if you can do so without his finding it, and record what he says and what led up to it. That way, you can look back on it if you get upset, and remind yourself that the last time he said X, it followed a similar circumstance - not so that you can tiptoe around him better, but so that you can see that he is being unreasonable, not that you are whatever he says you are.

@lemsip yes my dd is our only child.

@ Granmarderby10 i have weighed up leaving and staying with him and i have decided to stay. I spent a good 36 months in limbo. But once i decided to stay things became clearer for me, my focus is to make my life happy for myself and to be strong to get past the days of arguing and silent treatment.

FridayIsComng I am so so sorry for your situation as I am living through similar right now; but not for much longer.
I have 2 words of advice for you and they are leave him
If your descriptions of life with him are a truthful portrayal, then there is nothing else you could possibly do that will improve your life and that of your little daughter.
It is almost guaranteed that you will have a one hundred percent better life without him.

you say married for number of years and have a '2 yr old daughter' is that your only child?..