Reached the end of my piece of string

Social Services won’t be interested. Your mother has chosen her life. I am afraid I could not visit her filthy house and would tell her that. Pick her up once a week and take her shopping and a coffee, then drop her back. Tell her you are going away for a couple of weeks, if you can do it, go. I would infirm your sister what you have chosen to do. It’s a lot better than once every six weeks if she doesn’t like it. You need a break, if you can’t do a holiday, ring and say you won’t be round for a while you are not well. Which isn’t far from the truth. As a mom I would never do what she does to you, reclaim your life, live it how you want, she has made her choices. She as a mother should be concerned about you.

cc

Honestly I don't know how people put up with behaviour like this from elderly relatives. From the sound of it you owe her nothing, I hope you manage to disentangle yourself. Don't take her out anywhere too nice either!

Totally agree cc
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icanhandthemback

Well done, Tutumuch for seeing that what you do is in your hands and only you can do anything about it. My mother is such a person who believes it is her right to have her daughters look after her. As my sibling moved away, guess who bears the brunt! After she had to go into a home, she continued to berate me. I remained calm for about 6 weeks and then one day when the emotional blackmail was at its worst, I remarked that she had been using emotional blackmail for years and the beauty of that was it was now water off a duck's back. To say she was so surprised, she laughed. The next visit, when she started I just, "Stop that now or I will go. I come to see you because I love you, not because you demand it." The following visit was the first time I just had a pleasant visit. I wonder if I have allowed her to bully me all these years and could have done something about it earlier. My advice is to stand up for yourself in a calm way. Be assertive not aggressive until she gets the message.

Well done you and good ideas too. We all had to put up with being shouted at smacked and bullied by our parents ( alot if us anyway) so why the faux reverence all of a sudden? They can act like spoilt kids sometimes so should be treated as such as well.

Why do they always idolise the one who does very little whilst treating the one who helps like something they've trodden in? So common when it comes to mothers and their children.

Tell her that the way she lives is hazardous to health and you are no longer willing to risk your health. Since she is well able to afford help, it is not your responsibility to clean her mess.
If she is anything like my mother, she will heap emotional blackmail on you, but tell her you are no longer prepared to play her game.

Living with and being responsible/caring for an alcoholic for a long time will damage the soul, change the psyche. You cannot know how it affected her.

She is your mother, she gave you life. She is 91 years old. Even in good health, life at that age is overwhelming, Where is your compassion?

Hire the necessary help to put your mother's life and surroundings in decent order and do what you can to restore some peace to what remains.

Having been through all these problems with my own mother I agree with Yammy’s post. At the age of 91 and her eccentric behaviours, I would say she almost certainly has a form of dementia. Social services are under tremendous pressure and will not intervene if they think your mother has family support. Withdraw that support and they will be forced to act. Especially if she starts bothering her neighbours, they will very quickly complain to social services! You alone can’t make her allow the house to be cleaned or move into more appropriate accommodation. But I know from experience, if she becomes a nuisance and perhaps a danger to herself or others social services can act with speed. Firstly, inform her G.P. and social services of your decision to remove yourself from your caregiving role as Yammy suggests and sending a solicitor ‘s letter would carry more weight. I wish you luck, with it all. Whatever course of action you decide to take, I can really empathise with the guilt you carry of trying to care for someone who really doesn’t deserve it. Be kind to yourself.

Good advice there! You need to regain some of your mental well-being. This is abuse of your dutiful heart. But it is damaging you. A calm but firm few words to your mother and stick to a plan when she accepts to have her house cleaned up and hygienic. Can’t be good for her either. Professional cleaners know it’s often a mental health issue. Good warning for us all, do not become this kind of older parent ?

You are describing my life until my Mum passed away in 2019, only I didn't see it until too late. Please walk away, your Mum will never see your worth, or ever really care. Think of yourself, please? It isn't easy, even after almost 3 years I feel guilty, but do not deserve to feel so. Tell her you have reached your limit, and either she steps up herself, or your sister must, she isn't your problem...but it never feels good, I'm sorry x

tell your sister your mother will have to sell her house to pay for a place in care....once she realises any 'inheritance' she might have received will have gone, and she may have to pay half the bill (along with you, sadly ) if the money runs out maybe she will realise exactly how bad it is ....... she is ruling you and expects you to jump ! dont ! I have no family (well, 1 daughter who I have no contact with for 15 years ...(no reason !) so it would not be responsibility anyway ...not in our society ..in some societies the family fully expects to care for their elderly as was the case in the earlier generation ...my ex m-i-law had her mother living in the front room, two sons sharing a bedroom and one daughter in a tiny box room ! Her m-i-l was lucky enough to live in 'alms houses' belonging to the Railway as her late husband had worked for the railway ...it was lovely, a little bungalow with a garden, all care provided .....sadly nothing like this exists now ....the old are best forgotten by society ..........I belong to Dignitas ............

betts

Living with and being responsible/caring for an alcoholic for a long time will damage the soul, change the psyche. You cannot know how it affected her.

She is your mother, she gave you life. She is 91 years old. Even in good health, life at that age is overwhelming, Where is your compassion?

Hire the necessary help to put your mother's life and surroundings in decent order and do what you can to restore some peace to what remains.

Your children don't owe you anything if you are abusive to them. It is not your children's fault if you stay with an alcoholic, they didn't ask for that existence. The OP psyche will have been changed too but has managed to be compassionate for years with little thanks.
Not everybody has the money to hire help for their parents and it is unlikely that her mother would allow the helpers in. The OP has stepped up for years, if there is compassion needed she is not the only child in the family.

Sometimes things need to come to a head before change can happen.
Your mum has things on her terms at present, I think it is a good idea to step back, she needs to see the consequences of her actions - if she is unpleasant and alienates people they will stay away.

ALANaV

tell your sister your mother will have to sell her house to pay for a place in care....once she realises any 'inheritance' she might have received will have gone, and she may have to pay half the bill (along with you, sadly ) if the money runs out maybe she will realise exactly how bad it is ....... she is ruling you and expects you to jump ! dont ! I have no family (well, 1 daughter who I have no contact with for 15 years ...(no reason !) so it would not be responsibility anyway ...not in our society ..in some societies the family fully expects to care for their elderly as was the case in the earlier generation ...my ex m-i-law had her mother living in the front room, two sons sharing a bedroom and one daughter in a tiny box room ! Her m-i-l was lucky enough to live in 'alms houses' belonging to the Railway as her late husband had worked for the railway ...it was lovely, a little bungalow with a garden, all care provided .....sadly nothing like this exists now ....the old are best forgotten by society ..........I belong to Dignitas ............

Why do you think they would have to pay for care if the money runs out ? The local authority pay if you cannot pay . The only time you would pay would be if you wanted a better grade of home .

What horrible situation you are in, I can’t offer you any advice really but wanted to tell you, I work in a care home which offers assisted living ( some of them aren’t much older than me!).
We have awkward residents and sweet lovely people. Il leave it to you to guess who has non stop visitors, and those that do their duty visits.
She is your mum so obviously you have feelings for her.
How she lives is very sad but it is still her choice as long as she is deemed to have capacity, that sounds cruel I know but she lives her life as she wants. I imagine she knows how to play on your emotions and probably has for a long time.
Lay down rules with her buy a calendar and mark off when you will be seeing her, tell her that she must make her own arrangements to see her grandchildren etc, but maybe plan the occasional visit to somewhere she would like to go which you would enjoy to.
Honestly it will hurt you more than it hurts her she has just got used to calling the shots.
I would be at the end of my rope as well in your situation, but you aren’t a only child your sister needs to pull her weight to.
Older people can be cantankerous and that can bring on so much guilt they need boundaries as much as a naughty toddler!, I hope it all works out for you

Oh how careless we are when we’re young. I am sorry but I found all the comments rather depressing. Few expressed ANY sympathy for the elderly lonely woman. Her life is empty with little to look forward to and little chance of planning anything enjoyable in the coming weeks/months. It’s all very well to advised the daughter to have her own life and to create her own bright future which excludes her mother. At 92 how many years exactly will the daughter have to “endure” al of it . Not many. I think we all would be well advised to pause and think of the mother’s life and feelings as well.

I have a difficult relationship with my mother. In fact I had a course of counseling to help me a couple of years ago. I think you should contact social services who will sort out a care package for her. I know she won't be happy about it but you need a break from her.

Hi. Myself and my brother
we’re left alone by my birth mother,
he was seven moths old and I was 18
months old. My father was contacted at work by social services, She and he had split up they were both young and apparently the relationship was volatile. We were looked after by our Fathers Mother who gave up her job to look after us, she was quite young still and she didn’t really want to give up work. My Father met a girl who had a baby with my Father and after he had got his divorce they got married, she adopted us and raised us as
her own, she then had another baby and we all lived as a family none of us knowing we were adopted until we were 10 and as agreed when we were adopted we were told. we had not been treated any different than our step siblings. My brother left home when
he was 16 and got into trouble, he then said he wanted to find our Mother,
I did not. My mum and Dad found her
and she turned up to visit him, she
asked if he wanted to go stay with her and he did, he then came back because she was into drugs and she made him steal money. Everything ok until we started to get married and leave home.
After that our parents seemed to drift away, they went on holidays and my mum got a residential job and they sold our home. They didn’t seem to want to babysit for us like most of our friends parents did. It just seems like they want to go on holiday or make excuses that they have to work. what has made them like this.

My mother has been in a care home for a few months now after constantly falling and her dementia worsening. Her house is being sold (she and her husband sold 79% of the equity) so once that has been paid back she and her husband who is in a different home will get to keep £23,500 between them. Their pensions are taken as part payment too.

well some people are blessed with the fairytale mother, not necessarily perfect in every way, but loving and giving throughout childhood at least. those people feel, somehow, that they have the right to tell others how they "should" behave towards their mother, who may not have been so free with her love in childhood, but who now knows which "buttons" to press and how to press them to engender guilt in their adult offspring. why would anyone want to treat another person in that way? not out of kindness for sure!

and yes, we all (mostly) wish we had the mother we could feel warm and generous towards. i think op would like to feel that way. but she's not getting the full package from her mum, who's being seriously over-demanding and seriously unkind to her.

i think there's a lot of good advice here (providing you ignore the fairytalers). i would personally suggest a one-to-two month "holiday". if not practical in reality, then a "virtual" one. tell your mum you'll be away for that time, and not able to pander to any of her needs. if it feels easier, tell her you're going on "a course". you can't tell her anything about it until you return. or "it's to learn how to look after you".
then, when you "return", give her a set of boundaries. you'll see her once a fortnight. you will not go into her house until it's clean and fresh. you'll take her out for as many hours as bags-of-rubbish she produces for you to chuck out. (maybe give her a pack of bags.) or, you'll spend a couple of hours or until she says something unpleasant! you'll take her visiting relatives when she's had a good wash. you'll leave her there for an hour or until you get a call to say she's upset someone.

remember, whatever you do for this woman will never be enough. it's possible, although unlikely, to change if you force the changes. and none of that is your fault.

maybe stay on this thread, for more ideas and for support.
and please don't feel guilty for taking control of your life. there's a reason it's called "your life". it's not called "your mother's life". she's made her decisions and dug herself a pit. you can help her dig her way out of it, but only if she's willing. absolutely no point in digger her out, she'll remake it the same way.

ps: i really think you should not entertain the idea of having her house cleaned in her absence, as i think that would be an infringement of her rights and anyway, according to those who understand, it undoubtedly wouldn't work.
but if, at some stage, she agrees to the idea, then maybe you could arrange for it. i'd say a company that deals with such things would work best. if you arrange "a cleaner" (a) s/he won't want to go into a smelly house, and (b) your mum will offend him/her and that'll be that.
nb: you are not her cleaner. better that you spend your energy on taking her out (or sitting with her in the garden, if she has one).

i really hope you're able to take control of this upsetting situation, and come out of it stronger and happier. i send you my very best wishes.

You could be talking about me! My mother hit me almost every day until I was 18 and said that if she did it again I'd hit her back. She has such a horrible temper that she automatically lashes out if anyone disagrees with her. I was bullied by her my whole life until I had counseling and realised the damage she's done to me. She bullied her husband and made his life miserable. I contacted social services to tell them that they needed to do something and to be fair they acted quite quickly.

Floradora9

ALANaV

tell your sister your mother will have to sell her house to pay for a place in care....once she realises any 'inheritance' she might have received will have gone, and she may have to pay half the bill (along with you, sadly ) if the money runs out maybe she will realise exactly how bad it is ....... she is ruling you and expects you to jump ! dont ! I have no family (well, 1 daughter who I have no contact with for 15 years ...(no reason !) so it would not be responsibility anyway ...not in our society ..in some societies the family fully expects to care for their elderly as was the case in the earlier generation ...my ex m-i-law had her mother living in the front room, two sons sharing a bedroom and one daughter in a tiny box room ! Her m-i-l was lucky enough to live in 'alms houses' belonging to the Railway as her late husband had worked for the railway ...it was lovely, a little bungalow with a garden, all care provided .....sadly nothing like this exists now ....the old are best forgotten by society ..........I belong to Dignitas ............

Why do you think they would have to pay for care if the money runs out ? The local authority pay if you cannot pay . The only time you would pay would be if you wanted a better grade of home .

Floradora9 That is how the social sévices are run in France, it is your social duty to look after your parents. The cost comes out of their property and/or savings, then when that runs out the siblings are charged, according to how much they earn/ have. Moreover, it is very difficult to disinherit your children. Your money goes for your keep not to the local dogs’s home etc., therefore saving the community paying any charges.

ALANaV You are still thinking of how the French are liable to look after their parents.

Oh dear. There’s too many of these stories. Social services are in my experience,with my own 91 year old mum useless. It’s so easy to say they have capacity. Capacity for what ? There’s so much to do when you live alone, decisions to be made , cleaning shopping, admin washing dressing , laundry etc etc. At that age it’s very unlikely they can do everything themselves. Okay on a good day my mum can do some of those things, on a bad day she can’t even get up.
If SS are saying your mum has capacity to make her own decisions, then maybe she has an undiagnosed mental illness. Has she always lived in squalor? I would ask your GP for help. I’ve recently had to do this and it’s amazing how many people have been ringing asking me to arrange meetings to talk about mum.
I agree you need to disengage for a while. At least you have a sister, tell her you need a break. Wish I had someone to take over. We’ve just had a holiday, it was ruined by constant calls from the carers and GPs. Good luck.

Oh dear Tutumuch - these situations are a long time in the making... a life time, but you don't have a lot more time to resolve it in. My mum died many years ago but I have a memory of the dilemma your in. Although my mother was a very lovely woman I still felt at times that I owed her more attention than I wanted to give. And your mum was not always in this needy position that she finds herself now. When we are 91 we are going to be quite needy too I think.
Anyhow, your in a place you find exasperating and exhausting. You are the only one who can change it. I have read on here a lot of good suggestions which I'm sure you may have thought through yourself.

You have to make changes in your behaviour to ease the situation for both of you. Small changes can make loads of difference. Mostly it will show you that you have the power.

Good luck.

Anne

BUT

What an awful situation to be in. The key here seems to be the difficult task of asserting yourself with your Mother and making it clear that things can't and won't go on the way they are. I recently had to assert myself with my horrendously spiteful elderly next door neighbour.
To do it I did 3 things that you are advised to do when asserting yourself. I knew what I wanted to say, I was specific, and I repeated myself. I had practised the words many many times. To my astonishment it worked. At 71 years of age I had actually asserted myself properly. The incident made me a stronger person. I hope you find the courage to do this with your mother.
Also, your sister needs to step up.
All the very best to you.

It's called FOG, Fear of Guilt.
Across on MN there's a specific section called Stately Homes. They are wonderful, all of whom are/have experienced very similar parents/relatives and are really supportive of each other.
It sounds an awful situation to be in.
You really aren't obliged to go running every time she rings the bell. I hope you find peace with any decision you make. ?