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Daughter-in-law not watching twins very well
(145 Posts)My son has shared a huge concern with me and my husband (his dad). He was married in 2016 and twins were born in March of 2020. They were born at 30 weeks and were in the NICU for one month. Thankfully, they both seem to be thriving. The boy is a little speech delayed, but he's receiving speech therapy. He's improving. His sister is a "Chatty Cathy," so there is no comparison.
My DIL works full-time. It seems that when they take the children outside to play, my son keeps his eyes on the boy, and DIL is supposed to keep her eye on the girl. He told us on her watch, the girl has already run into the street three times. There's a playground which really isn't geared for 2-year olds. She lets them climb to the very top of a high apparatus. My son told her if one of them falls from that height, he/she will likely die.
My DIL works full-time and so does my son. They've cobbled together free child care between my husband and I, an aunt and her parents. They feel, at this point, more secure having family care for the children when they're at work.
The big concern is the safety of the children when they're on her watch. Just from babysitting I know how exhausting it's to care for twins. She works, she's tired, but the house is filthy. I do what I can when I'm there. I clean up, and I do the babies' laundry. I'm now fearing for the safety of these children. I know they've gone for counseling, but it doesn't seem to be helping. My son has even brought up divorce and said he wouldn't want her to have custody of them.
She's clinically depressed for which she takes anti-depressants. I also believe she has ADD. That's also kind of scary since she's a registered nurse.
I hate the conflict and now I fear for the safety of my grandhildren. They're so precious.
Any suggestions? Thank you.
A cleaner once every two weeks is clearly not sufficient— if they came more often they could tidy as well as clean more.
Offer to pay for increased cleaning rather than ‘helping her sort out her clothes’ which doesn’t sound a/particularly helpful anyway or b/kind.
Hello Blutz,
they are very lucky these days that their jobs pay well so why not suggest the cleaner comes weekly? It may be that they are flexible and cpen to discussion to see if they might be open to maybe putting a few obvious things away as they go - I know my son has a cleaner who is very happy to empty/load the dishwasher for example and will air the duvet occasionally or take out the trash, feed the dogs if they will be late home for example - which are not cleaning jobs - but they pay a bit more (and pay over holidays) because the person is so very accommodating and "sensible" in the way they help out.
He and his partner are very friendly with them now - not friends but definitely friendly.
Perhaps they could also have a gardner given that your daughter in law isn't really interested in the garden? This would free up your son to help take more of a role in the home whilst his wife is not well? He must be quite stressed trying to do so much and that won't help his mental health let alone his wife's.
I hope some practical steps such as this and changing the play area they use will take the edge off this situation and give the little family a chance to recover.
?
X post, sorry Siobhan
blutz: could you pretend this is not your own family and look at what you have told us as it appears to me, a stranger?
(I know this is hard, as you are worried, and quite naturally so, and obviously you tend to see your son's point of view first and foremost, as he is the one asking for advice. But I do not think the remarks about cutting your DIL some slack was justified.)
Here we have a young couple who had a very stressful time when their babies were born prematurely.
They both work full-time and have with your and other relations help cobbled together child-care.
DIL is depressed and being treated for this.
In your opinion the house is filthy, so you clean while you are there and do the children's washing to the extend you can while minding two small children.
IMO your DIL should not be expected to work full time while she is being treated for depression. Is this something her GP knows she is doing, something she has insisted on, or something she feels is necessary due to their finacial situation?
Your son needs to sit down either on his own or with you and work out how he can discuss his wife's health with her, making it clear that he loves her and is concerned about her.
If that is the case, that is, as he apparently is talking about divorce.
If he is feeling that divorce is the only solution then he needs to get on with it.
If he loves and cares for his wife still, but is scared witless for his children's safety (which I fully understand) and has mentioned divorce in a panic, then he needs to find an alternative fast.
Either he does the housework when he gets home from work, or by getting up an hour earlier in the morning plus using his evenings doing it, or he employs a cleaner.
It is unreasonable to expect you and the others looking after two two-year olds to do housework as well!
Do they have a garden? If so, he fences in an area of it to make a safe playground for the children.
It is stupid to take them to a playground that is insecure for their age-group. Can his father not help him with this at a weekend? A fence, and a gate that the children can neither climb nor open, a sand-pit, a log to use as a horse, and somewhere to play ball is enough to start with. It doesn't need to cost the earth, and if he cannot utilize his lawn for their play-space, a load of wood-chips can provide a fairly safe underlay, at little cost. Later on, he can put up a swing too.
Discuss this with your son. Then sit down and work out how you can, without seeming to criticise her, ask your DIL what help she needs and wants.
I would start by saying, "I am worried about you, and I don't quite know how not to sound like a nagging mother-in-law, or a know-it-all grandma, but I am not either of these things.
You look worn out, what, apart from looking after the children can I do to help?"
Has your DIL a mother, sister, brother or anyone else who could be roped into help?
I hope you, your son AND your daughter-in-law can find a workable solution fast, before one of the children is hurt or your DIL becomes so depressed that she commits suicide or murder!
that should say 1140 hours a year for every 3 year old and more if the parents are on very low income or need extra help from age 2 ...as the OP's DIL might due to mental health issues
karmalady said, "Your son needs to help more". And therein lies a lot of the problem - it isn't 'helping' to look after your own children. It's doing your job. And whoever said maybe he could also do some cleaning and laundry, then yes - that too. I feel really sorry for this poor over-wrought, over-worked woman.
I can understand your worries, but I feel nothing but concern for your poor DIL. Having to work full time as a nurse, then come home to look after twins while you are suffering from depression just sounds awful. If family providing childcare, can't said family try to find a few minutes during their shifts to help around the house. If each "shift" took responsibility for one room, it might help keep the housework under control.
Here's some advice stop being so nasty and critical of your DIL and tell your son to grow up and step up as a husband and father
paddyann54
that should say 1140 hours a year for every 3 year old and more if the parents are on very low income or need extra help from age 2 ...as the OP's DIL might due to mental health issues
I'm not sure what free nursery hours are available in the USA.
The present arrangement doesn't sound very satisfactory, though, cobbled together childcare, two parents working full-time, one as a nurse at these stressful times and twin toddlers.
No wonder the house is rather chaotic.
Do the twins need to go to the park? A well fenced, safe garden with swings, a slide, a Wendy house would keep them happy especially as they have each other for company.
I feel so sorry for your daughter in law . The comment "we do more cleaning than her" is very telling . Your son helped make the babies he SHOULD be cleaning. She must feel under pressure and judged by everyone. The depression won't help matters . As for you saying gc ran off ..have actually tried looking after two kiddies at once? She's not wonder woman . Your son needs to grow a pair and stop running to mummy because the nasty girl isn't playing nice. Ask her what she needs .. say you are at a loose end and could you help? If she says no then back away . It's not your place to run her life . When my dc were born ( one at a time) I was lucky if I got a shower somedays. And the housework had to wait . I'm certain if you think back it wasn't easy for you either.
Does she absolutely have to go to work? Its sounds too much with twins as well. Poor girl is probably exhausted.
She is clinically depressed and works full time with ADD and twins, no wonder she is struggling with keeping a tidy clean house. If I’m honest it didn’t sound like a very supportive post, I see you help with childcare, which is good. Maybe carry in helping until the kids are a little
Older and are not such hard work, also maybe tell your son to go where there are not busy roads and high climbing frames, plenty of places like that around.
Dil losing her financial independence is the worst move she can decide on right now
Mil and her so called husband will use it against her as well
farmgran
Does she absolutely have to go to work? Its sounds too much with twins as well. Poor girl is probably exhausted.
Perhaps the father could give up work if they can afford that?
Or both go part-time so they can juggle childcare between them with only very occasional help.
Sounds like classic depression. Hard to recover from when you have one let alone two. She might need to go into a clinic for a week and decompress.
If your Son thinks getting divorced is a solution when two of them can’t keep the house, how is he going to do it solo? Maybe pay for a cleaner once a week would support them through a hard time.
Twins are tough.
on the whole the twins are thriving and care is good enough. Your son could do more - cleaning and child care is his responsibility too. They are lucky to have you and other family members to give them some back up. Try not to criticise her. She has enough to cope with as a young mum. Be positive with her and praise her or what she does. Depression is a hidden illness but is very debilitating - let alone working, looking after a home and children. Best of luck to all of you - you are giving them support at this difficult time and hopefully they will come out the other side.
If the poster is American garbage / rubbish, laundry/washing
2 year olds having speech therapy then giving her information about nurseries etc isn’t going to work however what ever side of the Atlantic she is on …a wife of 2 year old twins working full time and as she ‘doesn’t give the poster instructions about warming breast milk’ it sounds as if she is still feeding them She should be getting a lot more help than moaning about her house being a tip and come across as generally disliking the poor girl who sounds run ragged probably has Post natal depression and a husband threatening divorce
She has every ounce of my empathy and neither you nor your so come across well at all
What sort of husband/dad is he that moans to his mum about his concerns? Perhaps if he was a bit more helpful about the house, etc, his wife would be able to cope better. A true partnership is sharing everything.
Hithere
Dil losing her financial independence is the worst move she can decide on right now
Mil and her so called husband will use it against her as well
100% they will say: well you're not working so you should have an immaculate house and need no help with childcare +! It's the least you could do seeing as you're not contributing financially +! How dare you treat yourself to whatever small nice thing when there's not enough money and all you do is sit around not keeping the house clean enough.
There are suggestions on here that one of them should reduce hours, and suggestions that she should do so. No one dares suggest he should do so. Apparently he's better at homemaking so that would seem the more obvious solution.
Sorry, crossed posts
It's quite likely she finds it difficult to bond having been physically separated, I assume, immediately after the birth. Skin contact is so important at that time. Couple that with twins, post natal depression, full time, stressful, hard work, an unsupportive partner and doubting in-laws! That girl is in trouble and she needs help.
With all you say DIL working as anurse full time and suffering from depression should she be working at all. What time will she have to address her depression. Yes medication will help but it's not usually a stand alone remedy. Could the number of hours be reducedto give more home and me time. Carrying on the same old way won't change anything. Hopefully your son does his share of giving support physically and mentally.
Blimey! You sound just like my late (unlamented!) MIL. Nothing but underhand criticism dressed up as concern! Urgh!
My youngest DD is a single mother to 3 and doing a nursing degree. Her ex lives 120 miles away so is not around to help.
Her three boys are very lively! and one is possibly autistic (bring assessed currently) he is just 5 and the toddler is still breast feeding. I help by taking the kids out, doing shopping and cooking and school runs and I pay for a lovely lady to come in and clean and iron for her 3 times a week. Could you not offer some proper help like this rather than sniping!
hopefully your son dies his share of giving support mentally and physically
Sure 4allweknow by tittle tattling to his mum and saying
he ll divorce her and want to take custody of the children !!!
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