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To still be bereft

(27 Posts)
Amberheart Mon 28-Mar-22 16:11:21

My dh died 1 1/2 years ago. He had Azheimer's and was in long term care. When covid hit (I live in Canada) long term care homes were locked down. I would call him but he didn't understand why I couldn't visit. I eventually had 1 window visit and 2 distanced visits. Then an outbreak occurred in his home. Lockdown again. A couple of weeks later he fell and died 2 weeks later. I was allowed in to see him but he didn't recognize me. At one point he asked me to help him and I couldn't.

We had been together for 39 years. He'd always been there for me through good and bad and yet I couldn't help him. His words haunt me now. I know I need to be strong and carry on but I still grieve for him. I can't even throw away the passcard for his care home.

I know IABU to still be grieving. Sorry for the long post but I just feel so bereft.

Knittingnovice Mon 28-Mar-22 16:20:25

You're being too hard on yourself. Not only are you grieving, you're possibly feeling guilty as you couldn't help. Even though you done all you legally allowed to, it doesn't take away the guilt.

You haven't had a chance to say goodbye either as lockdown prevented this.

One and half years is not enough time to get over your husband. Please be kind to yourself.

Soozikinzi Mon 28-Mar-22 16:23:19

You are definitely NBU .you have lost your DH at very difficult time .Before that you had to hold everything together for him through Alzheimers . So you will still have bottled up grief for him from that time . With Alzheimers the grieving is prolonged because you lose them a little piece at a time.Then there is all the guilt mixed in from when you couldn't visit due to the lockdown. You take it easy on yourself and remember the care he had for you as a fit and healthy young man and how he would want you to be cared for now.

paddyann54 Mon 28-Mar-22 16:24:04

I am so sorry for your loss ,and no its not unreasonable to still grieve.He was a hge part of your life,of course you miss him and probably always will.BUT ,it will get easier.There are a few newly widowed grans on here I'm sure some will give you their take on it but I'm sure they will also tell you everyone grievs in their own way and their own time.Take care of you ,thats what you can do and remember him and the happy times

Nannee49 Mon 28-Mar-22 16:36:45

No Amberheart, as the OPs have said you are definitely NOT BU. My dear dear husband died 22 years ago in August under very stressful, regretful circumstances and I'm still heartbroken and grieve for him and the young couple/little family we once were together.
I've found the pain never goes but eases so it is possible for me to love, live and laugh again.
I'm so sorry for your loss, please grieve in your own way, at your own pace and try not to feel guilty for events out of your control. We do what we canflowersflowers

Smileless2012 Mon 28-Mar-22 16:54:58

There's no time table for grief Amberheart, no set deadline for when grieving should end so of course you are not being unreasonable.

Please don't be so hard on yourself and take all the time you needflowers.

DiscoDancer1975 Mon 28-Mar-22 17:02:22

I’m so sad to hear of your loss, and how bad you feel. 18 months is no time at all, I wouldn’t have thought, although I have no personal experience.

You haven’t let him down at all, it’s just the way it is, and you couldn’t possibly have known any different.

Look after yourself now, which I would guess from what you’ve said....he would have wanted. ?

Amberheart Mon 28-Mar-22 17:02:37

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I think the hardest thing is that when I mention his name, as in oh dh liked doing that, people quickly change the subject. I am lucky to be close to my dds. I also know that it some ways it was a blessing that he didn’t suffer a lot.

VioletSky Mon 28-Mar-22 17:06:06

You aren't being unreasonable at all.

You need to allow yourself time to grieve, if you try to bottle up those emotions they are just going to come out in other ways or make you physically ill.

I always go and have a good cry in the shower if I need to. It helps prevent the puffy face and stops the hungover feeling afterwards.

Please grieve at the pace that is right for you and forgive yourself for the times you couldn't be there due to covid or help in the way he asked. It's not your fault. Remember your husband as he was, he wouldn't have blamed you, don't blame yourself ?

Smileless2012 Mon 28-Mar-22 17:08:38

Some times people don't know how to be with someone whose coping with bereavement Amberheart. They don't know what to say so will change the subject. Don't assume it's because they're thinking you should be 'over it buy now'.

I'm sure it's because they don't know how to respond.

GrannySomerset Mon 28-Mar-22 17:18:22

Less than three months since DH’s death and it hurts more and more. I bring him into conversation because forgetting him would be a real betrayal of the past sixty years and tells other people they can talk about him. I don’t expect life to get any easier in the near future, but do find that keeping him alive in my and other people’s memories is positive.

Hope you.can find a way through this, Amberheart.

ShazzaKanazza Mon 28-Mar-22 17:18:29

I think this is so heartbreaking to hear?. I feel so sorry for you. You are still grieving so much and you will for a long time. You are not being unreasonable at all you’ve been through a huge trauma. Try to give yourself some self love ❤️ ?

PECS Mon 28-Mar-22 17:22:33

That is no time at all and the added complexities of the limitations brought by lockdowns will add to your feelings of grief.
Are there any Bereavement Charities locally that you could contact? I don't know if you have a faith but if so your place of worship may have a support network.
You are not being unreasonable ..grief and managing life without your loving partner does not have a time limit... but you might benefit from some bereavement counselling. flowers

Smileless2012 Mon 28-Mar-22 17:25:54

So sorry for your loss GrannySomersetflowers.

Luckygirl3 Mon 28-Mar-22 17:25:59

I know IABU to still be grieving. - you are not in the least unreasonable - I lost my OH over two years ago and it is on-going. Your whole being has been programmed around being a couple for decades - it is not surprising that you are still grieving. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

I have always talked about my OH and people have got used to this and do not change the subject. Keep going with it if it is right for you. flowers

Kate1949 Mon 28-Mar-22 17:26:15

My goodness Amberheart Of course you are not being unreasonable flowers

Amberheart Mon 28-Mar-22 18:03:13

Grannysomerset - I am so sorry for you loss. I know exactly what you mean. Thank you to everyone for such kindness. This is my first post and I didn’t know what to expect. I will try to take care of myself and my family as that is what he would have wanted. Please make sure you tell your loved ones that you love them. You never know when they will be gone and it will be too late.

midgey Mon 28-Mar-22 20:12:41

My husband died nearly two years ago. I think I have this year harder than last year.
Grannysomerset [ flowers]

Smileless2012 Tue 29-Mar-22 09:39:37


M0nica Tue 29-Mar-22 09:53:42

Your husband died 18 months ago? Of course you should still be grieving. My sister died 30 years ago and I can still on occasion be doubled with grief, when something that reminds me of her, suddenly impinges on my life.

glammanana Tue 29-Mar-22 10:06:04

Amberheart You are still so early in the grieving process 18mths is no time at all my heart goes out to you flowers

I lost my lovely man 2 1/2 yrs ago he went out the front door to take our DD to work and died in his car 5 mins after leaving our home,no warning no goodbyes we where married 45yrs and he was my rock I will never get over the shock of that day,but now I can talk about him and laugh about him.

It will get better just take things slowly and remember the times you both shared together.

aonk Tue 29-Mar-22 11:25:48

It’s different for everyone and takes time. A lot of time for some people. It’s 30 years since my DH1 died and I and my DDs who were young then still find things hard at times. You learn to live with it and can still find much happiness in so many ways. Don’t monitor yourself. You’re making progress even if it doesn’t seem like it. Sometimes it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Just look after yourself and take small pleasures in everyday things.

GrauntyHelen Tue 29-Mar-22 11:31:32

YANBU you are at a very early stage of your bereavement 18 months is nothing in a grief journey Your bereavement is further complicated by the Covid situation which was traumatic Counselling with a trained person would help you better understand how you feel and assist you in being kinder to yourself

JaneJudge Tue 29-Mar-22 11:35:25

It has hardly been any time at all and because of the situation surrounding the pandemic and visiting etc it is going to be much harder to come to terms with. I would get in touch with cruse bereavement (or the Canadian equivalent) as there are bound to be lots of people in a similar position to you and it might help to talk with these people? stop being so hard on yourself. You did your best and that is all you can do flowers

Granny23 Tue 29-Mar-22 12:35:29

I was also widowed 19 months ago. My beloved husband also had dementia and was laterally in a care home. He had a 3rd TIA, fell and broke his hip, came through the operation OK but contracted hospital acquired Sepsis and was put on End of Life Care. My DDs and I had a week of taking shifts to sit with him, but as is usually the case, he slipped away quietly in his sleep, on his own. My comfort comes from knowing that his struggles are over and that we had that precious time to be with him, telling him how loved he was (is) playing his own music, etc.

Now I have the odd time when I think about other things, actually enjoy being out and about, am getting used to coping and living on my own, in my downsized 'Granny flat' I can look at the photos and remember the 56 years of happy memories with some joy and gratitude.

My biggest source of companionship has been the Alzheimer's web site and forum. I joined when I was a 24/7 carer for DH and found the hints, tips and support invaluable. Many of the posters I came to know are now also bereaved and we derive great comfort from sharing our thoughts and feelings.

I have eschewed the usual bereavement counselling agencies as I find greater understanding among those who have lost their beloved, bit by bit, day by day, to the trauma of coping with Dementia.

I can now appreciate and feel gratitude for the wonderful life I had with my (nearly wink ) perfect husband who was, and is, the love of my life