A.i.b.u to not give adult child advice

anna7

I would say nothing and wait for her to mention the £500 first. If she is apologetic and has some sort of plan I might (only might) think about giving her the money but if not I would let her sort it out herself. I would not be offering any money in the future. Time to stand on her own two feet and take responsibility.

I agree with with anna7:

I am confused here as to what you and your daughter had agreed upon,

If you and your husband promised her £500 when she found accomodation then I too think you are morally obliged to hand it over now.

If the promise was made on the condition that she saved the £1400 you mention, and she has in reality only saved £800, then you may justifiably feel that you have no obligation to give her the promised £500.

That said, if you can afford to do so, hand over the money you promised her. If you don't you are spoiling any chance of a decent relationship with her in the future. This may actually already be spoiled, as she is obviously cross with you.

She is 23, so how much she earns, uses or has in the bank is, as she recently told you, no concern of yours, unless you have at some earlier point stood guarantor for her. It would have been more graceful of her not to ask you to mind your own business, but that is the sort of remark we sometimes have to let lie if we want a good relationship to our adult children.

I realise you probably feel that you are throwing good money after bad if you give her £500 now, and I am sadly afraid that that is precisely what you will be doing, but do so and promise yourself that you will not promise or give her any more money in the future. But keep that last to yourself. Nothing in the present situation will get better if you succumb (as I probably would) to the temptation to say, " and don't expect any more from us, ever!"

I agree tha£500 bit I can understand how you might feel a bit sick about giving that to someone who is rude enough to put the phone down on you!!

Teaandsympathy

I will not go back on the £500 - i am just concerned she will be wanting more. The biggest concern is that she can not pay any bills because she refuses to try and i end up with a non paying depressed lodger again , resentful of a token board charge and resentful of me!

Well don’t do it! If, heaven forbid, she does want to turn up at yours again make sure you charge a realistic rent, one that covers her energy and food as well as the roof over her head. She’s got some hard lessons in store but she’ll benefit from having to grow up.

Soroptimum

What on earth has she been spending her money on??

Clothes, makeup, takeaway coffees, ditto food, clubbing, cocktails, hairdresser, nail bar, eyebrows, lip fillers, all stuff that irresponsible girls fritter money away on.
Rent? Energy bills? Council tax? What are those?

Let her ask for the £500, don't just give it. It might lead to a conversation that benefits both of you. But remain on the moral high ground, don't let her bully you into it. It's her lack of ability to save that's got her in this situation and she needs a reality check.

You asked a perfectly sensible question imo!
Unfortunately at 23 she feels that you shouldn't be prying into her financial affairs, even though you will be helping her out.
I think you should still give her the money that you promised and keep shtum if she comes back to you saying that it isn't enough!
She has just taken advantage of paying the minimum rent and thinking it's easy with extra money to spend!
I don't suppose that some of that money has been spent on items for her new place ?

Me eight! I don’t think she will even begin to appreciate everything you’ve done for her, or the money you’ve given her until she is in her flat and has to manage financially.

I earned £5 a week in my first job and had to give my (single) mother £3. Just saying.

Teaandsympathy

Yes she refuses to discuss wasting money, will momentarily entertain the idea of cutbacks when she is brasic but haughty about it all . Entitled, but we did not design her that way.

I have said whenever i have offered advice, to get advice from smarter than me, to learn on money saving sites, but she has no interest. She will shout me down if on the odd occasion i hint to stash her cash. I only ever mention when i think i can not tolerate at all any more.

I'd stop mentioning because its obvs not helping...and "is that all you have got" was a bit tactless. If its no hardship to you then give what you rpomised but stop discussing money. If she brings it up change the subject.

We’ve been all through this. Easiest thing is to give her the money. We did and our relationship with our daughter improved alot.

I don't think tough love works when your child has no idea of what they are doing.

Aggressive response or not, I would persevere to communicate with your daughter.

Before handing over the deposit, make every effort to teach your daughter 'the value of money'. Insist on it as a condition of you gifting the money.

Go through the bills she is going to have to pay to keep a roof over her head, suggest economies she can make, refer her to MSE, get her to join YNAB.

She just hasn't learnt money management and needs your help.

Blooming kids!
You did offer the £500 so yes I would give her that as a transfer direct to the letting agent. Her boyfriend should pay his fair share too so how they raise the rest of deposit and rent is not your responsibility.
All about wants and needs and if they need to get something cheaper to be able to afford things then they must.
As for the whys and wayfors of her money management I'm afraid thats up to her now as she won't sit with you to make a money plan. Just hope that its sunk in and her verbal attacks are simply that yes she knows what she could have done and is a bit cross with herself that she hasn't and doesn't like being told!!

After paying you very modest board of £160 a month she would have had £1060 disposable income. What were her other costs (travel to work? Phone? Car?). Even if she’d only saved £500 a month she should have had £6,000 saved.
Reality will hit her hard when she and her boyfriend live together …….. sometimes it’s the only way to learn unfortunately. I guess she gets angry with you because deep down she knows you’re right!
I’d still give her the £500 as you promised it but perhaps with a jokey “don’t spend it all at once”!

To be honest effalump, you do not need to learn how to shop and how many of us did follow our mother's round the shop, like a Ladybird girl, watching what our mothers bought or how they shopped? I cannot even remember whether my mother had a shopping list or relied on memory. She preferred to shop with out any accompanying children if she possibly could.

But drawing up a shopping list before you shop, with what you need written on it is child's play, quite literally. Walking round the store putting your list items in the trolley, does at least mean you have the makings of supper. After that what you add is up to you.

GCSE level shopping includes shopping after a meal so that you are not tempted to load up with snacks and nibbles and buying to the list and nothing else.

Alevel involves planning menus in advance and re writing the list in the order the stuff is on the shelves in your supermarket of choice.

Beyond that lies degrees that involve ordering food online and remembering to be in the house, not down the garden when they deliver, but that is all way above my head and I have yet to try to do it.

This is a hard one, but you do have to grow a thick hide and repeat to yourself from time to time -Not My Problem. You are really not helping by helping too much. How did you learn to get along in life - by dealing with problems yourself I guess.

A great example of 'tough love' pen.

My adult son surprised me when I withdrew all support. Got a full time job, discovered he loved it, and is now being promoted. Got to age 28 before finally sorting out his life, but phew!

imaround

You honor your promise to give her 500, smile and say how happy you are for her. If she comes back and asks for more, you say no. You do not nag or ask what she spent her money on. Just say I am sorry, I am unable to offer you any more money.

This way, you are not interfering or being judgmental but still letting her know that you are not going to bail her out.

I agree with this too. I might say that I really wanted her to learn to manage money well and I felt this was the best way.

I might buy her a copy of Money: A User’s Guide: The Sunday Times bestselling guide to taking control of your personal finances (published 2020). My teenage son liked it.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0008308314?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_image&tag=gransnetforum-21

Oopsadaisy1

Well you told her you would give her £500 so I feel that you have to.
You would have been better to have charged her a decent rate for staying at home and handing it back to her when she left.

Doesn’t bode well for the future, although maybe when she actually has to save to pay for her outgoings she will surprise you.

When my brother lived with my mum many years ago she took rent from him but gave it back to him when he moved out. She knew he probably wouldn't save any other way.

My daughter is currently living with me again after 11 years of independence. She moved home after getting a promotion with a job in London after living in Glasgow. She wants to buy her own home so is saving hard. We are sharing household expenses but I'm not charging her rent as I know she is taking saving seriously. If she wasn't doing her bit I would limit the help I give. The sooner she saves a deposit, the sooner I get my independence back so it's win win!

Shouldn’t give her the £500 until she approaches you. It’s called humble pie. Keep quiet and keep the piece. No more discussions on money. Let her get on with it.

I didn't know how to plan for food either effalump, until I joined Slimming World and they supply the shopping list with the eating plan. I used to go shopping with my Mum as a child, I have no idea what she used to buy, I wonder what I was doing. I do remember the deli counter.

This "generation of entitlement" is created and fed, it doesnt exist in a vacuum

I've never learned to shop for food supplies. I go to the supermarket for, say, three items. Comes back with two carrier bags full and not one entire meal beween them, and I'm in my 60's. Some people are just not good with money.

Some tough Mamas here! We have always helped our children, now in their thirties with lovely homes of their own, there is no need. The only thing I don’t like is the rudeness when you enquire but that’s a lesson she does need to learn. She is probably going into this with eyes closed. I would dig my children put of a financial mess if I could as long as they were honest about it. I can’t believe the meanness of a few of the answers though. It’s a very different world to the one most of us grew up in.

Would pay the £500 as promised and then step back. On reflection we helped our youngest far too much with the bank of Mum and Dad - all OK now as he is very hard working and has a family BUT we have had some scary times!