A.i.b.u to not give adult child advice

If she didn’t pay you much to live with you, she probably has no idea what it costs to live day to day.
I think she is in for a shock.

Don't talk about wasting money Teaandsympathy, put a positive spin on it as to how she can spend what she will have left after bills. Will they go 50/50 on the bills, food, petrol? She's just scared and clueless.

As a seventeen year-old back in 1978, paying £10 a week (about a third of my take-home pay) to my mum towards my keep, and despite paying for all my clothes, transport, lunches and social life out of the rest, I still managed to save over £300 in eight months.
I think DD needs a reality check!

I will not go back on the £500 - i am just concerned she will be wanting more. The biggest concern is that she can not pay any bills because she refuses to try and i end up with a non paying depressed lodger again , resentful of a token board charge and resentful of me!

Teaandsympathy

I will not go back on the £500 - i am just concerned she will be wanting more. The biggest concern is that she can not pay any bills because she refuses to try and i end up with a non paying depressed lodger again , resentful of a token board charge and resentful of me!

Regarding more, just say no, no matter what.

I know it's hard with our own children, but she has to learn, unless you are quite literally prepared to bankroll her for the rest of your life.

I agree that giving her the £500 you promised is the right thing to do Teaandsympathy. However once that is done you need to make it clear to your daughter that you cannot offer any more. If things do fail when she moves out then you need to tell her that there will be no more token charges if she stays with you. Next time will be the market rate for bed and board and don't give in to emotional blackmail.

sodapop

I agree that giving her the £500 you promised is the right thing to do Teaandsympathy. However once that is done you need to make it clear to your daughter that you cannot offer any more. If things do fail when she moves out then you need to tell her that there will be no more token charges if she stays with you. Next time will be the market rate for bed and board and don't give in to emotional blackmail.

I agree totally with this.

It's essential that all this is made clear to DD now, so that she knows exactly where she stands if/when she wants to move back in the future.

Mind you, one of my own DC was a nightmare to get any rent out of after he 'boomeranged' back. He would throw a tantrum when pressed for it, or if asked for help, for example, with the washing up, and he never cooked, or cleaned his room.

He met his now wife ten years ago, and changed almost over night. It's hard now to imagine that he is the same person.

In other words, there is always hope!

I think that if you promise something, you must deliver, not change your mind later. That undermines trust and will fester, to be thrown at you farin the future.

Give her the money, make it plain to her that there will be none to follow and that if she gets into a muddle and in debt, she has o find her own way out of it. And you need to grit your teeth and make a promise to yourself, that no matter how much of a mess she gets herself into financially, you will stand by your promise to leave her to sort it out for herself.

My children had to learn that if they got in a mess they had to get themselves out of it. Admittedly they made their mistakes in their first year at university, and we did help them sort their lives out, but every penny we gave them was as a loan and we kept them to the repayment schedule.

Me too !

So, your D has been living with you for £160 per month and hasn't paid any board for 3 weeks; is that right Teasandsympathy?

You said you would give her a £500 gift to help her out so if it were me, I would deduct what's owed for her board and give her the balance.

Me eight!

This is a subject close to home. My adult sons, ages 34 aand 32 think I am a bottomless pit of money. Whilst I am happy to help when necessary - there is a feeling of 'You have to help yourself too'
At their ages they do need to 'adult' more than they do.
Example. My son, 32 is about to relocate for work - he currently rents.
I have paid the deposit and the first months rent on the proviso that he pays me back. The move is 200 miles away and his older brother has offered to help after some not so gentle persuasion from me as they dont really talk to one another.
It will cost quite a bit in fuel costs etc to complete the move. His older brother has the appropriate transport and will fill up with fuel that I will reimburse
My sons contribution to HIS move is to get a 150 quid tattoo and a 200 quid parrot.
I believe we have a generation of entitlement
And yes.. I am hearing you say, 'more fool you' and youd be right of course.

Would pay the £500 as promised and then step back. On reflection we helped our youngest far too much with the bank of Mum and Dad - all OK now as he is very hard working and has a family BUT we have had some scary times!

Some tough Mamas here! We have always helped our children, now in their thirties with lovely homes of their own, there is no need. The only thing I don’t like is the rudeness when you enquire but that’s a lesson she does need to learn. She is probably going into this with eyes closed. I would dig my children put of a financial mess if I could as long as they were honest about it. I can’t believe the meanness of a few of the answers though. It’s a very different world to the one most of us grew up in.

I've never learned to shop for food supplies. I go to the supermarket for, say, three items. Comes back with two carrier bags full and not one entire meal beween them, and I'm in my 60's. Some people are just not good with money.

This "generation of entitlement" is created and fed, it doesnt exist in a vacuum

I didn't know how to plan for food either effalump, until I joined Slimming World and they supply the shopping list with the eating plan. I used to go shopping with my Mum as a child, I have no idea what she used to buy, I wonder what I was doing. I do remember the deli counter.

Shouldn’t give her the £500 until she approaches you. It’s called humble pie. Keep quiet and keep the piece. No more discussions on money. Let her get on with it.

Oopsadaisy1

Well you told her you would give her £500 so I feel that you have to.
You would have been better to have charged her a decent rate for staying at home and handing it back to her when she left.

Doesn’t bode well for the future, although maybe when she actually has to save to pay for her outgoings she will surprise you.

When my brother lived with my mum many years ago she took rent from him but gave it back to him when he moved out. She knew he probably wouldn't save any other way.

My daughter is currently living with me again after 11 years of independence. She moved home after getting a promotion with a job in London after living in Glasgow. She wants to buy her own home so is saving hard. We are sharing household expenses but I'm not charging her rent as I know she is taking saving seriously. If she wasn't doing her bit I would limit the help I give. The sooner she saves a deposit, the sooner I get my independence back so it's win win!

imaround

You honor your promise to give her 500, smile and say how happy you are for her. If she comes back and asks for more, you say no. You do not nag or ask what she spent her money on. Just say I am sorry, I am unable to offer you any more money.

This way, you are not interfering or being judgmental but still letting her know that you are not going to bail her out.

I agree with this too. I might say that I really wanted her to learn to manage money well and I felt this was the best way.

I might buy her a copy of Money: A User’s Guide: The Sunday Times bestselling guide to taking control of your personal finances (published 2020). My teenage son liked it.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0008308314?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_image&tag=gransnetforum-21

My adult son surprised me when I withdrew all support. Got a full time job, discovered he loved it, and is now being promoted. Got to age 28 before finally sorting out his life, but phew!

A great example of 'tough love' pen.

This is a hard one, but you do have to grow a thick hide and repeat to yourself from time to time -Not My Problem. You are really not helping by helping too much. How did you learn to get along in life - by dealing with problems yourself I guess.

To be honest effalump, you do not need to learn how to shop and how many of us did follow our mother's round the shop, like a Ladybird girl, watching what our mothers bought or how they shopped? I cannot even remember whether my mother had a shopping list or relied on memory. She preferred to shop with out any accompanying children if she possibly could.

But drawing up a shopping list before you shop, with what you need written on it is child's play, quite literally. Walking round the store putting your list items in the trolley, does at least mean you have the makings of supper. After that what you add is up to you.

GCSE level shopping includes shopping after a meal so that you are not tempted to load up with snacks and nibbles and buying to the list and nothing else.

Alevel involves planning menus in advance and re writing the list in the order the stuff is on the shelves in your supermarket of choice.

Beyond that lies degrees that involve ordering food online and remembering to be in the house, not down the garden when they deliver, but that is all way above my head and I have yet to try to do it.