Feeling inconsequential.

It sounds as though the two daughters-in-law, with your agreement thought they were having a "playdate".

Two of my daughter in laws were coming over to our house tomorrow so that my little grandsons could play together, they are almost the same age.

If they don't know each other well, you are the "common denominator" I think - the bonus to you is that you get to see the little ones.
Unfortunately, with one no longer able to come it seems totally reasonable to cancel (and rearrange if possible).

I'd offer to have them another day for their get-together and hopefully it will all go to plan next time.

MoaningTurtle

Hithere

I think that’s a little harsh to be honest. Of course I want to see my DILs but obviously am disappointed at not seeing my grandsons and personally no I don’t see why she wouldn’t bring the little man to visit his granny and gramps, most people do.

I think it’s a little harsh too. ‘Hoping your dil was going to deliver her kids for your benefit’ - As I understood it, the visit was already arranged and you dil was cancelling? I lived miles away from my mum and dad when my daughter was growing up - I had to move away from home for work - so we couldn’t pop round for visits every five minutes. I would have loved to be able to. I don’t know what you can do to improve the situation - maybe just keep offering and hope for the best? I’d say my daughter and I get on pretty well but she has a really demanding job and we have little week day contact. It’s a sad part of modern life I think.

Don't feel too bad MoaningTurtle, like others have said you are the common denominator and the dynamic would have been different. Maybe your other DIL is a bit shy or not at ease. I would have felt let down as well.

If you just reply with a 'oh too bad, well then next time" and try not to dwell on it.

You’re not unreasonable to want to see your grandchildren, it is the most natural thing ever. And as you say, one family have been working abroad for a year and grandson has become a bit clingy. Maybe you couldn’t keep very much in touch with them whilst they were away and that’s sad. Our own daughter and family are living in New Zealand for two years and we miss them enormously. We are lucky in that we get to talk to our daughter and the children every week. We bought a Portal to use on the television on our SiL’s advice and so we can see them on the television which is lovely. If this was missing it’s understandable that your little grandson is shy. Try not to worry. Take it slowly, one step at a time, and he will get used to you again. Could you possibly invite the whole family for Sunday lunch sometimes? We do that a lot with our sons and their families. It’s nice to eat and chat together.

The main purpose of this visit was a playdate, for the benefit of both kids

When the playmate couldn't make it, the other parent and kid also saw the main reason of the visit to be gone -there was no cousin to play with

Parents prioritize activities based what is best for the kids, not a third party

Add busy lives of parents to the mix and it makes it worse

jaylucy

Invite them over for lunch or tea and tell them how disappointed you were that they didn't come before as planned. I think some get so caught up with their busy lives that they forget that it is easy to hurt others if they change plans at the last minute.
Where are their husbands/ partners ? Can you not involve them ?

Oh gosh
Call them over to tell them off? Tell on them to their husbands?!
This is how relationships are ruined

Of course you are not unreasonable to feel sad.
All you can do, though, is invite them to arrange another date to visit you together.

Your DiL may have been wishing she hadn't arranged it, because of her busy week. Then she seized the chance to back out without thinking it could have an effect on you.

You could maybe suggest short visits, at your home or theirs, so that your DGS can get to know you and become happy to spend time with you.

Some of these Mums whether daughters or daughters in law just sound so juvenile or plain thoughtless.

Why don’t some people just grow up and stop behaving like infant school pupils who’ve been made to sit next to someone they don’t know.

Some of those SONS

There - fixed it!

I can understand your initial disappointment but hopefully now you realise they were coming for a particular reason

If second daughter in law had told the little boy he was having a morning with his cousin think of HIS disappointment when he got to yours to find no cousin to play with

It s not really hard to put right is it re invite them and be flexible with small children and busy mums

Hithere
For your benefit and ^referring to MiL as third party both sound rude to me.
Aspergers is managed, sometimes, with great difficulty and stress by the non asperger partner. Try getting my husband to visit!

MoaningTurtle
Perhaps tell your DiL how much you would like to get to know your gs.
When your gs is older he might stay with you by himself.

My DiL would never visit me alone. I can understand.

Hitgere, why did you say you understood why dil had cancelled? That is so harsh. MT was looking forward to seeing them all, what’s wrong with that? It would have been nice if they could have made another arrangement. I think sonet8mes people don’t think they are talking to an actual person who is feeling hurt about something.
Moaning Turtle, I understand how you are feeling, I have also felt as you do, the trouble is there is nothing we can do about it, if we say somethings, it’s moaning and that’s a reason to keep away. I had to accept a long time ago where I was in the pecking order, develop a way of not expecting anything so that when I do see them was a bonus. I am estranged from my eldest, so I just go along with everything now. I used to go every week to my mother in laws, ask her to meals etc. How times change,

Relationships within families can be tricky to manage even before children get married and have their own children. I think it's perfectly acceptable to say that you are disappointed because the visit has been cancelled, it's how you say it that matters so it doesn't sound whiny and cross. I had a great relationship with my MIL but it developed over a few years and what I appreciated about her was that she was always kind, never judgmental and completely undemanding. She had her own life so if we visited we needed to book well in advance as we knew she wasn't waiting around for us to call, so we, of course, never cancelled unless completely necessary. Just good manners really.

Hithere

The main purpose of this visit was a playdate, for the benefit of both kids

When the playmate couldn't make it, the other parent and kid also saw the main reason of the visit to be gone -there was no cousin to play with

Parents prioritize activities based what is best for the kids, not a third party

Add busy lives of parents to the mix and it makes it worse

I entirely agree. These things happen. It’s a small disappointment, we all have them and it’s up to you to fix another time for them to come. Please don’t live up to your username or they won’t want to visit.

When I was the DiL, I visited MiL out of respect and a kind of duty. These visits were pleasant but a little formal and my son became restless very quickly. I did not work, therefore I had some time even though we lived an hour apart. We invited her to ours but she would only come if H collected her and deposited her back home and staying over was an absolute no no. It was a difficult situation but we hobbled along. Sons have little recollection of her now whereas they remember my Mum with a lovely glow. She was regularly dropping by even though she too lived an hour away and playing with them. She also worked full time. Sometimes we do reap what we sow. I suggest you try to take some sort of initiative and try to promote future meetings, not necessarily at yours. Perhaps public fun venue for instance?

MoaningTurtle

My son and DIL both know that I love them, I’ve told them a million times and that we were so happy they were coming back. We bend over backwards to be supportive parents and grandparents, financially, time wise, emotionally (always there for them 24/7 day and night.
My son is autistic and suffers from depression and anxiety so it’s actually very hard to have a full relationship with him as by his own admission he’s a loner and it’s only his own family unit that really concerns him.
I’ve come to terms with that, painful as it’s been but things still hurt me deeply.
I honestly don’t think I can do more to be a better Mum, Mum in law or granny.

I am wondering whether the answers lay in this paragraph.

I understand you’re feeling rejected. I absolutely get it, but I get a sense of you feel you do so much....and get nothing back. I’m so sorry if I’ve misunderstood.

I know we grandparents may not always be around, but that doesn’t mean we have to be accommodated all the time. We’ve had our time...with our children. Now it’s their turn.

Anything we get with them is a bonus. Thankful if we do, accepting if we don’t.

Plans change. I would say, please don’t read too much into this, and just look forward to the time when you will see them.

Take care.

I’ve not been on this forum long, so maybe I’ve misinterpreted some of the posts, but ... I’ve been quite shocked at the way some people respond on here. I’ve read some quite brusque responses that don’t seem to take any account of the fact that the OP is feeling sad / annoyed and is presumably wanting helpful insights? Surely the main purpose of a forum like this is to support each other? It’s perfectly possible to be honest and quite frank, without replying in a way that might make the original poster feel more, not less unhappy.

Turtle, it's reasonable to feel disappointed in the circumstances. I'd feel disappointed if two people broke off an engagement as if my feelings did not matter.

It's regrettable that the older generation is not esteemed as it once was but such is the case.

To be taken for granted is very hurtful. I think younger people believe that us older ones won't mind. They don't even think that we will be disappointed. Text or phone both mums and ask would same time next week or following week suit as you and Grandpa would just love to see you all. Good luck!

Goldbeater1

I’ve not been on this forum long, so maybe I’ve misinterpreted some of the posts, but ... I’ve been quite shocked at the way some people respond on here. I’ve read some quite brusque responses that don’t seem to take any account of the fact that the OP is feeling sad / annoyed and is presumably wanting helpful insights? Surely the main purpose of a forum like this is to support each other? It’s perfectly possible to be honest and quite frank, without replying in a way that might make the original poster feel more, not less unhappy.

I know what you mean, but sometimes we can’t say what the OP wants to hear. That doesn’t help her ( or him ), ultimately.
If we all just agreed...all the time, there would be no food for thought, or progress.

I’m sure most people want to help....no matter how insensitive their posts appear.

I am sorry bc it’s so difficult, I have 4 daughters and 1 son. I never see my son or his family, my DIl never wanted him or their family to have a relationship with me, it still breaks my heart that I never see my two grandchildren. I see one daughter and her girls once a week, I collect them from school once a week.
I don’t see one daughter (she works full time and has very busy social life) we only see each other on special occasions like birthday. The other daughter who has two little girls, who I would love to see more but she also works full time and is always busy at weekends.
I think life is just so different now with working patterns and social lives that it’s difficult for them to fit me in. I do ask a lot if I can babysit/go round to their homes etc but to no avail. It is soooo hurtful and I find it so upsetting that I have to accept such situation but I will keep trying! I love them all very much

Don't let your thoughts drift into how hurt you feel. There lies heartache. Just find ways of developing your free time and make friends via your activities. It is not what you wanted to hear I know, but protect yourself and your heart. Expect absolutely nothing and then anything will be a bonus. xxxx

Good advice, kwest.

OP, it's possible that your frequent declarations of love and wishes to see your GDS could come across as a bit overbearing so your DiL hoped to dilute that by having others there too.
We can't really know.

I hope you feel less sad now and ready to move forward.

Would you like to be a granny to mine. One side done seem interested at all. My mom is on her own and at 70 is working full time. We see her most weekends as she’s a mile or so away but I’d love some time on my own. Even an hour would be amazing.

I guess we are all different in our priorities and expectations. Maybe if my mom wasn’t alone I maybe wouldn’t see her so much. Maybe she would offer to look after mine alone for an hour or so. Who knows?